Purchasing newspapers is an inhumane act and should immediately be made illegal.

A Doctor writes….

The other morning I had a letter from a concerned member of the public (I won’t name him, not naming one’s sources seems to be somewhat in vogue at the moment…). I’ll call him WB. Anyway he asked me:

“I really cannot understand why some people need to be unhappy all the time. Fair enough if they want to be unhappy. But why would you want to spread your unhappiness?”

Apparently he sees a lot of this sort of unhappiness on a regular basis and especially at this time of the year when we are experiencing what we psychoanalysts call SAAAD (or seasonally affected anti-Arsenal disorder). The symptoms are quite easy to spot; sufferers will see negatives in any given situation, will constantly make the same ill-informed comments, and feel compelled to declare that they could do better.

Many will presage their comments with statements such as ‘Arsenal fan since 1994’ or similar pointless or irrelevant date related facts.

I think the first thing we should all realize WB, is that these people should have our sympathy; it must be terrible to try and exist everyday with one’s heads firmly positioned up one’s backside – in this heat! Secondly as Freud and Jung* have taught us they need an outlet for their twisted logic – its good to talk. So please, be tolerant and offer a hand to people in need.

However, there are steps you can take if you, or someone close to you is affected by SAAAD.

First it is vital that they try to limit their use of social media as much as possible. In tests I have conducted here at the University of  Certain Things, patients who logged in to twitter ‘every five minutes in the hope we’ve signed Messi’, were more likely to suffer severe bursts of depression, anger and delusion than those that ‘read a good book’,  ‘put their feet up’ or ‘kicked the cat.’

Secondly remove all newspapers from the house; the print media is a major cause of mental illness because the paper it is written on is infused with what is now being identified by scientists as ALOOB** which causes people to actually believe what the writers are saying and encourages the belief that split infinitives are acceptable in English writing.

It is now well established that journalists are themselves suffering from an advanced and particularly virulent strain of SAAAD and need our help. Don’t feed the habit; keep the negative influence of ‘news’ papers from your loved ones.  Furthermore, since every purchase of a newspaper encourages journalists in their awful habit, it is our moral duty not to buy newspapers.   Instead join CAPARON.***  I hope I’ve made that quite clear.

So WB, I hope I’ve helped, if you or your readers have any other questions for my colleagues or me I’d be happy to help. And remember, at this time of the year it is vital to stay calm, and trust in Arsene.

‘A Dr’ PhD, RsVP, ATiD, NLiR

Institute of SAAAD studies

University of Arsene

Holloway Road

London N5 5TOO

*that famous pair of overlapping wing halves from the great Vienna side of the early 1930s.

** or A Load of Old B*****ks

*** CAPARON.  The Campaign Against Purchasing And Reading of Newspapers

19 July Anniversaries

The books…

19 Replies to “Purchasing newspapers is an inhumane act and should immediately be made illegal.”

  1. LOL for SAAAD thing because it is fun
    NO for Thrust in Arsene thing because he lied before

  2. As the say, Doc , Laughter is the best medicine ,and whenever I post something funny (at least it sounds funny to me !),it always seem to upset the AAA ( who many claim don’t exist but still are propagating in alarming numbers !). Not that I care shit !
    In an earlier post had diagnosed their discomfort as being due to Proctalgia fugax .Do read the following links and give me your opinions .



    or do the full Monty by probing the lot !


  3. Guys / Gals,
    On the subject of transfers, everyones favourite subject I know, would you consider the major lack of activity overall so far as something to do with FFP? Do you think other clubs are being hesitant because they need to cover any outlay hence there is a very long buying chain (much like the UK housing market)? Further to this, could it be possible that Arsenal are playing this to our advantage as we are one of very few clubs outside of Germany who are able to buy a player without first selling others in order to balance the books?

    It does make sense that is no one can agree to sell a player, then they maybe cant really agree to purchase another in a vicious circle type way.

  4. I would normally forward e-mails to Walter that would be funny or inspirational .Of late I post in directly here so that like minded readers may enjoy them.
    Although this is a serious one , and with the above article in mind ,I found this to be quite hilarious .As I read it names( and their unique way of commenting) of certain AAA inclined posters came to mind . Try spotting them.
    You are what you eat – and what you don’t eat. Similarly, life depends on what you keep and what you don’t keep. There are many things in life that people may keep, but only a few are truly worth keeping. Here is a list of what to keep (and how) for a brighter, happier and more fulfilling life.

    1) Keep calm. Life can be unnerving and if you don’t make an effort to keep collected and focused, you could easily lose your cool. Take regular, conscious deep breaths to calm and center yourself.

    2) Keep your chin up. Not only is it good for your posture and diminishes your double chin, it also helps you maintain an “I can handle it” attitude. By keeping your chin up, you can keep your head above water.

    3) Keep your spirits high. Always maintain a positive and joyful attitude. Remember that no one can perk you up like yourself. Keep your spirits high when the going gets rough by focusing on your dreams and counting your blessings.

    4) Keep your word. The true measure of a man is if he keeps his word. Honorable and trustworthy is the man who stands by what he says and promises. It is important to think well before speaking because once a word is uttered and released into the universe, its vibrations could no longer be erased.

    5) Keep in time with your inner drummer. Don’t be swayed by others into following the confusing beat of their drums. Although it is sometimes necessary to adjust to the pace of others, it is best to keep in step with your personal rhythm and to dance to your own music.

    6) Keep in touch with the child in you. The source of creativity in your life is that little child within you. He questions, he marvels, he imagines and invents. Stay in touch with him, and be young and creative for life!

    7) Keep abreast of the times. The world is moving so fast. Know what’s happening, what’s in style, what’s au courant, what’s relevant, what’s important. Learn the hottest trends and the latest in technology. Don’t be caught in a time warp or you’ll be left behind.

    8) Keep in shape. Your shape shows your state of health. Your body is the vessel that you journey through life in. Keep it healthy and strong. Don’t be one of those people who say, “I’m in shape; round is a shape!”

    9) Keep your mouth shut. People talk too much. We language ourselves to our own destruction and defeat. Know when to talk and when to shut up. Avoid being too verbose. Oftentimes, silence speaks more eloquently than words.

    10) Keep good friends. Good friends are hard to find. Nurture friendships that make your plight through life easier, more wonderful and meaningful. Truly poor is the man who has no good friends.

    11) Keep great memories, not heavy objects. In the very end, good memories of life are what we will be left with, not jewels and riches that we can’t bring when we finally go. Live each moment beautifully. Linked together, these magical moments create a magnificent life.

    12) Keep a diary. Writing a journal is therapeutic. Record the important events in your life, your dreams and aspirations, even your failures and disappointments. When you trace back events in your life, you are bound to learn lessons from them as well as find great inspiration and strength.

    13) Keep saying grace and thanks. Blessed is he who says grace before he eats and gives thanks for all the gifts he receives daily. Maintain a thankful attitude and focus on your blessings instead of disappointments.

    14) Keep on moving forward. The universe moves forward in time. Don’t get stuck in yesterday; make an effort to move ahead to a better life. Drop those unnecessary pieces of material and emotional baggage that weigh you down and keep you from flying to your loftiest dreams.

    15) Keep out of danger. He who exposes himself to danger finds it. Don’t court danger; avoid it. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Look out for number one (that’s you!), and always stay safe and sound.

    16) Keep up the good work. Success is built upon success. The more you do, the more you achieve; the more you achieve, the better you get at doing it. Make success a habit by keeping up the good work.

    17) Keep young. Do everything in your power to stay strong, supple and youthful. Think young; feel young. A wise man once said “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” Remember that age is a number and that youth is an attitude.

    18) Keep on dancing. Life is a dance through space and time. Embellish whatever music life plays for you with your own fresh orchestration and creative choreography. Be excited in your heart and keep your feet light with happiness.

    19) Keep on loving. Love is the reason we were created. Love diminishes when hoarded but multiplies when shared. Give it and feel it overflow in your heart. Love cures all sadness, pain and sorrow. Lonely is he who does not give love away and therefore gets none in return.

    20) Keep on dreaming. Most men, even if they are young, are dead – that is, if they can no longer dream. Our dreams are what keep us young and alive; they give us that sparkle in our eyes. Our dreams keep us going even while everything around us says, “Stop.”

    21) Keep on hoping. Never lose hope. Tomorrow will be another day that will bring new hope and greater blessings. Keep faith in the abundance of the universe and the mystery and perfection of life. Hope for nothing but the best and that’s what you will be granted.
    22) Keep on believing. Belief is the mother of reality. What you believe becomes your truth. Believe in yourself, believe in the magic of the universe, believe in the power of your dreams. And most of all, believe you can do it, so you can have all your heart’s desires!

    These You Must Not Keep-
    1) Don’t keep up with the Joneses. Just because your neighbor bought a red Ferrari, you, too, must get one. Don’t join the bandwagon and keep away
    from the “herd mentality.” Too much unhappiness in this world is caused by comparisons – comparing yourself and trying to measure up to other
    people. There is really no need to live up to others’ expectations if it would just bring you inconvenience and misery.
    2) Don’t keep issues and grudges. The reason most of us stay miserable is because we keep issues, grudges, and problems. Detox yourself of complaints and issues that keep you from being the best that you could be. Try to solve all problems that beset you; never leave anything unresolved. The questions and puzzles of life are what make challenging and exciting.
    3) Don’t keep resentments and memories of painful experiences. Life is not a bed of roses so you must learn to let go of negative feelings and memories of painful experiences. It’s hard to go on living with a heavy heart. Pardon, forgive, forget if you can, and move on.

    PS: I don’t know the origins of this e-mail, but it’s definitely worth its weight in gold….

  5. Today’s word is…..Fluc tu ations

    (I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)

    I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady
    who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

    She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
    dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
    The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too”

  6. sounds like a terrible ailment…and catching for some! I know a few of these types, often ramble about Groundhog day, some are even so deluded, they misquote Einstein!
    Maybe there is some sort of AAA 12 steps treatment that may help them?

  7. This one is for the golden oldies to enjoy ,quotes from Casablanca that sound uncannily like criticism of the AAA and praise for their indomitable spirit of the AKBs.

    Urgate : ” You despise me ,don’t you ?”
    Rick Blaine :” If I gave you any thought I probably would.”
    (Sweet, and clean off the bat and over the boundary.)

    “…Who are you really, and what were you before? What did you do and what did you think, huh?” “…We said no questions.”

    “You know how you sound…? Like a man who’s trying to convince himself of something he doesn’t believe in his heart.”
    ( He he he.)

    “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine…”
    (Of all the Arsenal blogs ……)

    “Why did you have to come to Casablanca? There are other places.”
    (What’s that ? Talk Shite and The Grovel threw you out ?!!)

    “What in heaven’s name brought you to Casablanca?” “…My health, I came to Casablanca for the waters.” “The waters? What waters? We’re in the desert.” “…I was misinformed.”
    ( Non sequitur! )

    “What is your nationality?” “…I’m a drunkard.”
    (Also arseholes ,vermin and pests !)

    “And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of.
    (Get the f*ck off this site !)

    “Welcome back to the fight. This time I know our side will win.”
    (Oh yes we will !)

    “It’s still the same old story/ A fight for love and glory…”
    ( Oh yes it is !)

    “What if you killed all of us? From every corner of Europe, hundreds, thousands would rise up to take our places.
    (Don’t forget Asia ,Africa and the Americas ! Up the Gunners !)

    “Here’s looking at you, kid.”
    ( Come on the younglings !)

  8. An encore ? I thought you’d never ask !

    “I’m the only cause I’m interested in.”

    “Go ahead and shoot. You’ll be doing me a favor.”
    (Everyone ,”Yes ,yes ,yes !”)

    “Remember, this gun is pointed right at your heart.” “…That’s my least vulnerable spot.”
    (Shoot him in his brain(?),its up his ass !)

    “…If we stop breathing, we’ll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die.”
    ( Nah ,we ‘d be okay ,you just go on and drop dead, you losers!)

    You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.”
    ( All boarding Air Lucifer ! One way to Hades !)

    All quotes from –


  9. @BG. Great, great film BG thanks for the link. Surely no other film has as many unbeatable quotes as this one.

  10. I am seeing several reports we have agreed a £21 million fee for Spurs target Bernard from Atletico Mineiro.

  11. I was reading Walter’s piece about Gideon. I loved it. Then, there were good, enthusiastic comments about the piece – followed by ******* ****. OK, that’s normal, but I found myself writing stuff to these (undoubtedly AAA *****) – but not posting, particularly as many non-sick, real Arsenal supporters – eloquently provide feedback to the trolls, and thanks for that.

    This article is brilliant, thanks, and thanks also to Brickfield, who I’ve been meaning to thank, for his contributions.

    It has all stopped me telling the naysayers ‘**** Right Off’.


  12. @robl
    Maybe they are going to give us some Blackadder at halftime?
    Who from the Arsenal personnel would you suggest for starring roles?

  13. lolz @ in “wenger we thrust”. if it werent so vulgar a thought, it wud have been really funny

  14. Thanks for the kind comments guys .Its my ‘ an apple a day keeps you happy and gay ‘therapy .That didn’t sound all right ! Keep your spirits up in the close season .Be uplifted by the following tale .

    Cowboy Boots
    An elderly couple, James and Sarah, are “snowbirds” in Texas. James always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

    He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

    Sarah looks him over, “Nope.”

    Frustrated James storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely without clothes except for the boots.

    Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?”

    Sarah looks up and says, “What’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

    Furious, James yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down? It’s hanging down because it’d looking at my new Cowboy Boots!”

    To which Sarah replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, honey. Shoulda bought a hat.”

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