Forget Torreira, Monreal replacement, drop Xhaka, bring back Joel, buy another keeper, sign Son

By Sir Hardly Anyone, knight in the shires (daytime in bed)

It is a good rule for the football commentator never to apologise.   The right of people do not want apologies and the wrong sort only take a mean advantage of your discomfort when you utter the words “I got it wrong”.

Such is the rule of the transfer reporter who also carries the adage that of all the sad words that could be writ, the saddest of all are “It might have been – but in the end wasn’t.”   Hence the journalist motto, “never apologise for getting it wrong – it would take up the whole paper and no one would read it.”

For you must understand that the life of the rumour monger is that of a man (or woman for the fairer sex have now discovered making stuff up as a way of making dosh) whose life has lacked somehow the sublimer emotions which once upon a time raised mankind to the level of the gods.  He or she has never experienced the thrill of ambition fulfilled but on the other hand has never known the agony of ambition frustrated.

The rumour monger’s name when she or he dies will not live for a day beyond the passing of the drinks at the funeral, and thus the monger is spared the pain of worry for such a person has no desire other than to earn the money for the next pint and whisky chaser.   She or he is in fact as nearly contented as a human being can be having no ambition, no talent and no reason to live other than to raise expectations and then dash them again.

So with that settled let us see what these lowest of the low have to say…   here we go with the latest rumours.

Part the First: Replace Nacho

According to The Sports Review Arsenal want to sign Real Betis defender Junior Firpo to replace Nacho Monreal, according to a “report” (ho hum).   But I think if we do buy a left back, it will be a younger player like Firpo, who will first play the cup games and be a stand in for Monreal when he is injured or he scowls once too often, and can then ease his way in.

But this young fella-me-lad is going to cost about £22m and that seems a bit over the top as a way of doing backup stuff.

Part the second: Sell a kiddie

Meanwhile Tafari Moore has joined Plymouth Argyle of League One who have announced the news with the imaginative headline “One Moore through the Door”.  Ho ho.   He was on loan at Wycombe last season.

Part the third: How to be boorishly boorish.