By Dr Billy “The Dog” McGraw
Senior Psychologist, Hospital of the North Circular Road, Enfield.
So, my friends, were you sitting in row 15 last night in the lower tier of the north bank? Just behind the goal.
Did you spend the whole evening saying, in a monotone, “Spend some fucking money”? In between saying in a sarcastic manner, “Thank you Wenger” every time you perceived that one of the players who you have previously labelled as “not fit to wear the shirt” (but of whom you now think is the final chance we have of any salvation and around whom a new team must be built) went down with what you in your rampant and unrestrained negativity, defined as a “career ending moment”…
Well, if that is you, fear not, for I am hear to diagnose, support and guide you back into being a human again.
Now it is going to be hard because you are a trifle overweight. Too many burgers perhaps? You need to watch that. Toddle over to the GP when you have a mo, and then remember that weight and fitness is about just two things. One is eating less, the other is exercising more. All those bits about having a “big frame” or “slow metabolism” are just silly stories. I refer you to last Thursday’s New Scientist if you want more info, but overall it is simple. Eat less, exercise more.
So having done the physical, let’s look at your mental position.
You are primarily suffering from Aggravated Mental Complaint Syndrome mixed with Wengerian Father Fixation. You see the Arsenal manager as a person of authority, and that clearly causes you a problem. Rather than engage in sensible organised thought patterns you brain has become locked onto this man, and in your simplistic mental manner his removal will solve your problems.
In short you are patriphobic and suffer also from Tediousity Disorder combined with Degenerative Slogan Psychosis.
As a result you have a touch of mental diminution (some logical thinking will help you here – try to avoid slogans for a while). Observing you I suspect that the left side of your brain which handles speech has become underused through your reliance on meaningless sloganising, This however can be cured. Do more exercise. It releases endorphins and stimulates the blood supply. You’ll be applying logical argument with proper examples in no time.
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However this may not be enough to remove your next medical condition: Turgid Uninformed Retro Non-realistic Institutional Pathology (or Turnip as we doctors call it) a disorder which requires you to mumble the same phrase over and over again at your hated substitute father figure.
Of course what you need to do is get out more, talk to people, gain a few friends, and become a social animal. But this serious need that you have simply to sloganise everything (Degenerative sloganisticism as we medics call it) is holding you back.
So what to do? Well, it cost you around £40 to watch that match last night. And throughout you moaned. Moan, moan, moan, moan. You never stopped. You made yourself even more depressed than you were when you lumbered into your seat, and boy you were depressed then. Supporters to your left, right, behind and in front politely suggested that you be quiet, but you belligerently refused. (Rampant belligerent refusal syndrome)
Thus the first thing to do is to stop spending money on attending games and instead learn to smile. You do this by moving your mouth about a bit.
I also believe you suffer from multiple phobias including…
Acousticphobia (you really can’t stand it when Arsenal score and the rest of us cheer can you?),
Alektorophobia (not much to do with being at the Arsenal but I thought I would mention it anyway),
Allodoxaphobia (and I have to say I have never seen a worse case),
Xanthophobia (during away games)
And most of all – overwhelming totally absolutely Hedonophobia.
Naturally my course of treatment involves you going to the Emirates on match nights and standing outside the ground. You will save your £40 (which will be my fee – a postal order is fine) and you can be bitter, twisted and sad to your hearts content. I hope that makes you feel a lot better.
Oh, and by the way, if you feel like writing to Untold and saying “is this supposed to be funny”, I said it first. And we’ve had the, “this is the saddest stupidist piece I have ever read,” bit. And the “I used to read Untold but I’m never going to again.”
Coming soon… the AAA people who can’t find our defensive midfield
- Sorry AAA, but we can say “Bring on the draw for the CL”
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