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August 2021

Us vs The Other Lot. Billy The Dog takes a good look

By Billy

Neither of our regular pre-match correspondents has delivered the news of the day, and Tony is going dancing tonight in some far-off town (he’s just an old jiver at heart and apparently they have clubs around where you can throw women across the room and not get arrested or something), so I am under instruction to write a word or five concerning the forthcoming event.

As usual I met with my old pal Dennis Bergkamp at the Abide-A-While Allotments just outside Enfield and he gave me the run down on this one.

Seems we are playing in red and white, while the other lot aren’t.

The team will, or won’t be


Jenkinson Mertersacker Vermaelen Gibbs

Arteta Ramsey


Chamberlain Giroud Podolski

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The thinking here is that because Abou got a knock or a kick or a whatnot he won’t be risked but will play on Tuesday in the Champs League so Ramsey having played for Whales (why do mammals of the sea play football?) gets a kick about.

Now, me, I wouldn’t do that, and Dennis, digging his potatoes and carrots agreed likewise, as we split a beer or five.   We would play Chamberlain next to Arteta and play Bob Dylan’s new album on the way to the ground.  Hang on, sentence interruptive mode there.  What I meant was, play Gervinho out on the wing.  But there again, what does Untold really know about anything? (Don’t answer that).

I mean Tony said that Sanchez Watt had missed his chance, and others are putting him in the first team on the bench ahead of Chamakh as a striker.  So where are we now?  Out on the far reaches of the western spiral arm of a galaxy named after a chocolate bar.

Then there is the issue of Koscielny The Great.  Injured in the Battle of Little Wapping or somewhere he is back, fit, and people are saying, no, the team that has let in zero will play.  Well no, I would say he was the best player last season, a player of stupendous and overwhelming centre back ability, and he should play.  But seems I am wrong.

So to the bench.  Contrary to popular belief it is not made of wood.  Tony asserts this ever since he sat on it while taking part of the five aside tournament on behalf of Benelux.  But be that as it may or not, the bench is

Mannone, Djourou, Yennaris, Coquelin, Koscielny, Squillaci, André Santos, Walcott, Gervinho, Watt, Arshavin, Chamakh

Now then this Walcott fella he has a virus.  Or maybe two.  In which case he has two virii.  (My new word for the week).  So he might not sit down.

I don’t think Squillaci will be there – otherwise, yes take your pick.  Under the new regulations we are allowed 253 substitutes for each game and goalkeepers can take three weeks to place the ball before a goal kick.

As for Southampton they were promoted from the Conference South last season, and play in a small town on the Isle of Wight (which is pronounced Dover).  The Isle of Wight is a self-governing republic ruled by King Le Tissier who once travelled across the sea from the Channel Islands and conquered the land previously occupied by the Saxons (the Vikings not having discovered compasses at the time.)

The Isle of Wight has no grey squirrels.

Southampton have gone into administration having been managed by Mr Arry.  Strangely Portsmouth have gone into administration having been managed by Mr Arry.  Strangely West Ham have gone into administration having been managed by Mr Arry.  Strangely Bournemouth and Boscombe Athletic have gone into Administration having been managed by Mr Arry.

So it goes.

Southampton are a jolly good club for whom Shearer once scored a hatrick against us on his first match, and I was there.  Paul Davis scored and we lost 4-2.  So now you know.  I think they are doomed.

Anyway the allotment is coming on nicely and Dennis sends his best.

The club that changed football

Making the Arsenal


29 comments to Us vs The Other Lot. Billy The Dog takes a good look

  • Xavier

    This was a great preview! You should do these articles more often.

  • AC Gooner

    Hilarious post.

    Loved it.

    Dont know what drugs you were using to enhance your perception, but they worked!

  • Dec

    Glad to hear Dennis is alive and well. Don’t suppose he ever brings his boots with him? A REAL Arsenal legend!!!

  • Alan

    I’d like to see Coquelin start tomorrow in the DM role, giving Arteta a chance of getting forward. Arteta is better going forward than Ramsey and I feel its time the Coq got the chance to show what he can do.

  • Ugandan Goon

    @ Billy,
    Has Dennis said he has the “feeling” this might be our season, i like messers Gazidis and Wenger feel this season might just be special.
    Have you discussed feelings?

  • dats

    My tomatoes have got blight. Have yours?

  • Adam

    @Dats try Dithane although that maybe banned and replaced by Bayer 79709854. But be careful as Bayer have a history of making some seriously toxic substances.
    Amazing how the grey squirrel can make it acroos the Atlantic but couldn’t find the ferry over to the Isle of white?

  • Arkadiy

    He he, that’s quite funny. Nice one! 2 – 0 to us tomorrow…

  • robl

    @ Dats, same here and the runners were decimated by slugs. However the corguettes are amazing. Perhaps the Grey squirrels perferred larger gene pool?

  • nicky

    Hilarious. Let’s have more of the same instead of too much of the serious stuff.
    My Gran (who cleans at the Emirates) often says “We learn something new every day”. This is so true. I always though Dennis was home in Holland with his finger firmly in the proverbial dyke in order to prevent his homeland sinking comme les clubs d’Arry. And all this time he was “Digging for Victory” in dear old Enfield (where my old mate Lee made his rifles).

  • Dennis sends his greetings, and yes indeed he does say this is our season. He thinks the team is much more resilient than recently.

    Also as others have suggested, the referees and the PGMOL are “aware” of the referee reviews Walter and his team does, and each week the PGMOL are “braced” for more revelations and are “on alert” whenever we post something new.

    I told him he should stop talking like a journalist, then remembered he was Billy’s friend, so apologised and bought him another pint.

  • Goona Gal

    Ahh Billy my ol’woofer, I am glad your back from Asia alive and well. You say you ran into Dennis that name rings a bell!

    Today I wouldn’t mind seeing Mannone carry on in goal as I think he’s earned it and I would rather Chesney had a bit longer to recover for our forthcoming CL match. As for the others, I am not sure who has returned to headquarters walking but wounded or just knackered. I would go with Arteta in midfield, possibly Ramsey and another, haha. If ever Coquelin was going to get a chance, it would be in games like this one. I am not one of his biggest fans but this kind of home game should be very doable.

    Or then again do we look to build up familiarity and understanding amongst our players whom we expect to start in the CL game? Is it too early in the season to make lot’s of changes? With so many unknowns, I could really over think this starting line up….so I will just leave it to Arsene, roll on 3pm…

  • Goona Gal

    @ BtD – Oh yeah, since there was no copyright symbol next to it, I plan to borrow this from you ‘So to the bench, contrary to popular belief it is not made of wood’. Nice

  • Ong Bing

    Damn, only 4″ and MU already gets penalty. And missed!
    God bless Wigan!

  • Ong Bing

    1-0 for Arsenal, own goal.

    What is the stat about game in Saturday 15:00?
    We never lose it?

  • Ong Bing

    Stoke lead 1-0.
    City defense not as good as last season.

  • Ong Bing

    Wow, Poldi strikes a wonderful free kick, 2-0!

    When last time Robin score from free kick?

  • Ong Bing

    Holly Sh*t! Gerv makes it 3-0.
    Hey this is still 35″

  • Ong Bing

    4-0, another own goal.

    I think we miss Robin very much!

  • Ong Bing

    Oh no, we concede the first goal of this season!

  • Shard

    Ong Bing,

    Who’s the referee at ManU? I just saw half time highlights and that was an incredibly terrible decision. Not that it’s surprising.

  • Ong Bing

    @Shard, I don’t know who is the referee. I am not much remembered the ref.

    BTW, MU now 3-0 up. Damn!

  • Ong Bing

    @Shard, I look at, it said referee at MU vs Wigan is Michael Oliver, I think I never heard his name.

  • Ong Bing

    End at 6-1.

    Not bad, for the club that lost his league top score.

    One thing not good in this game, our No. 1 playing bad.

  • Shard

    Ong Bing,

    Thank you for the information.. And I agree with you about Szczesny.

    I just saw the league table. We’re third. 1 behind ManU, and 2 behind Chelsea. Not bad.. Let’s keep at it. We can win the league this year.

  • Asif

    Too hell with ESPN and STAR…the bastards didn’t telecast our game but had Manure’s and Chelski’s game…its a hard life for an Indian Gunner!!! Nevertheless, we won…I had two hunches and both of them came true…If Arsenal were to concede it would be only through a goalkeeping error and Gerbvinho would score (and he scored twice) – both of them came true!

    La Viva Arsenal…

  • Ong Bing

    @Asif, I am in Indonesia.

    If our game same time game with MU and Chelski, Indonesian TV will show MU or Chelski, like today, they show MU.

    If this happen, I hear it live from Bet365 and read text from Yahoo Eurosport.

  • Asif

    @One Bing – thank you! Will surely try these tips the next time this happens…

  • Ong Bing

    A few time ago Damien suggest me to use firstrow, but I found too much problem, so I back with listening at Bet365.

    In Bet365, we can watch more games outside premier league.