Incredible journalist makes predictions over Arsenal transfers (satire)

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Untold’s regular round up of the ever more desperate fantasy make believe of England’s semi-skimmed journalists.

“Unai Emery’s summer transfer budget is not restricted to just £40million, according the Arsenal’s managing director Vinai Venkatesham.”

That’s in the Metro today.   And was on Untold Arsenal yesterday.   Never mind.  At least they didn’t say “Exclusive”

“Dani Ceballos joining Arsenal is bad news for two of Unai Emery’s players” – screams the Express.

Of course what the Excess cannot tell you and indeed dare not tell you is that this story comes from the most bonkers of all the bonkers commentators, the arch Wenger hater, and failed coach at Wimbledon, Southend and bankrupted Rushden and Diamonds (where he was technical director), Stewart Robson.

And the bad news comes because if Arsenal buy Ceballos then a couple of other players will be removed from the club, they claim.

Just Arsenal News however go another way with “Credible journalist gives update on latest Arsenal transfers”   And there I have a really big problem.  Have you ever met a credible journalist?  I haven’t.

And this is really the point.  Some headlines are just plain puzzling, like, “£13m man makes huge Arsenal transfer claim despite recent move.”

Now this one comes from Football.London, or FoLo as it is known on the street.   And we were interested to find out how HUGE the “huge” claim was.   Here is the story.

“Bundesliga starlet Xaver Schlager has opened up on his desire to play for Arsenal in the future less than a month after his €15m (£12m) transfer switch to Wolfsburg.”

OK so he has just had a transfer for £12m and has said that he wants to play for Arsenal one day.  And that is HUGE?   I mean REALLY?

Meanwhile we get “Report: Unai Emery hints at veteran not being in his Arsenal plans” (The Transfer Tavern).   And OK We know this is going to be a laugh as it is the notorious Transfer Tavern, which used to try to suggest that it actually was a pub where boozers talked football.   Thankfully that trivia has gone, but what of this story.

So this is a big revelation from the manager OK?


Right.  The story is that Koscielny might not be in Emery’s plans for this season.

Yep I knew that would shock you.  So moving on…

“Report claims why Tottenham Hotspur are missing out on 22-year-old.”  (Ninety Minutes Online).

OK this one says that the reason Ceballos has come to Arsenal not Tottenham has nothing to do with Tottenham’s complete lack of league titles since 1961 and stunning lack of FA cups since 1991 but because the Tottenham squad is so strong he fears he won’t get a chance there.

Tottenham finished one point above Arsenal last season.

Anyway, “Jeremie Aliadiere unconvinced by Arsenal’s pursuit of Gremio star Everton”  says the Metro.   And what Aliadiere said was, “I really like Everton Soares. I saw him play at the Copa America and he was terrific. He was quick and sharp and skilful but he wasn’t very strong and in the Premier League you need to be. I am not so sure that a winger is an area where Arsenal need to buy at the moment.”

Is that worthy of a headline?   Well, I suppose if you have nothing else to say it is.

Moving on, “Dani Ceballos signing will give Unai Emery new Mesut Ozil problem, claims Steve Nicol” in the Metro.  And the reason is “Nicol believes Emery would be better served, however, concentrating on reinforcing Arsenal’s notoriously porous defence rather than add to his attacking options with a player who shares many of Ozil’s attacking characteristics.”   Not much actual analysis of numbers and the home/away issue there.

And now for the new twist that has started to turn up everywhere.  The notion of the “credible journalist”  As in “Credible journalist gives update on latest Arsenal transfers from Just Arsenal News.”

I suppose that makes me an “incredible journalist.”

Anyway if that is not enough for you, try this one: “Former boss Sam Allardyce – Wilfried Zaha needs to leave Crystal Palace.”

So what is the credibility of The Rather Large Sam who was sacked by the FA for taking money from dodgy journalists in drag?    Sports Mole obviously think he has some and so go on reporting it.  Or him.  We’re not sure quite why.   So moving on again…

“Arsenal manager Unai Emery makes Manchester United Premier League prediction.”

That is in the Manchester Evening News and the story is that our boss thinks Man U has potential.  Wow, wow and thrice …. well you know.   

Arsenal must end Wilfried Zaha transfer pursuit and stop embarrassing themselves,” says the Daily Star.  Good, I’m glad we know that.  How about “Journalists should stop quoting £40m budget for Arsenal, which the club has denied, and stop embarrassing themselves.”

‘Dani Ceballos doesn’t help them’ – Arsenal slammed over transfer as deal nears completion” shouts the website of the Express in reply.  And the glorious intellect that does the slamming… well it is the “legendary Liverpool full-back Steve Nicol.”   And of course he is utterly unbiased in matters Arsenal.

At least “Arsenal Fans Demand Rob Holding Be Named Club Captain After He Refuses To Sign Tottenham Shirt” from SPORTbible is clear and we know where they are.  It’s a bit of a laugh and quite amusing too.

But then consider the headline “Arsenal: Why is Unai Emery pondering over an obvious decision?” from the blog Playing for 90.  Here they take the convoluted possibility that Nelson might be loaned out again rather than be part of the squad, and they don’t get it.  So there we are.  Wasn’t really worth battling through all those adverts to get there was it?


The media against the Arsenal 

We have recently published a series of articles on the link between the Arsenal club, its supporters and the media through the ages.  While we may think of disputes between fans and the club, and indeed the club and the media, as being a recent phenomenon such differences of opinion go back to the very formation of Woolwich Arsenal.

1: Supporters and the media against The Arsenal. How it all started.

2: “Nothing is ever good enough for this crowd”

3: The crowd and the media against the Arsenal part 3

4: The crowd and the media against the Arsenal part 4: modern times.

11 Replies to “Incredible journalist makes predictions over Arsenal transfers (satire)”

  1. I think the solution to these rags is one that should be considered for the spuds also. Consortium of billionaires pool some cash, buy the spuds and the above mentioned rags and close the fu****g lot of them down

  2. There should be a requirement to establish the difference between real journalists (who went to university and achieved degrees) and writers of blogs and some newspaper articles.
    I don’t know of one ex player who would qualify as journalist (although some like Peter Crouch are quite entertaining), but many for some reason seem to be under the impression that they are fully paid members of the union. And with all due respect to Tony most bloggers are just wannabes (like Tim of 7am who’s ambition is to write for the Guardian)and sometimes failed journos.
    Dani Ceballos says that it was Hector Bellarin (who he knows outside of football) who convinced him to sign for Arsenal. That from Arseblog who is generally a reliable source.

  3. Us Gooners are waiting for the next Arsenal move in the transfer market to see who next they’ll sign after they’ve announced Sabila and Ceballos signings. But a media report is saying the signing of Tierney by Arsenal is close. Okay, if that’s the case, therefore, us are eagerly waiting for Arsenal announcement of Tierney arrival to the Ems very soon then. Which if done will bring to an end of Arsenal signing transfer that has turned to a saga.

    To me anyway, if Arsenal concluded their signing of Tierney as being envisaged. I don’t see them signing another specialist defender again this summer despite the cries by a large section of the Gooners who are telling the club to sign a centre-back defender this summer. For, if the number of centrebacks currently on ground at the Ems is taken into account, Arsenal don’t need to do a centreback signing this summer imo. Except if they want to offload one of Sokratis, Mustafi and Chambers. With the latter arguably able to play at centre-half-back posotios for Arsenal. And serves as replacement to Koscielny if he quits from Arsenal this summer. Moreover, the young Mavropanous is there at Arsenal waiting in the wing to fly in to play as centreback at the snap of Unai Emery’s fingers. Although, news coming out says Mavro’ is down nursing an injury which leaves me a little unsettled as Mavropanous constantly seems to be nursing an injury as if he’s prone to having injury at Arsenal. But Jenkinson who can play at both the rightback and centreback positions can cover for him. And I believe Arsenal won’t ship-in the 51 goals they shipped in last season but less than 20 next season.

    So, in this ongoing summer signings, Arsenal will focus of course on another next target after they’ve completed the signing of Tierney to sign a new forward as replacement to Danny Welbeck.

    But I believe Arsenal are better informed on this. However, if the club are not selling one of their forwards of: Aubameyang, Lacazette and Nkethia this summer, who can all play as a no 9 striker, I think it’s the wing area of their team squad that needs upgrading with a versatile winger signing this summer.

    In this wise, the 3 names of, Zaha, Everton and Pepe have been linked with Arsenal for signing this summer. But my preference is Arsenal should sign Everton Soares. And this is because Everton has proved he is a big time winner at national level for Brazil in the last Copa America that was hosted by Brazil and won by them. But it was Everton that played a leading role for Brazil victory in the final as he scored a goal and influenced another one when he won a penalty for his team which finally gave Brazil a 3-1 win over Peru.

    If Arsenal are courageous to sign Everton this summer, I think he’ll bring the fresh winning mentality he’s just had in the Copa America to Arsenal and helps us to not only make one of the PL top-four places next season. But he could even play brilliantly on consistent basis scoring goals in number and gives some assists to help Arsenal win the PL title next season.

  4. SAA
    Please note that Josef posted at 11.40 that we had signed Nicolas Pepe, a comment which checks out.

  5. If the Pepe story is really true and we do get him it is fantastic news, he is a terrific player. He knocks Zaha into a cocked hat and at just 21 he is a lot younger. Maybe the Zaha stuff was a red herring and Pepe was the target all along.

  6. Tony

    “Dani Ceballos joining Arsenal is bad news for two of Unai Emery’s players”

    As we all know Robson is an absolute idiot.

    Surely whenever a club buys a player it’s going to be bad news for at least one player, the one he has be brought in to replace.

    But we should be over the moon with the signing of Ceballos because according to mush for brains he’s so good he’s going to replace not 1 but 2 players!

    But it’s not just typical of Robson but just about every ‘credible journalist’ that they somehow manage to find a negative take on just about everything Arsenal do.

  7. Nitram

    You are so right! If there is any positive news about Arsenal, you just know that there would be manufactured negative news to counteract the positive news. Alternatively, they would lamely attempt to spin some negativity from the positive news. And the biggest culprits are mass circulation, integrity-free newspapers like the Sun and Daily mail. The only mystery is, if there is an invisible hand co-ordinating the conspiracy of hatred for our club.

  8. Tony
    I was absolutely in splits that you had to write and indicate Satire in the title. Its just the way of the world now that people do not take the time to read and understand anything anymore.
    World-wide the off-beat sarcastic sense of humour is on its way towards extinction. I feel like a rare breed of tiger now.( Atleast their count is going up in India! :))

  9. Mihir, actually I was told to do it by Newsnow after they had a complaint from someone that they read one of my stories of this nature, and didn’t realise the headline was a bit of fun.

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