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By Billy “The Dog” McGraw
The Premier League has announced that it is to carry out what it calls a “major and significant” enquiry into match fixing at the Aston Villa vs Arsenal game today.
“It is self-evident,” said Sir Hardly Anyone, president of the EPL, “that this match was fixed. This is, as everyone knows, the worst Arsenal team ever. Worse than the Arsenal team that played such second rate football under Bruce Rioch. Worse than the team the season before that when Arsenal came in 14th. Worse than the 1912/13 team that got relegated from the first division, after not winning a single match at home.
“I know all this to be true, because I have read it every day for the past 3 weeks on El Tott, the famous Arsenal blog. Il Tottatore, as it is sometimes known, has made it quite clear that Mr Wenger, the worst manager of the worst Arsenal team ever, should leave at once and there should be demonstrations against him.
“But at the Aston Villa ground while much of the time you could not hear the home support, the Arsenal support was overwhelming. How could this be when Le Twat never gets it wrong? La Tit is a great publication and I always rely on it to tell me how to think,” said Sir Hardly. “Something must be done!
“How can such a team playing such truly awful football be top of the league even for just five minutes?
“There was general agreement that the first goal could not have been because Arshavin is useless, and should not have been signed,” he added. “Nasri is clearly past his sell-by date and could not have scored the second goal. Chamakh was a free transfer and therefore clearly useless, and thus could never have got the third, and since Jack Wilshere is English, he should not have been playing for Arsenal because Elle Tottie makes it clear that Arsenal is now taken over by an anti-English clique.”
There was further concern at the EPL when it was found that Arsenal are top of the league as a result of this game.
“This is a major problem,” added Sir Hardly. “The brand of the EPL is very important. Never in the history of the earth, which as you know celebrates its 4600 million birthday next week, has there been a situation where the worst team in the league is actually top, if only for an hour or two. I suspect interference on a cosmic scale and expect an announcement from CERN in foreign parts, that they had a nuclear hand in this devilish affair.
“It is well known that Mr Wenger only won his three titles including two doubles because he was fortunate enough to inherit a brilliant team, especially in defence, and the fact that this defence played out a season in which they were 14th just 18 months before he arrived has nothing to do with it,” said Sir Hardly.
Untold requested a response from Los Idiotos, the famous retrograde blog, but they remained quiet. A planned demonstration in north London has been called off.
Speaking to a world-wide TV audience after the game my beloved partner, Bogus Cheese, said,
“It is sad to see a famous old stadium like this so quiet an empty. Villa have deliberately reduced the number of Arsenal tickets they sell because the fans make far too much noise, and you could even hear them on Sky. And of course I was worried because it was time for Jack’s afternoon nap when he scored, but the little fellow managed to keep going somehow.
“It is amazing how we manage to win these games with no goalkeeper (I know this because Mes Totts & Tottettes, the Arsenal blog, tell me so), with two full backs who are the worst in the league (ditto), with the worst pairing of centre backs anywhere in the known universe, with a mid-field made out of anti-matter, and a forward line that seems to think that kicking the ball in a forwards direction is rather an old fashioned experienced.
“But for a final view, I turned to Tony Attwood, our editor, who can always be relied upon to give a serious, moral, decent and well-considered intellectual response to these games. I asked him what he thought. Here’s his reply….”
“We’re fucking top of the league,” he said.
And that I suppose sums it up.
Want to argue against Wenger and his philosophy? Then you must read this first, or your comment may not be published
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