Confirmed Arsenal complete 2 shock moves and other spoofs

By Dr Billy “the Dog” McGraw, head of psychiatry and odd behaviour at the University College Hospital of the North Circular Road.
It is like a drug I suppose.  You know it makes no sense at all, clowns to the left of me jokers to the right…
But still everyone has to keep reading, and you have to hand it to Goonernews they really do find all the jolly stuff which is so outrageous that you simply don’t have time to pick up the next pint of beer.
On this outing I shall look at the actual illness that the writer of this stuff suffers from, but first, I shall start with one that breaks the mould a little, in that it is actually about a transfer.  The headline is grossly misleading of course, but still, there is a real player involved and a slight chance he might be bound our way…
Now I should warn you that the “Welcome to the Emirates” bit is a trifle misleading, as it suggests the player is signed, medicalled and waving an Arsenal shirt.  But in fact, the story goes…

According to the Metro, Real Madrid may have pulled out of the race to sign Chile and Juventus midfielder, Arturo Vidal. The Juventus midfielder, who is currently with his teammates in the ongoing Copa America, is a player highly on demand.

A more realistic headline might be “Real Mad rumoured to have pulled out of rumoured deal for Vidal, it is rumoured.”

But moving on…

CONFIRMED: Arsenal COMPLETES 2 SHOCK Transfers! takes us back to the standard trickery and lunatic buffoonery.

You see how you have been fooled by the opening two lines…

Arsenal are undoubtedly on the lookout for world class stars ahead of next season, but the Gunners themselves will also lose a few of theirs as well.

Even worse, this news is so old its already turned up in the Anniversary Files…

Arsenal have officially confirmed the departure of Ryo Miyaichi and Semi Ajayi away from Arsenal to St. Pauli and Cardiff City respectively.

Trying with increasing desperation, I move on to…

Confirmed: Arsenal agree deal for WORLD CLASS striker, Arsenal fans reportedly jubilant with move

This surely must be it.  But when I clicked all I got was that same old sign…

Site note available

Still, without daunt (is there a word “daunt” – there should be as there is “undaunted”) I moved on and got another of the most popular duology of words on the planet: “Not Cech!”

DONE! Arsenal FINALLY AGREE Transfer For £110,000-a-week Star. NOT Cech!

I think I am not getting the hang of the fact that DONE! actually means we have sold someone.  In this case it is …

Arsenal’s German forward Lukas Podolski is set to leave the Emirates Stadium this summer after a three-season stint with the north London club.

Podolski is reportedly on his way to Turkey, after Istanbul club Galatasaray agreed a deal with Arsenal for the German forward.

But I am still in search of that real transfer story, and yes! this is like a drug, I have to go on and on and on and on clicking and clicking to find the story that really tells me Arsenal are signing someone.  This must be it…

Breaking News – €40m Arsenal Target To Have Medical On Monday, Personal Terms Agreed

Accoding {sic} to reports by high rated Italian journalist, Di Marzio, Arsenal target Geoffrey Kondogbia is set to sign for Inter Milan. This is coming days after news broke that the player has held discussion with Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger. According to reports, Wenger wants the player at the Emirates but if newer reports are anything to go by, it is either the discussion Wenger held with the player did not go well or Arsenal have been priced out.

Ah well, “set to” and “according to reports”.  Maybe that should be the headline of the next article.

According to reports all of this is a load of bollocks.

And the story reads

One guy running 20 little web sites from the shed at the bottom of his mum’s garden has admitted to making up 20 rumours a day to fuel his desperate desire to become famous by behaving in ever more ludicrous attention seeking ways.   (Yalom 1980 – look it up if you don’t believe me.  It’s called existential isolation, and is quite widely accepted as a problem).

In fact as Scientific American revealed in 2013 a desire for fame solely for the sake of being famous was the most popular future goal among a group of 10-12 year olds, overshadowing hopes for financial success, achievement, and a sense of community.

That gives us a clue.  But back to the patients.  Sorry bloggers…

Personal terms have been agreed as Arsenal to see shock transfer happen

Not so much of a shock in fact as this is one of the most touted stories on the internet.  David Ooooooooospina has reportedly agreed personal terms with Fenerbahce ahead of a summer transfer, according to the Metro website.

OFFICIAL: DONE & DUSTED Arsenal COMPLETES Yet Another Surprising Transfer

Transfer is hardly the word in this case.

Swansea City has appointed former Wales international Tony Roberts as the club’s new first-team goalkeeping coach.

Many have said the exit of Tony Roberts to Swansea is a clear proof Cech to arsenal deal will be announced anytime soon, as there have been reports that Cech will be bringing his own personal Coach to the Emirates.

Actually not that many, mostly this kid in his shed suffering from existential isolation.

HUGE! Wenger Set To Spend SHOCK £30Million For GIFTED MIDFIELDER

OK it is getting a bit boring now but in this scenario Arsenal have moved ahead of Manchester United, Chelsea and Manchester City in the race to sign highly talented midfield star.

Julian Draxler could be making a shock move to the Emirates Stadium this summer according to sources in Germany.

The Metro claim Arsenal have moved a step closer to signing the Schalke midfield star, with the German international reportedly set for a move to the Premier League this summer.

And there we have it.  A desperate desire for fame and 50p earned by people mistakenly clicking on links because the screen keeps on tricking them as to which button should be clicked.

My advice is: don’t click any of them.  These guys need help.

The books (which are not written from a sense of existential isolation, or so I am told).

Woolwich Arsenal: The club that changed football – Arsenal’s early years

Making the Arsenal – how the modern Arsenal was born in 1910

The Crowd at Woolwich Arsenal

12 Replies to “Confirmed Arsenal complete 2 shock moves and other spoofs”

  1. I guess making stories up in your mums shed is preferable to walking into the nearest high school with an AK47. Although swapping the high school for Odd Trafford, Anfield or WHL wouldn’t be such a bad alternative……

  2. I have just seen a headline saying “Arsenal lose Kondogbia race”…. I’m pretty sure someone somewhere is frothing at the mouth, having a go at the club for “missing out”, “again”. Total madness.

  3. Andy Mac
    You are sick!
    Don’t even suggest such things on a public forum or you might be getting a deserved knock on your door

  4. It’s in pretty poor taste Andy.

    the transfer stories will continue to rumble on; in the age of 24 hour, immediate and up to date news, content is king. Regardless of it’s content.

    You only need to watch how the 24 hour news channels work; repeating the same headlines over and over, every 15 minutes or so, until something new comes up.

  5. I wonder why the hell should we sell Ospina… The guy was blindingly doin well. Even blind Freddie could see that! Worse of all, News of Joel Campbell leaving…Why?! All the planet know He can offer many services to us, and even though it’s not been confirmed yet, the rumor of it bugs me! In Arsene’s eyesI wonder why the hell should we sell Ospina… The guy was blindingly doin well. Even blind Freddie could see that! Worse of all, , Campbell doesn’t deserve to play ahead of superstars like Sanogo abs Giroud!!! Utter balls!

  6. Did that kid write that headline about ,…” The burning question of the purchase of disputed areas around Tottenham for their new stadium development.” ?
    No ? Then it must be me then !
    In my defence ,I do it right out in the open ( write , I mean !) as I’m quite claustrophobic .
    Did the kid also predict the Cech move ? Or did he start the whole musical chair GK farce ?

  7. As my comments may be misconstrued ( Oh, how I wish !) , and to prevent Billy and UA from getting sued , as well as informing the public of its proper meaning and usage , here’s the definition of ‘burning question’ in its right context (yeah right !) – from

    An urgent or crucial issue under heated discussion. For example, Real estate taxes are always a burning question for the town leaders. This term has exact equivalents in French ( question brûlante) and German ( brennende Frage). [Mid-1800s ]

  8. Shit happens …..

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

    Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

    In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

    A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

    The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost!”

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