Our match previewer of last season – Dom – is sadly unable to write the previews for Untold for 2014/15, and so, upon hearing the news I went out a-searching for a replacement correspondent.
My eye was drawn last week to an advert in the Strand magazine which read thus…
“Demobilised officer and gentleman finding peace incredibly tedious, would welcome diversion. Legitimate, if possible; but crime, if of a comparatively humorous description, no objection. Excitement essential.”
Naturally I contacted the advertiser at once, and after a series of interesting negotiations I am able to present our new previewer: Bulldog Drummond, Gentleman adventurer, as Untold’s new previewer.
And so off we go… over to you Bulldog
Where would Man C be without Arsenal?
Probably not in Manchester, because Manchester has issues. Problems you might say. It’s not a place I like to visit – so I tend to read the travel brochures…
In an interview Tevez said “There’s no point in buying here…..it has nothing”, Nasri said “Moving here from London it was a big change – a shock”, and Moura chose PSG over Manchester
City United because he said “Manchester was boring”.
But this Nasri fella – now he says some curious things. He’s not quite with it, if you know what I mean. Fine player on his day, of course, but not quite all there up top, if you follow my drift. Needs a glass of beer or two to get things sorted in the brain department if you follow me. Here’s todays quota fresh off the ration book…
“Everything about France squad makes me unhappy” That is in the Guardian.
“I won’t play for France again under Deschamps… there’s always trouble” That from the Independent.
Then in the Telegraph he says… “Arsenal fans are stupid to boo me.”
He also is quoted there with “Playing for France made me sad”
And we must feel for the little blighter. He’s sad, and that’s not a good condition for anyone. Perhaps a slap round the face with a cold fish might help. Meanwhile the season has started with silly people saying silly things. Way down south, beyond the Thames, south even of the land in which our club began, they played yesterday and Ian Holloway condemned “disrespectful” Millwall supporters for speaking of Leeds’ links to Jimmy Savile. So that sets the tone in Le Den for the coming months. And just for old times sake here’s a picture of some northern people playing in an earlier Charity Shield.
Northerns! Doncha just love em?
But what, I hear you ask, of Arsenal On Tour. The old fellas who skim across the world looking for somewhere to go after Arsenal, People like Nicolas Anelka, Brian Kidd, Sylvinho, Brian Marwood, Alan Ball, David Platt and, of course, Paul Dickov who went their twice… the list is endless! And to prove my point it continues with Joe Mercer, David Rocastle, The Adebayor, Kolo Toure, Gael Clichy, Patrick Vieira , The Nasri . Niall Quinn David Seaman.
Today’s game is indeed “Arsenal players still with us, vs the spirit of Arsenal players that left.” And speaking of spirit, mine’s a glass of port.
There are bits of the club that you can’t help liking of course. Upon becoming Chairman, Lee said “This will be the happiest club in the land. The players will be the best paid and we’ll drink plenty of champagne, celebrate and sing until we’re…”
Or remember that day on 1 May 2007, when it was announced that the deposed Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra had been granted access to the club’s accounts. By 1 September 2008 that the club were so desperate they were in talks with the Abu Dhabi United Group to sell Thaksin’s entire stake, a deal which was agreed later in the day.
Now some people think that Abu Dhabi United Group is connected to the government of Abu Dhabi, but they ain’t. Oh no! They are just people who have so much wealth they buy football clubs for fun. Especially those who buy up ex-Arsenal men.
And they still like to do it their own way – like having two first-choice keepers, according to the Emperor Highly Unlikely, the manager of the club. “I have two number one goalkeepers,” he said.
So on to today’s game.
Now if you want to win a game of football, you need to be a hunter. You need to prowl and use stealth, to move across the greensward without a blade of grass a-russlin’. You also need to be ruthless – to be able to kill a man with your bare hands in a second, to lead the raid alone when need be, to hunt in packs when the situation calls for it.
Great players are able in jujutsu and boxing, as well as being handy at the table should cards be the order of the day. Intellect is not needed, for this is not within the spirit of the English warrior class, but is something reserved for aesthetes.
Nor does one need to participate in the dandy-fied game of cricket. Football! That’s the game!!! And for today’s game against Man City we shall need all our guile and stout English values to overcome our nemesis – the Spirit of Wild Expenditure of Other People’s Money.
To begin, a proper entrance is needed – I have asked Mr Wenger for all the men of our team to be issued with Bentley’s and each will drive his own. There will be no chauffeurs here. But there will be fog – I can smell it even now – and it will sweep down through the Midlands and head south into the Middlesex lands of Wembley.
Now we must also remember that Manchester City are a bunch of hearty roughs from foreign parts. Through their foul tactics and illicit alliances with the referees they have arranged it so that we have only beaten them once in the last eight. The time is now for change.
But now the Gods are with us. The last time we played in this competition in the land of the Middle Sex with its past marred in illegality and anti-charitable behaviour we beat the wilderbeast of Manchester Untidy 2-1. The last time we played the match we lost to the Chels, but that was in foreign lands.
Now much has been said of our ability to let in goals by the load of a shed, and indeed 41% of our total goal intake came in just three games. Avoid those games and we are fine.
But we must be wary of the evil Force Azure (FA) who run the show in its usual state of incompetence, disrespect and disrepute.
Here’s the squad news
The incoming for the Team With Other People’s Money
|Fernando||Porto||£12,000,000||26 Jun, 2014|
|Bacary Sagna||Arsenal||Free||01 Jul, 2014|
|Wilfredo Caballero||Malaga||£6,000,000||08 Jul, 2014|
Manchester City have also signed of the Argentina Under-20 international Bruno Zuculini, the Argentine side Racing Club, but I know not the cost The outgoing with not so much of Other People’s Money spent as before.
|Alex Henshall||Ipswich||Free||27 Jun, 2014|
|Gareth Barry||Everton||Free||08 Jul, 2014|
|Reece Wabara||Doncaster||Free||01 Aug, 2014|
|Jack Rodwell||Sunderland||£10,000,000||05 Aug, 2014|
Compare with Arsenal with all expenditure being Arsenal money.
|Alexis Sanchez||Barcelona||£30,000,000||10 Jul, 2014|
|Mathieu Debuchy||Newcastle||£12,000,000||17 Jul, 2014|
|David Ospina||Very Nice||£3,000,000||27 Jul, 2014|
|Calum Chambers||Southampton||£16,000,000||28 Jul, 2014|
|Bacary Sagna||Man City||Free||01 Jul, 2014|
|Zach Fagan||Welling||Free||01 Jul, 2014|
|Thomas Eisfeld||Fulham||23 Jul, 2014|
|Nicholas Yennaris||Brentford||01 Aug, 2014|
And thus it can be seen by pushing forth the issue of FFP we have done the stuff and forced the evil northerners from the table. Of course it may take a little while for our new team to bed down, but we can hope highly for a favourable outcome against the lower orders and slave traders.
Ahead of the game Arsène Wenger said “Let’s not go overboard,” he said. “We are more comfortable, but we are not Manchester City. The real pressure was to keep the club financially capable to pay back the stadium debt and for that we needed to be in the Champions League every year. “If I write my book one day I will explain why that was the real pressure.”
Shad Forsythe, the American conditioning expert who worked on the World Cup winners will make our players into Super Men, never injured, eternal fighters against borish rich. El Teams, as they say in Spain…
Debuchy Koscielny Chambers Koscielny Gibbs
The Ox Giroud Sanchez
Of course there will be trickery, and when it comes there will be disbelief. If you want to see how that goes just re-read the moment when Untold reported the fact that Man C had been caught in the FFP net and were asked to respond.
Response came there none from the club, the deadline came and went and their supporters who ventured here came with some of the most amazing excuses you will have ever seen. FFP was in the European Court and so nothing would happen. FFP had already been thrown out in Europe as illegal. Uefa had made a mistake. Man C were going to appeal. Man C’s appeal was so strong that Uefa were trying to find a way out. The Premier League were taking Uefa to court. The European Court of Human Rights was involved. Britain was leaving the EU…
It went on for days as the other clubs caught out by FFP settled, but Man C remained sullen. Oh what a chuckle. Just like the old days. And remember, we haven’t got to the Premier League’s FFP yet, which kicks in later this year. But not, seemingly, in Manchester. The Man C team
Robinho Ronadinho Robertino Ribeno
Rizzlo Roboino Robocopo Robinhoodo
Result: match abandoned due to bad weather.
Tony: I say old chap did you know that you put Kos in our line up twice?
Bulldog: Well, he’s worth it.