By Jack Bottle, examination officer and connoisseur of all good things like whisky, woman and money
Cheers. aaaggghhh The first sip is always the worst. But once you have done that the next sip tastes all the better. But as you are not here for my whisky but for my report on that wonderful organisation called Fufa I will come to that in a moment.
Cheers. Much better.
I was appointed by Mr. Bladder from Fufa a few months ago to hold an investigation in to the possible bribery that was said to have taken place. Cheers again.
The fact that Mr. Bladder is my superior made it impossible for me to turn this down of course. So I went on a search. And I have found that there are hundreds of clean and decent whiskies in the world. Oh sorry, wanted to say decent Fufa people around the world. In fact I never have seen but good, decent guys in Fufa. Except that guy, what’s his name again? You know the one that was one of the top dogs till he dared to run for the job of my dear beloved boss Mr. Bladder. Jack Walker or something in that style. We then quickly unmasked him as the one who had his fingers in the till. Mr. Bladder’s till! And nobody except Mr. Bladder can stick his fingers in that till.
Anyway. First I went to Russia. Cheers. I went on a search. Looked here, looked there, looked nowhere. All I could find was a bottle of whisky in my hotel room. Paid for by Fufa of course. But that is no bribery to me. I would have ordered it anyway. Cheers. I have been in Russia but still I prefer whisky to their vodka. So they couldn’t bribe me at all. The woman were nice but I would have gone for them anyway so again this cannot be seen as any form or bribery at all. I am too good looking for any woman and I can attract them with a snap of my fingers. Cheers.
The only problem I had with the Russian bid was their bed. Bid – Bed. This sure seems funny to me after my 6th glass of whisky while writing this report. Anyway. Cheers. Anyway the bed was too hard. And when I complained to the manager he said look at the suitcase in your room. And yes there was a suitcase in the room. But it was an empty one. So again no bribery. When I went home however I took the suitcase with me. And I filled it up with the money the previous guest had hidden in the mattress. What an idiot that must have been. Anyway I took the money home with me and found nothing strange in Russia. Cheers.
Off to Qatar I went. Of course that was a bit difficult. As they somehow make difficulties about drinking alcohol. They have some laws that forbid alcohol consumption and I wasn’t that keen on being flogged some 40 times. But Mr. Bladder had told me how to do it and when to do it and that it would be no problem if I would tell them I was from Fufa.
And so I did. Cheers. Bring me another bottle will you.
I once again went on the search. To see if I could find some form of bribery. Looked left, looked right, looked under, looked upon but nothing could be found when I was there.
As there is also a 100 lashing punishment for adultery I sure wasn’t interested in any woman over there. So again no sign of anything wrong. But I didn’t stay long as I do need a woman regularly but the thought of the whip kept me sober. Well for that part of the job anyway.
Cheers. What I do know is that Qatar is rich. Extremely rich. And this shows everywhere. But the strangest things are the beds in Qatar. In fact there is no mattress on such a bed. They are not made out of wood. Probably because there is a lot of dessert out there so not a lot of trees out there I guess. Seriously now the beds are completely made out of dollars. And the owner of the hotel who I had been told was related to the leading family in the country said to me: take all you can and want from your room when you leave. Just use the empty suitcases.
Cheers. There were a lot of empty suitcases by the way. Empty at first. And so I just obeyed the local tradition and took my bed with me when I went home after founding not one single evidence that Qatar had done anything wrong.
So when I returned to the Fufa headquarters I started writing a report. This report you just read.
It is nonsense to even dare to suggest that Russia and Qatar did anything wrong in their bidding process. No, the English did as their whisky is rubbish compared to Scottish whisky. Which reminds me, cheers.
Mr. Bladder said that he was highly impressed with my thorough investigation of these false accusations of Fufa accepting bribery. He said that he would think of me in the future and that I could think of getting a good promotion as soon as possible.
As long as it contains enough whisky on my desk, as long as I can get that nicely looking blond secretary and as long as I can find empty suitcases in my hotel room it is all fine with me. Cheers.
So there it is, the 10 final conclusions and cheers to that:
1. The English and their FA are suspect. I think they would do anything if given the chance.
2. Fufa is clean.
3. Russia is clean. Apart from that blonde one…man she was ****** *******!
4. Qatar is clean.
5. My bottle is empty.
6. Bring me a new one.
7. Mr. Bladder is innocent.
8. The whole Fufa is innocent.
9. The world has suddenly stopped and started turning in another direction
10. I might by drunk.
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