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UNIQUE! All the latest transfer rumours translated into normal English

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Yes I know it is hard to believe, and yes it has taken years of hard work, but finally scientists have now produced a translator that translates from journalistic gibberish to English.

So without ado further here and forthwith are the current top transfer tales, complete with an approximate realisation in English.

1: DONE! Aubameyang Completes London Move: Dortmund Table Bid For Replacement

Source: goonerrepublic.com

English: We read another blog and what they said is Borussia Dortmund are considering a move for Sevilla striker Wissam Ben Yedder as a possible replacement in the turns of possible events of losing their prolific forward this winter but we have no evidence for the veracity of this.

2: Done Deal: Jersey No. 45 Assigned, Piers Morgan Confirms New Arsenal Signing –

Source: goonerrepublic.com

English: Some childish fantasy land of Morgan’s now seems to indicate he actually believes he has influence and is not a person whose antics people follow because no one can believe anyone could be that childish.

3: Awesome!! Top Midfielder All Set To Sign Deal With Arsenal, It’s Finally Happening

Source: beyondtheposts.net

English: Ozil is getting a contract extension

4: Deal Agreed: World-Class No.9 Ready to Join Arsenal

Source: footballfacts.net

English: Real Madrid centre-forawrd Karim Benzema has allegedly agreed to make the switch to Arsenal. However, Arsenal won’t pay the money required.

5: Star man on his way to Arsenal after club sign his replacement

Source: Arsenal News HQ

English: Arsenal are favourites to sign West Brom’s Jonny Evans… according to reports.

6: Aubameyang to Arsenal takes a massive positive twist, Dortmund signing replacement

Source: Giants Football News

English:  Borrussia Dortmund are thinking about buying Wissam Ben Yedder if Aubameyang leaves but there is no news as to whether Yedder wants to move or if his club want to let him go.

7: OFFICIAL Statement About Aubameyang Transfer To Arsenal

Source: ArsenalInsidernews.com

English: we cut and pasted the official statement which says he can go if Arsenal meet all our demands and they haven’t.

8:  £52.3m-rated striker agrees terms to sign Arsenal deal – Not Aubameyang

Source: Giants Football News

English: we cut and pasted a really old rumour from the Daily Mirror that says that Arsenal want to sign  Karim Benzema. And we added the one third of a million at the end to make it look more believable.

9:  Real Madrid striker agrees to join Arsenal

Source: Eyefootball.com

English: see above

10: Sky Sports: New update on Aubameyang transfer to Arsenal negotiations

Source: RedLondon.net

English: Everyone else is running this story so we thought we should too.

And there you are.  A complete Journo-English dictionary.   Probably wasn’t worth it, was it?

For something a little more realistic you might enjoy 1919: The first Christmas for the new expanded league

 

8 comments to UNIQUE! All the latest transfer rumours translated into normal English

  • Mark Overmoon

    Vague and misleading headlines? Surely not…

  • Mark Overmoon

    Personally, I don’t blame these ‘blogettas’ as you very aptly refer to them, but rather those who click on the links and perpetuate their existence.

  • Nitram

    Mark Overmoon

    Isn’t that like saying, I don’t blame the media for creating ‘fake’ news, but rather those that believe it.

    Hardly justification is it?

  • SamuelAkinsolaAdebosin

    If at all Arsenal have it their minds to sign Jonny Evans this window, the possibility of that signing happening on or before the deadline day is looking remote and could be off the table as Evans was reported to have suffered a hamsring injury in the WBA FA Cup match away to Liverpool yesterday. But as to what grade the hamstring is, it was not made known. But if Arsenal are still interested to sign a top centreback this window, I think if they redirect their radar to Ahmed Hegazi, the Egyptian centreback at WBA, he could give Arsenal a big value for their money as his asking transfer fee by WBA should be far less than the £25m they are demanding for Jonny Evans this window.

    And regarding to the likelihood of Arsenal completing the deal for the signing of Aubameyang from Borussia Dortmund this window after their reported 2nd bidding fee of over £50m to sign the striker was rejected by Dortmund, Arsenal may not make a 3rd bidding to sign the player. For, Arsenal who are being guided by Stat DNA that must have said the over £50m fee Arsenal have submitted to sign the player is enough to get him signed and should not exceed the amount. But despite Stat DNA assessment on the player transfer fee limit, but if Arsenal are still keen to bring the player to the Emirates Stadium this January window, they may take one last extra step on deadline day to launch a 3rd and final bidding for the player signing closer to Dortmund asking fee to do the business. But not all the fee they are asking for the player would Arsenal submit.

  • finsbury

    Off topic

    Lee Mason eh?
    The home crowd in n5 once seranaded this mule from Riley’s stable. Rightfully so.

    There is nothing wrong is asking why the people who say they care about English Football should be tolerating these hapless and incompetent clowns.

  • Menace

    I’ll say it again!

    VAR – what is it good for?

    Absolutely nothing!

    I’ll say it again ‘VAR’ – what is it good for?

    Absolutely nothing!

    Whooa Whooa Whoooooa ah!

    All in all it’s just another brick in the wall.

  • Or VAR is being intentionally undermined by misuse, by those incumbents, who are as incurably bent as Stephen Fry and Kevin Spacey, holding hands at a chemsex festival.

    I actually have a load of time for both men, so don’t sue me! Kevin, just tell them it’s obviously cultural, and don’;t be held to randsome. Stevie, I used your title and positive expression of appropriate swearing to win a case, latterly.

    I mean really, don’t sue me, it was my opinion, in jest!

  • Jammy

    Dwain – “who are as incurably bent as Stephen Fry and Kevin Spacey, holding hands at a chemsex festival.” – Lovely bit of light homophobia there.

    “I actually have a load of time for both men” – What?! You ACTUALLY have time for both men, even though they’re gay?! Wow, that’s so admirable!

    Although, I do agree that VAR is intentionally being misused.