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Billy the Dog’s match preview – Arsenal welcome The Creature from The Black Lagoon.

Arsenal welcome The Creature from the Black Lagoon

By Billy The Dog McGraw, Landlord of the Toppled Bollard, Islington.

At the heart of the matter there are three creatures. Oysten the Greater, Oysten the Lesser, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

All three have a significant part to play in the world of Blackpudlian footballing, and to understand them as they attend our glorious stadium to meet the very cream of footballing excellent, we need to delve into their historic origins, past glories, and occasional follies.

Blackpool has a long and honorable past, being home to the ancient tribe, the Setantii (“dwellers in the water”) who later went on to invent a TV sports channel that utlimately went bust.  We shall return to the theme of bust-ness later in the text.

The name “Blackpool” comes from a historic drainage channel called Spen Dyke that ran over a peat bog into the Black Lagoon near the Irish Sea.  People from the area were so black from fishing in the dark water that they were known as Blackpudlians or “Creatures from the Black Lagoon”, after a 12,000-year-old animal skeleton (the Carleton Elk) was found at Blackpool Sixth Form College.

A Black Lagoon football club playing in the 1880s and getting crowds of 2000 or so, became founder members of the Lancashire Black Pudding League in 1889 and so the game took on its first alien life form.

For all the while, unknown to the local populace, the Creature did indeed lurk in the Black Lagoon, a sort of Harry Redknapp in terms of looks but with brains.

In these early days the club was seen to be very forward looking as they lost 90% of their capitalization in their first year in the league, and moved into debt, thus announcing to the world they were indeed a proper football club who were blazing a trail for the way football was to be played in years to come.

Wages in that first year were 75% of their income – thus making Blackpool a 21st century club living in the 19th century.  Time travel was alleged and they were thrown out of the league and they changed the location of their ground every other week.

Meanwhile over the years the Creature from the Black Lagoon grew in strength, and Adolf Hitler (on hearing of the Creature) ordered that the town should not be bombed for fear of releasing it from its murky pit.

But one bomb did hit the ancient black waterway and the Creature emerged, rampant, dirty, and full of filthy tactics.  (A bit like Shawcross really).   So great was the subsequent demand to see the Evil Being among demented folk from the north of the country that in 1975 the M55 was built making the Blackness the centre of the original day trip to hell.

It was soon after this that another being, the first of the  “Oyston” clan, appeared: Oyston the Grand, Oyston the First, Oyston the Greater – his names were legion.

This new Being, we’ll settle on the name Oyston the Greater, appeared in the shape of an estate agent  who gobbled up all the property in the village of the Pool of Blackness, before finally buying Blackpool FC itself in 1988.  Oyston the Greater promised the natives a world-class stadium within 10 years.  Oh how we laughed, and beneath the waves the evil Creature (that’s the one from beneath the pond, not the Oyston chap) growled its displeasure.

The Oyston grew and flourished buying up radio stations, modeling agencies and the Miss World contest   Beauty and the beast (as it were).

But then Oyston the Greater was charged with four rape charges and some indecent assaults.  The fellow pleaded not g. and was cleared of all charges save one of rape.

Then rather curiously in 1996 the Oyston the Greater was offered Manchester United FC.  Would the fans of Man IOU have been happier with the Oyston  rather than the Glaze or would they have preferred the Creature from the Black Lagoon?  These are simple northern folk, so who can tell, but the Creature stirred again awaiting its destiny.

In the final rape trial Mr Oyston the Greater denied the charge, claiming there was a conspiracy involving two government ministers, the Fraud Squad, the Inland Revenue, the Drugs Squad, the City’s regulatory takeover body, and the Sunday Times.  This last was always fairly unlikely given that newspapers never investigate anything and Oyston the Greater won substantial damages, costs and an apology from the Sunday Times.

But in December 1997 Oyston the Greater lost his appeal against conviction at the Court of Appeal in London, and so had to serve six year jail sentence. The Radio Authority said he was not a fit and proper person to own a radio station.  And the FA said, well, nothing at all.   Six years inside for the rape of a 16 year old which he denied?  No problem sir – you just carry on with your little football club.

And the Creature from the Black Lagoon stirred again, and was mighty displeased.

In fact Oyston the Greater voluntarily stood down as chairman of Blackpool F.C. He was released in December 1999, and he still maintains his innocence over the rape issue, (although he has never spoken on the issue of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.)  An appeal to the European Court of Human Things for the conviction for rape to be overturned failed on the grounds that it was “manifestly ill-founded”.

Oyston the Greater is still a director of Blackpool FC (and thus a fit and proper person in the eyes of the FA, and who are we to say that a person found guilty of the rape of a woman aged around 16 is not), and is the majority shareholder in this dinky club.

But then a creaturette from the country of the black Lagoon emerged, (Oyston The Lesser), also known as Karl, and took on the mantle of running the FC and he was chairman until 18th of this month when he resigned from the board of directors.

On the 19th inst Oyston the Lesser applied for bankruptcy – an interesting move since his dad (Oyston the Greater) is reported on Wiki to be a multi-millionaire.

But it seems  the Greater does not want to lend the Lesser a few bob to help him out.

And once more the Creature stirs.

But we must note one other point.  Much of Blackpool’s recent success has come from the introduction of electric power in the area which arrived in the spring of 2007, replacing the candles and natural gas that bubbled up through the lagoon.  Indeed in 1879, the area had become the first municipality in the world to be powered by lagoon mud – which was also used to power the local tram system that still runs to and from the local cotton mills.

By 2008 the town had a population of 1,250 (excluding Creatures and Creaturettes) and could accommodate six or seven sight seers at any one time.

Thus itself today that Blackpool return to Arsenal for the first time in 286 years.  But who will be with them?    The club did once have a player called Matt Hughes, but he took a day trip once and has not been seen for a while so he won’t be there.  A Ball also played for them as well as Arsenal but it is said  the Creature once ate him, so he won’t be there either.

So we must be on the look out as to who enters the director’s entrance, past the bust of Herbert C, and on up the golden staircase.  Will it be Oysten the Greater, or Oysten the Lesser, or the man from the bankruptcy court, or will it be the Creature from the Black Lagoon, come to watch its relatives out on the pitch do their evil deedsd.

Blackpool FC has yet to enter the 20th century, but meanwhile we welcome the club, its supporters, players and directors with webbed feet.  (Actually that sentence could be read wrongly.  I will try again when I’ve just finished this pint…)

The Arsenal line up

Almunia

Sagna Vermaelen Djourou Clichy

Song

Fabregas Diaby (Theo, Jack)

Charmakh Van Persie Arshavin (Vela)

The Pool of Blackness team

Creature

Creature Creature Creature Creature Creature

Creature Creature Creature Creature Creature

If lurking near the away fans you will probably hear…

  • “Is this supposed to be funny?”,
  • “Where’s the visiting supporters car park?”
  • “Grunt”.
  • “Gfrgshaksdfjhsdfjf”
  • “Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

What you won’t hear is

  • “I say, jolly good shot that man.”

Elsewhere

And then again

Or perhaps

21 comments to Billy the Dog’s match preview – Arsenal welcome The Creature from The Black Lagoon.

  • Dark Prince

    It looks like blackpool will be sending all their forbes out to frustrate us at the emirates. If we dont play Cesc, it will be pretty much the same attack we saw in anfield. But the defence is the one which is the problem!! No koscielny!! I still dont know who’s gonna replace him!! And Blackpool will be high on confidence after their 1st match. Which means that they’ll go for it. They will shoot from distances to check the confidence of our gk Almunia. On the other hand, they’ll lunge at Arsenal players to stop their rhythmatic football. And i can see someone getting injured already in that match!! I really hope we dont concede 1st bcoz if we do, they’ll put the entire team on defence. And then its gonna be a big problem to score. Arsenal should win this one. But i hope we dont make it more difficult than it should be. The defence still worries me!!

  • A Casual Observer

    I reckon Blackpool will be up for it… I would have much preferred to play them towards the middle/end of the season when the rivets are rattling off and steam escaping.

    This match is going to be like a cup final for them – I do hope we prepare mentally for that and prepare tol defend as a team before assuming control of the game.

    The other thing is that at least Blackpool try to play football a bit and not just lump it – I really hope that they want to give us a proper match rather than the usual reliance on the blind eye of a bias offical.

  • Since I wrote this I have read that our Lord is saying that VP and Cesc are not really ready, so I guess they will be subs. That gives us…

    Almunia

    Sagna Vermaelen Djourou Clichy

    Song

    Theo, Diaby (Jack)

    Rosicky Chamakh Arshavin (Vela)

  • FunGunner

    Tony, I can’t believe you have omitted Enperor Eboue from your starting lineup.

  • WalterBroeckx

    I love these articles. LOL.
    We just got to concentrate on playing our own game and I hope we can score early on. And just hope they don’t come to just kick us but are willing to kick the ball.

  • FunGunner

    They are going to be like Hull of two seasons ago. Fearless attacking football.

  • JeromJ.

    Hahaha, love it Tony, couldnt keep my eyes off reading it till the end!

  • Keith

    Slightly off topic, but I just saw on Blackpools website that they have only sold 1546 of their 3000 ticket allocation!

    Whilst you would think they may believe they will get a tonking, surely the whole point of them getting to the Premiership is to experience the big stages. Had it been a night game I would have understood.

  • A Casual Observer

    @FunGunner

    I was at that match – total disgrace, they had one tactic – lump it up field and lead with the elbow. And Wiley let them get away with it every time. Also we had a perfectly good goal disallowed.

    So yes – I do hope that Blackpool don’t take the ‘Phil Brown’ template for sucess, although fearless attacking football I certainly do encorage – I do, however, see the paralells though in what you say hence my earlier post.

    🙂

  • munawwar

    i think we gooner can get a bit hypocritical at times… i think i have heard many people including myself say that barca are not respecting cecs with the bid made. we all felt it was too low.. and fulham feel the same.. yeah he is 37.. no where near cecs but the money is also different.

    its completely unwanted i feel for such a big club like arsenal to make fuss over 1-2 mil. yes i have never seen so much money ever but hey arsenals turnover was the highest around 300mil? we all keep saying arsenal are good in financial state so i dont think arsenal should mess around with such an important position if we want to win trophies. i am not dying for trophies. but this is just being over critical in terms of money. its not like fulham want 10 mil for him.

    cause we gamble not paying 2-3 mil more right now. almunia fucks up again like always. we get knocked out of champions league. we dont win the league… we loose more money then we save.

  • Dark Prince

    munawwar- Spot on dude!! We should not mess with the gk’s position. As of what i’ve heard, Arsenal has offered Fulham the same amount that Arsenal had bid back in may!! That was little embarrassing news as a gooner bcoz we desperately need a better goalkeeper now and we still dealing like misers in the transfer window. Obviously, i dont want Arsenal to spend over the above, but certainly an improved bid of £3 million would have done the job and such an amount is completly not an insane amount. And this is much more important now because only 10 days are left for transfer window to get closed!!

    I only hope we dont deal in the same manner in signing a new defender!!

  • sad

    There is nothing similar at all between the Cesc and Schwartzer casez. We are bidding the price that is fair for a 27 year old that is a decent keeper but in no way a world beater. PLus non of the aresenal players are out evey day saying. “we want Schwartz”. Nobody has tapped up Schwartz. AW has said nothing more about schwartz that other PL managers has said about their transfares.

    Transfares work like the one we do towards Fulham now. Nobody really wants to sell any decent players to other teams. But we all KNEW that Cesc is worth more than those 29M Barca offered. Nobody can come here and convice me that 37 year old Mark Schwatz are worth more than 3m!

    IF you think this is bad buissness it wil mean you want Arsenal always to pay over price for any player. as all clubs we try to buy from obviously want the highest price and not the “right” price.

    Cesc and Schwatz are worlds apart in potential, skill and competence. simple as

  • FunGunner

    @ dark prince and munawwar

    Who are you hearing about the Schwarzer bids from? Fulham – Wenger is refusing to talk about it or confirm anything. The level of Barca’s bid wasn’t the issue, it was their refusal to accept that the player was not for sale and carrying out an orchesrated campaign through the media to try and create a sense of inevitability about the transfer. Bidding less than the selling club wants is not unsettling a player, it’s playing hardball. If they said he was not for sale, we would withdraw.

  • Dark Prince

    @FunGunner- Mark Hughes has confirmed the amount of bid on ESPN website. And even Mark Hughes has specified that he didn’t want to sell Mark Schwarzer. So does that mean, What Arsenal is doing is wrong?? And I believe that Cesc would hav been sold if Barca had offered the right amount, maybe between £50-55 million.

  • FunGunner

    @ Dark Prince
    Please re-read my post. Bidding for a player through the proper channels is not tapping up. I said the level of the bid is irrelevant. The very fact that Mark Hughes has confirmed the amount underlines my point that it is FULHAM doing the talking in public, not Arsenal. He has not said the player is not for sale, he said it is not inevitable that the player will go. For him, the amount offered is what matters. It may come to nothing, or they may agree a price, but making a low bid is not tapping up.
    And on your second point, you are wrong – There was no “right amount” for Cesc. AFC put out a statement saying that Cesc was not for sale. After it was over, Wenger confirmed that it was never a question of money – there were principles at stake, let alone the fact that we needed Fabregas more than we needed any money.

  • FunGunner

    “It may come to nothing, or they may agree a price, but making a
    low bid is not tapping up.”

    Sorry – meant to say “making a low bid is not tapping up or unsettling a player”.

  • Rhys Jaggar

    One thing you might like to think about: if you were a heterosexual person who acted incorrectly with a woman, what places of work are LEAST likely to bring you in contact with women in future to create a risk to society????

    Well, a football club employing homophobic blokes would likely be pretty high on your list……..

    Of course, for those of you who think that such a person should not work, anywhere, again, until death do take them from this place, that matters not.

    For those who say: time done, risk monitored for life, how can this guy be of use in future, other ideas may come to mind……..

    The guy’s clearly worse than all those MPs that went sheep-like into the Aye lobbies to blow 100,000+ Iraqis to smithereens based on intelligence any moron could see was a load of bollocks, is’t he????

    Think about that…….

  • FunGunner

    Eh?

  • Rhys – you’ve been talking to Billy the Dog again.

    Anyway, Phil has put up a slightly more straight forward piece about the game – click on the link at the top of the page. And that includes a bit about Eboue too.

  • Dark Prince

    @fungunner- I’ve not accused Arsenal of tapping up. All i’m a saying is that Schwarzer is feeling the same consequences that of Cesc. Schwarzer too wants to leave Fulham not bcoz they are a bad team but because a better winning team have come with an offer.

    And on the second point, any player has a price in football. Barca just couldn’t match up that amount this time. But they might next time. And if you are thinking that its not a matter of money, then Arsene Wenger should back it up by not selling Fabregas till the end of his contract. But thats not gonna happen, is it?? Simple reason, Wenger and the board want to cash out from Cesc. Its thats simple. I cant see Cesc staying here after this season. And if Barca bids around £45 million next year, then you can say adios to Cesc.

  • Shard

    I can’t believe the Schwarzer deal is becoming such a issue…

    Sparky opens his gob (unsettling his own player i might add) spewing something he knows Arsenal and Arsene will never contradict and all Arsenal fans turn on their own club.. Bloody brilliant..