Who Arsenal are buying this summer (the “vapour transfer” phase)

By Tony Attwood, all the newspapers, and a pin stuck in them at random.

After all the excitement about all these players we are going to sign, we find that no, they are all going somewhere else.

Cesc in particular is going to Chelsea, so we are told, and lots of bloggers are ready with the tale that Mr Wenger has been so slow, can’t make up his mind, and the rest (just cut and paste from all the articles last year before we signed Ozil).

In fact, what we are seeing is the usual round of Vapour Transfers – events made up by agents and clubs, just to put journalists off, create false trails, build up a player’s price (“hey Arsenal are after him so he must be good, but he quite likes the north west of England, even though he’s never been there…”)

Untold took the lid off the whole ludicrous Vapour Transfer set up a year or two back, explaining all the different ways in which clubs try and trick each other (like suggesting that they are scouting a particular player – who in reality is not very good – in order to deflect from the fact that they are actually after someone else in the same team, or another team close by, or maybe no one in Montenegro at all…)

Even some of those “sighted at the airport” stories are actually true – one or two players really have been sent on a three day all expenses paid trip to London or Madrid, just to up the price that another club might pay.

Goodness knows where the truth lies with Toulouse player Serge Aurier, who is busy tweeting about Arsenal, while the agent is saying no, no, no, he’s not going there and that his man is talking to two other clubs and he’s never even heard of Arsenal.

Who knows who is in control of that Twitter account – quite possibly the club, quite possibly the agent, quite possibly master manipulator Sir Hardly Anyone (who will be running our World Cup previews this year – first one England’s friendly game tomorrow.  You know it won’t make sense).

So now Atsuto Uchida and Callum Chambers are listed as possible signings, but that is before the vapour transfer market gets into full swing on them.

Thus we now have, or might have, or don’t have (and remembering that no one spotted Ozil until it happened) can’t even know that we have…

Calum Chambers (Southampton)

Chambers made 22 appearances for Southampton.  He’s 19 and he can tackle.  There you are – perfect.  So if we don’t get him, it’s Wenger’s fault.

Serge Aurier (Toulouse)

He is, or isn’t a lifelong Arsenal fan, scored six goals and contributed seven assists last season and is in the Ivory Coast squad.   So if we don’t get him, it’s clearly Wenger’s fault.

Lars Bender (Bayer Leverkusen)

We started trying to get him a year ago, but took Flamini instead.  He says he is not ready to move to England, but of course who ever believes a player?  He’s not playing in the world cup as he is injured.   So if we don’t get him, it’s absolutely Wenger’s fault.

Morgan Schneiderlin (Southampton)

He is top of the Premier League rankings for interceptions (139) and tackles (146), and is cheaper than Bender, so quite simply,  if we don’t get him, it’s definitively Wenger’s fault.

Cesc Fabregas (Barcelona)

He’s off the Chelsea, but a blogger sitting in an attic in Rotherham said that he wants to come to Arsenal.   So if we don’t get him, it’s overwhelmingly Wenger’s fault.

Atsuto Uchida (Schalke)

He’s Japanese and so could talk to Ryo.  Described as a forward-thinking right-sided player, with a contract that has just one year to run.  Oh and Mr Wenger speaks Japanese.

Played 127 times for Schalke and has 67 caps for Japan (actually one paper I read said he has “67 caps for Japan under his belt” which is a rather strange place to keep them).   But even though we might not understand Japanese ways if we don’t get him, it’s utterly obviously Wenger’s fault.

Mario Mandzukic (Bayern Munich)

Robert Lewandowski is arriving from Borussia Dortmund, so Bayern have a forward to get rid of.

He is like Podolski, rarely completing 90 minutes, but he scored 26 goals last season and yet was said to be absent from the end-of-season celebrations.  Papers call him a “proven goalscorer and a proven winner”   So if we don’t get him, it’s comprehensively Wenger’s fault!!!

Loic Remy (Queens Park Rangers)

Remy is going somewhere, he scored 14 in 26 for Newcastle on loan and he’s cheap, so if we don’t get him, it’s, oh I don’t know, let’s blame someone….

There you are – now you know.

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36 Replies to “Who Arsenal are buying this summer (the “vapour transfer” phase)”

  1. I find Cesc Fabregas’ case funny.
    I mean if we have the right of first refusal, that is, to match whatever price any club offers to pay for him and we are interested, why indicate interest right off the bat so that other clubs can bid up the price we have to match?

  2. At last can’t spell ur name, but the first poster has hit the nail on the head. We do not have to go in for fabregas until the last minute as we have first refusal, so.let them waste their time and then go in.
    As for transfers, I will start getting excited when the window is actually open (July 1st) until then it’s mainly free transfers apart from the odd deal that both selling club’s and the player himself are in agreement to announce. ie lambert to Liverpool, other than that I haven’t heard of a single deal being announced in the UK, apart from out of contracts.

  3. What if Barcelona does not honour the first refusal for Arsenal in the same way they did not honour not to unsettle him before signing him?

  4. Why does this site consistently side with wenger? The mans a cretin of the highest overpaid and over here managers order! Yes there’s rumours but nothing from the club to dismiss gossip all the time it’s season renewal time Wenger dithers has done for years ever since David Deins left. .if Gazidus had a pair and done his job and TOLD wenger buy the players we need ASAP.the monies there the board are saying go ahead.TOP clubs are buying now not waiting.AND three more years of this idiot.

  5. Why is it we are told by the experts in the media that Bayern Munich, having signed Lewandowski, will now have sell Mandzukic. Those same experts are always telling Arsenal that you need two top class strikers if you want to be considered a top club. Doesn’t the same argument apply to Bayern M?

  6. Cesc….Wenger is damned if he does, damned if he doesnt….assuming he is actually available as reported

  7. We are now well into the silly season and with not a lot appearing to be happening we have to be patient (nothing much appearing to be happening does not mean that nothing is happening)!

    In the meantime the media & bloggers continue to make up stories ad infinitum – not much changes – although I haven’t noted any links to Kalou – yet!

  8. Goonermay68 – I think the answer to your opening question is apparent through most of the articles on this site, but even if not (and quite honestly I can’t see why not) I think your commentary gives us the answer.

    On this site we look at details, consider explanations, evaluate circumstances, and think through arguments. It is a long process, but it allows us to see different issues and weigh one against another – issues like injuries, the comparative merits of Henry and Giroud after two seasons, and so forth. Against this we consider your point.

    If I may take the sentence of yours “The mans a cretin of the highest overpaid and over here managers order!” what seems to be lacking here is any evidence to justify this claim. Or again, “Wenger dithers has done for years ever since David Deins left” – again without any evidence.

    Now given that we openly say at the top of each page that we support the manager and the team, I would have thought that anyone with even 1% of the normal size of a brain would grasp the fact that if coming to such a site to make the point that the entire site is ill-founded, one should at least put forward some evidence and clarity, so that we can argue back and forth.

    Especially as it says on the site that normally speaking posts that are just abuse are deleted. I’ve allowed yours through because it does strike me as somewhat amusing that you could make such basic and foolish errors in attempting to persuade us towards your opinion. Perhaps a little practice at debate might help.


  9. Tony

    I’ve been trying to post for ages but unless this comes up anything other than one word has failed to appear so it’s fingers crossed for this one.

  10. Cesc decided to leave, blamed the ol’ DNA. I really can’t see Arsenal progressing with him, our play is more direct. Keep an eye on Josip Drmić.

  11. On the whole I agree with you, Dan. Much as he’s a fine player, the team has moved on since he left, and when Walcott and Oxlade-Chamberlain return we’ll be a much more direct, dynamic team.

  12. Transfers…..I am going with a previous untold article…someone beneath the current radar nobody is mentioning….my long long shot is gotze …probably very wrong though
    Is Chris samba still available these days?

  13. Goonermay68…….the only promising and pleasant thought coming from your imbecilic rant is the fact that Wenger WILL be with us another 3 years and you will be gone by the next article!

  14. Tony,
    I beg to disagree.
    If Uchida does not come to Arsenal, then blame it on Ryo.

  15. Well if Wenger do sign anyone, they will use it to hit him on the head anyway.

    Sign Cesc and they will say he isn’t what we need.

    Sign Manzudkic and they will say he isn’t “world class”

    Sign Remy and they will say Wenger is cheap.

  16. @Jambug,
    Your trouble contacting Untold can only be the fault of one person…..Arsene Wenger!!!!

  17. Santi Cazorla “apparently” says he wants Cesc back at Arsenal.
    If so, that is good enough for me, even though i was thinking, where would he play?
    But i trust AW to know if Cesc will enhance the team, and if AW does not want him, then
    i’m ok with that too.

    I’m learning that AW will not buy ANY player that he thinks will disrupt the team, who he cannot work his magic on or who he thinks would not fit Arsenal.

  18. @Tony I have to admire your energy to defend Wenger in every turn. You talk about unlimited resources all the time. Well, that is the difference between us and rest of the top clubs, they want to win trophies and all we want is better and better business. Other clubs has chosen to do all they can to WIN and they are prepared to pump more money into the club to achieve that goal. As a fan, I don’t need to accept the fact that when we were on top of the world and PL winners, we chose not to focus on keep winning and strengthening more, but to develop greedy business and money making machine for couple of chosen people. We chose to sacrifice all that matters to us, the fans, the essence of sports – winning (or even trying). Yes, the business in blooming and the club is making fuck loads of money, straight from fans pockets. Does this please you Wenger lovers? Personally, I can’t give a fuck about that as I haven’t seen any of that money and we haven’t won fuck all for years (and yes, one FA Cup doesn’t justify anything).Best league performance in nine years?????? Are you serious? How is this year fourth place any better than previous, or all those past years fourth places? These two last fourth places we had to fight to the very end to achieve that. Heavy defeats to basically all of the top teams and becoming a laughing stock of football world… yes really, a success to be proud of.But, Wenger has been given new three year deal and there is nothing we can do about it. Does he continue to work his old ways which means that this club isn’t going forwards, or does he wake up and start to use that financial power we have now, does he wake up and understand that his tactical approach is ancient and needs to be totally overviewed…? Questions, questions…


    The 9 year trophy drought was not down to us not being able to compete financially (as I’ve said on numerous occasions we had the money but Arsene spent it badly on big contracts and pay rises for poor quality players) it was down to a combination of Arsene signing and persisting with those poor quality players, in a system that is piss easy to defend against, and Arsene’s lack of tactical ability. Going to Manure with an off form, injury ravaged squad and trying to play the way we would play at home against Burnley led to that 8-2 humiliation, just as one of many examples. I haven’t worked in football for 30 years but I saw our line up that day and thought “we are going to get beaten”, then I saw how we were trying to play and I thought “we are going to get tonked here”. Guess what? I was right. Didn’t take 30 years experience or £7million a year to see it either.As for your comment about bitching being based on our 2006-2013 performances… what exactly has changed? Did we not go to Citeh and the mousers this season, set up wrong, take the wrong tactical approach and get humiliated? Was that not this season? 

  19. Paul o,

    could you please tell us how the greedy “bastards” have taken money out of the club?

  20. What else would you call givingssomeone a three year Contract with a payrise on the basis of scraping to fa cup win whilst getting humiliated by each one of our rivals?

  21. Do we still get linked with Pogba….or has that died a death….or was it never on the cards anyway?
    Good player.

  22. I saw an interesting one on Arsenal NewsNow about us signing the German national teams’ fitness coach. Germans are big strong effers and stay fit, so it might be a good move for us.

  23. OT: Sorry

    The BBC is reporting that the League is going to reject Dyke’s “B League” proposal. Some teams are suggesting the existing loan system is an adequate replacement.

    This B league is returning players from the first team coming off injuries, and youth players trying to break into the first team.

    Arsene Wenger knows everything, did he forsee this?

    The Emirates Cup is 4 team mini-tournament to take place over 2 days. I am suggesting something similar for the “B League”.

    The object being, that the players needing games, get games playing with at least some of the players they should be playing against.

    I would suggest 3 points for a win, no points if you don’t score, 1 point for a tie. I will suggest 1 point for goals scored in the first half, and 1 point if more than 3 goals are scored.

    Each 2 day tournament involves 4 teams. If the 4 teams involved are all EPL teams, no points generated in the tournament follow through to a B league title. If only 3 teams are EPL teams, the points obtained by the top 3 teams (if they are EPL teams) carry through to a B League decision. If only 2 of the teams in a mini-tournament are EPL teams, results from the top 2 teams are carried through to B League if they are from EPL teams. And finally, if only a single team is an EPL team, we only see points carry through if that team finishes first in the mini tournament.

    Each EPL team is required to sponsor at least 2 mini-tournaments. Other EPL teams are Reserve teams of the EPL club. Non-EPL teams can be from the Championship, or any top division UEFA Reserve team.

    Of course, a cup goes to the winners.

    Does that get the reserve teams the competition they need?

  24. More musing. Games are minimal to spectators (and all games must allow spectators). Spectators can donate to watch. All of the money goes into a single purse. The winner declares which charity the money goes to.

  25. Paul o
    (June 4, 2014 at 12:41 pm)
    So much to say. Pity it isn’t your work.
    Cut-n-pasted from

  26. I can’t get over it. Every time in the silly season, the cucumber season, the rumor season, you name it – people come up with retarded stories regarding who is going to sign for which club.

    It revolves around ALL the clubs. It’s because the media have no stories to publish. But we care about Arsenal so let’s focus on that.

    Then all the fantasy manager fanboys who think that the fact that some player has a Pro Evo 2014 stat of 98 makes him a great signing, start foaming at the mouth because they know that the only way to win is to spend.

    Newsflash you dildos: look at the Spurs. They won a brand new hemorrhoid. Look at Atletico Madrid. They spent almost nothing and won La Liga. There is no correlation between spending and winning – there is a very indirect correlation, between (lack of) depth and lots of injuries. But that’s down to luck, mainly.

    Anyway I hope that (at least) you dildos would agree that had we not suffered the very long injuries to Rambo and Theo we would have won the league, comfortably so we DON’T need a lot of new signings – probably a right back and a stand in goalie – to compensate for Sagna and Fabianski leaving.

    Another addition, in my opinion, will only make me happy if it’s someone with extra added value.

    And guess what ? I’m no scout. I don’t know who will fit the bill, also taking into consideration social and personal factors (example: Scolari didn’t choose a few great footballers because they have shit personalities; same went for Deschamps who DID NOT pick Le Petite Pute, aka Le Cunt).

    So just relax with all the “Arsenal don’t spend” shit.


    Been to the Rolling Stones last night, it was awesome. Aside from the fact that Sir Mick is a fan, 2 songs came into mind and reminded me of Arsenal – (a) Doom and Gloom – reminded me of the AAA; (b) You can’t always get what you want – reminded me (again) of the fans that want us to buy-buy-buy.

    But I guess that what we get is what we need …


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