The seven signings that Arsenal will make today

Posted on by Tony Attwood

By Billy The Dog McGraw

1:  Well, children, first up today is that awfully nice Asmir Begovic who is a Bosnian and who plays for Stoke.  Now that ought to rule out anyone signing for Arsenal, but apparently no – although the price tag of £15m suggests that it is the price that could put everyone off.

So we can probably let Chelsea saunter after him, although it seems saunter is all they will do because they are not been put on alert, and are not chasing.  Maybe running in the opposite direction.

2: But fear not, the red alert is not far away, because a “string of Premier League sides have been placed on red alert after Ajax star Christian Eriksen“.  He has said that its 50/50 whether he leaves or not, which isn’t really red alert country.

He’s a playmaker, he’s 21, he has “most coveted” status (which I suppose is above red alert).  Manchester United, Tottenham, Arsenal and Barcelona want him, so that’s one limb each I guess.

Interestingly, Eriksen is out of contract next year and he has refused to extend his current deal at Ajax, meaning any transfer fee has to be sought now.  “It’s now or never” as Elvis said, when he was on red alert after too many burgers.

3: Kill The Foreigners (also known as the Daily Mail) says that we are actually lowering out sights a little, and going after a striker from Dulwich Hamlet.  (I saw them play once at Wood Green Town – the only football club ever to have had a ground in White Hart Lane).  He’s 18, his name is Daniel Carr. Carr, he’s a  prodigal talent.

Liverpool have had him on trial (for hub cap theft I suppose).

4.  Now you can’t really have a red alert with a non-league schoolboy so its back to the  Chilean winger Alexis Sanchez who plays for Barcelona.  And he gets the prize for a new phrase.  He is going to “draw the curtain over his Barcelona career”.  He’s 24, Mr Wenger likes him, and Barcelona want to “offload him”.  He’s a winger.  Inter Milan have already opened discussions regarding a summer transfer, but when did that stop anyone suggesting that Arsenal want him too.

The only problem is that we know a lot about offloads from Barcelona, since we’ve sold some of them.  Alex Hleb anyone?

5/6: But Barce, now heading for bankruptcy, are trying to ditch everyone under the sun, it seems.  Martin Montoya (a replacement for Sagna), Alexis Sanchez and Alex Song to be specific.

Alex Song, voted the worst buy of last summer by watchers of the Spanish League, is not likely to come back.  I mean, really!

And here’s a laugh – the player who has failed so miserably in Spain is quoted on one site today as having “only left to look for success”.   Ahhh.  “And considering we have failed to fill the void which he left, it could be a good idea to bring him back.”  Yes, I kid you not.   This is Alex Song who on signing for us initially was considered by lots of blogs as “not fit to wear the shirt”.  Now they want him back.
7:  Now let’s up the pay scale and think of £60 million to get Napoli striker Edinson Cavani from Uruguay.  He has scored 27 goals this season, which is fairly good.  Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis says the player won’t be leaving the club unless people start spelling his surname properly.
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Just so you can make sense of how our new team is going to look in the future, here’s who we have signed so far this week:
  • Cech (everyone said this was on yesterday, today they all say it is rubbish circulated by stupid blogs that know nuffink.)
  • Victor Wanyama
  • Felipe Santana
  • Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang
  • The mystery man.
  • The invisible man
  • Vorm
  • Stevan Jovetic Asmir Begovic
  • Abdisalam Ibrahim

Here’s monday’s list

  • Isco (Francisco Román Alarcón Suárez )
  • Valdes the Barcelona goalkeeper
  • N’Koulou from Marseille
  • Vorm, the Swansea goalkeeper
  • Martin Skrtel from Liverpool
  • David Villa from Barcelona
Just remember, its only a fairy story. You are not meant to believe it.

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22 Replies to “The seven signings that Arsenal will make today”

  1. “The Guardian: Wojciech Szcesny father questions decision to drop Arsenal Keeper.” Guardian, seriously! and did you find out what his grandfather and grandmother had to say?

  2. Forgot to add my apologies for deliberately being off-topic but could not resist sharing this.

  3. Also off topic: You should have heard the father of TV swearing in his best local Antwerp dialect after his son being left out. Not for publication. Not that we are that easily bothered by strong swearwords in Antwerp. But after using some swear words in an article I almost got kicked in the Untold basement a few years ago. You won’t see me doing it again. ;-

    I wonder when the Daily Fail or any other newspaper picks this up and spreads this story.

  4. On topic: WE NEED MORE!!!!! And offload the deadwood of course.
    All of them

  5. There are rumours on Greek newspapers that Rosicky’s agent is talking to Olympiacos….it would be a shame to lose Rosicky, he is one of my fab players in the Arsenal squad

  6. This is just my personal punt for the summer, covering where we seem to be short:
    Begovic
    Sakho
    Capoue
    Jovetic

    I haven’t chosen any ‘arm n a leg’ priced players, and I’ll see how hopeless my guess is in august.
    ….and I would always take Cesc back!

  7. Guys stop dreaming I dont think anyone will be bought. I for one would like to see our players from the academy being promted to the first team . Even if it means no trophies again. My wish is to have at least seven players who been home grown making up the first team.

  8. @Norm, Sakho’s an interesting one but will cost a fortune this summer although his contract runs out summer 2014. I think too many clubs would be in for him this summer. The only way I can see us getting him, is if he made it clear to PSG that he would be joining us on a free in 2014/15 season, so for them to earn a fee, they would have to sell this summer.

    As for Jovetic, we may well be looking at Adam Ljajic who would be much more affordable.

    Anyway gotta love a guessing game.

    There was even chatter about Vela coming back as “scouts were watching him” but again maybe we are looking at Antoine Griezmann, but who knows?

    Arsene does.

  9. @artillaryman
    ‘My wish is to have at least seven players who been home grown making up the first team.’

    A man after my own heart, my wish as well and I suspect Arsene’s. Wouldn’t it be great to see all those anti’s having to eat their words.

  10. About the academy: am looking at it on a stream. The U21 against MU. 1-1 at half time.
    Arsenal the better team but not many chances. 0-1 nice shot 1-1 a few minutes later when Arsenal get a penalty. Henderson scored it.

  12. @ Billy – was the last bit ‘just remember it’s only a fairy story’ for the benefit of Oliver Kay and the Times newspaper?

  14. What a goal from Bellerin to make it 2-1 in the last minute of the game. What a player he can become. When Sagna leaves we will have a 18 year old RB with attacking skill and potential. I love the boy

  15. oh bad losers the Utd kids. Clapping the ref like the big boy Rio.
    By the way Bellerin can be a hard boy also…

  16. Billy , your mention of the mystery man intrigues me .Could it be one of the following ?
    Ooo Eee ? Whoo Dunnit ? Grey Hayrea ? Konu N’drum ? Ettza Puzzle ? Enny G’maa ? Geass Weerk ?
    Any way they sound like the type of players AW like to sign –
    those with unpronounceable and exotic names ! I kid you not !
    Don’t keep us guessing !

  17. This post has been cut in one part as it breaks our posting regulations. Sorry

    villa
    adrian
    falcao
    jordy clasie
    lewandolski
    munian
    should also be on the list..

  18. Wilson
    Rice
    McNab
    Storey
    Simpson
    McClintock
    Graham
    Armstrong
    Radford
    Kennedy
    George
    should be on the list

  20. Buy Lionel Messi and C.Ronaldo and all mouth will be shut. Wait, seems I am dreaming.

  21. Found this interesting-

    The workings of the Daily Blurb sports section

    Ed-“Right lads need a article on Arsenal today”

    Jurno 1 “Ok boss”

    Jurno 2 “but there is nothing new about Arsenal”

    Jurno 1 “that’s no problems, fire up the bingo machine and load the fantasy football program”

    Jurno 2 “what’s happening”

    Jurno 1 “it’s Arsenal bingo time pick a position”

    Jurno 2 “err goalkeeper ”

    Jurno 1 “first ball out number 6”

    Jurno 3 “that’s Cech gove”

    Jurno 1 “balls number 8, 2 & 6”

    Jurno 3 “bergovic, Rehina & Howard”

    Jurno 1 “there you go 4 goalkeepers linked with Arsenal, 1000 words by 10am. Now get on with it”

    THE DAILY BLURB
    Arsenal linked with 4 goalkeepers after Wenger drops Szezney. After disappointing displays this season Wenger is looking to……..

  22. Although these stories are often pure tosh (did I use that right?), they’re usually based on expectations of casual followers of the game (i.e. pundits). As such, interesting the rumors that Barca would be giving up on Villa and/or Sanchez after this season. It seems they still can’t settle on an attacking combination to support Messi, a search that’s been going on since before they bought Ibra… http://www.zonalmarking.net/2013/02/27/barcelona-1-3-real-madrid-real-comfortable-defensively-and-ruthless-on-the-break/

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