As the news just gets worse and worse (Diaby is now out) a letter sent by an national association to Arsenal with each player who is used by the country has been leaked to Untold Arsenal. We print it below:
Dear Sir / Madam,
Thank you for providing [player name] for our use during the recent glorious and exciting international round of international matches with our glorious and exciting country in the current match round.
We are pleased to return [player name] to you for your safekeeping until we need him again.
You will notice that [player name] is actually unable to play at the moment owning to an injury of some description. We don’t quite know what it is, as we didn’t have any medical staff at the game or the training camp (in order to save on costs of course) but we were able to borrow a medical dictionary from the TV crew, and you will be glad to know the condition is not life threatening.
Or if it is life threatening, it is not life threatening between now and the next international match.
The next round of matches is in August and you will appreciate just how important it is for your players to be fit and well for these games. The national pride of their country depends on it!
So no slacking at your end.
You will therefore see to it that the player gets the very best medical attention, is properly trained and is, as you say, “raring to go.” We don’t want him playing any football – that must be for us to undertake – you just have to get him fit. And pay him.
That’s not too much to ask.
Any suggestion by you or by anyone associated with you that any player we pick is injured prior to an international will not be tolerated, and any player who you claim is injured must report directly to our doctor (Mr Ivan Idea) who has a GCSE grade D in biology. His decision will be final.
Should you fail to meet your obligations in this matter our good mate Mr Sepp “If you ask what my salary is I will send the boys round” Blatter, and he will shoot you and and any members of your playing staff who are not selected to play for us.
Remember, play up and play the game!
PS: Please don’t forget to send us any players who have who are not selected as ball boys. We’ve asked for this before but you have ignored us. We have several members of the Leader’s family who are partial to ball boys and they will be annoyed if you do not meet with this request. We will also tell FIFA and Mr Blatter will sit on you.
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