Kroenke sells, Usmanov buys : big changes at Arsenal!

By Walter Broeckx

People who are on the internet and as you read this you do have access to the internet know that there are a lot of people who claim to know things before they happen.

Now of course this could be that they really know something. Or just that they think about some things, and then look at the probability and then predict it when the chance it might happen is high enough. Many supporters don’t like them and on twitter you get many heated debate about them. They call themselves ITK which apparently stands for In The Know. Which is always GTK. Good To Know.

I’m not that bothered with their predictions. But when on twitter they come on my TM (Time Line) as people I follow retweet their tweets and so I read them. And after sending one of those ITK-guys a tweet myself (advertising the referee reviews you know) he got in touch with me. And we started talking. Privately. And he seemed a nice chap in real live. We had lots of laughs and fun when we talked about live and other  not really football related things.

We even had a chat session and ended up with talking on the phone after exchanging our numbers. He really looked a nice and friendly person.

 

But this morning at 5.00 am my phone rang. I opened my eyes… who can this be? Are my children at home? Yes so no worry something had happened to them. Is my wife lying next to me? Yes she is asleep. I answered the phone with a voice from deep below when you get a phone and are still vast asleep. It was my new friend ITK. As he wants to remain unknown I will call him Mike. So I will give you a transcript of our conversation:

Walter: hallo (low sleepy whispering voice of course)

Mike: hi Walter, did I wake you?

Walter: yes you did (LSWVOC – see above)

Mike: sorry but had to tell you this important news

Walter: what important news ? Is Cesc coming back like you once said? (LSWVOC – see ab…. well you know)

Mike: No Walter this is really big.

Walter: what can be bigger than Cesc coming back or not?

Mike: Wait till you hear this.

Walter: okay just spit it out.

Mike: Just heard the news Kroenke is selling to Usmanov.

Walter: WHAT ??!!! (shouting with a less sleepy voice) – wife mumbles in her sleep – what??!! (shouting with a whispering voice once again)

Mike: yes and that’s not all. There is more to come.

Walter: okay tell me the rest.

Mike: Usmanov will fire Wenger and bring in a new coach.

Walter: come on Usmanov has said Wenger was a good manager, you’re having a joke…

Mike: no, no I swear he will get the sack. A new manager will be appointed tomorrow.

Walter: uh, so now uh you are going to tell me who the new manager will be?

Mike: yes, Usmanov has held talks with arry.

Walter : ARRYYYYY????!!!! (again shouting – again wife mumbling in her sleep) you are joking right?

Mike: no Walter, I’m the one ITK you know.

Walter: indefinite mumbles something between swearing in English and Flemish with a soft whispering voice – the wife you know

Mike: Yep and I have heard that Arry will bring a lot of new players. He has already held talks with : Keane, Crouch, Defoe, Bent, King,  Gallas, Walker and Rose. Those names are certain. He also wants to bring Kaka but you know he always wants to bring Kaka so even I don’t believe that any more. The word is however going that we will have a bid for Samba or Dunn.  And Pavluchenko might be coming if Saha can’t come.

Walter: NNOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (I shouted in despair   and with a loud crying voice)

 

Then suddenly I received an elbow in my lower back. (My wife has hard elbows)

What (the f*ck – she didn’t actually say those two words as she is too well educated to say such things) are you doing in the middle of the night with that remote control in your hands? And who are you shouting at?  Shut up and go back to sleep.

 

And then I realized that I was sitting in my bed with the remote control of my TV in my hands using it as some kind of telephone.

I had been dreaming. With my heart still beating as if I had just ran the Olympic 100m sprint I realized I just had the worst nightmare in my life.  My God, it can’t be true? Could it?

I hardly slept for the rest of the night. Just thinking just imagine it would happen? Just imagine it would happen that way. Just imagine…

So if it happens, you have read it here first.

_____________________________

Or you could read the rest that is  not meant to be funny like

106 Replies to “Kroenke sells, Usmanov buys : big changes at Arsenal!”

  1. What a terrible article. This blog is one of the worse around – tricks you into clicking on to it with a false title then complete drab you wouldn’t even read in the Sunday rags. Please do everyone a favour and stop now!!

  2. Just imagine Usmanov and ‘Arry ‘having talks’!! Oh to be a fly on the wall should that ever happen. In fact the fly would have more of a chance of understanding what was being said than either of the people involved.
    And it could probably write better than ‘Arry too.

  3. Apologise to de wifey and go back to bed! You need several hours to dispel the hard liquor floating around your stomach!

    Back to my den and favourite honey bars!

  4. I hope they read that it is in the category “Untrue humour and wild whimsy”

    After all the seriousness of the referee reviews I had to let some steam go..

  5. You son of a b***h m****r f****r! You wasted my time you d***bf**k. So don’t do that you sp*rsh*t.

    EDITOR: I just wanted to make sure we wouldn’t get blocked for dirty talking

  6. IT better be a dream, and let the dream ends there, Arsenal is not an old people’s home please.

  7. Thank God u woke up b4 Arrry was brought in! Can u imagine. What a nightmare, omg!! And, that elbow was well deserved

  8. Oh and I don’t mind flaming me – but please do it with a valid email address. Thank you.

  9. You have a great site, especially with your referee exposee.

    I wouldn’t demean it with this sort of stuff, neither funny or true. I had no idea which section it was in (it still isn’t clear from the page), you should label the title clearly with something like ‘A dream:….’ so users can make their mind up as to whether to read or not when it appears on NewsNow.

    Otherwise you undo a lot of your good work.

  10. What a load of sh*t
    Cant believe i actually clicked in and read this.
    You should not have the opporttunity to posting anything.

    You basically told us about your dream.
    Your better off posting on a gay chatroom

  11. haha Walter what a horrible nightmare indeed.. I see you managed to catch some fish

  12. Great post and what a nightmare. I still cannot stop LOL to myself and what is even more funnier or disturbing is that you still get some intellectually challenged Gooner fans coming on here cursing you. I m

  13. Ah well those who don’t like my funny side can always have a look at my more serious side…

  14. And to be honest at the start Untold Arsenal had lots of such silly articles. It made me start coming here in the first place

  15. LOL!!!! very funny.

    but there is a real possibility that Kronke will sell up at some point and usmanov will be there waiting. hes now worth nearly 24 billion so he can buy Arsenal for fun hopefully we will get some man city treatment soon.
    cant wait, u know what they say “if you cant beat them then join them” 😉

  16. It is very “Fantabulousconic”. wowoowowowohohoh this is brilliant! Can i have more please? You deserve 10 blow each from every arsenal fans and all d readers of this piece though. The blow from your wife should be times 2.

  17. i am laughing all over especally with the whole old brigade Arry is supposedly bringing. good to know it was dream and ur awake now right but pls dont av such a dream again or else………. well done.

  18. WHAT A LOAD OF SHITEEEE!!! CAN BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SAT AND WROTE THIS CRAP!!! TAKING THE PISS.

  19. You put these titles just to get hits and its pretty sad. Maybe your wife should elbow you a bit harder and knock some sense into you. Your anti usmanov stance without any real understanding of what the man would do with the club is amazing. Wasn’t kroneke the subject to the same sentiment before the fans insisted we at least talk to the man. I agree that AW is the best coach we could ever get and he should stay but to dismiss usamanov out of hand without any good reasons other that he comes from a country next to russia so he must behave the same as Imbramovich is unfounded. You don’t get as rich as Usmanov by throwing money at a club to win one CL. He simply wouldn’t do that he would give AW the financial secruity to go for any player he wants. If you beleive that he would bank roll the club then you know very little about Arsenal. The club would never get into insane debt we just don’t do it, its the Arsenal way regardless of the owner. I normally agree with most of what you write but to dismiss people based on nothing espically when Peter hill wood is blocking Usmanov for his own financial benefit. PHW had decided that his mates in the russian steel buisness who oppose Usmanov are more important then his duties to Arsenal. If you agree that the Chairman should be allowed to put his own personal gains ahead of the clubs then fine but say that. Don’t just make up crap about Usmanov because it’s unbecoming of what is usually a good blog which makes some good points.

  20. That seems like an amusing scene. I must press arsenal fans that it would be a huge mistake to get rid of arsene he is the reason we hold a world wide recognition and he is the reason why we won so much, he is the reason we have fallen in love with total football, he is the reason we have had some of the worlds superstars at our club and he will be the reason to bring us back to the promised land.
    In terms of usmanov and kroenke, I believe there is a lot going on behind closed doors at the club and I feel that the board made sure that kroenke was the man to give them more money in their pockets. Usmanov wanted spend kroenke is benefiting from the clubs profits, I’m not a fan of either person but I know business and I can see what kroenke is doing, he saw money and his eyes gleamed with it. Usmanov has money to burn, the good thing about him is that he actually has a football brain.

  21.  

    THE worst blog on arsenal out there. what a load of s****
    You hav never gave any breaking news, any decent analysis, any inside gossip, what exactly do you give apart from shit stories.
    Will never click on this again.
    Oik approved!
  22. The only part of that nightmare which seemed remotely positive was us getting back Gallas.

  23. HILARIOUS! I wonder what will happen if ur dreams come true HAHAHA
    But still you got a time to write something like this, good piece as there are many rumor articles out there that makes me sick!

  24. You almost gave me an heart attack there. Can’t imagine Arrry and his retarded players at Arsenal. Sigh of relief at the end of the write up though.lol

  25. @ Walter, so the jist of it is that you spent the night dreaming about two blokes is that what this is all about?

  26. Wow! Amazing! Too many morons. No, too many sc*mbags without any humorousness. And the most interesting part is they always and ONLY jump out and show us their ugly, well, nothing but dirty words WHEN we talk about Usmanov. I bet they are part of Usmanov’s private internet “debate” squad. Just like the one those commies use so effectively in my country.

  27. Not only was this a waste of time, you need to learn the difference between life and live.

    It was a boring story, wasn’t funny, wan’t clever. I’d post it under the category ‘used toilet paper’.

  28. Er hum, I’m no freud….so I will leave the deeper analysis to others haha!

    I must say though the article title could give the Daily Mail and red top newspapers a run for thier money. Currently Arsenal have NOT made an approach for Lloris and have NOT made an approach for M’villa! I expect more in this series, where they report that Arsenal have NOT made an approach for Messi, John Terry and Pele.

  29. Ohm Goona Gal,
    you are right I’m starting to dream about guys…..And all this while my wife lying in bed next to me… LOL

  30. @ dudu, wambam, cygooner and the rest – good effort guys, but you are not in RJaggers league!

    You lot are probably like water off a ducks back to Walter.

  31. What a load of bollocks , waste of my fucking time reading that crap, if you want to dream about your mate whispering sweet nothings then don’t share it with everyone !!!!

  32. Yes Wambam you are right. I always struggle with that difference. And I’m serious about that. But then again after such a nightmare… I’m glad I even could write anything…

  33. @ Bob – I can! How about you wasting your time commenting about wasting your time?? I think that this was pretty useless.

  34. Okay, sorry for those who wasted their time in reading this attempt of being funny. I can understand that you are too serious in life/live (done it again) for such a in your case failed attempt.

    To make it up I suggest you read something interesting and based on facts and investigation and hard work.

    Something like this http://blog.emiratesstadium.info/archives/22113

    or http://blog.emiratesstadium.info/archives/22277

    or even this http://blog.emiratesstadium.info/archives/22381

    And there is plenty more of this to come.

  35. Walter, I just thought to warn you before hand. My wife has vowed to sue you because I can’t stop laughing like a mad man.

    Actually, I am feeling a bit light-headed now. I better run off before Walter decides to have any more dreams!

  36. Looks like you’ve upset a few humourless Saddos Walter..Love iiiiiittttt!!
    Keep up the good work.

  37. The bit about a new manager coming in had me excited.Imagine my dismay when it was found to be just a dream. Oh well…we can still hope….
    “In Arsene we rust.”

  38. LRV,
    it seems like I am in all kinds of troubles…

    Explain to my wife about dreaming about 3 men…
    explain to Tony that I almost succeeded to stop the site from running like a well oiled machine…

    Now I must say I once had a dream of a women and… —————————————–

    No, better not.
    Tony would put me in the dungeon at Untold Towers if I would tell it… I had to live next to Billy the Dog then…

  39. 😛 Well I laughed anyway, and I’ve read more spurious blogs recently.

  40. I wonder why all the people who think it was not funny or rubbish read through till the end.

  41. What. The. Fuck. is. This. Fucking. Fucking. FUCKING. SHHHHIIIIT.

    How the fuck did I not have this blocked on NewsNow. No other Usmanov headlines, just this one, I should have known better. When I enter such posts I always know after reading the first 10 words how bad the blog is. Your first fucking sentence makes no grammatical fucking sense for fuck’s sake. This is beyond horrid. It’s a cancerous, crusted turd on the sidewalk of bloggsville. I banish you forever from my screen, for you are not fit to even grace my intellectual mind.

  42. Firstly, your use of language and punctuation reminds me of my 7 year old son. For a 7 year old it’s very good, but for a grown man it’s quite scary. You should read less Mirror and more books. Which I guess explains why a grown man/men refer to Wenger as “Lord”. You guys really need to grow up.

  43. What the fuck, hang on, reading your comments … Walter, you can’t even string a fucking sentence together. It’s riddled with spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors. I kid you not – I’ve seen homework written by 9 year olds than this blog. I mean, well done for trying and getting something out but, fucking hell, this is atrocious. it’s the worst blog I have EVER read, and I have read hundreds of disgraceful blogs.

  44. damn you, almost gave me an heart attack, was getting into rage mode, but what a relief to find out it was only a dream and now… loool cant stop laughing, really nice post keep them coming and dont mind the humorless souls wandering around

  45. OMG, thank you this is only your nightmare Walter.

    If this true, next season I will be supporting Spud!

    My nightmare is Arsene leaves us before we are ready for it.

    Good article Walter, oiks!

  46. Hahahahha…this is a dedication to all the ITK morons!!!

    @Walter….common you don’t need to appease these humourless pricks who can’t appreciate a good joke! Rather, just give the URL to Dailymail…that’s where all the serious stuff is…BTW did Rosy also feature in your nightmare?

  47. LOOOOOOOOOL!! OMG!!! that was sooo hilarious Walter!! you are good man!!

  48. @Walter, I don’t know what you eat at suppertime, if anything, but maybe you should change it.

    It is interesting to see those readers who have no sense of humour – one or two look like oikers!

  49. Nice one Walter.

    I wasn’t fooled for a moment, but it was a good laugh and an even bigger laugh at all the humourless fools who moan and wail so much.

    Analysing as a professional idiot I can tell you that:
    1) you must not be upset at their upset.
    2) they would have been happier with some pretty pictures, and
    3) the story (for them) has an unhappy ending – obviously all these pooh-poohers wanted Arry in.

    In summary, your broken dream has broken their dreams.

    Anyway that’s enough wasted time – keep up the good work.

  50. Shit Walter! You had me worried there with the headline!Phew what a relief.Great article, can’t stop laughing!

  51. Great one Walter. I think your dream was kind of omen/ warning and blessing together.
    I mean you had it before news that RvP won’t renew his contract. So something big change would happen in Arsenal but also make you realize things could be so much worse than losing 1 player.

  52. Crikey!,
    seems to be a certain deficiency of humour in fellow gooners. poor Walter really has touched a nerve with some people who i suspect were having the wettest dream ever at the thought of Usmanov taking over and buying Shevchenko for 35 mil as a statement of intent. Oh dear!
    Keep up the good work!

  53. ha ha, very good. some people want to chill out a bit. i’d rather read a piss take than some of the shit stories on here that are supposed to be true

  54. Sorry Walter but you have done your self a disservice on this joke story all the new readers of your site now beleive that you just like all the other sites headline grabber and all the honest hard work and I beleive truth on the ref review has just gone up in smoke . Next time mark your JOKE story as Joke instead .

  55. Wenger has been underperforming these last six years. At any big champion league club such a record is dismal . Managers such as Hitzfield have been axed despite winning trophies.Wenger is not immune to the axe .
    This coming season will be a waterhed one. Failure to compete for the epl and out of cl qualification could see dramatic changes.Hopefully with Bould as his sidekick,the gunners won’t be predictable and vulnerable to teams like the red faced and Chelsea who wait for the gunners to lose the ball in attack and launch a counter.They have been successful especially one red faced.
    This time Wenger better have plan b or c or it will all go to wasted.

  56. Nice one Walter – more please ! Not only did I have a good laugh at your article, the follow up comments were even funnier from the newbies who don’t appreciate humour.
    Get a life guys !
    Have to agree with Adam @ 1:43 am – a good haul indeed !

  57. @walter
    You could have written it under funny headline say “billy the dog forsees…”. Could have been less serious.

    @gooner gal
    If some1 gives his valuable time to any article or anything he is entitled to share that with the creator.

  58. Good to see the lighter side of Untold once again, this place has become too serious.

  59. I just wonder that if my wife hadn’t woken me up that Mike would have told me RVP would be gone…

  60. And always nice to see that people think I’m younger than my real calender age. Thanks for the compliment. 😉

  61. @ Matt Clarke and all the others slagging of people who thought the article was not the slightest bit funny shut it you dicks , if people don’t like the shit article then they are well within their rights to leave a comment , you mugs

  62. So not finding it so funny now RVP is leaving. I know AFC fans are seen to have no sense of humor at the moment but it is starting to feel like the debt collectors have come around to take our best stuff and yet we have been making the payments. What is going on? Get kroneke out and we can actually keep some players! Sound good? You constantly state that kroneke will do things the right way and not flood AFC with money well I think keeping your best player and not selling him because he had a good season isn’t ruining the game it keeps us competetive. Does Usmanov seem that bad now?

  63. Fantastic, love a bit of comedy particularly when most “news” isn’t worthy.

  64. After reading the news today:

    Well…. Mike…. where were we when my wife woke me up….Usmanov you said….

  65. I’d like to think I’ve as good a sense of humour as the next person. First time coming to your site and I have to say that post was one of most unfunny cringeworthy articles I’ve read in a long time. Sorry dude…

  66. Wow that was good infact it’s most suited now that there is tension and sadness everywhere among arsenal fans in the world as a whole. Harry porter wudda been great and Crouch our skipper, what a team. Nice post buddy. It’s also good for the heart

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