Dennis Bergkamp talks to Billy the Dog about Aston Villa and other cabbages

By Billy Le Dog

Today is World Vampire Day, and in celebration, we note that the Emirates is the only stadium in the western spiral arm of the galaxy in which a goal scored with a shot from outside the penalty area this season.

And thus, therefore and so we come to Our Jack’s 50th league game for the club.  I most certainly never expected his growth in stature and ability to be this quick – and if he is this good this season, just think about next.

I was only saying to that Dennis Bergkamp down the allotment the other day, these footballers are getting shorter all the time, I said.

“Ah oui” said Dennis, who likes to show his multicultural side when handling cabbages, and we got into deep chit-chat about the relationship between height (“Jack is 5 feet 4 inches tall” I said,) and the ability to make the most amazing passes in the history of amazing passes since Dennis.

Dennis is a keen carrot man and we chatted for a while about the game, Dennis’ future, and the role of the glacier as a driving force in West Ham’s forward line, but ultimately time was up and we had to move on for the cappuccino and croissants, so I asked Dennis for his tips.

“Aston Villa have used 30 different players so far this season,” he said, “and they are tricky, often using all 30 at once.  With the bias we now see among refs it is clear to the club that they can get away with it, and of course they do.”

“But,” I rejoindered, grabbing Dennis by the sleeve, “tell me how they will play.”

So Dennis invited me for a quick pint at the Auld Triangle, and revealed all.

“Aston Villa,” he said, “is a French musical ensemble.  Their singles  include Regarde moi released in 2005, Invincible (2002) and Le chien, the same year.”

“Le chien!” I reposterated in a manner akin to George W Bush.  “Le chien c’est moi!” and oh how we laughed.

“Members of the band were arrested in 2009 for log poaching and interfering with trolls,” Dennis continued “and apart from playing football have been largely quiet ever since.

“Of course Ahton Villa is actually a historic home located on the corner of 23rd and Broadway in Galveston Texas.  As such they are the only football team whose players are singers and who play in a stately home in the US.

“On January 7, 1859, Colonel James Moreau Brown, a prominent spaghetti manufacturer moved the club to spaghetti junction where it now plays. Using slave labour he constructed the first brick structure in Birmingham!

“The three-story grandstand was built in Victorian Italianate style, with deep eaves, long windows and ornate verandas and can still be seen in the misty distance.  Players like to try and hit the ball over the veranda and onto the motorway, part of which goes through the club house.”

“An interesting club,” I said, wondering exactly what it was that the landlord of the Triangle had put in Dennis’ drink.

Dennis bade farewell and I scurried off to Islington Harbour where the port officials keep a computer under the desk, and I turned to Wikipedia for more info.

Wiki told me that in 1874 Aston Villa FC were cricketers in search of a summer pastime.  Well, yes, you can see how confusing it must be with all that spaghetti.

Their first match was in March 1875, against Aston Brook St Mary’s rugger team, one half played as a rugby match, one as football.  They still play this way, although as we have seen in recent years at the Ems often they play rugby all the way through the game.

The supporters of Aston Villa are the group who have come closest to causing a riot at the Ems, when following the violent and viscious attack on Eduardo by Birmingham City, Villa fans sang songs in praise of the attack.  This was one of the most obvious incitements to riot that has ever been seen at a football ground, but sadly arrests were limited, and no bans for eternity were issued.

Birmingham, from when commeth the Villa has regularly be the subject of post-modernist pre-Raphaelite rioting.  Disturbances and fighting generally occur around the centre circle, where people protest against the ‘bohemian’ approach of the current management, which they say is causing the club to fall into decline.  They also don’t like the lack of convenience food stores near the penalty spot.

“I can’t just sit back and hide in the shadows while our club crumbles,” said A Supporter hitting a small local councillor who suddenly appeared on the scene.

Many believe the Aston Villa situation is a direct result of the fight for freedom in Libya and Cheltenham and an outbreak of hair washing in Newcastle, which has caused much comment.

“He’s destroying our club,” said A Supporter.

“That’s what they want you to think,” said his brother, appearing from nowhere and hitting him.

A group of anarcho-syndicalist Fifa officials called for calm, and asked for bribes.

Last season the club finished sixth in the league and the season before they were sixth.  The season before that they were sixth.  Fans were annoyed at this and so called for the club to step up to the next level.  Martin O’Neill (the only Premier League manager ever to set foot in my house – his daughter was in the same class as my youngest) left the club and the great leap forward followed.

The team:


Sagna Djourou Vermaelen Clichy

Song Wilshere


Walcott Van Persie Arshavin

Subs: Lehmann the Invincible, Eboué the funny, Squillaci the non-Italian, Nasri in injured, Miquel the great white hope, Gibbs the English, Denílson the eternally abused by supporters, Ramsey the Wales, Frimpong the much missed, Bendtner the argumentative at least according to the papers, Chamakh the…

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12 Replies to “Dennis Bergkamp talks to Billy the Dog about Aston Villa and other cabbages”

  1. Brilliant
    The only way to improve Tony’s articles is to take acid before reading them!
    Thanks for cheering me up during footballs darkest hour

  2. How much do we have in the kitty this summer?
    I’ve read 40 mil now it seems like 30 ?
    please someone tell me.

  3. why can we not play cesc and nasri in the centre alongside a diciplined defencesive midfielder 4-4-1-1. with either cesc or nasri operating in the advance midfield role. nasri says he wants to play cencter, france recognise him as a center mid & captain following footsteps ov the great man zidan. so why does wenger push him on the wing?? is it because he doesnt knw wot he will get with either arsharvin(idol-lazy) or walcott(positional scense tho getting better)
    so wenger goes for safest option play 1 or the other with nasri operating the other wing?? go out and buy a decent wingers

  4. gooners pls watch spain vs switzerland (world cup 2010)
    G.Inler defensive holding cental midfielder.he almost stoped the fast slick passing style of spain single handedly, a performance to be admired.we need a player like him i like song but maybe he needs more diciplin why he keeps running forward and leavin no cover for the defenders i dnt knw. but its dwn to wenger hes got no fear factor about him anymore players do wot they want, no ones seems to stick to there role

  5. he he, nice one, Ben.
    very funny, it is good to see that billy the dog is not the only one with one on psychotropic meds on here

  6. thank you ugandan goon. maybe you think we will rule the roost with denilson and diaby lmao. nasri in the center is better than both of them mate

  7. Ben- i think there are a lot of issues in our formation. The formation (4-2-1-3) itself is not the problem. The problem is that some of our players are not suited to their position. For eg. Nasri isn’t suited as a lone central midfielder and he isn’t a left forward either. He’s best suited in a 2 man attacking midfield. Also, both Walcot and Arshavin aren’t as effective wide on the flanks than being as a second striker in a 4-4-2 position. Same goes for Bendtner who normally goes wide and isn’t as effective then. Plus our squad doesn’t hav any typical wingers. Thats a major concern bcoz we have the best heading talent (Chamakh) in our squad but no one to provide him the crosses. Even Bendtner and Van Persie are good at headers but no one has been consistent in providing good crosses.

  8. I agree, Chamakh is top class.I just saw his goals for Bordeaux.Anybody who sees those can see his quality.Had we wingers who did good crosses his goal tally would have been more than 20 this season.Just see his goals guys.
    What we saw at the first half of the season were only a small glimmer of his overall potential.His interplay is also good and he linked up well with Yoan Gouffran,leading to some muth watering goals.Everybody seems to forget this is his first season in EPL,even then he has good contribution to the team.

  9. fellow fans lets be honest we need a keeper,couple defenders,couple strong midfielders and a super top class striker that can get right in the game and put the ball in the net like darren bent

  10. Now Darren Bent is better than Chamakh?This is getting more and more ridiculous.

  11. You guys only look at the present form.Anyway Darren Bent didn’t score those goals our defenders did.

  12. Great to see Billy the Dog back.

    And what’s this talk of formations and Nasris?

    Samir doesn’t play in the center because he’s more of a dribbler than a passer. More of a goalscorer than creator. He’s better used out on the wing for us. I think playing on the wing allows him more freedom rather than restrict him, as some people think.

    Song makes runs up the field because when we play against a 4-4-2, the two midfielders on the other team usually mark up Cesc and Wilshere. So Song is left free, and he can run unmarked into the attacking third and wreak havoc (or score goals).
    Against United, Rooney was told to man-mark him. And thus Rooney the forward was often wandering around in his own half as Song ventured forward, unable to make any sort of contribution in the final third. So works as a defensive strategy too.

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