By Sir Hardly Anyone
You have to be sorry for the bloggetta writers, day after day after whatnot pumping out the same dross telling us that player after player has already been signed, is on his way, has been seen in the estate agents with his mother etc etc.
Only to find none of it happened, to ignore that fact, and then pump out more of the same the next day.
Indeed when I reported five days ago these were the big names all about to sign.
- Granit Xhaka for £37m from Borussia Monchen Whatnot.
- Andriy Yarmolenko, £25million for 13 goals in 22 games this season.
- Nolito of Celta Vigo who apparently created 96 goalscoring opportunities in 2014/15. As long as he’s not nicking a living then. A snip at £12.6m
- Goncalo Guedes of Benfica. He’s a winger, I’m told.
Did I miss it, or have we not signed them after all?
Go back to the 18th and we had
- Mauricio Brozovic from Dinamo Zagreb to Arsenal
- Paris Saint Germain striker Edison Cavani to Arsenal
- Granit Xhaka from Borussia thingythingy to Arsenal
- Aaron Ramsey from Arsenal to Barcelona.
What’s really funny is that most of these transfers only last a day or two, and then we are on to something else.
But anyway thanks to the magnificent awareness campaign run remorselessly by, err, me, their power is on the decline, their daily numbers are down down down, and several of the silly little beings have actually gone totally quiet. But a few remain and here is their gibberish.
Here, just to show we ain’t forgotten them, is what ten of them are saying. We will of course come back and check on them later….
1: Arsenal to complete second World Class January signing after Player asks to join the club personally
2: Arsenal close to agreeing deal with Bundesliga side for£10.5m star
3: Breaking: Alexis Sanchez Leaving Arsenal? Superstar Revealed his Future Plans to Media
4: Arsenal could sign him for£25M
5: Spanish giants snubbed as Arsenal agree£31.5m deal
6: Henry: Wenger Should Have Benched This Ace Instead Of Giroud Yesterday
7: Massive news BREAKING out of the Arsenal camp ahead of Chelsea game
8: Wenger Not Done This January As Report Claims Boss Is Preparing To Complete Two More Signings
9: Forgotten Arsenal Player To Finally Return To Full Training Today
10: Arsenal in key player injury blow after Chelsea defeat
You can fill in the names you want, since none of it is true, any more than the injury stories all these years were true.
Elsewhere in the make-it-up-as-you-go-along-press we have
Aubameyang: Borussia Dortmund chief executive Hans-Joachim Watzke has warned that not even a bid totalling £75 million would be enough to prise the Gabon striker from Dortmund.
Arsenal to sign the next Anthony Martial? After missing out on the actual Anthony Martial, Arsene Wenger is reportedly close to securing the signature of the next incarnation of the French striker. L’Equipe says Giles Grimandi is on a mission to persuade Kylian Mbappe to join the club. He’s 17.
Jack Wilshere was not in the estate agent selling his house after all but had just dropped in to see his sister who works there, and will now sign a new five-year-deal
Real Madrid will allow Isco to leave and Arsenal will get him on the grounds that he is little and plays in midfield.
Benfica’s Goncalo Guedes is 19 has played twice for Portugal, scored three times in 21 league games and Luis Boa Morte is out there chatting him up.
Athletic Bilbao have convinced Inaki Williams to sign a new contract so he’s not going anywhere. Or alternatively he is going to Man City. Or maybe Arsenal are still in the hunt for him. It is all rather confusing.
A BIG DEAL has been made out of the “fact” (sorry FACT!) that apparently Arsenal ‘must notify Real of intention to sell to any other Spanish club’. What strikes me as odd in this one is that is a fairly common clause inserted by clubs anxious that their sale of a player to a club in another league is not a ruse for the player immediately to be transferred back to a rival.
Debuchy set for Villa loan. Arsenal have agreed to allow Mathieu Debuchy to move on loan to Aston Villa until the end of the season, according to the Evening Standard but I think we knew that.
Back in the Metro Arsenal have made a second transfer offer to sign Leicester City defender Ben Chilwell, according to reports and have been widely reported to have already made a £3million bid for his services.
Further afield in Bilbao, Arsenal are also keeping tabs on Athletic Bilbao 21-year-old goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga, according to Don Balon. The player is currently out on loan at Real Valladolid, where his performances have caught the eye of Arsene Wenger’s scouting network.
The Daily Telegraph, one of the main institutions of the totally fabricated story about Arsenal having more injuries than anyone else, year after year after year, still has a poll in which people are invited to vote on how many transfers Arsenal need. And it isn’t moving much. 76% say one to three, pretty much as before. So no news there.
Ian Wright wants Pep Guardiola to become Arsenal manager and to bring Lionel Messi with him. (The Metro)
And finally the dodgy one. Here’s the Daily Star take but it is in quite a few papers…
Arsenal are set to complete the signings of Kelechi Nwakali and Samuel Chukwueze by the end of next week, with Arsenal waiting for work permits to be issued before the transfers are completed.
Nwakali, 17, is a talented central midfielder while 16-year-old Chukwueze is a pacy winger who can also play up front.
OK, so what about the rules about bringing under 18s into the EU? Well, as we pointed out, it is ok if one of the parents or a legal guardian is in the country already or moves for genuine non-footballing purposes. I am sure that Arsenal wouldn’t get this wrong, not with Real Mad, Atletico Mad and Barce Bonkers all getting caught out.
- 26 January 1925: WHU 1 Arsenal 0 (at Stamford Bridge). The second replay of the FA Cup match that was the scene of the Arsenal drugs scandal. Curiously the only source for the story is the man who dished out the drugs to the team: the Arsenal manager who claimed he didn’t know the man who offered him the pills.
- 26 January 1957: Ex player Freddie Cox DFC started his most famous FA Cup run as a manager of Bournemouth, beating Wolverhampton Wanderers and Tottenham Hotspur before narrowly losing to Man U.
- When TV, radio and the newspapers invent a football story with no basis in fact, what’s happening?
- Destroying the game: how the stand off between Sky and fans over fixture changes can be resolved
- Death by ankle tap: A most curious moment in the history of Arsenal
Insult of the day
Your means are very slender, and your waste is very great. (Henry IV Part 2.)