The craziest, funniest and most bizarre Arsenal headlines of the week

By Sir Hardly Anyone

What with the window cleaning season being over it is now time for me to take a peek at what our fellow commentators have been saying in the last couple of days.

These come in no order but surely…

1: Motherwell pub boss backs grounded Kieran Tierney to shine at Arsenal from the Daily Record has to be given some sort of 10/10 ranking when it appears on a list of Arsenal stories.  A certain level of “so what” might be in order.   At least until you read on and see what comes next.

2:  For at once similar thoughts arise with our second entry today which isWhat time is Carabao Cup draw? TV information and live stream details for second round ties” which again is not so funny in itself but is pretty odd when it turns up on an Arsenal listing from The Daily Mirror which from the headline doesn’t seem to know that we don’t play in the second round.

What makes it funny is that the Mirror Boys (who also run Football.London see below) do know this perfectly well, for having posted it with an Arsenal tag they then say in their article, “Man City, Man United, Arsenal, Chelsea, Tottenham, Liverpool and Wolves will not be in the draw.”  I’m glad we got that sorted.  I wouldn’t want the Mirror to be wasting our time.

3: Paul Merson says Arsenal new-boy’s old club will lose ‘left, right and centre’ after selling him gets a mention simply because we can all imagine Merson saying it.  “New boy’s old club” is a goodie in itself but followed by graphic representations of the location, and you have it all.  Thank you, The Boot Room.

4: Top prize for the blinding obious goes of course to talkSprout who tell us that Impressive stat proves just how good Aubameyang has been for Arsenal.  But surely, we already knew didn’t we?

Their stat is how many goals various players have scored after 50 PL matches.  Our lad is 5th in the table with 33 goals.  Jolly good show I say.

5: Arsenal’s missing XI highlights squad depth from She wore a yellow ribbon tells us just how much of a turnaround we have had in recent days with bright cheery headlines giving everyone feels good.  Extraordinary after nine months of doom and gloom.

6: Although this is rather spoiled by the negativity of the Boot Room who say, and this is all the headline,  Pattern of Arsenal’s season established, as Emery’s youngsters light the way & experience flops  It is an anti-Mkhitaryan piece, although you probably guessed that.

7:  Arsenal Undersold Iwobi By 11.3 Million Pounds, Claims Investment Company from All Nigeria Soccer leads the charge which a lot of sites go along with, although I am not sure any of the writers truly understood the maths behind the notion that Iwobi was worth more than Arsenal got for him.

8:  And talking money, the glorious set of tweets from Swiss Ramble which go through ten different ways of accounting for Arsenal’s summer spending is best promoted by The Short Fuse with their headline “Arsenal’s summer transfer spending, explained (by an expert, not me)

9: Spurs fans quizzed: ‘Would You Rather’ finish above Arsenal or win a trophy? 

That Squawka headline really doesn’t need any text to follow it, but its my column so I’ll write it if I want to.  If we just take the 1990s, and the 2000s (that is to say the last 29 years) we get, for the very Tiny Totts the FA Cup in 1991, the League Cup in 1999 and 2008, and … and… oh, well the Charity Shield in 1992 when they were joint holders.  Joint holders in a competition with two entrants.   (And yes they celebtrate that on their website).

You might notice a lack of League Titles, or all those European trophies they are so famed for.  Odd that.  Perhaps they fell down in a crack under old white hart lane.

10: Celtic Captain Names Tierney’s Next Club After Arsenal

All Arsenal Rumours gave me a laugh with that one.   The poor lad has not even got the ice pack off his limbs and he’s moving on.

11: Arsenal Fans That Want Ozil and Kolasinac Sold are a Disgrace 

Just Arsenal News gets it right.  That is disgraceful.  To my mind we should show great solidarity with the players and stand by them, supporting the police and working for a more peaceful society.  

12:    Arsenal and Unai Emery to receive surprise windfall that will boost January transfer budget

Now here Football.London popped along with a story I just had to read although I had a nasty feeling that I knew where it was going the moment FoLo did its normal thing of writing one sentence paragraphs that repeat the headline with “Arsenal could be set to receive another timely windfall ahead of the January transfer window”.

They went on, “Amid reports in the summer that head coach Unai Emery had just £45m to work with following the club’s double failure at securing Champions League football for this season, there were plenty of suggestions for how the Gunners could increase the transfer budget.

“One was to ask owner Stan Kroenke for a cash injection and another was to raise funds with the help of a former player.”

Well yes, FoLo, but Arsenal denied it, and most of us knew it was completely untrue before anything happened.  And is there more?   Well pretty diddly amounts that might be made with Ismael Bennacer’s move to AC Milan as they reportedly included a 30% sell-on fee clause after selling him to Empoli.”

OK fair enough, but a bit undone by the next line which was, “They also raised funds by selling Alex Iwobi to Everton for a reported £40m fee on transfer deadline day last week.   And now there’s talk of another windfall coming their way which is great news ahead of the winter window – even though it’s still four months away.”

And, we may pause to ask, who reported the £40m fee?  Why it was FoLo!!!  Except they appear to have removed all their news stories relating to it.  That’s rather odd!

Anyway someone told them that Jeff Reine-Adelaide is going to (“set to” in FoLo Lingo) join Lyon from Angers for €25m + €5m and Ouest-France “confirm” it was a 10% sell on clause.

Just like the Bennacer deal, Arsenal included a sell-on clause.  So there you have it.

If you have been, thank you for reading, and I will have some more gibberish as soon as there is some.  Which is probably in five minutes.