The Arsenal Exclusives
After the great success of our exclusive interview with Vermaelen the editorial team in the Toppled Bollard public house, Islington, along with our friends at the Potters Bar Lido, have decided to expand this area of our work, introducing a series of discussions with some of the leading characters from the world of quantum mechanics and football, today.
So first off we have got out the wobblyladder, shimmied up the old rungs, and pelted up and down the runway and been able to run up an interview with that well known star of stage, screen and the rubbish tip, Crouch the Taller, Doctor of the Triumphs, Queen of the Cauliflower, Empress of Silicon.
Untold: I understand you have recently moved into the restaurant business, your Imperial Highness. Would you care to tell the readership of what and who and where it is that you are?
Crouch: Yes that’s right.
Untold: And perchance the name of this centre of gravity?
Crouch: It’s ‘The Elevated Pig’ and it is in Gillingham, that heart of all evil, that wasteland in the centre of the mud plains, that chronicle of death…
Untold: Has it been a success?
Crouch: I don’t think you could call it that – but then people in Gillingham don’t like restaurants. In fact their are no people in Gillingham. Just the slaughterhouse of civilisation. So I have Quantumised the menu.
Untold: I think you have just moved over the edge into mindless crackpotery that is commonly associated with the Lane of the Wighter Harts.
Crouch: If you say that again I SHALL START SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS and then you’ll be sorry.
Untold: Can you do bold underline as well?
Crouch: The world of football is out to get me, and its not my fault, and the people of Gillingham are even worse. It is a conspiracy. They all hate me. Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me.
Untold: And do you like the Carry On movies?
Crouch: I know the location of the Holy Grail. But then I see them creeping around at nights, with their little blue knights, and their pink eyes and golden haircuts, fighting in the King’s Road, and deciphering the graphics in the grease and drug dens of Tottenham High Road. They know I don’t have any friends and they are eating the cardboard in my sitting room to make me feel miserable, but it doesn’t work! It won’t work! My father was a lighthouse and my mother was the Leaning Tower of Pisa, but still they are all against me even when I escape underground.
Untold: Against you?
Crouch: They all lean against me. Or put their push bikes against my ankles. They hate great and original thinkers like me. They hounded Galileo when he played for Rotherham. They teased Trotsky and tutted Tutten Carmon.
Untold: Tutten Carmen?
Crouch: The film star. But why are you asking me all these questions?
Untold: So your restaurant…
Crouch: Holistic etherised vibrations resonate through the building leading to quantum magnetic healing. I employ an interrogative quackometer for measuring ducks in appropriate frogidity, decophering doodles and dinking discographies.
Untold: So, Crouchypoodle baby, queen of the megastructure and dictator of the duality. Gillingham?
Crouch: In Gillingham they have pubs with TVs on! People gamble in Gillingham! They pour oil down drains and children walk along the streets with dogs. The locals are the hillbillies in the film Deliverance. They are freaks. Have you not read my autobiography which deals extensively with the world of Gillingham? It is all there. [Editor’s note, this is quite true – you should read it.]
Untold: Ah yes, the infamous autobiography. So you don’t like Gillingham?
Crouch: These people are not worthy of me thinking about them. I have writ, and I move on. I am going to get back on the bus, go home and have a totally different life from them.
Untold: Did you make all that up – all that “hillbillies” stuff, when you wrote your autobiography.
Crouch: I don’t remember, it was the past and the past is a different planetarium. Do you want to come to my restaurant? I can give you a 50p voucher on a meal for four.
Untold: What’s on the menu?
Crouch: Pig and Peach. You take a pig and put a peach in its mouth, and then cook the peach in a quantum fruitloopery index kettle.
Untold: Is trade good?
Untold: Thank you twizzgoddle
Crouch: It’s been a coconut.
Untold Arsenal would like to thank the King of Fruitloopery for his co-operation in unquantifying his diliperismus. Next: Arry Knapsack.
Editorial quanta from the Martioness of Rutland
One of those links is unexpected.
- Manchester City accused of over 100 breaches of Premier League financial rules
- Every club now knows how to beat Arsenal (according to reports)
- Guardiola’s excuse for losing to Tottenham reveals the quality of Arsenal
- So it wasn’t so bad after all. Arsenal still five points clear with a game in hand
- WSL Round Up – West Ham v Arsenal Sunday 18:45