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October 2016
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Deal Agreed with Brazilian Striker, and perfect DM replacement found

By Sir Hardly Anyone

It is a curious fact of life that you can wait all summer long for a defensive midfielder without one appearing and then two appear all at once.   Even more curious is that Arsenal don’t need one since we currently have one of the very best DM’s in Europe.

But none of this has stopped Arsenal signing players, even though the transfer window is shuttered and bolted, and the key has long since been thrown away.

For our old chums of the blogetta world don’t ever jack it in just because the transfer aperture being rammed shut, oh dear me no.  No no no no no.  They are still out there ploughing away through their land of make believe.

Indeed the mere fact that through the summer months when the transfer casement was indeed ajar they still managed to get 99.9% of their DONE AND DUSTED transfers utterly wrong.

But are they embarrassed?  Have they run away and shame?  Are they now playing at being ostriches?  Not one little bit of it.  Not a sausage.  Not a chance.  For just look at what “By far the greatest team” (that’s a blogetta) is running.

FINALLY A DM– Wenger Keen On Signing High Rated Chelsea Target

And how do they know?  You may well ask.

Meanwhile, always keen to imitate the little beings who live on the dark side of Pluto the Telegraph weighs in with Have Arsenal found perfect holding midfielder? and the answer as we all know is “yes” he is called Francis Coquelin.

But no, the Telegraph can’t be doing with that for they tell us, “Barcelona teenager Sergi Samper is interested in a move to Arsenal, as he continues to be on the fringes at the Catalan club.”

And where do they get this vital information from?  Have they an ear to the ground?  An insider in the camp?  Well, actually no, because, as they confess (and full marks to them for confessing to their own silliness), “This is the claim of the Daily Mirror who cite reports in Spain to say that the young midfielder will welcome the opportunity of making a switch to the North London club, and that the Gunners are pondering activating his £8.5m release clause.”

So to be clear, reports – the source of which are not revealed – in Spain (wherein the infamous AS recently told us that Messi might not be going on trial from crimes against the state), were picked up by the Daily Mirror (whose idea of an in-depth news report is 50 words and a picture) and then reprinted in the Telegraph (famous for running a PGMO press release without bothering to check it first to see if it actually had any link with reality).

Amusingly the Telegraph now calls Wenger, “The French tactician” which I suppose means that next week when they try and look intellectual they will call him le tacticienne français just to show how jolly cosmopolitan they are and how the UK should not be in the EU what with these foreigners coming over here and impregnating our language.

According to the paper, Spain-based sports journalist Juan Arango said, “Should Samper sign for Arsenal, it would be a shameful thing of the part of Barça.”

Although on the other hand “Portugal midfielder William Carvalho reveals he has always had a soft spot for the Gunners.”  Confusing isn’t it?

Done&Dusted– High Rated Striker Agrees Arsenal Deal, Giroud Replacement?  That tells us that “Having tied down Alex Iwobi to a long-term deal, the Gunners have placed another youngster in the form of Jordi Osei-Tutu on the same tread, as the versatile player has put pen to paper on his first professional contract with Arsenal.”   Thank you “By far the greatest team”
BREAKING: The£17.6 m rated forward wants to play for Arsenal! from Offside Football tells us that “According to the Fichajes, the Gunners are ready to make a  £17.6 move for in-form Celta Vigo attacker Nolito, while himself player is determined to join the London side.”  (Fichajes is foreign for “signing” and if the text in inverted commas is meaningless don’t blame me.  That’s what is says).
CONFIRMED: Arsenal£130,000-a-week Forward To Miss Watford & Bayern Munich Clash is the story that Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez has been ruled out by Chile manager Jorge Sampaoli.  Do you believe it?  Who knows.  It’s in GoonersDen.
But what is this?  We haven’t had a DONE DEAL yet so here it is.   DONE DEAL– High Rated Striker Agrees To Sign For Arsenal, Three Years Deal Done  from By Far The Greatest Team.  “Arsenal on Tuesday, announced the signing of under-21 starlet Alex Iwobi in a long term contract for an undisclosed amount.”
It doesn’t change does it?
Who needs Anthony Martial, when Arsenal already have the next Thierry Henry! asks “” (where do they get these names from?)   Apparently “As per recent claims, “Jeff Reine-Adelaide is being the man to fill in the Arsenal legend’s shoes some day at the Emirates.”   Those claims come from Ladbrookes.
£45 million rated World Cup winner sends Arsenal big transfer message says the always bizarre MIUsoccer which adds, “Bayern Munich and German star Mario Gotze has told Arsenal that he has no intention of leaving the Bundesliga Champions, according to the Metro.”  Clever or annoying use of a headline?  I know which I think.  You wouldn’t find Untold doing that sort of thing.  No no no no no no no no no no no no.  Or “Non!” (for readers in foreign parts).
“Arsenal club manager, Arsene Wenger has released a statement via the club’s official website clearly saying that Arsenal midfielder Legend Robert Pires recommended that he sign Spanish player Santi Cazorla.”    Oh for goodness sake!
And last and least

Reports have claimed Arsenal are stepping up their chase for Celta Vigo striker Nolito.

The Gunners are firmly interested in bringing the Spaniard to London, as Arsene Wenger seeks to bolster his attack in the window.  They may face competition from Barcelona to land his signature but Wenger is desperate to add him to Arsenal’s attack.

The 28-year-old is expected to leave Celta Vigo and the Emirates could be his next destination.

Please do not remember that you read any of this here first.

And now something true

  • 12 October 1893: Arsenal beat London Caledonians in a friendly 10-3 with the Chairman of Woolwich Arsenal Jack Humble in the side.
  • 12 October 1912:   Arsenal 0 Chelsea 1 in front of 20,000.  The result left Arsenal with only one win from the first eight, and the press report made particular mention of the jubilation of the visiting fans.

22 comments to Deal Agreed with Brazilian Striker, and perfect DM replacement found

  • nicky

    I have bad news for you, Sir H.
    Despite your masterly dissection of all the rubbish churned out daily from sources unknown to the human race, they will continue unabated.
    I happen to know that copy has already been prepared for publication on February 1st 2016, bewailing the lack of signings and forecasting Arsene’s sacking. oooooerrr 😉

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Does the transfer window open ever.., oh..ever so slightly during the interlull of internationals ?
    Or is that the lazy ostriches try their hand at translation of another language newspaper and getting it all wrong ?

  • Pete

    Well, that headline will get hits!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    The pay raise –

    An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.

    The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.

    She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?”

    Anna: “Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.”

    Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

    Anna: “Your hozban he say so.”

    Wife: “Oh yeah?”

    Anna: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

    Wife: “that’s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”

    Anna: “Your hozban he did.”

    Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

    Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

    Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

    Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”

    (A moment of silence passes…)

    “So, how much do you want?”

  • SamuelAkinsolaAdebosin.

    Good morning Sir, Mr. Tony Attwood. I think those baseless Arsenal transfer rumours by the media are done to attract the attention of football fans in particular and to get sales for their newspapers and their online transfer rumour stories. And I think it is working out well for them as we the fans continue to patronize their products either by buying their papers physicaliy or pay for their online transfer stories by our usage of our mobile data. I am one of those fans that read the media transfer rumours online, especially Arsenal transfer rumours when I come across them. On a serious business, what are the prospects of: Glen Kamara, Alex Iwobi and Jeff Reine Adelaide to start for Arsenal in our BPL away game against watford on Saturday evening’s? But if Arteta and Flamini are available to play in this game, my fear is allyed as I wouldn’t want Cazorla and Coquelin to start the game, but rest to start the crucial Bayern Munich match at the Emirates Stadium. I am sure the Boss understood what I’ve said. Nonetheless, I only know Iwobi was at Super Eagles(Nigerian National Team) game against Cameroun at Belgium. Where he came on as a substitute in that game. But for the duo of Kamara and Adelaide, I don’t have any information pertaining to them. But I want to ask, does the Boss considered the trio strong enough to start this game, and does he believes in them and trust them to deliver the winning quality in the game? If the Boss’ answer is yes, let him please start them at the Arsenal midfield and right wing as I think. Due to lack enough CB &ST reserve options, only the senior team starting Gunners of, Rhino'(Bfg) and Oliver Giroud should start the Watford game IMHO. All our top Gunners should be rested for the Bayern Game with some of them ofcourse starting from the bench. The Bayern Munich game at the Emirates is a MUST win game for us. Therefore. All hands must be on deck technically and tactically to achieve this desired victory. Thanks.

  • Ogbuehi Don Ndubuka

    Samuel Akinsola Adebosin, I feel Arsene should start the game against Watford with best starting eleven and only make substitutions after the game is won. The tactics applied in the match against Man United at Emirate must now be the template for all games big or small teams.

  • Ogbuehi

    I seconded that.The next game should henceforth be the priority especially the PL games.

    Would love the ECL but what are the chances.
    Btw I’m hating the interlull especially now that I’m on my university holiday.rooting seriously for Saturday.

  • Gf60

    “Please do not remember that you read any of this here first.” Nah, I already read it in The Mirror.

  • Al

    Just decided to Google the name Francis Coquelin to see what the papers are saying and at the very top of the results is a headline from the London Evening Standard saying something like “If Coquelin gets injured Arsenal’s season is over – le grove”. Needless to say, I didn’t open that link.

    I don’t visit le grove at all but I’m pretty sure in Jan they must’ve have been leading the calls for the signing of a monster DM, and must have dismissed the recall of Coq and calling for Wenger’s sacking for failing to cover that area. These are the same people who were saying Wenger should go get his refund after Cech’s error against West Ham, and now they’re blasting Wenger for resting the same Cech against Olympiacos. You couldnt make it up….

  • Florian

    SAA, Ogbuehi, Balarabe,

    I think you should start a petition asking Arsene Wenger to take you in his game management team.

  • Al

    Some of the headlines out there should lead to criminal charges being laid against the authors.. Take the ones about Pires and Gotze in this article…. surely there must be a law against this? Misrepresentation of facts? I don’t have a legal mind but I wonder if, for those with paid subscriptions to some of these publications, someone could sue these guys for knowingly publishing incorrect information. Maybe a season ticket holder could sue (civil courts) on the grounds they renewed their ticket on the basis of an article they read purporting a deal had been agreed with player x but turned out to be completely false.

    Zero chance this would succeed but would be fun just to see what sort of publicity that may get 🙂

  • Florian,

    You should know that this is not about management but just a wish and I’m sure everyone has his perspective.FYI it’s not a criticism of anybody linked to or managing anything at the club.

    just what I’m trying to say is every game imo, is as vital and important as the next-or is that too much to ask?

  • serge

    “I don’t visit le grove at all”

    Well you certainly seem to know plenty of their output.
    I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I visit daily ( along with four other Arsenal blogs ) and have suffered no ill effects.
    It’s good to get a broad view, but none of it matters. No football blogs are important enough to get irate over.

  • Jambug


    “just what I’m trying to say is every game imo, is as vital and important as the next-or is that too much to ask?”

    Everybody knows that, but that’s not what you’re saying at all is it.

    What you are actually saying is that Wenger should play his best 11 (or more likely YOUR idea of his best 11) in every match, which is not the same thing at all.

    The concept of ‘squad’ and ‘player management’ seems to of passed you by completely.

    Play ’em till they drop seems to be your philosophy.

    Hmmm. Good luck with that one.

  • Rob

    I also refuse to go to Le grove. Full of whining and complaining. I think they the same people that make the Emirates a difficult place for our own players.
    Why be apart of the problem rather than supporting the team. Even though we pay high ticket prices it doesn’t give them the right to support Arsenal as if they really Spurs spy’s

  • Al

    I’ll just respond to set the record straight but I’ve nothing to prove to you. I don’t visit that dump, never have and never will. I’ve heard enough of it here to know how toxic it is and going there will just make my blood boil. So what would the point be? Neither do I listen to talk sport for similar reasons; I get my balanced view from UA and, sprinkled with occasional peeks at the likes of BBC if I want to see what the negativistas are saying out there. For me that’s that’s more than enough. I know exactly what I want so I’m not gonna waste my time, and endangering my health in the process, by visiting 200 blogs/websites.

  • Al

    Just to add, serge, during live matches I use halftime as my toilet break or whatever it is that needs to be taken care of. Why should I have to be subjected to a painful and unbearable 15 minutes of listening to the likes of caragher and his ilk spouting nonsense. I don’t watch the pre match or post match analysis for the same reasons. Call me boring, blinkered or whatever, but the bottom line is I don’t feed off negativity. I think only last week an article on UA got so many hits because people thought it was a negative headline. It’s the kind of world we live in where people look forward to negative headlines; they wake up and see a headline saying 50 feared dead in this or that disaster in this or that place, and on seeing such a headline they go ‘rather them than me’, and it makes them feel good for that day, only for the cycle to be repeated the next day. If they don’t see anything negative they get depressed. They go hunting for negativity to feel good. I’m not that sort of individual.

  • Jambug

    Ogbuehi said,”I think arsene should start the game against WATFORD with best starting eleven and only make substitution after the game is won”.

    Although I don’t agree with every part of it I believe it will be wise,considering how we killed the man utd game so early in the match,to make substitutions after hopefully,giving Watford such treatment.
    And that is not to say I’m suggesting anything to arsene.I support the team he puts out every game and defend his selection when ‘they’ are whining concerning his choice.

    Play ’em till they drop seems to be your philosophy’.i really appreciate your usage of ‘seem’ in your suggestion because that is only what it is.i totally respect and support rotation and can’t recall being against it.afterall the players are human.

    Hmmm.i hope you get my point.

  • Florian


    Fair enough, but then you should know that when you tell somebody what they “should” do that is an order, not a wish.

  • NW

    I have no idea why the media still keep on running the story about DM.

    If it was during the summer, it would be understandable as Francis Coquelin had only half a good season. There is a chance that he goes on summer break and forgets how to play football! Jokes aside, numbers shown that Coq were good at the defensive work but weaker in passing and ball recycle so may be there Wenger could bring in someoneto improve the team.

    Now that he is back, and he is even better than he was. His passing has improved and so did his footballing sense.

    So when anyone talks about DM, it is almost impossible to find someone better than the Coq! Whoever joins the team, he will not join as a first team player.

    Oh, wait Arsenal already got a very good no.2 serving as DM… Mr. Arteta.

    Then there is Chambers who is still under development and yet to settle into RB, CB or DM position.

    If Wenger is still looking for DM, that player would be a “young talent”. Now an out-right first team player and unlikely to be a name papers talk about.

  • CT

    It is good my hounrable coach wenger…. Ride on

  • Florian,

    I understand where you’re getting at and maybe I should take that back.