All Tomorrow’s Parties: Everton/Arsenal report and result before the game is played

As you may know, Team Talk often take articles from here and publishes them later under other people’s names.

I was discussing this with TT yesterday and patiently explaining the software they need to install to stop this, when it suddenly occurred to me that if I reversed the polarity (as we used to do on Doctor Who) I could in fact use the same software to give you match reports before the game happened.

So, Meat Klat, thank you – here we go.

The Everton Arsenal match went pretty much according to expectation. Cesc of course was dropped at the last minute because of his impending transfer to Southend, but Messi did arrive, which helped.

Andy Grey announced that this was the most exciting season ever and the “Sugar, butter, cream, milk combinations” (what strange nicknames these northern teams have) threw things up in the air, and then complained when they came down again and hit them in the face.

There was controversy too when the ref (Hardly Anyone) allowed the northerners to kick off before Arsenal had arrived on the pitch and in the ensuing melee Everton had 127 shots of which one was on target.

When the Arsenal team did get on the pitch the team was much as expected – an average height of 6mm and an average age of a Mongolian Klaxon. As the man on Radioi 5 last night said, Arsenal won’t win because everyone is injured.

There was one surprise in the line however wherein a bottle of bathroom cleaning liquid (doubling as a Greek hero) played at centre half. (Answers at the end).

At half time a disconsolate Arsenal trooped in 1-0 down and 87 blogs appeared with the headline “this is exactly as I feared”.

There was more controversy in the second half when Albert Busdriver drove the team coach and parked it in the goalmouth, refusing to move it on the grounds that he was following the manual supplied to him at Bolton.

It was carefully explained that parking the team coach in front of the goal was a metaphor. “What’s a meta for,” said Mr Busdriver.

“Like: ‘All the world’s a stage’,” said Robin Van P whose parents are artists and therefore know things like this.

“So I should park on the stage?” said Mr Busdriver.

Everyone agreed and he went to find one.

The ref refused to act any further and ESPN complained that they were overrunning, so the match went ahead with the bus in goal, and Arsenal hit the paintwork 95 times. 87 blogs appears on Team Talk saying “this is exactly as I feared”.

It looked like staying 1-0 to the sugar and butter until with 3 seconds to go Jack Wilshere received the ball in the sixth row of the stands and headed it straight back and into the 3 nanometers of space between the bus and the goalpost.

One all, and there was much protesting, but the game was eventually restarted for the 8 seconds of injury time and Arshavin (the only man small enough to squeeze through the space) walked the ball into the net a further six times to leave Arsenal with a 7-1 victory.

“It was a game of three halves” wrote the man from the Dyscalculia Times and I don’t think you can say fairer than that.

The Lord Wenger said that Arsenal showed great mental strength and the Everton man said the result was daylight robbery. David Bentley has been arrested.

Crossword Answers
1 Down – Ajax (Vermaelen)
1 Up – Toffee
1 Inverted – a genetic inability to do maths
1 backwards – Doctor Who – “Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma” (now out of print).

Oh my God I think I missed the coach.

(c) Ynot DoowttA

11 Replies to “All Tomorrow’s Parties: Everton/Arsenal report and result before the game is played”

  1. Great article, but you missed stats about color of player eyes. And that Cesc played remote game from Barcelona as it is his eternal which to get back home.

  2. lol really good one.david bentley -classic touch.its really dissapointing to see so many fans so depressed even before the season kick off.even stoke and hull fans seem more cheerful.

  3. dont you love it! the papers here in the uk, they have all written us off for the championship.thats fine by me.i cant see a better starting 11 than ours. the problem is keeping them fit.

    i think our man to watch will be bentner. he has an arrogance about him that will shine through. adto leave for more cash bayor, will not be missed. think about how many times our attacks broke down because he was off side.arshavin, van persie, nasri, rosiky, cesc, gallas, clichy, sagna, walcott. tell me a team that has that!!!! come on you mighty gunners.

  4. LOL Tony, great read. This is what we can appraciate from outhere: that great British sense for humour.
    Some 2 hours before kickoff… cant wait to get starting. Preparing my laptop to be able to put on the first match report. And we are lucky because the game will be shown on Flemish TV live (on a sports paying channel) and this is one of the advantages of having Vermaelen in the Arsenal.
    This paying channel will now even more keep a live eye on the Arsenal.

  5. oh noes.. Denilson the useless bag of sh!t, he cant even celebrate properly; Denilson out. Yes, he made a goal line clearance but that’s accident.

  6. “leave Arsenal with a 7-1 victory” almost spot on Tony. 😉
    What a game. In a way you could feel the goal for Everton coming. We were already doing our cool down and were to relaxed. But before that our team defending was spot on all game long.
    Being from the same region like Thomas Vermaelen I really would like to point out that he had a very good game along side Gallas. They looked very solid.
    Denilson… if he is going to start scoring like that… oeps just forgot… he’s sh*t aint it. 😉
    This was a great team performance and you could see what Wenger was trying in the friendly games in preseason. It worked out quit allright I would say.

  7. What a performance!!!!! Loved it… People who said Denilson & Bendtner are bad, go and watch the match again… Couldnt ask for a better start to the season. Hope this makes the moaners realise that We really are a Good Team.

    The Midfield Trio were Majestic. Who said 3 22/23 year old midfielder cant dictate a game?? Denilson/Cesc/Song were Awesome. Add Nasri/Rosicky/Diaby/Ramsey/Merida to this list and We do have excellent Depth for these positions.

    Vermaelen is the beast-of-a-defender we all realised we needed.. Gallas showed why Arsene kept him and sold Toure(No dis-respect to Toure, He was an excellent player for the club).. Sagna/Clichy were at their usual best..

    Bendtner showed again this desire to PLAY for the club. The way he tracked back while defending.

    Is this the new version of Wengerball?? If yes, then I’m already in Love with it.. The way everyone interchanged positions were even better than the invincibles in my opinion. I want to write even more about the performance, but I’m so excited that Words fail me..

    WE WON!!!:-) WE WON!!!:-) WE WON!!!:-) WE WON!!!:-) WE WON!!!:-) WE WON!!!:-)

    Excepting even better performa

  8. Expecting even better performances in the matches to come!!!!

    Sorry, clicked ‘Submit Comment’ even befor I completed this statement..

    Tony, Our optimism over the pre-season is starting to bear fruit….

    Walter, spot on about Denilson. He scored a Wonderful goal and played a wonderful game but he really is sh*t. Same about Vermaelen. He gave me the even more proof that We dont need the 6’4″ or 7′ some are crying for!!! The team-spirit evident during the pre-season was evident today especially when Eboue came on for Bendtner.. This really looks like a Team wanting to prove everyone Wrong…

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