By Sir Hardly Anyone
A certain football journalist — for such men, I regret to say, do exist — has made the remark that my last column contained ‘all the same football transfer rumours stories but just with different players’ names inserted’. I have asked the secret police to do him over (once they have stopped protecting Lord Trump of Trumpington in Scotland) but if he survives that one he will not be able to make a similar comment about today’s column. For today with my superior wit and intelligence, in this report we have all the same old football rumours but with the same player names. Pretty silly it will make him feel, I rather fancy.
For imagine, if you will, what it must be like to be a fantasist (official name, “journalist”) covering Arsenal. £70m expenditure was announced as the pot of money available, and it’s all been spent. But there are still a few weeks to go before the buying spree is officially over as the Premier League agreed to end the summer window on the Thursday before the start of the season – rather than August 31 as before.
So what to talk about?
Selling, which can go on to the end of the month, is a possibility, and several sites have opted to talk about selling a goalkeeper – Ospina seems more than likely to go, Cech could drop down to being the Cup keeper and Leno becomes the league keeper. Cech and Martinez were the keepers for the Boreham Wood game so that still seems the likely outcome.
And they can give us reasons for transfers not happening. For here is what we have…
1: The release clause went up. This unlikely scenario in the midst of a transfer window was cited with Cristian Pavon of Boca Juniors according to AS. Do they really re-write contracts with a player during the transfer window?
2: We are not going to tell you what’s going on. This was the case when Football London ran the headline “Emery delivers shock transfer message, star rejects Man United for Arsenal”. There was no confirmation what that meant or who it was about .
3: The double speculation. As with “FC Barcelona youngster confirms exit amid Arsenal transfer talk” in which The Sport Review told us that Joel Lopez had confirmed that he will be leaving FC Barcelona this summer amid talk of a move to Arsenal. He might stay or leave. It might be Arsenal or someone else.
4: The demand that isn’t. “How many?! Unai Emery makes surprising captains demand” turned up in various guises – this particular one came from
5: The everyday becomes a story. As with “Laurent Koscielny issues another promising injury update to Arsenal supporters” That was
6: “Arsenal man could head to Boca Juniors for £6m” which really takes us back to the start. David Ospina could be going to Boca Juniors this summer, “according to reports”. That’s in Sport Review. It pops up all the time.
7: They are stealing our administrators. “Milan want Arsenal CEO as new President”.
8: Not even a rumour: “Swoop on £18m-rated attacker would give their cutting edge back to Arsenal” and we are big in the fantasy land of Pavon the incisive winger Arsenal really need at this stage” was the headline, and watching the opening jog about against Boreham Wood I am not sure Arsenal really need anyone. Yes The Wood are not Manchester City, but I still not sure “really need” is right.
9: If in doubt use the old standby: tell us who we didnt get. “Premier League rivals beat Arsenal to capture of £26.5m midfielder.” This is long-term interest in OGC Nice’s Ivory Coast international”. And because we were sloppy he went to Fulham. Who are of course always our rivals in transfers.
10: Or write some total drivel. 4th official tells us of “3 Replacements For Portuguese Ace On Atletico Madrid Radar At Arsenal Including This German”… They start from an “analysis” that says “The team currently lacks a feasible option in the attacking department and one can only classify Alex Iwobi as the outright winger in the squad. That is certainly astonishing to see that a club of Arsenal’s calibre doesn’t have many options down the wide region and signing a winger can be termed as a topmost priority for the club.”
And from that fantasy they go on to say “Gelson Martins has been a target for Arsenal in the recent times, however, latest reports are suggesting that the player can make his way to Atletico Madrid and Portuguese media is saying that the deal has been confirmed. The deal is said to be worth €15m and also involves two Atletico Madrid youngsters going the other way and joining the Portuguese outfit Sporting CP, the players being Luciano Vietto and André Moreira.”
If one considers this in relation to the fact that Arsenal have forward line options of Mkhitaryan, Lacazette, Auba, Reine-Adelaide, Nketiah, Perez, Ozil that is certainly a claim and a half to make. But why stop making things up? It’s easier than research.
More anon I’m sure.
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