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A radical solution to the problem of football journalists

Dear Loyal and  Hardcore Regular  Untolders ,

I think that a fellow regular Untold Arsenal poster, Les Williams, and myself may have inadvertently stumbled upon a million pound idea, which may not only enrich our  UE coffers, but  may also bring much joy, happiness and possibly solace to our regulars, and the Arsenal fandom at large.

This idea occurred when we were posting on this thread – Arsenal’s biggest problem? All the negative journalists and bloggers. … A very  fine article, by the way.

I said –  Brickfields Gunners – 14/10/2019 at 12:51 pm –

From the evidence so far, I think that they are hired as pundits, as they make fine puppets, and don’t mind having a hand up their arses.

Also they all useless as managers, and probably in any other job too.   Would you hire any of these clowns, well other than clowns for your kids’ parties?   Or as a pinata?

And Les Williams said – 14/10/2019 at 10:55 pm-

@Brickfields Gunners – I can see a great opportunity in providing pundit shaped pinatas for all kinds of parties. There is surely an untapped demand for this. I would definitely take a swipe.

And wham , bam , hog  damn, a great money making  idea was born –  THE PUNDIT PINATAS!

Take a moment to let it sink in. There would be very few fans (or maybe only just their family members!) who would not like to beat the living shit out of these pundits!  Or ‘ infuse’  some logic into them!  But neither this site, nor the more sane Untolders, condone  such violent  and base tendencies, however much we may feel justified or inclined to make our mark upon them.

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I guess like most, I too have fantasied trapping one of them in some dark alley, and giving them a piece of my mind.  Or maybe  firmly hammering home my point.  But all this being illegal, we have the next best thing – Pundit pinatas. You can take out all your  football frustrations on these life-like dolts.  We will chose to not call them dolls , but rather dolts. It sounds rather apt and  more accurate.

We could start by replicating the preening bunch of clods and clowns  presently appearing  ad nauseam on tv  daily. This would  help save on the damage to  the remote controls, or to the TVs themselves . Or may give respite even to their spouses who may  inadvertently blurt out, ” For goodness sake, its only a game !”

Before we proceed, we will run a poll on this site to see which models are most likely to sell. Please send in your requests for us for consideration. Already in the works are those models of Riley’s boys of the  PIGMOB, Club chairmen and  certain selected managers – past and present!

These  pundit pinatas will be  hardy, washable and  are eco-friendly, but  also can be safely burnt without any untoward or noxious emissions into the atmosphere. Unlike the real ones!

They can also be used as punching bags; dummies for football freekick practices; for trolling  people and animals on Youtube videos; to keep off birds and  other wildlife  from your crops; etc. Using them  to make a point as voodoo dolls is not advisable.

We are also confident that the following  special pinata models will be in great demand for Halloween and Guy Fawkes Night – The Donald, The Boris, The May! As well as most world leaders and politicians.

Order now, so as not to be disappointed!
Yours in satire,
Brickfields Gunners

PS: If this works, I’ll be trying to pitch this  idea on ‘Shark Tank’.

Footnote: According to Wiki, a similar tradition in Denmark is slå katten af tønden (“hit the cat out of the barrel”) in which a wooden barrel is struck to release candy.

19 comments to A radical solution to the problem of football journalists

  • Nitram

    I hope they are going to be cheap as this could end up costing me a fortune. Not only will I be ordering dozens of the damn things, they’re unlikely to last as long as a walk around the Spuddies trophy room.

    So erring on the side of caution I’d like to start with just the one.

    I find this person particularly obnoxious, so obnoxious in fact that even though I haven’t heard his nauseating voice for well over 3 years now I still get that sicky little lump in the back of my throat just at the mere mention of his name. Even now I am sitting with a sick bowl on my lap just in case.

    And the name of the Pinata is of course none other than that cretinous fool, Adrian Durham.

    Can I ask one thing though.

    Could you make him quite small and waterproof, because rather than hitting him with a stick, which after all takes much more effort than this particular characters deserves, I would rather pop him into my loo and hit him on the head with something far more befitting a dullard of his standing.

  • Gord

    The Sun and the Mirror both want their staff to become pinata.

  • MickHazel

    I want an Adrian Durham one too. And a Paul Merson one and a Stewart Robson and a Gary Neville and a Jamie Carragher and an Alan Smith and a….. must stop or I will be here all night.

  • Nitram

    Gord

    Surely the first thing they would like is for them to become literate !

  • Gord

    More disappointment on the medja. It has been how long since the womens game ended, and there are no news articles on the game.

  • Gord

    As far as literate goes. A local plumbing contractor has a sigh up:

    You can’t cure stupid, but you can numb it with a 2×4.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ Nitram – 16/10/2019 at 4:21 pm – A POOP DA PINATA ? And flushable too ? Hmmmmmmmm ..(thinking) , great idea …Kaching ! And our possible list of products enlarges .

    My only concern is that whilst they may not pollute the waterways, being eco-friendly and dissolvable , they may frighten the poor marine life ! Unlike those cute rubber duckies that were found floating on the seas.

    Just imagine this scenario- those little cute fishys are swiming along peacefuly in their respective schools, when suddenly the are confonted by million of dolts in the likeness of the Neviles, Scholes and Keanes ! Or (shudders !) – Mersons !

    @ Gord – 16/10/2019 at 7:50 pm – This is a tricky one . Their heads are rather hollow ! But their bottoms are full of it !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ Nitram – 16/10/2019 at 4:21 pm – A POOP DA PINATA ? And flushable too ? Hmmmmmmmm ..(thinking) , great idea …Kaching ! And our possible list of products enlarges .

    My only concern is that whilst they may not pollute the waterways, being eco-friendly and dissolvable , they may frighten the poor marine life ! Unlike those cute rubber duckies that were found floating on the seas.

    Just imagine this scenario- those little cute fishys are swiming along peacefuly in their respective schools, when suddenly the are confonted by million of dolts in the likeness of the Neviles, Scholes and Keanes ! Or (shudders !) – Mersons !

    @ Gord – 16/10/2019 at 7:50 pm – This is a tricky one . Their heads are rather hollow ! But their bottoms are full of it !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. 

    He says “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be. 

    The first spinster says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone. 

    The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone. 

    The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” 

    St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. 

    “Sara Pipalini” replies the old spinster. 

    St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” 

    The old gal then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
    He hands it back to her and says “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.” 

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Arsene Wenger claims that the ‘ coaching devil ‘is inside him , Says , ” It does not mean that I am a devil , but the devil is inside me . And yes , he is happy to have this devil inside him !” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2TacoZ5GH0 .
    He goes on to say that he is now ready to entertain big clubs interests in him , after turning down many other offers before .
    Is he hinting that he is about to take over at United ?
    Will he be installed as their manager by next week , especially if United lose points this weekend , and as they away from the top six places ?
    Will the ‘Arsene Out ! ‘ brigade rejoice , show remose or will they implode ?

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ Nitram – 16/10/2019 at 4:21 pm – A POOP DA PINATA ? And flushable too ? Hmmmmmmmm ..(thinking) , great idea …Kaching ! And our possible list of products enlarges .

    My only concern is that whilst they may not pollute the waterways, being eco-friendly and dissolvable , they may frighten the poor marine life ! Unlike those cute rubber duckies that were found floating on the seas.

    Just imagine this scenario- those little cute fishys are swiming along peacefuly in their respective schools, when suddenly the are confonted by million of dolts in the likeness of the Neviles, Scholes and Keanes ! Or (shudders !) – Mersons !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Was trying to post a reply to Nitram and Gord , but it keeps going into moderation , as well as completely off my screen
    Sorry if it reappears in triplicate !

  • Mark Mywords

    I’d have to say, the easiest solution to the problem of football journalists is not to read/listen to them.
    How difficult is that?
    Turning them into the subject of endless research?
    Counter productive and bad for your mental health, Tony

  • Les Williams

    maybe we could make POOP pinatas and normal ones?

    There would be a premium with Paul Merson ones as they would be the most popular

  • Mikey

    If you’re proposing that we have a real pundit to beat the crap out of, can I put in an order for one, if not both, of the Neville brothers please.

  • Nitram

    Brickfields, Mark and Les.

    I agree, I think we’re on to something here.

    If you could incorporate a removable skull cap exposing the void within, each ‘movement’ would fill the void, thereby perfectly replicating the real thing.

    I think there could be a market for Pinatas with poop filled craniums.

    I mean lets be honest, there seems to be a market for journalists with poop filled craniums.

  • Les Williams

    Mikey can I help you best the crap out of these two…please

  • Brickfields Gunners

    And the orders roll in ! Maybe Christmas this year will bring great cheer to many.
    PS , please hang up large stockings this year !

  • Nitram

    Les Williams and Mikey

    I fill the Pinatas with crap.

    You 2 kick it out of them.

    I feel something beautiful is happening.

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