THE OFFICIAL ARSENAL TRANSFER DELUSION
I’m getting very bored over this January transfer window and have decided that a laconic, barely legible piece about a rumour I fear is circulating in the Albania media, would be appropriate for this festive season. So here goes.
It is understood by the Albanian terrorists, from sources closely linked to Hairy Redknapper’s dog, that Arsenal’s chief lackey and dishwasher Manuel Allmoony was seen in Barcelona watching Real Zaragoza’s junior scout Assinine Itzashame who was showing an ill-disguised and distressing interest in Lionel Messi and Xavi Alonso, among a half-dozen other Braca players.
Apparently, unconfirmed and totally unreliable sources have linked Arsene Wenger with a bold, desperate and dashing move to bring both players to the Emirates in exchange for Squillaci and Arshavin, plus an undisclosed, unverifiable, really astronomical sum of 400 million Euros.
The Mail desperately wants to believe that the above entirely fictitious and flatulent fabulations are marginally possible and that Wenger, whose 7.72333549889 trophyless years has firmly entrenched his fading reputation in permanent crisis mode, is eager to transfer anyone over 7 years old and with at least one working limb, and limited experience in cleaning EPL washrooms, in the January transfer window.
It is also reported by unknown and unverified sources that Ivan Gazidis will have a sex-change operation in order to further Arsene Wenger’s master plan to tap up and poach the entire Barcelona first team as a means to ensure his rarely mentioned and oft-ignored 7-8 year trophyless streak comes to a vainglorious end.
The Guardian erroneously but insistently reports that Usmanov and Dein will be married at Whitechapel this coming forthnight or thereabouts, thereby making official that which was common knowledge and will ask Sir Alex Ferguson to be the best man, considering that he owns the EPL and the PGMOL.
But if false rumours are to be believed, the bridesmaid will be Mike Riley (in drag) since SAF is currently indisposed with an extra-limpid red nose and Riley looks good in pink. Meanwhile Wenger is touted to be ready to step up his efforts to snatch Cesc Fabregas back from the evil clutches of the Barcaloonies with an outlandishly frugal bid, reported to be in the thousands of Spanish Dubloonies ( supposedly the new IRA currency).
The Club has been linked by the scurrilous yellow media with the usual suspects during the silly season and strong, malodorous reports emanating from Hairy Kidnappers outhouse suggest that we are in for the entire QPR, Tiny Totts and Dagenham United reserve teams as Wenger looks to bolster his chances of ruining the Arsenal, before the AAA and Usmanov can. He has been put on alert by the London Metropolitan police that Nicholas Bendtner, currently floundering in the Juventus summer house with his flashy green shorts around his ankles, will be traded to Dagenham United for some North Yorkshire pudding and a cartload of fish and chips from Finland, courtesy of Karl Jenkinson’s aunt.
Apparently Plimsol United of the Alcoholics Anonymous league (not to be confused with another website) are eager to hold talks with the cleaning lady at the Emirates over a possible loan deal involving Wenger’s daughter and wife, as well as Arshavin, Squillaci, Fabianski, Dein the younger and UA’s own Tony Attwood on a long-term deal worth 5 Kuwaiti dinar, 2 bottles of shaving cream and a rabid dog. Reported talks are going a la Walcott but PSG has indicated that they may hijack any discussions about the dog, since they are planning to have a Bar-B-Que for Ibrahimovich’s 55th birthday in the not-too distant future.
In more distressing news, the French nation has reported that Arsenal target and International porn star Fifi LePoo is set to sign for crosstown rivals Teatingham for a reported 345 million baguettes. We have been linked with this creature from the founding of the AAA back in 1904 with Wenger expressing outrage and general indifference to the clearly spurious rumours emanating from France.
Ill-considered reports are suggesting that Wenger’s Gallic mood swings will lead to a January 2022 bid for the unsettled dilettante in a blind and almost ambitiously ambiguous move to beat his crosstown rivals to the prize. The AAA have been quoted by the British press as being totally disinterested, giving considerable credence to this fortituous and fervently ignored rumour.
Well, that’s all the news that is unworthy of the UA website and totally unfit to print, or in this case unfit to cyberprint but stay tuned (or whatever one does on the net) for future breaking-wind rumours, idle gossip, unfounded speculation and misdirection during,before and after the transfer windows. Now if only we could win a few!!
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