Jack Wilshere to become manager of Tottenham

I agree entirely with the comment made on my last post concerning the issue of Gascoigne – it is totally inappropriate to start a rumour over the supposed death of a man suffers from psychiatric problems.  (My joke, you will have noticed, was about Newcastle, not Gascoigne).

But the publication of the rumour did make me pause for a moment on the issue of rumours.

Go to the BBC Teletext page 338 each day and you’ll see them pouring out in terms of football – and all presented as facts.   I particularly remember the one about Arsenal signing Crouch (News of the Dickheads), during the summer which had me laughing all the way to the chippie.

So, seeing as how far and fast the Gascoigne story spread, maybe UNTOLD ARSENAL could do the same, but without the overtones.

For example, Newcastle Zebras are to be taken over by a Nigerian.

Trouble is, that might be a bit far fetched – not even Newcastle could fall for that “you have inherited $20 billion and as a lawyer I want to give it to you – just give me your bank details” scam.

So, how about, “Newcastle will have Dagenham business supremo Terry Venables as a manager.”    But again you see no one would believe that the man who was sacked by Barca because his team couldn’t defeat Dundee, who was sacked by Australia because his team couldn’t beat Iran, and whose business dealings even Alan Sugar couldn’t stomach, would be given such a job.

What we need is a rumour that is believable.   Like the one that says you can now buy a season ticket at Old Trafford, without any waiting list.   But again, surely if this were true it would have been in the papers wouldn’t it.   Manchester Bankrupt have lost their sponsor, can’t pay the interest on their debts – but no waiting list?  Surely no.  We can’t use that.

Or how about the one that Arsenal need a defensive mid-fielder.   But you see even here people are not going to go for it, when Arsenal have yet to concede a goal from open play this season.   It just makes the defence seem, well, ok.

But we could run with “Wenger has lost it”.  His inability to buy players clearly shows that he has no idea what is going on.  We could try that one, because clearly the results show that… oh, yes well,

How about…

Manchester City, richest club in the galaxy, will win everything.  They have a great manager and no one but no one is going to be able to do them over.  They will win every game, and every competition, starting with the Carling C….   oops.

I know, let’s go back a bit.  Start of the season.  The Tiny Totts will this year leap up the league, sweep aside all opposition, and take their rightful place at…

OK, OK, I’ll get the hang of this in a moment.  Newcastle will bring in Kevin Keegan and he will lead them into the golden age.   Joey Barton has been seen pushing a wheelbarrow.   Fabregas is going to Bara.  Arsenal are going to spend £40m on a defensive midfielder.   Arsenal are going to sign me as press officer…

Actually this rumour stuff is harder than it looks.

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