SATIRE: 65 players the media say Arsenal are signing, 20 leaving, 1 new director

Research, analysis and constant hiccups from too much time associating with football journalists by Sir Hardly Anyone.

Of whom it has been said.

Part 1 of the Transfer List: The Players coming to Arsenal this summer

We have six new players announced in the past week, with five others having their rumours updated by the media.

No Player Current club Source Notes
1 Toby Alderweireld Tottenham H TBR Football, Sun He’s 30 years old
2 Joachim Anderson Sampdoria Calciomeracto and Tuttosport.  FootLon says his decision is imminent.  Could be Tottenham says Team Talk and FL.  He’s saying it is time to leave. £37m for him and Praet.  Anderson is a centre back.
3 Angelino PSV But Man City want him back- he was with their youth team He’s a left back
4 Antony Sao Paulo Media Ref (they say it would be a waste of money) Ajax, PSV Eindhoven, Lyon and Monaco are also interested
5 Gareth Bale Real Madrid She wore a yellow 87% of RM fans want him out
6 Eric Bailly Man U Transfer Market £27m, for 25 year old centre back
7 Ismael Bennacer Empoli HITC, Pain in the Arsenal Ex Arsenal youth player
8 Jerome Boateng Bayern Foot Lond, Talk Sport “He’s played his last game for us”
9 Marcelo Brozociv Inter Milan Transfer Tavern citing CalcioMercato £40.5m; a “tough midfielder”
Update Yannick Carrasco Dalian Yifang (China) Sport, Sport Witness and elsewhere in Spanish press.  Sun says it is 1/10 he will sign.  TeamTalk however say we have missed out on him. Talks are ongoing (Tutto Mercato Web) Winger aged 25
NEW Dani Ceballos Real Madrid Arsenal are ready to pay £44.6m but Tottenham are desperate (Arsenal Station). He is a Spanish central midfielder who has played ten times for Spain. Central midfielder who has played ten times for Spain.
12 Samuel Chukwueze Villareal Foot Lond Nigerian forward
13 Alexis Claude-Maurice Lorient Arsenal have made a £6m bid.  FootLond, Sun.  FL now adds that he wants to go to Bor Munch. HITC says Arsenal his preferred target.  Deal is off (Nebula) France under 20 forward and friend of Guendouzi
New Eray Comert Basle Will cost £7m says the Metro and the Daily Mail 21 year old defender
15 Djene Dakonam Getafe Daily Express Central defender / RB.  Will cost £13.5m
16 Gianluigi Donnarumma AC Milan Daily Cannon who say the goalkeeper will cost 70m euros
17 En-Nesyri  Leganes Fox Sports Asia, HITC. Borussia Dortmund and Schalke also want him He will be the first signing and will cost £10m
18 Bruno Fernandes Sporting O Jogo, Sport Witness Chelsea, Man C, Juventus want him, £100m release clause
19 James Forest Celtic Media Referee We should sell Iwobi and get him.
20 Ryan Fraser Bournemouth Express, Mirror.  Sky says Bournemouth standing firm against sale. One year left on contract
21 Jean Philippee Gbamain Mainz Read Arsenal; Soccer Souls On his way
22 Ander Herrera Man U Express PSG also interested
23 Mario Hermoso Espanyol Independent says he is certain to leave and AFC interested. Atletico Madrid, Bayern Munich and PSG also interested
24 Presnel Kimpembe PSG Foot Lond, Soccer Link He’s a centre half
25 Isco Real Mad Transfer Market. Attacking midfield.  Price is £54m
NEW Armando Izzo Torino TuttoMercatoWeb reports  that the player’s agent, Paolo Palermo, held talks with Arsenal last week. Defender, 27 years old played 39 times last season
NEW Presnel Kimpembe
PSG Arsenal ready to do the deal  He’s a central defender who is 23. Daily Express who blame Le10 Sport
28 Danny Loader Reading FootballLeagueWorld.  Wales online say Cardiff want him after 10 goals in 11 games for u23. Chelsea want the 18 year old striker.
29 Marcos Llorente Real Mad Transfer Market, HITC 24 year old defensive midfield.  £13.5m
30 Malcolm Barcelona Sport Witness, FootLond Totts, Milan, Inter and Lille also after him
31 Ruslan Malinovskyi Genk Daily Canon Ukraine Midfielder
32 Kostas Manolas Roma FootLond He’s a centre back
33 Thomas Meunier PSG right back TBR Football, Arsenal Station, Mail, Sports Review Arsenal fans don’t want him (TBR)
34 Gabrielle Martinelli Ituano Metro according to reports in Brazil, also Express. Star says 5 year contract offered. 17 year old winger, equivalent of Son Heung-min FootLond
35 Harry Maguire Leicester HITC 26 year old centre back
36 Paul Mitchell Leipzig Sports Mole; 90 min, Football 365, Sky; Talkspofrt Man U and Chelsea interested
37 Neymar PSG Foot Lond go bonkers with “Excited Arsenal fans react as Neymar is linked with PSG exit”
38 N’Zonzi Roma HITC £19m; he’s considered a flop at Roma where he plays midfield
39 David Neres Everton Telegraph, Foot Lond £34.5m; talks held. Liverpool want him
40 Christopher Nkunku PSG Foot Lond, Le Parisien, Star Midfield; he’s turned down a contract renewal. We tried in Jan
41 Thomas Partey Atletico Madrid Talk Sport Midfield with a £43.5m release clause
42 Nicolas Pepe Lille 101 Great Goals, Telefoot, FootLond Star striker.  Man U also interested. “He’s on the way” (FL)
43 Ayoze Perez Newcastle Mad about EPL Inter also want him; forward or attacking midfield
Update Ivan Perisic Inter Milan Spursweb, Gazzetta dello sport. He’s a winger or a midfielder or even a number 10, and he has played 141 times for Inter Milan since 2015 and 82 times for Croatia. Tots and WHU interested. Man U lost interest
45 Dennis Praet Sampdoria Corriere dello Sport , Sport Witness, Calciomeracto and Tuttosport Midfielder or winger; package deal with Anderson
46 Benito Raman Fortna Dusseldorf Express WHU, Burnley, Everton interested
47 James Rodriguez Real Mad Sun, Corriere dello Sport.  Curiously the Sun, start by saying that Arsenal have missed out on the transfer, seemingly without having told us it was on in the first place.
NEW Ricardo Rodriguez AC Milan Full back Calciomercato and Foot Lond, each citing the other!
49 Ismaila Sarr Stade Rennais Metro.  Inside Football says he is going to Watford instead He will cost over £40m.  A 21 year old winger
Update William Saliba Saint Etienne Le 10 sport says he’s off to Man U.  Shoot, Sport Witness and Metro say Arsenal.  Mirror and  Foot Lond says it is a done deal. Read Arsenal say terms agreed. €25 million. St Etienne Centre back.  L’Equipe says he has signed a 5 year deal
51 Thomas Strakosha Lazio Daily Cannon says  Tottenham also interested citing Corriere della Sera as their source Goalkeeper
52 Dominik Szoboszlai Red Bull Salzburg Football Insider.  He played 17 games last season.  Foot Lon have done a fulsome article on how he is the new Ramsey.  Sports Mole say the cost is £9m 18 year old centre midfielder
53 Matt Targett Southampton Sun, Teamtalk Liverpool also want this left back.
54 Nicolas Tagliafico Ajax Mirror – “he’s a target for Arsenal” £17.3million release clause and he gets half!
Update Kieran Tierney Celtic Foot Lon tell is he is a left footed full back. 67HH (a Celtic site) says it would be a bad move for him.  TeamTalk says bid is about to be made. ReadArsenal say he is the man for us.  Guardian says delay is because Kroenke is refusing to agree to Celtic’s fee. 442 quote Emery as saying he’s worth every penny of the fee
56 Leandro Trossard Genk €20m according to Inside Futbol He’s a winger
57 Dorukhan Tokoz Beşiktaş He’s 23
58 Samuel Umtiti Lucas Vázquez.Barcelona Foot Lond running just about the most unlikely story of them all. The most expensive centre back in the world!
59 Upamecano Leipzig Daily Express – who say we will sign him and Anderson! Central defender
60 Lucas Vázquez. Real Madrid Mondo Deportivo and Sport Witness. He’s a 27 year old winger
61 Jordon Veretout Fiorentina Metro.  Player says he is moving “to a big club” 25m euros for Ramsey II
62 Wesley Club Brugges Sun, Calciomercato, Daily Cannon, LaLazio Forward, 22 years old
Update Wilfried Zaha Crystal Palace Sun, FootLond.  Story is he wants to go to Arsenal and Kevin Campbell says he’s the man for the job. Palace want £80m; plays right wing
64 Hakim Ziyech Ajax Foot Lond ran the story as a serious possibility for about a month but but on 19 June said story was an “obvious fake” which obviously had them taken in. Attacking midfielder
NEW Dan-Axel Zagadou Borussia Dortmund France Football Defender

Part 2: The 20 Players Leaving

Since virtually everyone is being mentioned apart from the very injured we ain’t got no new names but we have a range of updates.  But we are told that Ospina has now left.  There have been four updates and one new listing in the past week.
No Player Going to Source Notes
1 Aubameyang Real Madrid; China; Man U FootLond; Playing for 90 Caught Offside FL cite Calciomercato.  The China story cites Guangzhou Evergrande and Shanghai SIPG.  Caught offside say he has removed all traces of Arsenal from his social media sites.  FL now says he is staying.  Givemesport and Foot Lond have him going to Man U
2 Krystian Bielik ??? Sun Sun says he is not going back to the under 23 team
3 Bellerin Atletico Madrid Telegraph He has over 4 years left on his contract.  Arsenal want £50m, At Mad are offering Vitolo.
4 Chambers ??? FoodLond Off to Tottenham (HITC) no Everton (TBR)
5 Cohen ??? Untold Contract ended.
6 Elneny Roma Daily Cannon
7 Jenkinson Celtic FootLond; The Sun The Sun says he is going to Celtic. Foot Lond say it is WBA.  FootLgeWorld also says WBA
8 Kolasinac FootLond No explanation – just Arsenal want to get rid of him according to FootLond
9 Lacazette Barcelona At Madrid Express; The Week, Ev Standard He has admitted he is flattered to have been linked with a switch to Barcelona this summer.  Metro says he’s being offered a new deal.  Foot Lond says no it is not happening.
10 Macey Daily Canon Been told he can leave
Update Mkhitaryan Star, Mail Star blames the Mail for the story. Star still pushing it however.
Update Mustafi Roma Daily Cannon, “He’s up for sale” Express.  Star says Arsenal working to get rid of him
13 Eddie Nketiah Bristol C Star; FootLon Bristol paper says Br. City He will go on loan if we buy another forward.  FootLon says lower leagues in England.  Independent says it is Charlton
14 Ospina Napoli FootLond; Caught offside Daily Cannon  “He’s up for sale”  HITC says player himself says he wants to go. Napoli want to keep him and will pay €4.8m.  Indy says the deal is done.  FL says it is all signed and finished
NEW Jordi Osei-Tutu 2nd Div German side VfL Bochum Daily Cannon On loan for the season
Update Ozil FootLond, Star “He’s up for sale”
17 Smith Rowe Leipzig Foot Lond HITC “He’s staying” exclusive from FL, but others say he’s off.  HITC says he’s going on loan.
18 Sokratis Foot Lond He wants Champs Lge football
19 Suarez Chelsea Read Arsenal He’s not really an Arsenal player but he was on loan
Update Torreira AC Milan All Arsenal Rumours; Caught offside AAR create a rumour and then denying it all in one article. But Caught Off says AFC will have to sell as they need the money.  Foot Lond suddenly say no he is not going!
21 Welbeck Daily Cannon Now recovered from injury but out of contract, although Foot Lond had him as a possible player in the Uefa Cup Final
22 Xhaka Inter Milan, At Madrid Sund Express, BT Sport, Caught offside Player says he wants to move. Inter wants him.  But Suburban Gooners say he is going nowhere. At Madrid want him (Indy, Inside Foot, Metro)


Edu has already joined the club and is working away at full speed even though he’s not officially here until July.  Daily Cannon.  He’ll be presented to leading fans’ groups at the Emirates in July (Untold Arsenal – it is our one tip!)

OK; hope you got all that.  This is a record of what the media is saying, but it’s not real.  OK? Good.  Glad we got that sorted.

2 Replies to “SATIRE: 65 players the media say Arsenal are signing, 20 leaving, 1 new director”

  1. That player Brickfields was talking about, hasn’t ended up in some idjuts story list?

    How about that deer in Scotland?


    In terms of the story at or in the medja, about Rashford texting Holding saying it wasn’t malicious; I think the story in nonsense. A player need not be _intending_ to injure an opponent; in order for the incident to be malicious. If the player was taught to play this way by a coach who recognized the hazard in that particular element; that element is malicious. If that player then moves on to play for other teams and those coaches recognize that the element has excess hazard; those coaches can either move to remove that element from the player’s portfolio or they can leave it alone. If they leave it alone, that element is still malicious, and now those coaches who refused to remove have now tainted themselves with the maliciousness.

    Rashford should have been given a long suspension for what he did. I think he should still be suspended, as Holding is not yet able to play.

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