By Sir Hardly Anyone
Yes I know it is hard to believe, and yes it has taken years of hard work, but finally scientists have now produced a translator that translates from journalistic gibberish to English.
So without ado further here and forthwith are the current top transfer tales, complete with an approximate realisation in English.
1: DONE! Aubameyang Completes London Move: Dortmund Table Bid For Replacement
English: We read another blog and what they said is Borussia Dortmund are considering a move for Sevilla striker Wissam Ben Yedder as a possible replacement in the turns of possible events of losing their prolific forward this winter but we have no evidence for the veracity of this.
2: Done Deal: Jersey No. 45 Assigned, Piers Morgan Confirms New Arsenal Signing –
English: Some childish fantasy land of Morgan’s now seems to indicate he actually believes he has influence and is not a person whose antics people follow because no one can believe anyone could be that childish.
3: Awesome!! Top Midfielder All Set To Sign Deal With Arsenal, It’s Finally Happening
English: Ozil is getting a contract extension
4: Deal Agreed: World-Class No.9 Ready to Join Arsenal
English: Real Madrid centre-forawrd Karim Benzema has allegedly agreed to make the switch to Arsenal. However, Arsenal won’t pay the money required.
5: Star man on his way to Arsenal after club sign his replacement
Source: Arsenal News HQ
English: Arsenal are favourites to sign West Brom’s Jonny Evans… according to reports.
6: Aubameyang to Arsenal takes a massive positive twist, Dortmund signing replacement
Source: Giants Football News
English: Borrussia Dortmund are thinking about buying Wissam Ben Yedder if Aubameyang leaves but there is no news as to whether Yedder wants to move or if his club want to let him go.
7: OFFICIAL Statement About Aubameyang Transfer To Arsenal
English: we cut and pasted the official statement which says he can go if Arsenal meet all our demands and they haven’t.
8: £52.3m-rated striker agrees terms to sign Arsenal deal – Not Aubameyang
Source: Giants Football News
English: we cut and pasted a really old rumour from the Daily Mirror that says that Arsenal want to sign Karim Benzema. And we added the one third of a million at the end to make it look more believable.
9: Real Madrid striker agrees to join Arsenal
English: see above
10: Sky Sports: New update on Aubameyang transfer to Arsenal negotiations
English: Everyone else is running this story so we thought we should too.
And there you are. A complete Journo-English dictionary. Probably wasn’t worth it, was it?
For something a little more realistic you might enjoy 1919: The first Christmas for the new expanded league
- Arsenal v Leicester footnote: bad runs and past games
- Arsenal v Leicester; the injuries, the team, recent games, ludicrous predictions
- Arsenal v Leicester: comparing the form, and the goalscorers
- Arsenal v Leicester: how will the ref handle Leicester’s multiple tackling?
- What sort of referee is Darren England? The statistics reveal some odd facts.