Dennis Bergkamp talks to Billy the Dog about Aston Villa and other cabbages

By Billy Le Dog

Today is World Vampire Day, and in celebration, we note that the Emirates is the only stadium in the western spiral arm of the galaxy in which a goal scored with a shot from outside the penalty area this season.

And thus, therefore and so we come to Our Jack’s 50th league game for the club.  I most certainly never expected his growth in stature and ability to be this quick – and if he is this good this season, just think about next.

I was only saying to that Dennis Bergkamp down the allotment the other day, these footballers are getting shorter all the time, I said.

“Ah oui” said Dennis, who likes to show his multicultural side when handling cabbages, and we got into deep chit-chat about the relationship between height (“Jack is 5 feet 4 inches tall” I said,) and the ability to make the most amazing passes in the history of amazing passes since Dennis.

Dennis is a keen carrot man and we chatted for a while about the game, Dennis’ future, and the role of the glacier as a driving force in West Ham’s forward line, but ultimately time was up and we had to move on for the cappuccino and croissants, so I asked Dennis for his tips.

“Aston Villa have used 30 different players so far this season,” he said, “and they are tricky, often using all 30 at once.  With the bias we now see among refs it is clear to the club that they can get away with it, and of course they do.”

“But,” I rejoindered, grabbing Dennis by the sleeve, “tell me how they will play.”

So Dennis invited me for a quick pint at the Auld Triangle, and revealed all.

“Aston Villa,” he said, “is a French musical ensemble.  Their singles  include Regarde moi released in 2005, Invincible (2002) and Le chien, the same year.”

“Le chien!” I reposterated in a manner akin to George W Bush.  “Le chien c’est moi!” and oh how we laughed.

“Members of the band were arrested in 2009 for log poaching and interfering with trolls,” Dennis continued “and apart from playing football have been largely quiet ever since.

“Of course Ahton Villa is actually a historic home located on the corner of 23rd and Broadway in Galveston Texas.  As such they are the only football team whose players are singers and who play in a stately home in the US.

“On January 7, 1859, Colonel James Moreau Brown, a prominent spaghetti manufacturer moved the club to spaghetti junction where it now plays. Using slave labour he constructed the first brick structure in Birmingham!

“The three-story grandstand was built in Victorian Italianate style, with deep eaves, long windows and ornate verandas and can still be seen in the misty distance.  Players like to try and hit the ball over the veranda and onto the motorway, part of which goes through the club house.”

“An interesting club,” I said, wondering exactly what it was that the landlord of the Triangle had put in Dennis’ drink.

Dennis bade farewell and I scurried off to Islington Harbour where the port officials keep a computer under the desk, and I turned to Wikipedia for more info.

Wiki told me that in 1874 Aston Villa FC were cricketers in search of a summer pastime.  Well, yes, you can see how confusing it must be with all that spaghetti.

Their first match was in March 1875, against Aston Brook St Mary’s rugger team, one half played as a rugby match, one as football.  They still play this way, although as we have seen in recent years at the Ems often they play rugby all the way through the game.

The supporters of Aston Villa are the group who have come closest to causing a riot at the Ems, when following the violent and viscious attack on Eduardo by Birmingham City, Villa fans sang songs in praise of the attack.  This was one of the most obvious incitements to riot that has ever been seen at a football ground, but sadly arrests were limited, and no bans for eternity were issued.

Birmingham, from when commeth the Villa has regularly be the subject of post-modernist pre-Raphaelite rioting.  Disturbances and fighting generally occur around the centre circle, where people protest against the ‘bohemian’ approach of the current management, which they say is causing the club to fall into decline.  They also don’t like the lack of convenience food stores near the penalty spot.

“I can’t just sit back and hide in the shadows while our club crumbles,” said A Supporter hitting a small local councillor who suddenly appeared on the scene.

Many believe the Aston Villa situation is a direct result of the fight for freedom in Libya and Cheltenham and an outbreak of hair washing in Newcastle, which has caused much comment.

“He’s destroying our club,” said A Supporter.

“That’s what they want you to think,” said his brother, appearing from nowhere and hitting him.

A group of anarcho-syndicalist Fifa officials called for calm, and asked for bribes.

Last season the club finished sixth in the league and the season before they were sixth.  The season before that they were sixth.  Fans were annoyed at this and so called for the club to step up to the next level.  Martin O’Neill (the only Premier League manager ever to set foot in my house – his daughter was in the same class as my youngest) left the club and the great leap forward followed.

The team:

Scscazszscszscszsz

Sagna Djourou Vermaelen Clichy

Song Wilshere

Fabregas

Walcott Van Persie Arshavin

Subs: Lehmann the Invincible, Eboué the funny, Squillaci the non-Italian, Nasri in injured, Miquel the great white hope, Gibbs the English, Denílson the eternally abused by supporters, Ramsey the Wales, Frimpong the much missed, Bendtner the argumentative at least according to the papers, Chamakh the…

Eternal apologies to UnNews.