As you may know, Team Talk often take articles from here and publishes them later under other people’s names.
I was discussing this with TT yesterday and patiently explaining the software they need to install to stop this, when it suddenly occurred to me that if I reversed the polarity (as we used to do on Doctor Who) I could in fact use the same software to give you match reports before the game happened.
So, Meat Klat, thank you – here we go.
The Everton Arsenal match went pretty much according to expectation. Cesc of course was dropped at the last minute because of his impending transfer to Southend, but Messi did arrive, which helped.
Andy Grey announced that this was the most exciting season ever and the “Sugar, butter, cream, milk combinations” (what strange nicknames these northern teams have) threw things up in the air, and then complained when they came down again and hit them in the face.
There was controversy too when the ref (Hardly Anyone) allowed the northerners to kick off before Arsenal had arrived on the pitch and in the ensuing melee Everton had 127 shots of which one was on target.
When the Arsenal team did get on the pitch the team was much as expected – an average height of 6mm and an average age of a Mongolian Klaxon. As the man on Radioi 5 last night said, Arsenal won’t win because everyone is injured.
There was one surprise in the line however wherein a bottle of bathroom cleaning liquid (doubling as a Greek hero) played at centre half. (Answers at the end).
At half time a disconsolate Arsenal trooped in 1-0 down and 87 blogs appeared with the headline “this is exactly as I feared”.
There was more controversy in the second half when Albert Busdriver drove the team coach and parked it in the goalmouth, refusing to move it on the grounds that he was following the manual supplied to him at Bolton.
It was carefully explained that parking the team coach in front of the goal was a metaphor. “What’s a meta for,” said Mr Busdriver.
“Like: ‘All the world’s a stage’,” said Robin Van P whose parents are artists and therefore know things like this.
“So I should park on the stage?” said Mr Busdriver.
Everyone agreed and he went to find one.
The ref refused to act any further and ESPN complained that they were overrunning, so the match went ahead with the bus in goal, and Arsenal hit the paintwork 95 times. 87 blogs appears on Team Talk saying “this is exactly as I feared”.
It looked like staying 1-0 to the sugar and butter until with 3 seconds to go Jack Wilshere received the ball in the sixth row of the stands and headed it straight back and into the 3 nanometers of space between the bus and the goalpost.
One all, and there was much protesting, but the game was eventually restarted for the 8 seconds of injury time and Arshavin (the only man small enough to squeeze through the space) walked the ball into the net a further six times to leave Arsenal with a 7-1 victory.
“It was a game of three halves” wrote the man from the Dyscalculia Times and I don’t think you can say fairer than that.
The Lord Wenger said that Arsenal showed great mental strength and the Everton man said the result was daylight robbery. David Bentley has been arrested.
1 Down – Ajax (Vermaelen)
1 Up – Toffee
1 Inverted – a genetic inability to do maths
1 backwards – Doctor Who – “Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma” (now out of print).
Oh my God I think I missed the coach.
(c) Ynot DoowttA
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- Fans are getting a bit more uppity, but who’s fault is that?