EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS: FUFA IS INNOCENT : the exclusive report from our investigator on the spot

By Jack Bottle, examination officer and connoisseur of all good things like whisky, woman and money

Cheers. aaaggghhh The first sip is always the worst. But once you have done that the next sip tastes all the better. But as you are not here for my whisky but for my report on that wonderful organisation called Fufa I will come to that in a moment.

Cheers. Much better.

I was appointed by Mr.  Bladder from Fufa a few months ago to hold an investigation in to the possible bribery that was said to have taken place. Cheers again.

The fact that Mr. Bladder is my superior made it impossible for me to turn this down of course. So I went on a search. And I have found that there are hundreds of clean and decent whiskies in the world. Oh sorry, wanted to say decent Fufa people around the world. In fact I never have seen but good, decent guys in Fufa. Except that guy, what’s  his name again? You know the one that was one of the top dogs till he dared to run for the job of my dear beloved boss Mr. Bladder. Jack Walker or something in that style. We then quickly unmasked him as the one who had his fingers in the till. Mr. Bladder’s till!  And nobody except Mr. Bladder can stick his fingers in that till.

Anyway. First I went to Russia. Cheers.  I went on a search. Looked here, looked there, looked nowhere. All I could find was a bottle of whisky in my hotel room. Paid for by Fufa of course. But that is no bribery to me. I would have ordered it anyway. Cheers. I have been in Russia but still I prefer whisky to their vodka. So they couldn’t bribe me at all.  The woman were nice but I would have gone for them anyway so again this cannot be seen as any form or bribery at all. I am too good looking for any woman and I can attract them with a snap of my fingers. Cheers.

The only problem I had with the Russian bid was their bed. Bid – Bed. This sure seems funny to me after my 6th glass of whisky while writing this report. Anyway. Cheers. Anyway the bed was too hard. And when I complained to the manager he said look at the suitcase in your room. And yes there was a suitcase in the room. But it was an empty one. So again no bribery.  When I went home however I took the suitcase with me. And I filled it up with the money the previous guest had hidden in the mattress.  What an idiot that must have been. Anyway I took the money home with me and found nothing strange in Russia. Cheers.

Off to Qatar I went. Of course that was a bit difficult. As they somehow make difficulties about drinking alcohol. They have some laws that forbid alcohol consumption and I wasn’t that keen on being flogged some 40 times. But Mr. Bladder had told me how to do it and when to do it and that it would be no problem if I would tell them I was from Fufa.

And so I did. Cheers.  Bring me another bottle will you.

I once again went on the search. To see if I could find some form of bribery. Looked left, looked right, looked under, looked upon  but nothing could be found when I was there.

As there is also a 100 lashing punishment for adultery I sure wasn’t interested in any woman over there.  So again no sign of anything wrong.  But I didn’t stay long as I do need a woman regularly but the thought of the whip kept me sober. Well for that part of the job anyway.

Cheers. What I do know is that Qatar is rich. Extremely rich. And this shows everywhere. But the strangest things are the beds in Qatar. In fact there is no mattress on such a bed. They are not made out of wood. Probably because there is a lot of dessert out there so not a lot of trees out there I guess. Seriously now the beds are completely made out of dollars. And the owner of the hotel who I had been told was related to the leading family in the country said to me: take all you can and want from your room when you leave. Just use the empty suitcases.

Cheers. There were a lot of empty suitcases by the way. Empty at first.  And so I just obeyed the local tradition and took my bed with me when I went home after founding not one single evidence that Qatar had done anything wrong.

So when I returned to the Fufa headquarters I started writing a report. This report you just read.

It is nonsense to even dare to suggest that Russia and Qatar did anything wrong in their bidding process. No, the English did as their whisky is rubbish compared to Scottish whisky.  Which reminds me, cheers.

Mr. Bladder said that he was highly impressed with my thorough investigation of these false accusations of Fufa accepting bribery. He said that he would think of me in the future and that I could think of getting a good promotion as soon as possible.

As long as it contains enough whisky on my desk, as long as I can get that nicely looking blond secretary and as long as I can find empty suitcases in my hotel room it is all fine with me.  Cheers.

So there it is, the 10 final conclusions and cheers to that:

1. The English and their FA are suspect. I think they would do anything if given the chance.

2. Fufa is clean.

3. Russia is clean. Apart from that blonde one…man she was ****** *******!

4. Qatar is clean.

5. My bottle is empty.

6. Bring me a new one.

7. Mr. Bladder is innocent.

8. The whole Fufa is innocent.

9. The world has suddenly stopped and started turning in another direction

10. I might by drunk.



19 Replies to “EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS: FUFA IS INNOCENT : the exclusive report from our investigator on the spot”

  1. Not so fast…

    “Michael Garcia, who conducted a two-year inquiry, said the report “contains numerous materially incomplete and erroneous representations”.”

    You couldn’t make it up!

  2. Nothing to See Here… Move Along… Move along..
    For the simple mind ,from a galaxy far ,far away….


    Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.

    Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: [with a small wave of his hand] You don’t need to see his identification.

    Stormtrooper: We don’t need to see his identification.

    Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

    Stormtrooper: These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

    Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: He can go about his business.

    Stormtrooper: You can go about your business.

    Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Move along.

    Stormtrooper: Move along… move along.

  3. Nicely worded!

    This bunch of crooks have been at it for years. Havalalange, Walker,Leoz etc etc etc all had to resign as they were found guilty of taking bribes.

    This wasn’t even a proper investigation. Nobody could be forced to give evidence, they could basically lie through their teeth without repercussions.

    This is Septic Bladder and his cronies at it yet again. What a farce.


    FIFA caught yet AGAIN on the fiddle, this time mis-representing the information obtained by Michael Garcia during his internal investigation. Michael Garcia is not a happy bunny and has accused Fifa’s independent ethics adjudicator, Hans-Joachim Eckert, of creating a report which contains “numerous materially incomplete and erroneous representations”. In other words, just more corruption.

    Fifa now has no choice but to publish Michael Garcia’s report in full if it expects anyone to believe their claims that that there has been no cover-up over allegations of corruption in the World Cup bidding process.

    The report cleared World Cup hosts Russia and Qatar of wrong doing.It also accused the English Football Association of flouting bid rules. But Garcia’s statement, issued less than four hours after the report was published, has reopened the debate about the validity of the bidding process for both the 2018 and 2022 competitions.

    Simon Johnson, who led England’s 2018 bid team, described the twist in the saga as FARCICAL. “Before that statement by Mr Garcia, I was saying that it’s very difficult to have confidence in the conclusions of Mr Eckert’s report and that it looked like a politically motivated whitewash. Now that I have seen Mr Garcia’s statement, I am absolutely convinced that the report is a politically motivated whitewash.”

    Garcia’s statement will embarrass Fifa and raise serious concerns about the work of Eckert.

    Fifa had hoped Eckert’s report would bring closure but instead there are fresh allegations of wrong doing and calls for Garcia’s own report, which runs into hundreds of pages, to be published in full.

    “Fifa has no choice but to publish Michael Garcia’s report in full if it expects anyone to believe their claims that there has been no cover-up over allegations of corruption in the World Cup bidding process,” said British MP Clive Efford, Labour’s Shadow Minister for Sport.

    Another British MP, Damien Collins, had already labelled Eckert’s report “a whitewash” before Garcia’s statement was issued.

    How on earth Blatter and his cronies have been able to get away with this for all those years beggars belief.

  5. My New Year’s wish is a repeat from the last century…..that a couple of major football nations have the bottle to secede from FIFA. Then watch the “domino effect”.

  6. Still, a bit rich for Greg Dyke to be ridiculing FIFA.

    It does appear that FIFA had an anti-FA agenda, shown by the conclusions about the dealing with Jack Warner. However, this does not mean that the criticisms are unjustified.

    FA and FIFA seem to be as bad as each other.

  7. Wasn’t Eckert appointed by the very people he should be investigating? Corruption in the extreme. There will always be an on-going mountain of FIFA material for Andrew Jennings. His ‘Omertà: Sepp Blatter’s FIFA Organised Crime Family’ is an amazing read. I wish we could get him to delve into the PGMOL mire also.

  8. During the time I have been in Oz, getting up and reading the latest on Untold has been a real pleasure.

    And for once I only get to read the articles when everyone else does, rather than before. I see the real untold and I’m relieved to say I rather enjoy it.

    I loved this piece – Walter sign this man up as our international football correspondent.

    I’ll knock out the occasional item about how by being a member of Fifa the FA shares in their corruption, but Jack Bottle must become our regular man inside Fifa, giving us the low down.

    Buy him a drink from me.


  9. ‘Strange’ how the two countries who complained about the bidding process were found to have ‘irregular’ bids.

    England and Australia obviously bribed everyone considering they received so many votes, 3? was it.

    Such an embarrassingly transparent ploy, like something a 5 year old would come up with.

    English and Australian FA’s: “The bidding process was corrupt”
    FIFA: “No it isn’t, you are”

  10. I will try to sign him up Tony but don’t know yet to ask it to him when he is sober or when he is drunk… 😉

  11. Morning all.

    Just to clarify the situation about QATAR being cleared and England being accused of breaking the rules. It is actually very funny when you read some of the report and what those who know what they are talking about are saying. It is important to understand what the accusations were and what evidence was used to ‘clear’ QATAR of any wrong doing.

    ACCUSATION: That QATAR represented by Bin Hamman paid bribes to secure the World Cup for QATAR

    ACCUSATION: That Portugal & Spain (who were bidding jointly) had agreed a deal to trade votes with QATAR

    Now lets see who the investigators spoke to and how they came to the decision to CLEAR all three of the above nations:

    QATAR: Refused to speak to the enquiry
    PORTUGAL: Refused to speak to the enquiry
    QATAR: Refused to speak to the enquiry

    They refused to speak to the enquiry, so they were cleared. Interesting.

    Why was England and the other nations critical of FIFA found guilty of failing to comply with the bidding process?

    England: Spoke to the enquiry and provided details of how they canvassed for votes
    Australia: Spoke to the enquiry and provided details of how they canvassed for votes

    The two nations critical of FIFA agreed to speak to the investigators and admitted to sponsoring events to help curry favour and have been condemned. They volunteered this information and it was to the tune of around £35,000. Not the multi millions of bribes that it is alleged had been paid by QATAR.

    We must remember that FIFA have lurched from one bribery scandal to another with a host of resignations over the years.

    It is truly incredible that anyone takes FIFA serious any more. The sooner nations get together and pull out of FIFA the better. We need a fresh start because the game belongs to us.

    It really is a joke.

  12. ok yes fufa but lets see the other side of the coin …

    we have our organisation, we have our pie, we share it nicely..we all eat. life is good

    then all of a sudden we get attacked by the english who have allowed some tyccoons to ‘invest’ in epl clubs and they are coming in our sallons to take our pies.

    we (real madrid, bayern, barcelona, ac milan) enjoy our pies very much the last 100 years and dont wont to share with murdoch zahavi and co…..

    are the regulatory bodies of english football any better? who let abramovic in? and why? on what grounds do english referess punish the teams that want to play football ?

    is arsenal conributing to the sky/epl carousel or taking money out of our carousel? and you expect us to let them win? ha…..

  13. oh sorry this is about the world cup bid…oh well what did you expect? … a quick check on the contracts for building qatar for the world cup will tell you all you need to know…what will you say if you find uk companies participating in the bonanza down there ? its all a show

  14. I am finally coming to the realisation that FIFA is becoming unreformable. If the current extraordinary situation does not result in a revolution inside FIFA, if Blatter is reelected next Spring, then I do think that withdrawal may be the only way to go.

    Ideally UEFA as a bloc, or worst case several of the major countries in UEFA together (plus a few others around the world too – but less important).

    The biggest clubs, the best players, the most money, are in England, Spain, Germany, France and Italy. That is all it needs. In fact, just England and Spain on their own may be enough?

    If England broke away alone then I imagine that all foreign players in PL would be blacklisted. Which would be very damaging for those who have invested in our clubs… on second thoughts, let’s go for it! For Arsenal, Kroenke and Usmanov would both disappear – but I can live with that.

    If FIFA fractured then the sponsors would disappear and it would be the end for them.

    As you all know, the only thing that matters is the money – which means sponsors and TV rights.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *