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Satire: 10 players arriving, five leaving and Edu arrives (although that’s probably not satire)

By Sir Hardly Anyone

So the season ends and as expected Cech went back to Chelsea.   And immediately the blogs were reporting Arsenal fans being annoyed – TBR Football was one of many such sites with this story.

But the report came with no sense of irony; irony because many supporters had been saying that Cech was useless and should not be playing for Arsenal.

If that were true, should we not be rejoicing that he has now returned to a club where the stadium project seems to be dissolving in acid, where there is a two window ban on transfers, where the owner only came to watch one match last season, and where there is ongoing investigation into the club’s use of loans?

But we must move on, although first we have been told that “The clock is ticking.”   That from Football.London.     I thought you would like to know.

So who are we buying this week?

1: Yannick Carrasco

Arsenal are in talks over a move for Yannick Carrasco, but could face competition from Roma according to Tutto Mercato Web.  He’s Belgium, he’s a winger and he previously played for Atletico Madrid.  Arsenal have already agreed personal terms with Carrasco should they be able to convince the Chinese club to sell him, or so we are told.  Carrasco is keen to return to Europe after spending nearly 18 months in China, or so they say.  Mind you I had had enough of Chinese food after three weeks – but perhaps Carrasco gets his own food flown in.

2: Dani Ceballos

Arsenal are ready to pay Real Madrid £44.6m to sign Dani Ceballos but Tottenham are desperate to sign someone this summer and Ceballos is the chosen one.  At least so says Arsenal Station. He is a Spanish central midfielder who has played ten times for Spain.

 3: Eray Comert

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Arsenal are ready to “step up their interest” in Basle defender Eray Comert and again this is the mighty load of whatnot known as Football London.  He will cost £7m says the Metro and the Daily Mail is getting very excited about this deal.  He’s a defender and he’s 21.

4: Armando Izzo

The deal is being prepared according to Gianluca Di Marzio.  He’s with Torino and is a defender and is 27.   Talks were held last week.  He played 39 times for Torino last last season, scoring four goals.  TuttoMercatoWeb reported last week that the player’s agent, Paolo Palermo, held talks with Arsenal last week.

5: Presnel Kimpembe

PSG will sell Presnel Kimpembe this summer with Arsenal ready to do the deal or so says the Daily Express who blame Le10Sport for the story if it is not true..  He’s a central defender who is 23.

6: Ivan Perisic

He still wants to come to Arsenal according to, well you can guess by now, yes Footlon.  Manchester United did want him but don’t any more.  He’s a winger or a midfielder or even a number 10, and he has played 141 times for Inter Milan since 2015 and 82 times for Croatia.

7: Rodriguez

Oh no it’s FootLon again.   Arsenal will move for AC Milan full-back Ricardo Rodriguez if they can’t agree a deal for Kieran Tierney.  They blame Calciomercato for this one.  Interestingly Calciomercato blame Foot Lon.  funny that.

8: William Saliba

Another story from the fanatical daily express.  He’s from Saint-Etienne and is another centre-back.  FootLond say we are closing in! “He is the only player in the French set-up who is in the age class two times higher than a player would typically be. He’s the first player to be in this situation since Kylian Mbappé,” said Head of Football at RMC Sport Mohamed Bouhafsi.  Yes we are definitely getting him, says Foot.Lond.  He will cost €25 million.

9:  Wilfried Zaha

FootLond also tell us that Zaha prefers the move to Arsenal from Crystal Palace and the deal is on.  Kevin Campbell has told FootLond that Arsenal must break the bank to get him.

10:  Dan-Axel Zagadou

“The Borussia Dortmund starlet on Arsenal’s transfer radar”, according to France Football, who have clearly been reading FootLond too much and assuming that this is the way people talk in England.   “Borussia Dortmund defender Dan-Axel Zagadou is being lined up as the solution to Unai Emery’s defensive woes,” is the tale.

And leaving the club

1:  Torreira

FootLond in a revolutionary move says that other reports that Torreira is going to be sold are not true at all!!! But “Arsenal ready to sell Lucas Torreira – and they have a price in mind” proclaims the Daily Star.  Do we believe FootLon or the Star?  Or perhaps better still, neither.

2:  Jordi Osei-Tutu

As is the new way of things he has joined the second division Bundesliga side VfL Bochum on loan for the 2019/20 season.  So sayeth the Daily Cannon.  It’s the new approach for Arsenal.

3/4/5: Three at once

Mesut Ozil, Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Shkodran Mustafi are all going to go according to the Star.  Where, we are not told, but they are going to go.
Management
Edu is already working for Arsenal despite not officially starting until July, booms the Daily Cannon.

And that might well be true since the summer meeting for selected members from the three main recognised Arsenal supporters clubs this season will have a “special guest,” just as we did last season.  Last year it was the new boss.  This year the suspicion is that it is Edu.

And that’s it for now.   But you can be sure there will be more.   I’ll do the chart of everyone so far asap.

8 comments to Satire: 10 players arriving, five leaving and Edu arrives (although that’s probably not satire)

  • Gord

    Arsenal.com posted something on Jordi Osei-Tutu yesterday or the day before. They said he had joined Bochum, unless there is some sort of paperwork problem on loan.

    I think I had posted a link to it. Ah, here it is:

    https://www.arsenal.com/news/jordi-osei-tutu-joins-vfl-bochum-loan

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    The fact remains Arsenal are slow in the transfer market this summer to not have completed the signings of their 2 targets of William Saliba and Kieran Tierney from St Etienne and Celtic by now.

    Ordinarily, one would have thought Arsenal will have completed the signings of these duo defenders by now to avoid any of them or both being hijacked mid-way into negotiation for them at their clubs and with their agents by Arsenal. For, it has been reported in the media of recent that Tottenham Hotspur are circling in the transfer market airspace like a vulture around William Saliba to see if Arsenal have done the deal to sign the 18 year old Saliba and dusted it. But if not, Tottenham are fiercely looking to descend down from the air-space from where they’ve been hovering to be circling round Saliba to devour him with impunity. By harvesting and eating from where they didn’t labour to plant like monkey has worked, but it is bamboo that has eaten the fruit of his labour. This will be an irony and bizarre if Arsenal for their slowness in completing their transfer signings this summer inadvertently allowed Tottenham Hotspur to hijack Saliba from them after haven laboured to discovered and unearned him for their exclusive signing only.

    Therefore, for us the Gooners’ happiness sake, Arsenal should stride fast forward to complete their signings of Saliba and Tierney within the next 3 days if there is nothing very serious holding them back from completing the deals to close them. If it is insufficient transfer kitty this summer at the club that is what is holding them back to complete the deals, I advice Arsenal to use their entire £45m transfer Kitty this summer in the interim but only if it boils down for them to doing that. And complete the 2 deals earnestly for us.

    I believe Arsenal the hierarchy bosses at the club know within themselves that they can successfully surmount the challenge of the lack of sufficient transfer kitty at the club this summer and overcome the challenge by offloading some on the fringe Gunners at the club to the summer transfer market for sales and loaning some to other club sides internally and externally to raise another transfer kitty this summer that will enabled them sign other new top quality players who are necessary for the club to do and have become a necessity for the club to have them too at the club next season.

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    The fact remains Arsenal are slow in the transfer market this summer to not have completed the signings of their 2 targets of William Saliba and Kieran Tierney from St Etienne and Celtic by now.

    Ordinarily, one would have thought that Arsenal will by now have completed the signings of these duo defenders to avoid any of them or both being hijacked from Arsenal mid-way into negotiation to sign them from their clubs and negotiating with their agents too to get deals over the line done and dusted. For, it has been reported in the media of recent that Tottenham Hotspur are circling in the transfer market airspace like a vulture around William Saliba to see if Arsenal have done the deal to sign the 18 year old Saliba and dusted it. But if not, Tottenham are fiercely looking to descend down from the air-space from where they’ve been hovering to be circling round Saliba to devour him with impunity if Arsenal further delay to pick him up. Tottenham Hotspur if Arsenal allow them could profit by harvesting and eating easily from where they have laboured to plant like monkey has worked, but it is bamboo that has eaten the fruit of his labour. This will be an irony and bizarre if Arsenal for their slowness in completing their transfer signings this summer inadvertently allowed Tottenham Hotspur to hijack Saliba from them after haven laboured to discovered and unearned him for their exclusive signing only.

    Therefore, for us the Gooners’ happiness sake, Arsenal should stride fast forward to complete their signings of Saliba and Tierney within the next 3 days I will surged but if there aren’t anything very serious holding them back from completing the deals to close them. But if it is insufficient transfer kitty this summer at the club that is what is holding them back to complete the deals, I advice Arsenal to use their initial entire £45m transfer Kitty this summer in the interim but only if it boils down for them to doing that. And complete the 2 deals earnestly for us.

    I believe the Arsenal hierarchy bosses at the club know within themselves that they can successfully surmount the challenge of the lack of sufficient transfer kitty at the club this summer and overcome the challenge by offloading some on the fringe Gunners at the club to the summer transfer market for sales and for loaning some of them to other club sides internally and externally so as to raise another transfer kitty for the club this summer that will enabled them sign other new top quality players who are necessary for the club to do, and have become a necessity for the club to have them too at the club next season.

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    The fact remains Arsenal are slow in the transfer market this summer in completing the signings of their 2 targets of William Saliba and Kieran Tierney from St Etienne and Celtic by now.

    Ordinarily, one would have thought that Arsenal will by now have completed the signings of these duo defenders to avoid any of them or both being hijacked from Arsenal mid-way into negotiation to sign them from their clubs and negotiating with their agents too to get the deals for them done and dusted. For, it has been reported in the media of recent that Tottenham Hotspur are circling in the transfer market airspace like a vulture around William Saliba to see if Arsenal have done the deal to sign the 18 year old Saliba and dusted it. But if not, Tottenham are fiercely looking to descend down from the air-space from where they’ve been hovering and circling round Saliba to devour him with impunity if Arsenal further delay to pick him up. Tottenham Hotspur if Arsenal allow them could profit by harvesting and eating easily from where they have not laboured to plant but still eat like monkey has worked, but it is bamboo that has eaten the fruit of his labour. This will be an irony and bizarre if Arsenal for their being a bit slow in completing their transfer signings this summer inadvertently allowed Tottenham Hotspur to hijack Saliba from them after haven laboured to discovered and unearned him for their exclusive signing only.

    Therefore, for us the Gooners’ happiness sake, Arsenal should stride fast forward to complete their signings of Saliba and Tierney within the next 3 days I will suggest but if there aren’t anything very serious things holding them back from completing the deals to close them. But if it is the insufficient transfer kitty this summer at the club that is what is holding them back to complete the deals, I advice Arsenal to use their initial entire £45m transfer Kitty this summer in the interim to complete the deals. But only if it boils down for them to doing that to complete the 2 deals. Arsenal should stride very fast and work very hard to earnestly completes the deals for us.

    I believe the Arsenal hierarchy bosses at the club know within themselves that they can successfully surmount the almost looking unsurmountable challenge of lack of sufficient transfer kitty at the club that us confronting the club this summer and overcome the challenge by offloading some on the fringe Gunners at the club to the summer transfer market for sales and for loaning some of them out to other club sides internally and externally. So that Arsenal can as a matter of unavailable necessity raise another transfer kitty for the club this summer that will enabled them sign other new top quality players who are necessary also for the club to do as their signings have become a necessity for the club to have them too at the club next season.

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    I must thank the UA for allowing my comment on the topic that is currently threading on the site to post my comment thrice despite this is against the house rules on comment posting.

    The two of my first and second comments are looking not to be satisfactory for reading to understand what I am conveying in them. Hence, my third comment posting that I think has the error of us in it instead of to have is in it.

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    I must thank the UA for allowing my comment on the topic that is currently threading on the site to post thrice despite this is against the house rules on comment posting.

    The two of my first and second comments are looking not to be satisfactory for reading to understand what I am conveying in them. Hence, my third comment posting that I think has the error of us in it instead of to have is in it.

  • Gord

    SAA, please quit posting multiple messages with trivial changes. Just post once. If you make a mistake, live with it. Don’t repost.

  • As far as youth players remember Tony Adams played in the first team at 17 (I was there) and was a regular at 20. Talk of wonder players etc should always be compared.
    Basically if they are not making at least the squad by 21 ship them out.
    Not bringing in 19 to 21 years old youth players is either because they are not good enough or that the club has little confidence in the player.
    I tend to the latter explanation. By all means spend up to the rumored 40 million but bring forward those home grown players. If they are not good enough you will soon find out.