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July 2021

London’s Mayor, Boris Johnson, surveys the transfer rumours and adds fish

By Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson on the Andrew Marr show

Today’s guest writer.

Editor’s note…

I am delighted to have The Mayor of  London, writing our review of transfer rumours, because who could be more suited for the job?  Mr Johnson has admitted that made up a quote which was then published in the Times (where else?), lied to the leader of the Conservative Party about an extra-marital affair he was having, and supplied the name and address of a journalist to a pal, after the pal said he wanted the journalist to suffer a number of broken ribs.

Who better then to write about the wholly fictitious world of transfers than our Mayor, Mr Johnson.  Boris, it is all yours…

Seems I made a bit of a boo-boo over the old interview technique, and my spin docs have told me to be more ironic.  So, gee, well, here goes…

1:  Diego Costa.

It was only two days ago that there was talk (or in the case of the Daily Telegraph, pictures, since their readers are not very good on words, so I doubt they can catch me with my trousers down… oh bugger) of David Villa.  Now all the blogs are exclusively announcing that Diego Costa from Atletico Madrid who is a 25 year old Brazilian is coming to the Ems.  But there’s a word of warning – he won’t score 30 in a season.  But I can – in fact I did at least that last year.  [That’s a different type of score Boris – Editor] All right…   Three broken fingers if you don’t come Diego!

2:  Stevan Jovetic

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He’s not coming either as it will cost £25.5m to “land” him, (“land” is the new buzz word in footy I’m told), because silly Arsenal are only offering £19.6m.  Now this is an interesting ploy, very reminiscent of my work as Mayor of London.  Make up a rumour, then make up another made up story which says why the rumour isn’t going to happen, and finally put all the blame on someone else (in this case Arsenal), for not offering enough money, while ignoring the fact that both the stories are quite untrue, and offer to beat up anyone who says otherwise.

3:  Kevin Strootman and the open door

Sky Sports – never an organisation to let fantasy get in the way of a story (that’s my kind of firm) are running this name, and introducing a new phrase this week as in “Kevin Strootman has opened the door”.  Actually Mrs Boris has opened the door of my house, and put the boot up the derrière so I’m writing this in the Down and Out Fry Up in Kentish Town and verily do I feel like part of the fun already.  £17m is required, and according to the SS, those who are seriously interested will not be put off by the fee.   So, there we are, Arsenal set up once again because, “Arsenal need a solid unit in the centre of the park that has the ability to play the kind of football that boss Arsene Wenger is looking for and Strootman is certainly a player that would make a real impact at the Emirates.”

“Solid unit in the centre of the park” is  “central defender” in English – Ed.

4:  The New Jack Wilshere

“Dubbed” is a good word.  It means, I made this up, but by saying “dubbed” I can suggest someone else is larking about, rather than me for a change, and yes ok I did make up a story for the Times, but everyone does it, so why do they pick on me? [Back to the football please Boris – Ed]  In the last three seasons of Dennis Bergkamp at Arsenal something like 233 players were dubbed the “New Dennis Bergkamp”.  So he were are: “Arsenal are lining up a summer swoop for Aston Villa starlet Danny Crowley, who has been dubbed the ‘new Jack Wilshere’.”   He’s… wait for it… 15.   Crowley (no relation to my old chum Alistair) to Arsenal – that’s the Daily Mirror’s take.  But you can’t believe anything written in the papers, because well, I make most of it up.

5:  Stevan Jovetic

How about this: “Arsenal have reportedly just had the door opened in the pursuit of Fiorentina man Stevan Jovetic”.  That gets “reportedly” and an opening door, all in one sentence.  Five stars for that.

There’s more as he is “rated as one of the very best in Europe” and yes, Arsenal “have been heavily linked with him”, and oh my god it gets better, we are “reportedly” “lining up” a bid of “£25 million”.  (Could I have some of that, as I think the Party is going to eject me).

So where did all this come from?  Well, the Daily Star, national paper of record, scribbled that Jovetic said: “It sure is nice when you are interesting big clubs like Arsenal and Manchester City.”    Actually, do you think UKIP will have me now that I’ve been outed as a liar, a cheat, and a man of zero morality when it comes to beating up journalists? [Stop winging Boris]

6/7:  Younes Belhanda and Henri Bedimo

We’re back with the SS who quote Montpellier president Louis Nicollin as saying these two guys can leave.   And Arsenal have been “linked” with them.  So a done deal.

Belhanda is a Moroccan “playmaker” [isn’t that a midfielder who can pass? – Ed] and Bedimo is a left back.  West Stratford have been after him.  And John Utaka now at Montpellier previously at Portsmouth.  Now that deal that I did to give West Ham the Olympic Stadium was a good-‘un as you cockney fellas say.  Wasn’t it? I mean I virtually gave it to them.  Now, where’s that brown envelope?

8: Diego Costa
Diego Costa is even now packing his bags because he’s “on Arsene Wenger’s radar”.  “Arsenal scouts” (who exactly?) spotted him “when they were ironically tracking his team-mate Adrian Lopez”.
Now this I like, very much.  The ironical track.  Arsenal’s scouting team are all be told they must not go looking for talent, they must ironically go looking for talent.
This is how it works.  Arsenal’s men go to watch Diego, and think he’s rubbish, so offer £2.50 for him.  But at that moment the Euro collapses and Spain goes into liquidation, so A Madrid accept the offer, and Diego turns out to be brilliant.   There you are: an ironic transfer.  All this stuff about me lying.  I was just being ironical with the truth.
In fact my little boo-boos in lying to my party leader, setting up a journalist for a good seeing-to and making up a quote in the Times were all done with a sense of irony and I can’t understand why no one can see this today.

9/10:  Christopher Samba and Loic Remy

If QPR descend the deep ladder of darkness into the Championship Arsenal “are planning” to buy both for £18m plus a brown envelope.  Say no more.  Arry Redknapp and me are great chums.

The point is, that when the market closes at the end of August, Arsenal will have not bought many if any of the transfer targets nominated through the blogs and newspapers.  Of course no self-respsecting journalist or blogger will ever say, “we published a list of 145 men who would be coming to Arsenal in the spring and summer, but we got it wrong in every instance.”   Not unless they were so full of irony they couldn’t think straight. I wouldn’t do that.
And I mean that literally – no irony in sight.    All the world’s a stage.  (That’s a metaphor – Ed).  I can speak Ancient Greek you know.

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5 comments to London’s Mayor, Boris Johnson, surveys the transfer rumours and adds fish

  • Andy Kelly

    What we really want to know, Boris, is: do you want to be manager of Arsenal?

  • nicky

    I’d like to know how long each day his personal hairdresser takes to arrange his hair in that ridiculous state.

  • Elvis

    Hahaha… :’D

  • finsbury

    I second the motion from Nicky above.

    Looks like Hangaland is back on the menu too. It’s been a while, but the old flames burn the brightest. So they tell me.
    Says here:
    “The Norwegian International has long been touted to make a step up to possibly even as high as Champions League football with his aerial presence and dominant tackling.” Er,
    “It appears that Arsenal would be the most prominent option within England as Wenger is known to have any eye for a bargain.” Blimey, he looks like just what AFC need right now, eh? Maybe his agent is hoping that Fulham offer him a new deal? Never!

  • WalterBroeckx

    Let me throw in another name (no picture I’m afraid) Matej Vydra.