The funniest Arsenal chant (or story) ever

Last week I wrote a piece for an Arsenal web site in India, in return for the piece they wrote for Untold.

It went up, and they said nice things about it.  No problem.

Yesterday, it reappeared on another site with a different headline.   The author said it was the funniest article he had ever read about football journalism.  He gave full credit to me as author, so no prob.  In fact the reverse – he was extremely gracious and kind in the praise he gave my article.

Which made me think of two things.

One: what is the funniest chant you have ever heard at Arsenal.

Two: what is the funniest article or story you have heard/read about Arsenal.

I am only going to answer point one with three songs/chants – two from the old days one from this season.

From the old days: Perry Groves World. To the tune of Yellow Submarine, it basically went

Number One is Perry Groves

Number Two is Perry Groves

Number Three is Perry Groves

Number Four is Perry Groves

We all live in a Perry Groves World, a Perry Groves World….

Also from that era – from the season when we had 2 points deducted for arguing at Manchester United.  We won the league with a game to spare, Liverpool having lost in an earlier kick off on TV.   We poured out of the pubs into the ground and for three solid hours sang

You can stick your fucking two points up your arse.

Now there is nothing very funny about that, and my apologies if you find the language offensive, but I can’t really tell the story without giving you the full language.  (The song was “She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes”).

But the TV commentator had to cope with nothing but that chant which could be clearly heard on TV.  And on the recordings you can hear us -singing it over and over and over, with the commentator saying, “And you can hear the Arsenal supporters in good voice, singing “We are the champions” which they are now, because Liverpool lost.”

Last one: this season. After the third goal against Tottenham, most of the crowd singing, “Are you Tottenham in disguise?”.   Laugh?  I nearly cried.  Wonderful surreal Arsenal.

Any suggestions?

Tony Attwood

23 Replies to “The funniest Arsenal chant (or story) ever”

  1. That chant ” Are you Tottenham in disguise” will go go down in folklaw history, i laughed my head off, it was one of those “where were you moments” in Arsenal history.

    Great stuff.

  2. I think one of the funniest chants I have heard was concerning JUAN who was at Arsenal for a couple of seasons as a youngster. He was a braziallian left back. In an FA Cup match at Highbury (sorry cannae remember who we were playing, may have been Gillingham as it goes). No one knew JUAN so we started singing “One 57, there’s only 1 57!” He was wearing number 57…. BUT then the song changed to a classic…. “One Juan, there’s only one Juan” Sounded like one one, there’s only one one. Very good, well made me chuckle anyway.
    This may not be popular but I did love the Osama Bin Laden song we used to sing on the clock end: “He’s hiding in Kabul, he supports the Arsenal, Osama woooaahhh, Osama woooaaahhh!”

  3. Does anyone recall Kwame Ampadu? Anyway his name fitted nicely with Black Lace tune ‘Agadoo’:

    Ampa..du du du push pineapple shake the tree, Ampa..du du du etc…

    Also the Eboue alternative at the moment to the tune of ‘I Like to Move it’ by Reel to Reel:

    I like Eboue..boue I like Eboue..boue I like Eboue!

    Original here:

  4. Tony Adams magic,
    Hes got a magic knob,
    And when he saw Caprice,
    He shoved it in her gob,
    Shoved it up her pussy,
    Shoved it up her bum,
    And when he went to shite hart lane,
    He fucked Glen Hoddle’s mum!

  5. nice one!! hope adebayor gets a good song when he returns to the emirates…from the song “three blind mice” and we’l all have a good laugh.

  6. Funniest Arsenal article I’ve read was on Pyles Murmur’s ANR, titled: “Is Craig Eastmond already better than Eboue, Song or Denilson?”

    Now, I know many don’t think Pyles is funny, but I’ve found that if you go to his site strictly looking for comic relief, he’s bound to provide it with his near-sighted (and I’m probably being unfair to near-sighted people everywhere) opinions about Arsenal.

    I laughed my head off reading him declare that Eastmond (who did in fact have a great game against Liverpool Insolvents) was already better than Song, Eboue, and Diaby, but forgetting to mention Denilson (oh dear!) on the basis of one performance, and then go on to say the lad wouldn’t get the same chances Wenger gives his French and African players.

    Viewed from the right perspective, Pyles is a riot!

  7. Personal favourite will always be the magical and surreal:

    My old man’s got a second hand Audi……Gilles Grimandi


  8. If you go to the menu categories on this site and click on the link “untrue humour and wild whimsy” you can find the real funniest articles on Arsenal on the web. And by real funny I mean that it was meant to be funny and actually was funny.

    The funniest not meant to be funny article for the last weeks was the “Eduardo off to Liverpool” when on that same moment Eduardo signed a new contract with the Arsenal.

    For the songs…sadly I never witnessed a game when there was a new song or so. But if I have to choose it would be the 2 points-song. 🙂 I would have enjoyed singing that one.

  9. Stu;

    I remember that game, Juan came in and did a good job…I never knew they chanted about him! Quite amusing that one…

  10. Myles palmer dude is a funny guy in that everything he said is so nonsense it’s unbelievable….how he said when we signed Henry that he will never make it as a striker!!!! I think he went into mad mode after that statement…

  11. My favorite from the not too distant past:

    He’s blond;
    He’s Fit;
    His name’s a porno flick;

    So fitting for our pony- tailed enforcer/playmaker Emmanuel Petit.

    Shame it is not so appropriate for Eboue.

  12. Blimey it makes the old memory cells work again. How about

    Here’s here, here’s there, he’s every fucking where
    Bobby Gould, Bobby Gould

    and although it is now just something we hear all the time, the first ever ironic chant of “Boring Boring Arsenal” when we were 5-0 up, that was a good memory.

    Going back to the time before Alan Ball signed for us – I guess he was at Everton – there was a chant which doesn’t actually seem that wonderful now, but at the time really made me laugh… Arsenal fans sang…

    “Alan, Alan, Alan Ball Alan Ball Alan Ball
    Alan, Alan, Alan Ball, Alan, Alan Ball
    wank wank wank wank wank wank wank
    wank wank wank wank wank wank
    wank wank wank wank wank wank wank
    wank wank wank wank wank

    Yes, well…. one last one. I think it was Rangers who had a player called Shi’ite leading to their own fans chanting

    You’re Shi’ite and you know you are.

    And my claim to fame…

    On the day it was announced we signed Alex Song I wrote on the Red Action news group..,,

    “We’ve only got one Song”

    Original or what.

  13. One that made me laugh (I know it’s sad but I found it funny, sadly I wasn’t there but it was a televised game) was in a game against Everton a few years ago. Everton didn’t a get a free kick and their fans went mad to which all of Highbury went into the “A A A, calm down, calm down” from Harry Enfield in a perfect scouse accent.

    The famouse scouse sense of humour seemed to be missing on that occasion.

  14. I loved the irony in the chant “Andy Lingighan’s school of excellence” after his winning goal in the ’93 cup final!

    I also thought the “Are you Tottnumb in disguise” chant was hilarious!

  15. When Alan Sugar sacked Venables back in 1991, Arsenal fans sang…

    *A spoonful of Sugar helps the Venables go down*

    10/10 for wit!

  16. The funniest song I heard was when we played Newcastle shortly after the near collapse of northern rock. The Arsenal fans started singing “you should have banked with Woolwich, banked with the Woolwich, you should have banked with the Woolwich!!”

    as for the tottenham in disguise song I really enjoyed singing that song to the scum!!!!

  17. I think it was against Swansea and they were last, when Arsenal fans sang “going down, going down, going down.” and the swansea fans replied “so are we, so are we, so are we.” thougt that was good.

  18. during the seventies when manu visited highbury, the papers were full of the story about tommy dochety and his assistants missis who happened to be mary brown who were being a bit naughty. to the song knees up mother brown. it went, who’s up mary brown, who’s up mary brown, tommy tommy dochety, tommy tommy dochety. had the whole ground pissing thenselves

  19. A nice change in pace Tony -good post.I ‘ve mentioned this site before so guys, take a look at this post - .I’ve found it to be hilarious and the follow up “stories” are equally outrageous.Check it out and tell me what you think.Cheers !

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