Thank Gillingham; laugh at Crouch

What do Peter Crouch and Luke Freeman have in common?

As you know Luke Freeman is 15, has signed for Arsenal, is the youngest player to have played in the “Proper” section of the FA Cup, has played three time for Gillingham and will sign a professional contract when he is (or “turns” as the journalists love to say) 17. Oh and Newcastle, West Ham and anyone else you want to think about tried to “hijack” the deal.  (My God these journos have a funny language).Right, that’s it – so  now think about Gillingham.

Gillingham.  Maybe you’ve not been there, but it’s, well, you know, there.   And it is the focal point of Peter Crouch (known as “Crouch”) ‘s so-called “autobiography”.

I don’t recommend you read the “Crouch” autobiography – and I refuse to take responsibility for the health and safety issues that result if you do.  You may need private medical care.  

But you should note what this infamous book says – not least because the next time the “Crouch” strays, waddles and mingles around some of the blades of grass on the Emirates pitch you might want to mention the word “Gillingham” to him.

You see the “Crouch” uses a chunk of this “auto” book to launch a wild and mad attack on …. Gillingham.  Honest – Gillingham.  He attacks the club, the fans, the ground, the children, the residents of the town, and even some passer by who happened to get in his way.  Can you imagine – you get fame, you are paid several billion pounds a second, and you use your “auto” to make an insane attack on Gillingham.

Is this insanity I hear you ask.  Well I don’t hear you ask, but you know…

There’s the bit where his dad (along no doubt to hold the “Crouch” hand) visits a pub and is shocked by the programme on TV.  He notices some people in the pub gambling!!!   He sees some prat with oil on a street corner and a child wandering down the street with a dog.  And out of all this he says,  “If you’ve never had the pleasure of visiting Gillingham I hope that puts you in the picture.”

I can’t really replicate the style of the “book”, but basically this is a wild rant in which brought about because some kids gave him a bit of a abuse when he played at Gillingham for QPR.   The “Crouch” object calls them “the hillbillies in the film Deliverance” and calls the locals freaks.  

Now the Crouch persona wrote all this tripe seven years after he played at Gillingham.  He kept it brewing all this time.

“These people are not worth me thinking about them,” says Crouch. “I am going to get back on the bus, go home and have a totally different life from them.”

Now let me ask you, would you bother to write about a town where a bunch of kids called you “freak” seven years later when you are playing in the EPL?   Of course not, you would have forgotten it long ago.   But not the “Crouch” – which is why it is perfectly correct to call him a freak – and to have something of a soft spot for Gillingham for letting us have Luke Freeman.   Next time you see the Crouch Freak play just call him “Gillingham.”  He is probably too silly to realise the irony, but it is still funny.

Special thanks to GoonerNews for listing this little bloggy thing: