Laca off the Barcelona, Auba to Real Mad & Sokratis leaving if no Champs League

By Sir Hardly Anyone

This week I met up with Poswinch McKillybody, to get the latest “Fleet Street” ravings.   I must admit I thought he looked under the weather, looking somewhat like a halibut which had been asked by another halibut to lend it 20 quid till next Wednesday.  When I mentioned this to another journalist he replied “are you sure it was only 20 quid?” so maybe I was wrong.

But let us not ponder details, as journalists never do, but instead we shall rapidly move onto the stories.

1: Arsenal reportedly want player Keown raved about in 2017, said he’s ‘unusual’

This is from HITC and the story is that Mr Emery wants to sign Harry Maguire from Leicester.  He’s a centre back and he’s 26 years old.  On being introduced to the scribbler who came up with this tale, he spent 30 minutes telling me how he’d got the story, when in reality all that was needed as an apology.

2: Sokratis leaving

This one is about Sokratis saying that he came to London to play Champions League football.  It is clear from the whole interview that he is saying that yes, of course that is his ambition as it is for all players.  Not that he is going to ask for a transfer out because we have not got it next season (at least not yet).

But it’s a Football London and whatever may be said in favour of Foot Lond and its 40 a day Arsenal stories, it is pretty generally admitted that few of their writers are to be trusted within reach of computer keyboard when the moon is full.

3: Who we should not sign

Media Referee, says that The Sun says that Arsenal are watching 19 year old Brazilian winger Antony, who is with Sao Paulo. Ajax, PSV Eindhoven, Lyon and Monaco are also interested.  The cost is £21m and the Media Ref man told me it would be a total waste of money.

It was at this point that the editor of that august organ came into the bar.  Everyone’s hands moved upwards, and I think his idea was for each to bare his head reverently. The project was, however, rendered null and void by the fact that none of them were wearing hats.

4: Emery makes a wise choice

So says Mad about EPL who I presume are in a position to make a judgement.  The player is Ayoze Perez who is with Newcastle.  Inter also want him.  This story first surfaced in the Sun who claimed Newcastle are willing to sell him. He can play forward or attacking midfield.  Mind you it is also said he could play Macbeth without any rehearsals.

5:  Ditch Iwobi go for the Forest

Or so says Media Referee – or at least something along these lines.

Apparently this story knocked around in January, but wow, it didn’t happen.  So the lazy sods who make up these tales are running it all over again.  He plays for Celtic, he’s 27 and he scored 17 and had 20 assists for Celtic this season.  He was PFA Scotland Player of the Year.

They also tell us to “Forget Iwobi”.

And I think you can find a bit of a pattern with these stories from these journalists.  Take the shoes off any of them and you will find a cloven hoof.

6:  Aubameyang is leaving

So claim Playing for 90, a bloggetta who take their time to get to the story, but apparently he is off to Real Madrid.

In fact I heard one journalist say to another that if all the forwards Arsenal were selling were put end to end they would stretch from the Bollard to Barnet.  “More than that,” I heard his friend reply, after due consideration, “some of them are quite tall.”

7: Nicolas Pepe

Having told us the player is on his way from Lille to Arsenal, FootLond now tell us that the player won’t talk to Arsenal.  Well, can you blame him?

He was the second highest scorer in the French League and if he moved to Arsenal he would expect to be a first choice striker.  So are we selling Lacazette?  Or Auba?   Sadly FootLond forget to tell us, which is rather careless.

8: Kroenke’s influence

Under the headline “Arsenal news: Pepe and Tielemans transfer updates, player ratings, Kroenke influence”  Football London (yes them again, they really are trying to get a monopoly) ran the same story as everyone else.  But when I diligently searched for any mention in the story of the Arsenal owner, there was not one.  Not a sausage.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.

So either Mr Kroenke has no influence, or else Foot Lond put the headline in, just to get people to read.  But surely they would not be so underhand as to do that!  Would they?

9: It’s two thirds rubbish

According to Soccersouls, the Arsenal “back-line is in tatters and needs replacing, [and the] midfield is barely hanging on and the only positive is his front-line.”

And what is so utterly amazing is that Arsenal were the third best club at home this past season, within touching distance of Liverpool! and Manchester Finance.  Yet with only one third of a team.  Imagine our home form if we had even just two thirds of a team!

So they raise the question of us signing Jean-Philippe Gbamin. He’s a defensive midfielders with Mainz 05.

10:  Nicolas Tagliafico

The Mirror is sure he is a “target” for Arsenal.  He’s with Ajax and our old friend “Reports” say he has a clause in his contract which says that if his release fee of £17.3million is met, he gets to split the money with the club.  He’s a left back.

11: A mass clear out and loadamoney

Foot.Lond, in yet another of their 40 a day story lines, have suggested Arsenal will have £89m to spend, plus a load of money from all the players who all the pundits tell us are no good and who are being sold.  But hang on, because these players have been highlighted repeatedly as being no good – is anyone going to buy them?  Probably not, because, according to the journalists, they are, well, not to put too fine a point on it, no good.

12: Lacazette to Barcelona.

The Daily Excess says that Laca “has admitted he is flattered to have been linked with a switch to Barcelona this summer.”  And that is it.  The rest of the article is filled with mindless waffle and piffle.

So there you are.  A load of waffle from a bunch of people who pick names out of hats and blame others.  But 3% of the stories will be true – at least if the last 3 seasons are anything to go by.

But let’s be fair.  Whatever we may say about the football journalists of England the fact is that a London football journalist of the right sort can bore his readers near to the point where mortification sets in, without anyone realising what he is up to.  And clearly they have been practising.


7 Replies to “Laca off the Barcelona, Auba to Real Mad & Sokratis leaving if no Champs League”

  1. It appears that ALL the Football London scribblers would be better employed writing for the Exchange and Mart

  2. With the Europa League Cup final match between Arsenal and Chelsea looming, I am of the thinking thinking the media will wait for a little while until the final is played before they will swing-in into the full-mode of Arsenal summer transfer window rumours that is currently on the half-mode until after the final is played in 10 days time from today before the club will switch to the full-mode of the modes I would think. But in as much as the media is eager to switch-on to the full-mode of the Arsenal summer transfer rumours before the club actually switch-on to the full-mode of it’s summer transfer dealings this summer that could come into effect anytime after the Uefa Europa League Cup final is played, I will however make a suggestion to Arsenal to in their incoming summer transfer this summer window make a bid for the out of favour Real Madrid player, the 29 year old Gareth Bale to transfer him to Arsenal this summer either on the permanent 3 years deal or on loan from Real Madrid. But his reported £600k/w wage earnings could be a hindrance to Arsenal signing him even if Arsenal decided to sign him this summer.

    But nevertheless, if Bale will agree to lower his weekly wage earnings to say, £400k/w to enable Arsenal sign him if they can afford to pay him the £400k/w wages. And he Bale will guaranteed Arsenal a minimum of 20 goals and gives a minimum of 15 assisted goals at the left-wing side on the field next season in the PL where Arsenal had looked to be weak last season. (But for adequate cover and option and also to see him to further improve for Arsenal, Iwobi should be kept). And equally gives 10 UCL goals to Arsenal with 10 assists if the club qualifies to play in the UCL next season,. And gives 15 other goals including 15 assists overall in the 2 domestic Cup competitions if I’ve not asked too much of him. But to whom much is given, much should deservingly be expected from him. Right? For another high goals scoring poacher to the duo of Auba’ and Laca’ to be poaching goals in their high numbers for Arsenal next season in all competitions to be ensured as I am envisaging for Arsenal to have so as to enable the club to win the coveted Premier League title next season, I will therefore implore Arsenal to sign the high goals scoring poacher – Gareth Bale this summer. He could with the other new players that Arsenal will sign this summer and the 2 big ones already on ground at the Emirates Stadium combine forcefully to help us win the PL title next season and even win the never has been won before, the quadruple also next season before any other PL club side wins it. I think the quadruple will eventually be won one season by a PL club side. But let it be Arsenal that first won it when it is won. But not Man City or any other PL club side.

  3. @ Samuel,
    Rather than waste money on another pricey attacker, in my opinion the Club should concentrate on investing in our defence. We have too many second-raters, as well as age catching up with a few.
    For some seasons now, our GA has been far too high and this cannot be ignored any longer.

  4. Sir Hardly –
    I have a few stories I’ve made up but would still like published:

    van Dijk wants to join Arsenal “tired of all the losing at Liverpool this season”.

    Kompany spurns Anderlecht “wants to help Wolves” instead.

    Materazzi marries Zidane’s sister! “We’re one big happy family”.

    Should I go straight to Football London with these or will someone pick up this post and publish it as real?

  5. I guess being a journo is such an easy job . Check this list out –

    No paper qualifications required . Being able to string along a few sentences is enough. Repeating off quoted phases and sayings saves you time and your brain cells.

    Tertiary education not necessary . But it may help with the proof reading.

    No football experience as a player,coach or manager is needed. It will be assumed you know it all. You have been watching it on tv all your life . Your eyes don’t lie.

    Not necessary to know the rules of the game. The local refs ,experts and commentators don’t know it either . The fans ? Don’t make me laugh.

    An intimate knowledge of the history of football not a pre-requirement. Just Google it. And Wiki can be a trusted source.

    Having a chip on your shoulder or being xenophobic may be advantageous in many ways.Especially when driving wedges between the divide.

    Being droll , pun-ny , humorous, sarcastic , snide , snarky , slithery , along with an understanding colloquial quips and local intricacies is always a plus points .

    If you possess the above traits , apply to be a journo , and get your free seats at the stadium and get to rub shoulders with your peers at the common trough .

  6. Untold Arsenal exclusive –

    ‘ Riyad Mahrez to leave Man City after winning the domestic treble , in bid to become only player to win the EPL with three different clubs .’

    Arsenal , Liverpool , Chelsea , Spurs and Man Utd have been duly alerted are rumored to be interested in the speedy winger . Since he won ‘the lot’, Mahrez wants another fresh challenge , as well as to win the CL or Europa , which City seem incapable of achieving anytime soon.

    Man City want to dump him to free up the funds , and get Alexis Sanchez instead on a free transfer from Man Utd. Man City have been courting Sanchez for a few years now, and may yet their man this time , as he is unwanted at Man Utd.

    It is a well know fact that Arsene Wenger allowed the then disruptive Sanchez to join Man United, predicting that his divisive nature would then go on to destabilise United . That it did come to pass , will not probably placate those who abused AW

    Many former United players in the media too were at that time greatly overjoyed at the capture of the Chilean, claiming that he was that final and vital piece in Mourinho’s new United great team of the future .

    How they poured scorn on AW on his mismanaging of this alleged great player. And how they were able to scupper the interest from their noisy neighbours and get their man. Oh, how they laughed, and laughed ….., but not any more !

    When asked of this faux pas , by this Untold Arsenal reporter , Gary Neville was seemingly evasive, and rather wanted to talk about the meteoric rise of Salford City and promotion into the Football League .

    We abandoned him when he started to reminiscence about that great team of ’92 , of Mustafi not being a premier league player; and on him having frequent nocturnal emissions on dreaming about manhandling Reyes !

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