Arsenal’s next transfer: one of these five (plus five youngsters tipped)

By Sir Hardly Anyone

As you will know if you have been paying attention 134 players have now been tipped to be coming to Arsenal this summer.  And having reached that number, the wild and wacky inventors employed by newspapers and blogs have pretty much run out not just of ideas but also of players.

So all we have are updates on the transfers, as the drunken sloths that make up these tales slip over each other in the Toppled Bollard public house (home to the journalistic elite) regurgitating yesterday’s rumours with ever more frantic updates.

Take the man from the Express who I met while scrabbling on the floor for my notebook which I had dropped after bumping into the lady from the Times.   I could see that, if not actually disgruntled in his search for a new name he could announce, he was far from being gruntled.

Ultimately he told me of Edouard who he claimed had “emerged as a high priority target to be signed from Celtic.   He has apparently scored 21 goals in 27 Scottish Premiership games, as well as 12 assists.   Seemingly Aston Villa and Man U want him.  “And Arsenal?” I asked.  “Oh we always throw their name in, just to keep the readership interested,” he said.

Stumbling on across the room, the man from the Star was complaining about others nicking his story.  The Bollard has its own journalistic integrity force of course, but the Star man felt they were not up to much.  “A chap who’s supposed to stop chaps pinching things things from chaps having a chap come along and pinch something from him,” he said, before announcing that “Arsenal know what must be done to sign Thomas Partey from Atletico Madrid.”   The answer appears to be “pay some money” and they will get this by selling Guendouzi, Ozil, Sokratis and Holding.

The man from the Boot Room website wanted to tell me that Ceballos will not be allowed to sign for Arsenal permanently, but I told him that story was everywhere and was hardly a scoop. In reply he uttered a stricken cry like a bull-dog that has been refused cake and I moved on.

Next in my line of vision was the man from Caughtoffside, who told me that he had only two stories to tell me, but unfortunately had forgotten one of them.  Opening his notebook he then read out the line “Talks held: Arsenal not done with summer spending as they eye classy playmaker transfer.”

“And what is that in English?” I asked

“Conversations have reportedly taken place over a potential transfer deal taking Lyon midfielder Houssem Aouar to Arsenal this summer,” he replied.

I said, “Conversations?” and he replied “Conversations!” and after that we seemed to run out of things to say.

And then of course there was the man from Football London, or FoLo as those of us in the know like to call it.  “Still on the 40 a day?” I asked, to which he replied in stern tones, “It has sometimes seemed to me that to the modern craze for transferring may be attributed all the unhappiness that is afflicting the world today…”

I asked him what he meant and he replied, “Houssem Aouar is the player to make Mikel Arteta’s midfield dreams come true at Arsenal,” before wandering off.    I tried to tell him that he had missed out the classy playmaker bit, but I lost the fellow in the crush.

Meandering around I was then told that Thomas Partey won’t force a move to Arsenal (Goal) and that Thomas Partey is keen to leave Atletico (The Top Flight).   Also it seems Al-Nassr have offered to take Ozil off Arsenal’s hands.

And at that point I was about to leave when the Hard Tackle came up with a list of Arsenal players who are about to make an impact this season, having not broken through before.  It was the most sensible thing I had heard all day, the list being…

  • Folarin Balogun
  • Ben Cottrell
  • Tyreece John-Jules
  • Miguel Azeez
  • Omari Hutchinson

Just one of those making a breakthrough, could really add quite a bonus, and with that thought all that was left for me to do was to find a way out of the Bollard.

As one experienced in such ventures I knew exactly what to do, for it had once been described to me by a man from the Star, pointing in admiration at Untold’s famed editor.  “He moves from point to point with as little uproar as a jellyfish,” he said, and that is what I did, thus bringing you my posting, only 15 minutes after the 8am deadline.

2 Replies to “Arsenal’s next transfer: one of these five (plus five youngsters tipped)”

  1. Is there anything that can be done to assist these denizens of the night who inhabit the Toppled Bollard ?
    Could they serve a better purpose such as shoring up their crumbling hostelry?
    Major Proudfoot
    Lampwick Acres
    Chipping Sodbury

  2. “….. pointing in admiration at Untold’s famed editor. “He moves from point to point with as little uproar as a jellyfish,”

    And I’m assuming that the ‘famed(?)’ editor moves away from all manner of piss (talk) just like the jellyfish ?

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