The Untold Exclusive Interviews: Peter Crouch

The Arsenal Exclusives

After the great success of our exclusive interview with Vermaelen the editorial team in the Toppled Bollard public house, Islington, along with our friends at the Potters Bar Lido, have decided to expand this area of  our work, introducing a series of discussions with some of the leading characters from the world of quantum mechanics and football, today.

So first off we have got out the wobblyladder, shimmied up the old rungs, and pelted up and down the runway and been able to run up an interview with that well known star of stage, screen and the rubbish tip, Crouch the Taller, Doctor of  the Triumphs, Queen of the Cauliflower, Empress of Silicon.

Untold: I understand you have  recently moved into the restaurant business, your Imperial Highness.  Would you care to tell the readership of what and who and where it is  that you are?

Crouch: Yes that’s right.

Untold: And perchance the name of this centre of gravity?

Crouch: It’s ‘The Elevated Pig’ and it is in Gillingham, that heart of all evil, that wasteland in the centre of the mud plains, that chronicle of death…

Untold: Has it been a success?

Crouch: I don’t think you could call  it that – but then people in Gillingham don’t like restaurants.  In fact their are no people in Gillingham.  Just the slaughterhouse of civilisation.   So I have Quantumised the menu.

Untold: I think you have just moved  over the edge into mindless  crackpotery that is commonly associated with the Lane of the Wighter Harts.

Crouch: If you say that again I SHALL START SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS and then you’ll be sorry.

Untold: Can you do bold underline as well?

Crouch: The world of football is out to get me, and its not my fault, and the people of Gillingham are even worse.  It is a conspiracy.  They all hate me.  Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me.

Untold: And do you like the  Carry On movies?

Crouch: I know the location  of the Holy Grail.  But then I see them creeping around at nights, with their little blue knights, and their pink eyes and golden haircuts, fighting in the King’s Road, and deciphering the graphics in the grease and drug dens of Tottenham High Road.  They know I don’t have any friends and they are eating the cardboard in my sitting room to make me feel miserable, but it doesn’t work!  It won’t work!  My father was a lighthouse and  my mother was the Leaning Tower of Pisa, but still they are all against me even when I escape underground.

Untold: Against you?

Crouch: They all lean against me.  Or put their push bikes against my ankles.  They hate great and original thinkers like me.  They hounded Galileo when he played for Rotherham.  They teased Trotsky and tutted Tutten Carmon.

Untold: Tutten Carmen?

Crouch: The film star.  But why are you asking me all these questions?

Untold: So your restaurant…

Crouch: Holistic etherised vibrations resonate through the building leading to quantum magnetic healing.  I employ an interrogative quackometer for measuring ducks in appropriate frogidity, decophering doodles and dinking discographies.

Untold: So, Crouchypoodle baby, queen of the megastructure and dictator of the duality.  Gillingham?

Crouch: In Gillingham they have pubs with TVs on!  People gamble in Gillingham!  They pour oil down drains and  children walk  along the streets with dogs.  The locals are the hillbillies in the film Deliverance.  They are  freaks.  Have you not read my autobiography which deals extensively with the world of Gillingham?  It is all there.  [Editor’s note, this is quite true – you should read it.]

Untold: Ah yes, the infamous autobiography.  So you don’t like Gillingham?

Crouch: These people are not worthy of me thinking about them. I have writ, and I move on.  I am going to get back on the bus, go home and have a totally different life from them.

Untold: Did you make all that up – all that “hillbillies” stuff, when you wrote your autobiography.

Crouch: I don’t remember, it was the past and the past is a different planetarium.  Do you want to come to my restaurant?  I can give you a  50p voucher on a meal for  four.

Untold: What’s on the menu?

Crouch: Pig and Peach.  You take a pig and put a peach in its mouth, and then cook the peach in a quantum fruitloopery index kettle.

Untold: Is trade good?

Crouch: No.

Untold: Thank you twizzgoddle

Crouch: It’s been a coconut.

Untold Arsenal would like to thank the King of  Fruitloopery for his co-operation in unquantifying his  diliperismus.  Next: Arry Knapsack.


Editorial quanta from the Martioness of Rutland

This is not a book

My duck does not like pastry

Infamy infamy they’ve all got it infamy

Election Night Fever

One of those links is unexpected.

4 Replies to “The Untold Exclusive Interviews: Peter Crouch”

  1. 1. You didn’t ask him about the 2006 World Cup squad gamble – was he in on it, what with Lennon, Dawson and Walcott being part of it n all………..? The Swede got rich from it, Arsene got the French rich from it, did you get rich from it??!!
    2. You didn’t say whose PC you bugged to nick this…… all Arsenal websites seem to do PC bugging for some reason or other…….
    3. And you didn’t say whether Arsene paid you to do the bugging or checked out whether you were webbing around West Porno sites to get you to do it for nothing on threat of exposure in the News of The Wankers to be distributed on 7 Illegitimate Half-Sisters Road next weekend……
    4. You already told us you hate Myles Palmer so he won’t be doing it for you. How about Mr Lineker at the BBC??!! And will Adrian Chiles be getting up to it now his big daddy boss is Archie Norman, guru to the aspirant MP and PM, Lord Claret and Blue???
    5. Did you ask him whether he had money on St Nicholas Abbey or whether ‘Arry got a tip from Sir Alex to lay it, Sir Alex being so well in with Irish Racing gurus and all that…….?
    6. Did you ask him why Abby wasn’t wearing shorts while posing in England kit? Are his hips too narrow for her to get his on? Or was it just Umbro being cheap????
    7. And will he tell us pronto if we should lay Rio being in the World cup squad? All the Scottish journos need another hot tip you see……..
    8. Why didn’t John Motson do this chat-up?
    9. Is Chamakh’s final job spec to poison the Totts before the ECL qualifying game??
    10. Will you be doing one with Adebayor on how nice the weather in Manchester is??
    11. Will Arsenal finally hire another no. 11 who can play properly on the left wing please????

  2. Arsenal have a very low net spend but a very high wage bill and ticket prices

    it wld only be fair if we trophies but we dont

    this is all the proof you need to confirm the fans are the MUGS

  3. Good article, who-ever you are – although Galileo played for Rochdale not Rotherham, if I remember correctly.

    Are you possibly Finn? Or Fatt? Or whatever name he’s using today?

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