Untold: It is a great honour to be talking to you Mr Cappuccino.
Cappuccino: Yes it is
Untold: And may I say how improved your English is
Cappuccino: Yes you can.
Untold: So what message of hope do you bring to the fans of England’s football team now the world cup is over?
Cappuccino: We did not fail. If you analyse the statistics you will see that we were the most successful club with a headquarters within one mile of the North Circular Road. What’s more we achieved what we did with the oldest team ever to play in a world cup finals. And we exposed the cheating nature of most teams by insisting that our team was English. Unlike Algeria.
Untold: How was that exactly?
Cappuccino: Ten of their starting players in the Algeria game were born in France, but none of our players were born in France. I rest my case. We should be in the semis. I want players with enough intelligence to open their mouths to eat, but no more. Then we will win.
Untold: So how will you be successful next time?
Cappuccino: I have a ten point plan, which the FA have agreed with me. With this we cannot fail. Ten points is good because as Shakespeare said, it’s always just when the team is doing particularly well and feeling particularly braced with things in general that Germans sneak up behind them with the bit of lead piping.
Untold: Please elucidate
Cappuccino: I shall do more than that. But first, here’s the plan. One, we shall be the only country in the world cup that is racially pure. Germany didn’t produce good players for a long time. They bring them in and change their nationalities.
Untold: Like the English cricket team?
Cappuccino: Jérôme Boateng has a German mother, Lukas Podolski was born in Poland, Miroslav Klose is Polish, Ozil’s father is Turkish, Khedira’s father is Tunisian, Cacau is Brazilian. I will not do this. My predecessor (Sven) wanted to go down this route, and so he impregnated all the women in London to see if he could produce super-players who were Swedish-English but I fooled him and didn’t pick any of them. I do not trust foreigners. They are fundamentally unsound.
Untold: So it is going to be a racially pure team for you from now on. But what about age?
Cappuccino: I was managing the nursery school team when I was five. I don’t know what I did before that. Just played around I suppose. But now I am going to get rid of dead wood. Any player who is dead such as John Terry (mentally dead) or Rio Ferdinand (logistically dead) will be dropped. I am going to bring in the youth as long as they are racially pure and English.
Untold: Just not quite like you then?
Cappuccino: I will blood the youngsters. I have already attacked Theo with a carving knife just to show you. Wilshere will be cut soon and Clichy, if they are really English.
Untold: What about tactics?
Cappuccino. I have new tactics – I will make sure that no one in the FA – me, the players, the secretaries – no one pays tax.
Untold: I said tactics.
Cappuccino. For the match against Hungary I will not play 5-5-0 like in the world cup but instead I will play 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 which is a revolution, and is tactically pure, to go with my racially pure approach. I will also ensure that players pay no tax. Tax is the cause of England’s failure, and if we don’t pay tax then the players’ minds will be pure and clear ready for the game.
Untold: Anything more, your gratuitousness?
Cappuccino. I will foster team spirit. Everyone will be given a pint of Fosters before during and after the game. I cannot fail. Any move that can be undertaken legally in football, is a legal move.
Cappuccino: I will make the players happy. My players in South Africa had a deep rooted sadness which showed through their game. You could see that they had all been putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the reservoir, before taking in a bit of ticket selling and drug dealing on the side, and all before turning up at the training ground onto to find the beer had all gone. I will stop this and we will move faster. Some of my players were so dispirited at breakfast they often told me to drink it myself.
Untold: And did you?
Cappuccino. Nothing travels slower than the speed of the Football Association – except on occasion England’s defence, attack and midfield during an international match. My racially pure team will change that. From now on we measure against a new standard – Triesmans. The fastest speed possible (be it in thought change or physical movement) for a member of the FA is 100 Triesmans when moving around a desk which is something about 1 mile per week. I will improve this.
Untold: I don’t quite…
Cappuccino: The Philosophy and Racial Harmony Department have advised me.
Untold: Is that part of the faculty of Religious Studies and Water Polo?
Cappuccino. I have a computer. But with a missing memory chip. But soon I will be better. What you don’t realise is that all the memories of players and officials in the FA have been wiped clean so we can start again without carrying the burden of whatever happened in South Africa which I have now forgotten. I have arranged that anyone attempting to approach my office at Wembley will be bitten by a dead pig.
Untold: Mr Cappuccino – should you not lie down? Or possibly be shot to put us all out of our misery?
Cappuccino: Grovelling despondently is better than arriving. The FA now has the greatest team of soothsayers ever employed in any football association within the universe, and with our policy of ensuring that everyone can trace their Englishness back five generations we will produce a team of supermen who can leap the traffic jam on the A406 in a single bound.
Untold: Mr Cappuccino, there is a view that no one as silly as you could actually exist.
Cappuccino: I rest my case.
Untold: Thank you sir. It has been enlightening. The world once made sense, but you have made it clearer….
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