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August 2021

draft Boreham Stiff v Arsenal. Three penguins and a mongoose

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Boreham Stiff v Arsenal

By Sir Toby Belch

Hithertofore to Boreham Stiff, a diminutive principality adjoined to the kingdom of Spagetti Hoops, Hertfordshire.   I love the Boreham Stiff web site for today (20th July) it invites me to buy tickets for the match on 17th July against Watford.  (It was a 1-1 draw).

With my trusty time machine at the ready, I shall set the boat course aside and float out.  Given the time differential I can arrange for them to pay be to turn up in the past, and thus profit is made!  Everyone wins.  Well actually the club doesn’t.

Foresooth!  At present most of Hertfords is under water, and the county of Bert Hert (after whom it is names) is used primarily for penguin farming – as well as being the largest mongoose factory this side of the Urals.

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Meadow Park, where the game will take place at 3pm is itself a unified centrepiece for the celebration of the establishment of waterpolo among in the Sahara.  Outbreaks of swine flu have been almost totally eradicated from most of the housing estates and there are several public houses which have not had a notifiable disease in weeks.  Terrorism hardly exists on many of the beaches.

Top man in the Stiffs is Ian Allinson forever known as the beneficiary of the biggest bureaucratic cock up in football since England decided to join Fifa.  He was with Colchester (a diminutive principality south of Albania) but by mistake they let his registration with the Football Querk Master in Wembley, expire in 1983 and so he signed for Arsenal on a free.

Sadly the opening did not go well, for in his first game we lost to Walsall.  I mean, can you imagine a team under Herbert Chapman losing to Walsall?

As a result of signing Ian, Terry Neill was sacked within days, but Don Howe put in him in the team (Ian not Terry, I mean you wouldn’t put our ex-manager in the team would you, that would be silly) and in 1984/5 he played 20 games and scored 10 goals in the league and one in the league cup.   Amazingly this made him equal top scorer for the season.

What, I wonder my darlings, would the AAA have made of that?


George Graham however was a grisly old merchant sea-farmer, and he didn’t like the dashing young Ian even though the League Cup semi-final replay against a rather lesser known team called Seven Sisters Baby Sitters Ian came on as substitute.  We were 1-0 down.  Ian scored, and then so did Rocastle.

Thus was born the 1-0 down 2-1 up legend not to mention a fanzine capable of the most astounding negativity.  The meandering bodkins from down the lane had won the first semi 1-0 at Arsenal, and were so certain of their place in the final that they were announcing how tickets could be obtained for that game, during the half time interval.  Oh what foolish fellows what contrary chaps.  How silly they must have felt!  What dolts!  What gerrymanders!  What ibuprofens!

How we laughed!

Ian didn’t play in the final, but he had made his mark and he was given a free transfer after  105 games and 23 goals.

Ian is now known as Mr Yo Yo (or in Australia Mr Oy Oy) .  He went to Boreham Stiff FC.  He left Boreham Stiff after a year, but then came back as Director of Football in 2005.  He left in 2006, but then came back a bit later.  Here’s here, here’s there he’s every fucking where…  Oh no sorry that was Bobby Gould.

So who plays?

Actually I haven’t got a clue as I am currently starring in 12th Night at the Frumpton Parish Hall in Little Legover by the Frog (a watering hole in Spain), but I think we have a squad that looks like this…

  • Damian Martinez
  • James Shea
  • Martin Angha
  • Daniel Boateng
  • Sead Hajrovic
  • Jernade Meade
  • Elton Monteiro
  • Kyle Ebecilio
  • Samir Bihmoutine
  • Josh Rees
  • Jordan Wynter
  • Phillip Roberts
  • Hector Bellerin
  • Kristoffer Olsson
  • Chuba Akpom
  • Sanchez Watt
  • Conor Henderson
  • Thomas Eisfeld

And thus I, with my outrageous and astounding knowledge of Olympic tug boating and Norwegian plunge wrestling, predict the team will be

Damian Martinez

Jernade Meade; Daniel Boateng; Sead Hajrovic; Elton Monteiro

Kristoffer Olsson; Kyle Ebecilio; Conor Henderson

Thomas Eisfeld; Sanchez Watt; Chuba Akpom


Remember you read it here first, unless you didn’t in which case you should have.

This is the start of the world of Terry Burton.  He is 159 years old (that’s what it says here) and is head development coach and won the youth cup with us when we beat Henry VIII Warriors on the battle fields of France. Good man.  Untold broke the news of his appointment months or even days before the event.

More importantly it is the start of life as Arsenal men for all these guys except for Sanchez Watt, whom we all thought was really going to make it big time.  Either he has made it big time and so is here as a stabilising force for the rest of the team, or he is on display as the club want to sell him.  At 21 he really ought to be making it having been with Southend, Leeds, Wednesday, and Crawley, but here he is back in the Reserves.  A freebie beckons I fear.

So for the stars of the show I would go with

  • Damian Martinez
  • Kyle Ebecilio
  • Conor Henderson
  • Thomas Eisfeld
  • Chuba Akpom

And there you have it and if you don’t you can hardly call it my fault.

How to get to Boreham Stiff

Follow the M1 roadworks north until you get to the M25 canal.  Disembark and hire a local long boat, keeping clear of the seaweed and the memorial to Pope Clement.  At the monastery turn right into Boreham which the pope granted the whole of for the feeding of swine (you have been warned).  There is a waste land called the Common which was once given to Elstree but they gave it back.

While you are there you may be called upon to make a film or two, possibly working as an actor in a film studio where the latest James Bond film is not being made.    According to Wiki “In addition to the studios, the town is also home to many retail shops, offices and light industry.”

Thus a splendid time is guaranteed.

I mean, retail shops?  Not just shops, but retail shops.  My heart pounds.

36 comments to draft Boreham Stiff v Arsenal. Three penguins and a mongoose

  • Goona Gal

    WHERE IS BILLY THE DOG???? At least that mongrel made sense!!!!!

  • Matt Clarke

    I wish that you would check your facts!

    Everyone knows that if you travel back in time to watch a football match the cost in tri-lithium crystals far outweighs the negative entrance fee refund.

    (Unless you use the company time machine).

    Also, you have missed John Connor off the list.

    Although he isn’t yet born I understand that we have signed him. AW sent The Verminator forward in time to fetch him for the match.

    Other than those glaring errors (which obviously confused poor Goona Gal et al) that was a Belchingly good read.

  • Matt Clarke

    Incidentally, rumour has it that the mongoose factories are for the production of the local delicacy: Tricky Ricky Tikka Masala.


  • nicky

    You see, Toby, now look what you’ve done.
    Already, one of us (Goona Gal) has read your post LOOKING FOR SENSE.
    How many others will follow!

  • Gerry Lennon

    Vivian Stanshall still lives!

  • John

    Really wondering what untold thoughts are on Van persie situation not only wanting to leave, but wanting to leave to play for Man U and also refusing to go on the Asia tour???

    The player has done nothing but disrespect the club and its fanss since that statment was issued. The club stood by him when many others would have binned him. He manages to stay injury free for 12 months and with his talent scores alot of goals… q being a greddy selfish f**ker … I’m out of here.

    To be honest I had a horrible feeling he wanted to go to Utd and the fact he is thinking of joining them shows he doesnt give a flying f**k about Arsenal and the fans only himself.

    I really hope he gets his wish and gets an injury in his 1st match and never plays for them while collecting 200K a week.

    I know thats very bitter comment but hungry greedy bastards thats only think of themsleves and f**k everyone else sickening me to my stomach and its the main reason the world is so f**ked up.

    If he has to leave to those scum then its 30M Plus Bervatov or fuck off let me play with the U16 for teh next year. I would never let someone dictate to me how this is going to be played out especially when they have 1 year remaining.

  • Goona Gal

    Have I been blocked???

  • rusty

    If the media rumors are true that RVP is skipping the Asia tour to force a transfer, I say the team should ask him to turn out for the reserves.

  • Gooner Gal

    Nope, I am guessing my connection is playing up then!

  • Gerry Lennon

    John … This article was not about RVP. If you were looking to vent your ill-judged spleen, then feel free to go to a site tha is discussing it.
    Nobody on this site appreciates people wishing player injury.
    You obviously only reading what you want to from the various media outlets. Try being selective and see through most of the lies they peddle.
    Finally, just wait for this issueto be resovled … Robin may still be with us come August, so go and have a cool shower before you write again … it may be one of your players that you are wishing to get an injury.

  • Gooner Gal

    @ Rusty, that was what I was saying, but comment is not showing up for some reason. If he refuses to go to Asia and face the fans then he should be asked to play tomorrow. He is going to end up looking like a fool before all is said and done. He will end his career with a massive stain on it.

    Also I have heard great things about the Swedish kid Olsson.

  • Gooner Gal

    @ Sir Toby, Matt Clarke & the golden olden (you know who you are) – I apologise.

    I hope that I will be the only dissenter and I suggest all others are shot on sight.

    I have a very hard time disengaging my brain.

  • Matt Clarke

    Goona Gal
    Gooner Gal?

    I’m confused.

    Anyway – no apology necessary (to me).

  • Goona Gal

    Whoops- well spotted!!!

  • Adam

    Great read, Is Borehamwood still home to Big Brother?
    Also one of the worst surfaces I’ve ever played on.

  • Ong Bing

    Anybody know, why each year we played at Boreham at preseason?

  • Matt Clarke

    @Ong Bing:
    I bet someone here does.
    I guess it is because they are (relatively) local and Arsenal Ladies play there.
    …but maybe Arsenal Ladies play there becuase of a previous connection.

  • Goona Gal

    @ Ong Bing – I am not sure other than to help a smaller club stay afloat and help attract local talent to Borehamwood. It helps that Arsenal come to town once a year.

    Ramsey is played well for Team GB as did the keeper Butland.

  • RobL

    Didn’t we used to use their pitch for reserve fixtures?

  • bjtgooner

    @Goona Gal

    Agree with you about Ramsey & Butland. Ramsey made a difference in midfield – some of the others didn’t look too good.

  • Goona Gal

    @ Btjgooner – he showed the quick thinking creative spark in him. Imagine the difference he could make in midfield if he played with players on his wave length. It’s a real shame he’s not doing pre season with Arsenal, but taking the positives from the situation, he make come back to us confident, on fire and firing.

  • Goona Gal

    Seriously, getting bids from Man U must be like Bart Simpson prank calling Moe’s bar. Some one calls and says ‘this is Man U we would like to offer you 10….pounds’

    ring ring ‘hello this is Man U again (hic) we would like to offer you 15.’…well you get the drift, seriously anyone would think that they were broke!

  • Ong Bing

    Thanks for reply about Boreham. Appreciate it.

  • Mick

    I apologize for being off topic but can anyone confirm the excellent news that Stewart Robson has been relieved of his job at Arsenal as a result of the on line petition set up by The Short Fuse.

  • Stuart

    Good to hear it Mick.

    I also wrote a lengthy letter to the club, hope that played a part in it.

  • Mandy Dodd

    Heard stewart Robson could not stay on arsenal tv because he could not compromise his journalistic integrity. Gather he will soon be writing for le grove.

  • Arun

    Can anybody provide the link for the article mentioning the departure of Stewart Robson???

  • Mick

    Can’t find a specific link or article but it is mentioned on a couple of other Arsenal blogs and Danny Kelly apparently mentioned it on Talkshite. Fingers crossed it is true and the obnoxious turncoat is gone. Now he can concentrate all his energy to his lofty and important position as Rushden and Diamonds technical director.

  • I have asked Billy the Dog to tutor Sir Toby in the art of blogging as Billy is currently travelling to the Far East tour in his trimaran. Clearly Billy told Sir Toby that while articles on the Untold blog were in the draft box but not quite finished the word draft should be written in front of title.

    What Billy forgot to tell Sir Toby is that when the article is published the word “Draft” should be removed. doh!

    Meanwhile we play Boreham Stiff each year as part of the rent of their ground for the Ladies team playing there, just as the deal was done with Barnet for a friendly when we played all our reserve games there.

    Incidentally I thought Barnet were being forced out of their ground this year. did that happen? Or did they reach a compromise with the landlords?

  • Goona Gal

    @ Tony – My thoughts exactly. Is Billy the Dog going to Korea?

    The last I heard Barnet were still leaving and were considering changing borough’s because of issues with the council.

  • Ong Bing

    Thanks Tony, for information about Boreham and Barnet.

  • Goona Gal

    Whoah – Looks like Tommy V has been given the captaincy! Well for Asia at least. Is Arteta vice then? Maybe this is Walter’s putting in a good word or something.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Raw codswallop,nuttiness and a dash of tripe – just as I love it served !
    But I take umbrage Sir Toby as thou dost disservice to the lovely ibuprofen by associating them with that lot from down the road .Seven Sisters Baby Sitters ? Sounds like a really bad black sexploitation movie from the seventies !Was it any good ?
    I must confess that there were many a time that I did seek comfort and release from them .They gave me solace from all manner of aches , pains ,heartbreaks ,headaches ,malaise ,letargy and the general feelings of hopelessness ,doom and gloom of reality .
    Wait a minute …. I think I just described the lot of an average Spud fan !!
    Many apologies Sir .Toby ,my mistake !Bravo ! Well done sir !
    Take a bow !

  • Goona Gal

    From the sounds of it Borehamwood gave Arsenal a game. The Arsenal young lads must of gulped when they saw tall, well filled out rugby type guys warming up. Hopefully there aren’t any seriously damaged limbs after the physical win though. Not bad from Terry Burton’s side, considering Zola’s Watford only managed a draw there a few days ago.

  • WalterBroeckx

    Yes and this young Swedish guy Kris Olsson has made a superb goal according the text I saw. He looks a decent young player in the making. I think only 16 years old now?

  • Goona Gal

    When I looked at the pictures on the official website with the pics of a greyed out RVP & Theo and then Giroud & Alex OC jogging next to each other – I thought is the moment we say the ‘the kings are dead……long live the kings’?