To celebrate Anorak Friday, Untold Arsenal met ex-Arsenal and ex-Blackburn superstar Aaron Fortesque Bentley, who is now knocking them in and laying them low for Hottentot Reservoirs in their crowd filled arena at Leyton Ointment. Untold Arsenal asked Mr Bentley if he was enjoying his current stint as a working foot-baller.
U-A: Are you enjoying your current stint as a working foot-baller?
Bent: Very much. I particularly enjoy the chance to have more oxygen, and that is something you only get once in a lifetime.
U-A: But although you are playing with the reserves – which means you end up playing against Arsenal’s promising 15 year olds – you feel life is good?
Bent: Life is good. Only today our manager Harry organised a special event which had the streets of Hottentotham swarming with convicts who were doing a mass run along White Hart Lane for charity. Some of the players in the first team had expressed concern about safety but we were all given colourful fancy dress and that settled everyone down and the jailbirds agreed to go home for tea.
U-A: And what of your future? Are you going to be transferred? I know Scunthorpe have expressed an interest.
Bent: I talked to our Harry, and he refused to give me information on transfers although he did agree to leave a series of cryptic clues in the middle of the High Road.
U-A: It sounds like life at the Hottentots is fun. Does Harry have any other special tricks up his sleeve?
Bent: Last week we played a reserve game in which the central defence was made entirely of dolphins. I thought it worked well – their heading ability was impressive, but Harry said it was no go.
Bent: I think it was the fact that the creatures have no legs, so they were no improvement on our current defence. They spend less time getting involved in fights in night clubs however, so I thought that was good.
U-A: Speaking of the night club incident, has the club had much involvement with the police?
Bent: Quite a lot. The Special Investigations Unit of Greater Barnet Police Authority has been investigating crowd problems at our last reserve home game, and arrested 350 people – which was more people than there in the ground. Including the players. It seems the main evidence is that none of them were church goers – and all of them have admitted that and I have to admit that looks quite damning. I don’t think this is a coincidence. One of them had his finger prints all over his hands.
U-A: But despite these setbacks and playing in the reserves all the time, are you playing good football?
Bent: Absolutely. Bad football is like a plague which spreads like a satantic cancer, and makes your hair fall out.
U-A: I understand the Hottentots are planning to build a new ground. How’s that going?
Bent: I was told there were some problems over the plan to ban pedestrians from streets around the new ground. It seems odd to me. I mean we clear the streets so the shop owners can unload their vans then they dont like it if we keep pedestrians out.
U-A: But the new ground will have the spectators right up next to the touchline?
Bent: No that was just a bit of Harry wind up. He does that to the press all the time. You have a look at the plan and you’ll see that the players are as far away from the crowd as at Arsenal. Its what Harry calls Elf and Safety. But it is in a lovely area of London. It’s right by the new skateboard park which is next to the old skateboard park.
U-A: So how do you see the future?
Bent: One more year and I am giving up football – I can get the same sensation by having a BBQ being stung by a wasp, and then getting a virus, so all this training stuff doesn’t really seem to matter much. Besides I was involved in an ITE.
U-A: What’s that?
Bent: In transit eventuality with a VPFE
Bent: Vehicular power front end – it hit the car in front due to an IVIAHTS –
Bent: Inappropriate velocity impact absorbing hydraulic trumpet system. Don’t you know nothing?
U-A: So what do you think about Hottentot supporters?
Bent: Harry keeps giving us reports about them so we know how lucky we are to play in front of them. I read this report on their web site which said that 52% of Hottentot supporters have heard of patio doors. 99% own a helicopter, 64% own two traction engines, and 83% believe swimming should be illegal in the Borough of Haringey. Did you know that to vote in June’s European elections you must own four dogs?
U-A: And your ambition?
Bent: Well I already work for the National Sperm Council of Great Britain, and I’ve won the Best Use of Sound Award for two years running, so I have done a lot. Obviously I’d like to become Doctor Who, I am appearing in a charity match to campaign for the release from Lebanon of Paul McCartney, and I want be more stylish.
U-A: Ah but that begs the question – what is style?
Bent: It is a wooden thing that helps you get over a fence and avoid the leaves.
This work of fiction is dedicated to “James Le Beak” who for weeks gave readers of Untold Arsenal the run around. Lifting copyright text from web sites chosen seemingly at random he spouted a wide variety of opinion and got many readers – and myself as editor – to answer his increasingly wild and bizarre assertions. We were had – and we’re mans and womens enough to admit it.
In return James I hope you enjoy this one. Like your work it bears no relation to reality or to any person dead or living, or in any other state of existence.
With acknowledgement to the old days at On The Hour. All abuse to Bent@Hottentots.info
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