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By Billy “The Dog” McGraw
The Premier League has announced that it is to carry out what it calls a “major and significant” enquiry into match fixing at the Aston Villa vs Arsenal game today.
“It is self-evident,” said Sir Hardly Anyone, president of the EPL, “that this match was fixed. This is, as everyone knows, the worst Arsenal team ever. Worse than the Arsenal team that played such second rate football under Bruce Rioch. Worse than the team the season before that when Arsenal came in 14th. Worse than the 1912/13 team that got relegated from the first division, after not winning a single match at home.
“I know all this to be true, because I have read it every day for the past 3 weeks on El Tott, the famous Arsenal blog. Il Tottatore, as it is sometimes known, has made it quite clear that Mr Wenger, the worst manager of the worst Arsenal team ever, should leave at once and there should be demonstrations against him.
“But at the Aston Villa ground while much of the time you could not hear the home support, the Arsenal support was overwhelming. How could this be when Le Twat never gets it wrong? La Tit is a great publication and I always rely on it to tell me how to think,” said Sir Hardly. “Something must be done!
“How can such a team playing such truly awful football be top of the league even for just five minutes?
“There was general agreement that the first goal could not have been because Arshavin is useless, and should not have been signed,” he added. “Nasri is clearly past his sell-by date and could not have scored the second goal. Chamakh was a free transfer and therefore clearly useless, and thus could never have got the third, and since Jack Wilshere is English, he should not have been playing for Arsenal because Elle Tottie makes it clear that Arsenal is now taken over by an anti-English clique.”
There was further concern at the EPL when it was found that Arsenal are top of the league as a result of this game.
“This is a major problem,” added Sir Hardly. “The brand of the EPL is very important. Never in the history of the earth, which as you know celebrates its 4600 million birthday next week, has there been a situation where the worst team in the league is actually top, if only for an hour or two. I suspect interference on a cosmic scale and expect an announcement from CERN in foreign parts, that they had a nuclear hand in this devilish affair.
“It is well known that Mr Wenger only won his three titles including two doubles because he was fortunate enough to inherit a brilliant team, especially in defence, and the fact that this defence played out a season in which they were 14th just 18 months before he arrived has nothing to do with it,” said Sir Hardly.
Untold requested a response from Los Idiotos, the famous retrograde blog, but they remained quiet. A planned demonstration in north London has been called off.
Speaking to a world-wide TV audience after the game my beloved partner, Bogus Cheese, said,
“It is sad to see a famous old stadium like this so quiet an empty. Villa have deliberately reduced the number of Arsenal tickets they sell because the fans make far too much noise, and you could even hear them on Sky. And of course I was worried because it was time for Jack’s afternoon nap when he scored, but the little fellow managed to keep going somehow.
“It is amazing how we manage to win these games with no goalkeeper (I know this because Mes Totts & Tottettes, the Arsenal blog, tell me so), with two full backs who are the worst in the league (ditto), with the worst pairing of centre backs anywhere in the known universe, with a mid-field made out of anti-matter, and a forward line that seems to think that kicking the ball in a forwards direction is rather an old fashioned experienced.
“But for a final view, I turned to Tony Attwood, our editor, who can always be relied upon to give a serious, moral, decent and well-considered intellectual response to these games. I asked him what he thought. Here’s his reply….”
“We’re fucking top of the league,” he said.
And that I suppose sums it up.
Happy days.
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Want to argue against Wenger and his philosophy? Then you must read this first, or your comment may not be published
I love this blog, but your obsession with Le Grove is quite pathetic.
Can’t we, as Arsenal fans, just enjoy an excellent away win without arguing amongst ourselves?
Are you being sarcastic?
lolz…
i just hate le twat and commentators who started supporting arsenal because of arsene (glory hunting b&#$%%@) and now comment “love arsenal hate wenger”!!!(just ridiculous,(this is the very man who put arsenal from the bottom of obscurity and put it right on the world map with a size of budget equivalent to le twat’s brain, in the presence of money spinners united, gave arsenal loyals a new state of art stadium, gave arsenal it’s current identity….i can count on and on and on)).
and what does he gets in return????disgraceful fans….sometimes i think arsenal fans don’t deserve arsene but may be prayers of fans like tony and co. were and are more louder than whining of no brainers, and arsenal got arsene.
and those of you who r about to start moaning about 2 goals that we conceded…grow up, those were 2 brilliant goals, nothing cud hav been done about them.
We may or may not win the title but still iam proud of the way arsenal been and being run.
you are a donkeys ass
we finally show clinical fiishing and solidity at te back and you make this blog.
douchebag
no, it’s not obsession with le twat it’s obsession with arsenal. ppl who know a b c d and think can abuse arsenal(players and manager) and think get away with it becoz they consider themselves fans or in the name of “trying to be different” than arsenal.com should be held accountable. Negetivity is ok, but spreading negetivity becoz one doesn’t have brains is not.
I think we shud make fun of those who make fun of arsenal…we have every right to…even if they call themselves arsenal fans.
yeah what ever,just waite for the next home game and you will find out how much they have improved. beating piss poor villa dosent convince me. it was almost the repeat of last saturday. this team hasnt improved infact the others have gone worse. come may you’ll be justifying wenger as usual with same old bullshit. low budget young team my a*se…
When I read this headline I thought you must be referring to the 1st Villa goal and the blatant offside position Carew took up in front of Fabianski completely obscuring his view and making it impossible to make a serious attempt at a save, not that any of the officials saw it that way. There was a brilliant view of it on Sky with Fabianski leaning and straining to see round one side of Carew and the ball going the other side of him. If that isn’t interfereing with play what the hell is? At that point I thought we may as well give in gracefully and submit to the inevitable as everything is against us, however it all turned out fine in the end. Good job I haven’t got a weak heart!!!
@bert
no, their will be a full scale inquiry on this. How can useless arsenal win at a place where so called title contenders cudn’t. :p
@reality check
change ur name to brain dead
critic
you’ll be changing your name to Wenger critic come may son.
Reality check, Man U have relinquished (that means given up) several leads this season, are you equally unconvinced about Fergie and his team. Maybe he should go as well as Wenger, they are both useless.
Often the best weapon against ignorance and stupidity is humour. As the above article demonstrates very sweetly.
Having said that Blackburn’s predictable capitulation against the Mancs is making my blood boil. I won’t share my thoughts on Fat Sam as it’s before the watershed.
@critic I’m not saying I agree with much of what’s written on Le Grove, in fact I agree with very little of it. I just think that, on this site, we should rise above the silly name-calling and childish feuding, which is, sadly, exhibited far too much between Arsenal fans nowadays.
I think everyone here becomes complacent like the Arsenal team after every win.
mick
man u havnt lost this season yet. one could imagine there worst team ever assembeled is at the top of the league at this moment of time. in a player to player comparison we might be well ahead of them but what wenger boosts about all the time they actully show that on the pitch, i.e winning mentality and spirit. losing to two newly promoted sides and totscum at home is no joke my friend. if chelsea had the same team as last year and man u with ron and tevez in the team they would’ve been 10 points clear of us by now. wengers ego and stubborness is damaging his lagacy.
It’s disgusting the way these referees keep giving us all these decisions and gifting us goals, something must be done! To make matters worse, they are now denying our opposition perfectly legal goals just to put us top of the league!!! It is appalling, as a REAL Arsenal fan I want to see us in the relegation zone!
What is even more sickening is the way some sections of fans are actually HAPPY when we win matches! What is wrong with you people??? At some point we are going to lose!! Maybe not this week, maybe not next week, maybe not for quite a while in fact, but mark my words we WILL lose another game at some point and it will be UNACCEPTABLE.
What are you gonna do then, huh?? Admit it, you’ll make excuses and rationalise the glaaaaring problems in the team because of all those meaningless games we won!
(Sarcasm is fun)
In an honest opinion, i think there are many many many places where we can improve. I think the 1st place to start with is the mentality of the players. Most of the players sometimes get panicked in tricky situation and make many errors. Also the complacency factor is a major problem with this team. We have 2-3 consecutive wins and then suddenly lose to sum1 whom we shudn’t. Thats a clear lack of concentration.
Great laugh with Billy once again.
But Billy forgot one thing and that is…. that… as Jack Wilshere is…. oh horror…. the first …. dare I to say it…. real thing from project yoof…..and as we all know this whole project yoof is useless and should be stopped 9 years ago.
Great stuff Billy, Dogface is definately giving you some serious competition, so you’ll have to keep um coming like this one.
And on the topic of match fixing I have to say that after our result, Fat Slab earned his after match drink and whatever else get’s exchanged in those after match manager get together’s. Blackburn did not play there overly physical game or ‘let Man U know they were there’ at all. Blackburn fans should question where Fat Slab’s loyalties lie, could he perhaps be after Mike Phelan’s job?
I really don’t know why you people make such fuzz about one unimportant game, in which we showed unimportant form, and thanks to unimportance of our quality, beat totally unimportant team, it is such bad team that even Manure and Chelsea didn’t bother to beat them. And how can you be happy when again from 4 goals only 2 were scored by non-french speaking players. In situation in which those bloody french Manager of ours, who never won anything, and only used what he found after our beloved George Graham (who was never in any relation with Tottenham) sued newspapers who out of pure innocence and love for truth lied about his afar.
If we had some better manager, in example Mourinho, we could maybe win this season already three years ago and not trail by leader massive 2 points.
Shame on you all when cant see real problems…
Who can I sue about this, I was watching match from Villa Park and all I could hear was “Arsenal”, “Nasri” and other songs like those. I was expecting to hear support for Villa since they were home team. How can smaller away goup outsing home supporters.
Also Tomas Rosicky has forgot that he is supposed to be sick again and not go and run around making great passes and crosses.
OK seriously I loved the article and was laughing (almost dropped my laptop to floor)
lol the doomers will never be happy. Even when we win its something to moan about. When we win cups and titles this year they will still moan.
But hey, if they enjoy sitting at home feeling miserable thats the choice. The rest of us will enjoy a nice evning with a nice win over Villa.
I wonder if life as a doomer is satisfying at all?
We are supposed to be happy and satisfied because we beat a 3rd rate team – with a 2nd rate performance?!!! Absolute rubbish! Imagine if we played the way we did today against say – Chelsea or Man U. Would we have won?
This win does not mean that Wenger is right about the squad. They will lose next week to Fulham- he will then come up with all the usual excuses – everybody’s fault, the referee, the 4th official, the opponents, injuries – everybody at fault; EXCEPT Arsene Wenger! He needs to go – but given that he is keeping the Board happy with MONEY (so that they can all pay themselves outrageous salaries and perks) it is unlikely that the Board has the balls to stand up to him – and they don’t really care about winning anyway!
So what we have to do is to pressure them to go out and buy world class players. We need a world class goalkeeper, another world class midfielder (because Cesc will leave soon – so go get Ronaldhino), a couple of great defenders and 1 more top class striker.
The Arsenal defence looked shaky everytime Villa launched an attack. They do not look reliable. Our strikers do not convert the opportunities that they get – no other team in the league creates as many opportunities as we do in a match – but how many goals do we score? Come on Wenger – shape up or ship out!
some people have small brains who will never evolve.
they don’t know what its like to be at the top of management and they won’t last long even if they have the chance. I doubt they have any experience of playing in sports and have no idea what sports is like. (fifa and winning eleven don’t count)
They all claims that wenger don’t spend or is thrifty with money. But their small brains with zero economical sense didn’t tell them that soccer is in a huge inflated market, spend unnecessary money and you will be worrying about debt repayment for the next 10 years. Wenger i believe gotten himself a team that he believes can compete, and just don’t see the point of being hugely in debt just to be a little better.
Obviously, many of these small brains have asked to change players after every games arsenal lost, if wenger gives up on these players so easily, we will never see players like Lehmann,Cesc (yes, cesc is useless when he start playing at 17), henry and vieria.
Sad to say for those fans who only knows how to criticize, they never will understand~~
@reality check
seriously dude get a brain check,
this is the brainless negetivity that i was talking about,
arsenal will lose, reality check : yes they will it’s humanly impossible to go season unbeaten(oh my god!! we did it once under errrr…..jose mourinhio???oh wait if i correctly remember mourinhio was in his managerial nappies then, who was the manager of arsenal then??? hmmmm….i think u also don’t remember).
utd wud have been 10 pts clear if they had tavez, ronaldo, zidane, beckham, rivaldo,drogba,lampard etc..etc..
reality check: untold been shouting about this since a year or two, utd don’t have money to hold on to top class players, they are in debt and it’s around 600million, to serve their debt they acquire more debt. Rooney know this. Injury or head turn of their best player(nani) cud lead to a disaster if another goes down their title cahllenge wud be over(oh!!wait, they r god’s team and even if they play without any players refrees wud be enuff to hand them 3 points).
It is paining to see arsenal lose to newly promoted teams which were hammered(oh no!! wba came back from 2 goals down at old trafford, hmmm…that’s a pretty odd coz they only have the right to take pts oFf arsenal and not from others. THEY BEAT EVERTON 1-4) but they are compensating it by picking up points where utd and charity dropped(city and villa(oh no!!! they r just idiots who were down bcoz of injury and arsenal played with their full strength, we shud have played with our 28th team))
as i said brainless.
yes their are weaknesses in the team specially with focus but telling THE MAN who gave his life , his blood, his sweat, that he has lost it and calling for his sack is utter brainless.
There’s a way of criticizing ur team as i learned over a period of time.
i am missing the main point due to all this brainless babbling.
i don’t know if pat rice had some problems with eyes or not but he looked fabulous in his shades.
PAT BOND with his young guns robbing villa.
hey where’s paul c.???
love his comments.
People like’reality check’do not deserve to be fans of this great club.they should pip their tents with mourinho,the sheik of quick-fix,get-title-fast-and-leave-the-club-worse-than-he-met-it.wenger is an institution who runs one of the most stable and stabilized institutions in the world.i really how you anti-wenger run your lives and homes.would you rather be like enron or general electric?
great article.the ‘le twat’ and ‘wer’e fucking top of the league’ made me laugh a lot.
@reality check-fuck off.spread this vitriol at le twat.this is untold.this is a place for positive and happy people who truly loves arsenal no matter what happens.so,keep your ‘come may we all will be doomer’ to you and your wife bummer x.
Dear Mr Wanker
Thank you for your comment. May I take you up on one particular line…
Our strikers do not convert the opportunities that they get – no other team in the league creates as many opportunities as we do in a match – but how many goals do we score?
Yes it is true we create more chances than most – perhaps more than anyone else. But we are I believe the second highest scoring team in the league – and before Man U met Fat Sam on a day when they couldn’t do their rotational time wasting, we were actually the top scoring team.
So how does this accord with your diatribe?
Personally I would sooner watch a team that is in the top two or three of scoring sides, even if they had a chance to scoring ratio of 100 to 1 than a team that played dull and mindless games all season and ended up with 1-0s all the time.
And, in case you don’t remember, or know your Arsenal history, we have had a season like that. It is where the phrase “1-0 to the Arsenal” came from. In those days at Highbury once the first goal for Arsenal went in you might as well leave, because we never got more than one.
In fact, even your opening comment shows a certain lack of comprehension. You said, “We are supposed to be happy and satisfied because we beat a 3rd rate team”
Well, yes. We are happy because we won. That’s what supporting Arsenal is about. It is wanting to win, and being happy because we won. What’s more we scored four goals. That’s good too (sorry to have to explain the basics, but I can see you are not getting this). And the style of much of the play was good – lots of free flowing movement, lots of shots. Lots and lots.
And that’s fun. Were you there? If so, surely you could not have failed to enjoy the excitement and everything. If not, did you see it on TV – on the Sky recording you could hear the Arsenal fans having a great, great time.
Come on, smile. We won, it was fun, it was enjoyable, it was a laugh, the football was good, and boy, wasn’t it great to see Bobby P again.
Spot on tony,you cannot begin to imagine how popular you are among arsenal faithfuls here in nigeria.you are like henry kissinger minus the shenanigans.keep it red and white.we are fully behind you.
If I never heard Le Grove mentioned again after this it would be too soon. Everybody who knows anything at all about football and the way it should be played, notwithstanding the influence of idiotic monneygrabbers and sensationalists at SkyB the allegorical rapist of sporting values …. should by all accounts love the arsenal and their football as it is as pure as football will ever get.
Ultimately being so elitist makes the Arsenal many enemies, and rather than see this as something negative – we should use the challenege as extra motivation as fans as I am sure the team do themselves!
UP THE ARSENAL!!!!
Great article – love the perspective.
We must get more shite written about us than the rest of the prem put together, unfortunately the fickle, glory hunters and plastics amongst our fans buy into articles and forums written by so called Arsenal supporters of highly dubious credentials. If you believe most newspaper articles, Spurs are not the only force in North London – but there again Spurs have had this media thing going for some time- wonder why?
As fans, we all have good days and bad days. We can all see things we would want done for the better – for me, a bit more defensive coaching. But calling for the head of one of our greatest ever managers is just ridiculous. No wonder all those thinly disguised Totts on these sites want him out, they can at least see what he does for this club even if SOME of our own fans cannot.
But the main learning points from this weekend
1/ Diaby and Eboue were not fit to wear the shirt
2 As always, Wenger out -Coyle / Moyes / O’Neill etc in now!
I know because I keep reading such things on Arsenal News Review – must all be true cos the header page of the blog says it is all written by experienced journalists
for above read Spurs NOW the only force in N London according to some paper articles
Your faith shows you will never be a not a great but even a fan ever…. Arsenal The Top Gunnnnns and WEnger The Hero… You will regret with ur writing in the coming weeks
Tony your articles are bloody amazing!
Theres a lot of negativity here from so called ‘fans’ who are praying for us to fail so they can prove that Wenger is a w*nker (those two words should never be put in the same sentence).
Go and support Chelsea or Man U you retards. Actually, Chelsea keep losing now. Man U are unbeaten, go support them. Maybe then youll find a team who has real hope of winning something unlike this anti-english, wenger side who only plays kids who he buys for nothing and are clearly shit players because theyre second in the table.
Honestly, there are some idiots here
Quality read! Can’t understand why anyone would want to hang on to the angst caused by losing at home to the Tinies. We are in the mix and Arahavin is in form. In Nasri we have the form player in the Premier League and the defence can certainly improve as they play together. Reasons to be cheerful 🙂
Lol good post. We have areas we must improve but we are very much still in every competition at the moment, FAR from any kind of crisis, in the words of Chuck D “Don’t believe the hype”.
I think u should visit a physio or u forgot what u wanted to write about.Arsenal will keep up the momentum and will finish at the top of the league.Useless article!!!!!
Yo people,
I see I have ruffled a few feathers here. Tony, I do know a little about Arsenal history. Yes I do know that Wenger did well with the team he inherited – and not at all well enough with the team he put together in the last 5 seasons. It seems that many so called TRUE ARSENAL fans are happy with being on the periphery of success. Thats the Wenger LOSER mentality that seems to have rubbed off on you lot.
As a true Gunner (for life – not the “once a blue always a blue” … but now I am a red devil type!)I want to see an Arsenal team that whips sides like WBA and Sunderland the way they ought to be whipped. A team that has enough gumption to hang on to a 2 goal lead at HOME – for God’s sake! And really guys – just because Man U and Chelsea play just as badly – doesn’t make it all right for us to put up with mediocrity in the Gunners and especially in Wanker Wenger. I hope I am wrong – but you guys will be hankering for Wenger’s blood by the end of the season – when we don’t even qualify for the Champions League. I hope you guys are right and the Gunners will go all the way – but looking at what we have in Wenger’s “best team I have ever had (bull-shit!)” – we won’t make it people – we won’t make it.
hello wwmustgo,
I don’t think you’re gooner at all… your posts are so transparently written, I think perhaps you’re a trolling Spurs fan? In fact, now i’m quite sure of it – the part about “hankering after wenger’s blood at season’s end for not qualifying for the Champions league” confirms it – only “Top Four Totts” are so hung up about “qualifying for the champions league”, and I doubt chelski or ManIOU fans will bother. I suppose I understand ur envy – not everyone has the luxury to curse at mediocre Champions league performances for the past decade.
“put up with mediocrity” you say? I LOVE our mediocrity. I love how sh*t we are every season when everyone writes us off before Christmas. Seriously, we’re so sh*t, for the past 2-3 seasons at least, we have been trying our dam hardest not to be in the title race by christmas, as we clearly don’t deserve to be there on merit. hasn’t worked ever. EPL really is the toughest league in the world. This season, we’re on a brilliant strategy – we’re trying to lose as many home games as we can. Yet, somehow still not working, we’re still only 2 points behind the leaders? we should be on peaking hot form RIGHT NOW so we can fizzle out just in time for the title run in.
seriously, being so sh*t separates the wheat from the chaff. if you’re unhappy with being on the “periphery of success”, perhaps you really should stop watching football in real life, and stick to the instant gratification of computer games.
just wasted time feeding a troll… see what u made me do…
Time to move on and look forward I think.
we have Wigan tomorrow which means a lot as in a two leg semi final, I fancy Arsenal against any of the remaining teams.
Champs league and Man U and Chelsea just around the corner.
What more could you ask for ?
Real fans should be up for and excited about the next few days.
Not moaning about the past.
Sp*rs, Chelski, Liverpool, ManSheikCity have nothing to watch tomorrow life is good.
Well said Messi, I whole heartedly agree. 🙂
That’s what I call useful informations, tweeted right now..