Untold Arsenal goes where nobody else goes to find out the truth on our transfers targets

By Walter Broeckx

And now for something completely different….

In the town I usually call my home town we have a big fair each year. The Pentecost fair it is called. Well we don’t call it like that because we use the Dutch name for it which is ‘Pinksteren’. And even then in the local dialect it is called “Sinksen’. Complicated? Yes, so is Belgium. It is one of the biggest fairs in Belgium and it is being held for 6 weeks.


Some hundred attractions like roller coasters, things that make you spin, turn upside down, shake you from left to right, take you up and down, a big wheel….. When I was younger I went there each year and when my children were little children  we used to go there. But now they are big and go by themselves with friends if they want to and me and my wife are not that young any more so usually we don’t go to it.


But this year was different and we went there. Not to sit on the attractions as this is not really possible any more for my wife but just to sniff up the atmosphere as we say it in my mother language. To see the neon lights flashing, to smell the food that is sold going from real fries (don’t dare to say French fries against fries in Belgium or you get angry looks), smoutebollen (you will not know it I think and there is no English name for it but is some dough fried in grease and then some flower sugar on it …delicious but not good for the cholesterol), and other things like waffles… I better stop it as I’m feeling my stomach wanting it.


But amidst all the flashing attractions I suddenly saw a little caravan. Just standing there. No flashing signs. Just a note on the door saying: Fortune teller – Clairvoyant Madame Soleil. And another note: do you want to know your future or the future of your beloved ones, then enter and receive the knowledge. Well it was written in Dutch of course. But I think you wouldn’t get the message then.


I said to my wife : now this is something I always have wanted to do. My wife said that she wasn’t interested in such things but if I wanted to enter I was free to do so. The last note on the door said: 10 Euro. I thought what can I lose apart from 10 euro? So I knocked on the door and a  voice said: Enter. I was a bit disappointed she didn’t say : Come in, Walter. After all she should have been clairvoyant that it would be me. Oh, probably forgot to put her glasses on just before I knocked I think.


I entered the caravan and it was very dark. And there she sat behind a small table: Madame Soleil. She held out her hand and I thought she wanted to shake my hand but it was the hand of : put your 10 euro over here. And so I gave her 10 euro. Pay in advance it was called.


She then asked: So what do you want to know? Do you want to know about your love life? Well I knew all about that without entering. After being married for almost 30 years I knew how my love life was and I think it will probably be the same for as long as we are together. So no thanks. Do you want to know about the future of your children she then asked and I found that rather clairvoyant. I don’t think it is written on my face that I have children so I thought: she is pretty good in this. But again suppose something bad happening to one of my children…I would rather not know it now as it would be a constant worry. Then what do you want to know of the future she asked. And I thought that I heard some sigh in her question. The sigh of oh no another one entering without really knowing what they want.


I then got the idea: Arsenal I said. What she said. Arsenal I said. Arsenal and incoming transfers. What are you talking about she asked. And I explained to her what Arsenal was and that the transfer window was going to open and that I wanted to know which players we would bring in. Can you do it? I asked. Let us see if my magic crystal ball can do it she responded.


I sat down and between us was a crystal ball with a strange smoke in it. She waved with her hands over the ball and was it my imagination or the dimmed light but it looked as if the smoke inside the ball was moving and twisting and twirling…. And with a strange voice as if in trance she began talking to the ball. The crystal ball of course. She said: Oh ghost of the Crystal ball tell me all you know about incoming transfers to the Arsenal. (I know it sounded cheap) and while she was waving her hands over the crystal ball a light came out of the ball and she had a strange glow on her face.


I see…she said…I see…I see…a granny. A what?  I asked. She went on : A granny and some kind of green monster. A cartoon monster. O my god, I said, you mean Rooney. Whatever,  she said and she carried on waving her hands above the crystal ball.


I see…she said again…I see…I see… teeth. Big teeth. Biting teeth. Biting teeth, I shouted? That can only mean one thing: Suarez.


And she went on : I see….she said…I see…I see…a bible. A what? I asked. She went on: A bible. The bible is open on a certain page. I see…I see the story of the prodigal son. Cesc? I shouted. Cesc!!!!!???? Cescy?????!!!!!!


Suddenly the lights went on and I noticed a big and strong looking man standing behind a curtain at the back of the caravan. I hadn’t seen him before as the room was very dark apart from a little light above the table with the crystal ball on it. Out he shouted. She doesn’t do sex. Out you go. If you want to have sex go to your wife (he also was a bit clairvoyant I think – or he had seen that she had stayed outside). But not with Madame Soleil. And certainly not for 10 euro. And he came closer to me in a threatening way.


I had the impression that explaining to him that I didn’t say “sex” but that I said “Cesc” would not really make a big difference to him.


So I stood up as fast as I could and by doing this I pulled the table cloth almost from the table and saw a smoke machine under the table and the light bulb that was shining under the crystal ball. The chair fell to the ground and I hurried to the door with the big man close behind me. I opened the door jumped out and ran away to my wife who had gone a bit further to see the roller coaster doing it rounds. I looked back to see if the big guy was still behind me but he was just satisfied with me leaving the caravan.


You look as if you have seen a ghost my wife said. Nah, I just have been cheated for 10 euro I said. I told her what happened and said : did you know that Madame Soleil said that Suarez, Rooney and Cesc would come to Arsenal? She wasn’t really impressed my wife. Neither was I at the time. But then again… since then the thought of these 3 coming to Arsenal is somewhere at the back of my head. She has sawn the seed of doubt. Can it be? Did she really knew the future?


Only time will tell. Well that was what I thought when I woke up later that morning.

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30 Replies to “Untold Arsenal goes where nobody else goes to find out the truth on our transfers targets”

  1. You makes me laugh alot! It is funny to read the article but i like it the idea of 3 big signings, even though i dont see it happening! I dont believe in it, but i am wishing it be true!

  2. That was an awesome story! did she also mention the odds?
    Rooney – 5% chance
    Cesc 20% chance
    Suarez – 10% chance

  3. I don’t think it was a Crystal ball that you saw. I think it was more likely to be the head of Pascal Cygan. Apparently he now earns his living that way, roaming Europe with a travelling fair.

  4. Oh my God, I laughed, Walter.

    The thing is, I was semi- cursing you for mentioning all that fried trashcrap they sell at “fairs” (as we call them in England), because, I’m 3 days into a juice fast (last one was for 30 days back in 2000. It was fantastic, but I didn’t tune in to Untold to read about devilishly delicious crapfood).

    On the other hand, you being you, I reckon even if you weren’t married for 30 years, you’d still not have desired sex with someone who’d put their hand out for money, rather than a handshake, though “handshake” can of itself – have sexual connotations, if you know what I mean.

    Big teeth, prodigal son, green monster? Are you sure it wasn’t a dream? The last dream you described on Untold was just before RvP came out with that sh’t-statement. It was a good dream, well told, but what followed wasn’t nice. (not your fault). (Or was it?)

    Brickfields, you must have some antidote to this, no?

  5. @ Ranetta – I had posted earlier but its still in moderation. Am still looking for parts of my dentures which was expulsed with some force at the mentioned of the “auld slapper”.
    I ‘m at present rendered edentulously speechless.
    Since it was just all a bad (?) dream , maybe Dom would be the better person to psychoanalyze and interpret this .
    The best that I can do is a modification of an old drunk joke.
    An old frisky granny , a green randy monster ,a vampire wanna-be and a Spaniard with an Oedipus complex walk into a bar .The bartender asks them ,” What is this ,some kind of a joke ?”

  6. Luiz Suarez. The mere thought of Despicable Him in an Arsenal shirt makes my skin crawl. Still, I may have to actually applaud him in the new season which leads me to wonder a la LFC owner John Henry: what on earth are they smoking at The Ems these days?

  7. Walter,
    In the present climate of transfer bedlam, your tale was a welcome return to pure sanity. I hope you will regale us with more.
    The mix-up between “Cesc” and “sex” reminded me of a similar incident in my youth which turned rather messy (or perhaps I should say Messi!).
    I was at a birthday party of a school chum during which his sister(who was conscious of having rather a long nose) played the piano. Another chum who was an accomplished pianist, at one stage said to the girl, “You’ve got the wrong notes”. The girl, convinced he had said “You’ve got a long nose”, screamed for her Mother and there was total pandemonium.
    It’s so easily done.

  8. @ Nicky – you asked for this !
    Doctor ,examining a rather buxom (okay , if you insist ,big boobed !) teenager ,” Big breaths , big breaths !”
    Girl ( with lisp ) – Yeth , and I’m only twelth !”

  9. Or, after a rather ‘hot and heavy ‘ one night stand with a young lady , Thor decides to reveal his true identity .

    “I ‘m Thor !” He says . To which the young lady remarks ,” You’re thore? How do you think I feelth ?”

  10. @Brickfields

    Hope you enjoy this: –

    Self opinionated man (obviously an AAA type) on lookout for casual sex met a lady in a bar. She is about 45-50, but not bad looking. She asked him would he like to try some mother & daughter sex – he agreed & they headed off to her house.

    On entering the house he settled on the sofa with a whiskey while the lady got into something more comfortable, then he heard her call out:

    “Mum, are you ready?……….”

    Sorry Walter, the transfer season gets to all of us.

  11. Maybe it was the fact that you said it was at a fair, but the way you described “smoutebollen,” it sounds like you mean what Americans call “funnel cake.” It’s been a long time since we had a real Dutch presence over here, but the “Pennsylvania Dutch” (actually Germans) or “Amish” remain strong in Pennsylvania and Ohio, and funnel cake is associated with them, and is pretty popular here, sometimes sold at sporting events in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

  12. Ha!
    First time here, really enjoyed that and it took my mind off our impending transfer failures yet again.
    Man walks up to a butcher, ‘ excuse me, could I have one of those delicious looking steak & kiddily pies?’
    Butcher: ‘ I think you mean KIDNEY’
    Man replies:’ Thats what I said diddle I!’…….
    Compliments of Ned Flanders

  13. @Brickfields (BFG, if I may),

    Thanks for your reply and posts. I hadn’t seen the Rooney animation before. “What is this, some kind of joke” – brilliant!

    Nicky@ 6 pm & BFG@ 6:09 pm – a nice exchange.

    Walter, all: I do like an aside, often. I’m tickled by this type of post, and I notice that along with ref reviews, the AAA have little to say, which I also like.

  14. @Nicky & Walter, I gad a similar experience the first time I was in Slovakia, with one of “her in door’s” relatives trying to talk to me in English about London Fog. I thought he called me a London F+ck, once all was made clear we stuck to sign language and more shots.

  15. rantetta,
    I think the AAA that are of course non-existing have no sense of humour… 😉

    Mmmm I’ve got some tea leaves left… shall I consult them for a next article?

  16. Walter…..I used to see a fortune teller before every game I officiated but she wasn’t very useful, as i always ended up doing the opposite of what she said and things went very well usually!
    I had a similar dream recently where the Arsenal was a ship that all the AAA rats were convinced was sinking, so being the lowlife bilgerats they were, they all jumped overboard and drowned. However the wily captain Wanker was too smart for them (who isn’t?)and actually knew the ship was shipshape and Bristol fashion, as they say in the Navy. All the loyal seamen and women cheered as these vermin disappeared beneath the waves and the merry Emirates Express sailed into the sunrise.

  17. Amazing, Walter.

    I’d originally opined and written: Humourless ********, but I replaced the words. Maybe you should use tea leaves from an Organic source – less poison!

  18. hhahhahha….@ADAM,

    And Whats the sign for London F+ck? (Last word is in Slovokian)

  19. Adam,
    I would like to have been there, the day you tried to explain the LBW Rule!

  20. Walter – good un!

    What if she’d been an Untold reader and recognised you…and predicted that TGSTEL was going to be our main striker and Ade-barn-door was the only other player coming in…would you’ve then have paid the 10Euros?

  21. Asif,
    it was paying before the predictions so had no choice but to pay. 😉

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