By Sir Hardly Anyone
This week I met up with Poswinch McKillybody, to get the latest “Fleet Street” ravings. I must admit I thought he looked under the weather, looking somewhat like a halibut which had been asked by another halibut to lend it 20 quid till next Wednesday. When I mentioned this to another journalist he replied “are you sure it was only 20 quid?” so maybe I was wrong.
But let us not ponder details, as journalists never do, but instead we shall rapidly move onto the stories.
1: Arsenal reportedly want player Keown raved about in 2017, said he’s ‘unusual’
This one is about Sokratis saying that he came to London to play Champions League football. It is clear from the whole interview that he is saying that yes, of course that is his ambition as it is for all players. Not that he is going to ask for a transfer out because we have not got it next season (at least not yet).
But it’s a Football London and whatever may be said in favour of Foot Lond and its 40 a day Arsenal stories, it is pretty generally admitted that few of their writers are to be trusted within reach of computer keyboard when the moon is full.
3: Who we should not sign
Media Referee, says that The Sun says that Arsenal are watching 19 year old Brazilian winger Antony, who is with Sao Paulo. Ajax, PSV Eindhoven, Lyon and Monaco are also interested. The cost is £21m and the Media Ref man told me it would be a total waste of money.
It was at this point that the editor of that august organ came into the bar. Everyone’s hands moved upwards, and I think his idea was for each to bare his head reverently. The project was, however, rendered null and void by the fact that none of them were wearing hats.
So says Mad about EPL who I presume are in a position to make a judgement. The player is Ayoze Perez who is with Newcastle. Inter also want him. This story first surfaced in the Sun who claimed Newcastle are willing to sell him. He can play forward or attacking midfield. Mind you it is also said he could play Macbeth without any rehearsals.
Or so says Media Referee – or at least something along these lines.
Apparently this story knocked around in January, but wow, it didn’t happen. So the lazy sods who make up these tales are running it all over again. He plays for Celtic, he’s 27 and he scored 17 and had 20 assists for Celtic this season. He was PFA Scotland Player of the Year.
They also tell us to “Forget Iwobi”.
And I think you can find a bit of a pattern with these stories from these journalists. Take the shoes off any of them and you will find a cloven hoof.
6: Aubameyang is leaving
So claim Playing for 90, a bloggetta who take their time to get to the story, but apparently he is off to Real Madrid.
In fact I heard one journalist say to another that if all the forwards Arsenal were selling were put end to end they would stretch from the Bollard to Barnet. “More than that,” I heard his friend reply, after due consideration, “some of them are quite tall.”
7: Nicolas Pepe
Having told us the player is on his way from Lille to Arsenal, FootLond now tell us that the player won’t talk to Arsenal. Well, can you blame him?
He was the second highest scorer in the French League and if he moved to Arsenal he would expect to be a first choice striker. So are we selling Lacazette? Or Auba? Sadly FootLond forget to tell us, which is rather careless.
8: Kroenke’s influence
Under the headline “Arsenal news: Pepe and Tielemans transfer updates, player ratings, Kroenke influence” Football London (yes them again, they really are trying to get a monopoly) ran the same story as everyone else. But when I diligently searched for any mention in the story of the Arsenal owner, there was not one. Not a sausage. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.
So either Mr Kroenke has no influence, or else Foot Lond put the headline in, just to get people to read. But surely they would not be so underhand as to do that! Would they?
9: It’s two thirds rubbish
According to Soccersouls, the Arsenal “back-line is in tatters and needs replacing, [and the] midfield is barely hanging on and the only positive is his front-line.”
And what is so utterly amazing is that Arsenal were the third best club at home this past season, within touching distance of Liverpool! and Manchester Finance. Yet with only one third of a team. Imagine our home form if we had even just two thirds of a team!
So they raise the question of us signing Jean-Philippe Gbamin. He’s a defensive midfielders with Mainz 05.
10: Nicolas Tagliafico
The Mirror is sure he is a “target” for Arsenal. He’s with Ajax and our old friend “Reports” say he has a clause in his contract which says that if his release fee of £17.3million is met, he gets to split the money with the club. He’s a left back.
11: A mass clear out and loadamoney
Foot.Lond, in yet another of their 40 a day story lines, have suggested Arsenal will have £89m to spend, plus a load of money from all the players who all the pundits tell us are no good and who are being sold. But hang on, because these players have been highlighted repeatedly as being no good – is anyone going to buy them? Probably not, because, according to the journalists, they are, well, not to put too fine a point on it, no good.
12: Lacazette to Barcelona.
The Daily Excess says that Laca “has admitted he is flattered to have been linked with a switch to Barcelona this summer.” And that is it. The rest of the article is filled with mindless waffle and piffle.
So there you are. A load of waffle from a bunch of people who pick names out of hats and blame others. But 3% of the stories will be true – at least if the last 3 seasons are anything to go by.
But let’s be fair. Whatever we may say about the football journalists of England the fact is that a London football journalist of the right sort can bore his readers near to the point where mortification sets in, without anyone realising what he is up to. And clearly they have been practising.
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