Sir Hardly Anyone explores drainpipe theory with Marianna Trench.
Yes media drainpipe after media drainpipe (the things those quaint little bloggettas call outlets) are all shouting out the same story-story. That Arsenal are going to sign Ismaila Sarr and Kai Havertz.
As more and more and more of the pesky blighters copied each other over and over I invited my good friend Marianna Trench to the Toppled Bollard public house in deepest Rutland, for guidance on how the media works in such matters.
“We have,” I told her, ‘Transfer news live: Mislintat ready to make double Arsenal swoop, Man United make €60m bid,’ in Report: Arsenal tracking young duo Ismaila Sarr, Kai Havertz’ in
“That in turn came hard on the heels of ‘Arsenal eye Sarr and Havertz’ in Arsenal closing in on moves for two of Europe’s top young talents’ from Two new kids on the block?’ from
“And it had been going on for a few hours before that, with ‘Emery lines up stunning Arsenal double deal, duo identified by Mislintat’ (Top transfer rumours: Arsenal to sign two of Europe’s top prospects’ (
“Before that…” but Ms Trench held up her hand in an imperious manner, ordering me to stop and clicking her fingers to summons a waiter. (Public houses in Rutland have to have waiters, under the Waits and Measures law of 1325, introduced to celebrate its independence from slaving Leicestershire.) I felt disappointed because I still had 48 more drainpipe stories to go, but she seemed to have had enough.
“You have to understand,” Untold’s deep water correspondent informed me, “that you are trying to evaluate the work of newspapers, blogs and other sources, as if they were non-fiction entities with a desire to say something new, rather than copy each other.
“You are assuming that the editors and writers of such outlets have a conscience. That would be inaccurate, for the media in general does not have a conscience, but instead operates with something much better: an alibi. The alibi being that they were merely reporting what someone else has said.
“You mean they actually don’t want to publish any original stories, but instead they copy each other so they always have an excuse?” I asked.
She nodded. “Have you ever been in a TV newsroom or a publishing office where someone comes up with something original?” she asked. I admitted I had not.
“If you ever do,” Marianna contined, “You will find yourself looking at a person, (I use the word lightly) who appears to have been trying to see why the gas oven is not working properly, and has lit a match to throw more light on the subject.”
“You mean that football journalists are stupid?” I asked, somewhat surprised.
“Not just stupid,” she said, “For they are also incredibly dull and boring. That’s why their work is being replaced by computerised content. Football journalists are the sort of people who who can make a discussion far more interesting just by leaving the room.
“Think my dear man, who but a football scribbler would write the phrase, ‘Arsenal are eyeing two of Europe’s top young talents’? No one speaks like that. No proper writer writes like that. ‘Eyeing’ for goodness sake. It is 1940s street slang for a wastrell looking at an attractive woman.”
She flipped through the various newspapers I had brought with me to her meeting. “The worst thing about them,” she said having finished her flipping, “is that none of them ever apologises.”
“You mean for being wrong?” I asked.
“No, they will never do that. But at least they could apologise for not knowing how to write. This is some of the most turgid prose it has ever been my misfortune to read. I was at least hoping it would end with an announcement that the correspondent was now on his way to the Manchester for rehabilitation. Ah!…”
I nearly jumped out of my chair at the last syllable which hit the bar with gusto, but Marianna continued, “I know this writer,” she pointed at the name under one article. “A beaky nose, tall and thin and looks rather like a vulture in the Gobi desert, cold and haughty too as I recall, conducts human sacrifices every new moon, the sort of person who if pitted against a common or garden dandelion at chess would lose and then argue that the dandelion was cheating.”
She dropped the newspaper into a handily placed litter bin. “So what do you want to know?” she asked.
“Anything about these two players. Like, do they exist, are they any good?”
“Ismaïla Sarr,” Marianna told me, “is considered unsound, given that he has an accent in his name. He’s 20, comes from Senegal and has already played 19 times for the national team, played last year for Metz now plays for Rennes, who paid Metz anthing between €15 or 20 million, depending on which drainpipe you look at.
“Kai Havertz is 19 and has played once for Germany already, plays for Bayer Leverkusen and holds the record for the youngest ever player in the German League. He’s thought in Germany to be the new Mesut Ozil. Which makes him ideal for Arsenal – having half the fan base already dislike Ozil for not doing enough, they now buy another one. It’s a perfect set up by the media.
“You mean it might not be true?” I asked.
She looked at me with a sad look on her face. “It’s your round,” she said, beckoning a passing slave. (Slavery still exists in Rutland, the county not having been integrated into the UK in 1833 when the rest of the country outlawed it.)
Haha great piece
Off topic but a stinking great win for our Women’s team away against Chelsea this afternoon. FIVE GOALS TO NIL!!! Two for Miedema, two for Nobbs and a penalty by Kim Little.
The only bad news was Little leaving the ground on crutches following an awful tackle by Drew Spence who should have had a red card but was only given a yellow. Not the only mistake by the referee.
A real statement of intent by Us today and one of the biggest spankings Chelsea have had in recent years.
Hardly Anyone of Untold Arsenal as featured on GoonerNews,
Time you came out of the gutter for fresh air, from where you are colluding with whom ever in that mirky trench in Rutland and paid heed to to what might carry some substance. I state this as last July when I was communicating with Ivan Gazidis,Ex CEO of Arsenal, as to signing of Gelson Martins (who is an amazing winger/striker with all the skills of that now retired Ronaldinho), Gazids and Mislintat informed me that an offer of £22m had been made to “Sporting” which they refused and were holding out for near £30m and given the limited transfer budget of £50m, no further offer was made.
It was then that I proposed that Gazidis look nat Ismaila Sarr. Gazidis, agreed that Sarr would be a good signing but was adamant that Barcelona was after his signature but Sarr signed for Rennes as he wanted guaranteed playing time and Rennes will not sell him for less than £40m. Then Gazidis failed to sign Ousmane Dembele on a convoluted loan/ buy deal at the 11th hour or so we were given to understand.
Given that Arsenal are bereft of width on the field and both Mkhitaryan and Ozil are being played out of position presently; both leave the right wing and cut in to their natural position of No 10 in play, Arsenal are crying out for a dedicated natural right winger. Ismail Sarr will certainly fit the bill.
There could be some Oxygen in the Ismaila Sarr narrative.
Omar. K
Andrew
Gord was keeping us up to date on the previous thread Andrew.
Sounds like same old same old, not only from the referee but from the media as well.
Well done ladies. (That’s not you and Gord, but Knobbs and co you understand)
Yes, I get it. 🙂
I was trying not to say too much, in case Andrew wanted to write up a report, or something.
Tick , tick ?
Like I’ve opined before on this site, these rounds of Arsenal January transfer rumours in the media which started running as far back from September are uncalled for in my own view. I know the media want to have the minds and the thoughts of us Gooners busy and captivated with these seemingly Arsenal January transfer rumours which had in the past proved to have only 5 to 10% success rate per window.
Many player names have been tailored in the media as the new players Arsenal will sign in January. But this is mid October and not mid December which could make Arsenal to start considering if they should start to switch to the January transfer mode. Say, as from 15th December when they could start looking at who and who they could sign in January and who and who they’ll want sell. And they could be in full swing mood in the window to do business as from the first week of January.
But right now, I don’t think Arsenal are in the transfer mode talk less of them to be in the mood of doing any business at this time. Nevertheless, I believe Arsenal are in the winning mode and mood right now to continue winning games in all competitions unabated before mid December when they’ll start to consider if they should switch to the transfer mode while they remain firmly in games winning mode and mood without switching off from it but continuing in it undistracted.
Some nice interviews coming up on Arsenal.com about the womens game vs Chel$ea.
I haven’t seen any news about Kim Little, about quite a few medja articles thought it (the card) should have been red.
It’s like being back in the 80’s , but without motd either. Imagine the bollox the journos got away with then ?
Apparently, the Graun s one eyed reporter suggested it could have gone either way. The result that is . Not the card . O mention . Read Joe Montemurros pre match interview from Thursday. Chelsea obviously didn’t.
I don’t think I get motd here. I hardly watch TV any more anyway. And I tend to listen to music with no commercials.
A girl that was in my grades in high school, went on to the Canadian women’s team for many years. Years later, she ended up coaching University of Victoria. I’ve been around good female football players for many years. Even taped a few females ankles to get them ready for games (I did athletic first aid for 20 something years).
I would guess the referee for the women, figures he really should be doing EPL games, and so he is trying to impress 😈 Mike Riley with his skills.
Had a real blast with this portion of this great and funny piece , …
“You will find yourself looking at a person, (I use the word lightly) who appears to have been trying to see why the gas oven is not working properly, and has lit a match to throw more light on the subject.”
It blew me away !