By Captain Sir Hardly Anyone
It has been a little while since I last addressed an expectant nation (as it were) but with the glass opening ready to creak on its hinges in just a month and a half, surely there must be some more transfer news.
And well blow me sideways and raise the mainsail there is. Here is a collection of some of the wilder and windier notions currently doing the rounds.
Tale number 1: Sanchez linked with City move following slow contract talks
If it is Arsenal and it’s the Metro, (and it is in both cases) then there is the transfer of a six year old you have never heard of.
Actually to be fair he is 16, and he has an agent, who spilled the beans to the Met. Apparently he plays for Husqvarna FF in the aforementioned Sweden and is being compared to Mesut Ozil.
Tale number 4: It’s back to last summer cos we can’t make up anything new.
If you read a story that starts, “Arsenal are on alert” you know that it is balderdash of the prime order. And this one doubly so. “AC Milan are reportedly considering a move for Leicester City winger Riyad Mahrez, who was the Gunners No.1 transfer target during the summer.”
Calciomercato says “AC Milan are keen on the tricky winger as they seek to strengthen their attacking options, particularly in wings, after an inconsistent start to the campaign.
“Mahrez has recently signed a new contract deal with Leicester City, and it seems unlikely that he’d leave the King Power Stadium in the middle of the season with the Foxes are enjoying a successful run in Champions League.
All of which means when Liga Financial says, in its headline “Fans must be furious as Euro giants considering move for long-term Arsenal target” that has nothing to do with the story
I have no idea why, or who these fans are, but then most of this seems to pass me by these days. But then I suspect they are watering the lunch time Chilean Merlot at the Toppled Bollard (watering hole of the elite).
Tale number 5: Mesut Stays!
Yep, it must be true because JustArsenal.com tells us so. And how do they know?
Here’s the answer
“The Gunners star is rumoured to have recently bought a new house in North London for the price of around £10 million. Ozil joins the likes of Koscielny, Mertesacker and Giroud, as well as legends Robert Pires and Thierry Henry by living in the rich suburbs of North London.”
So that’s ok then.
Tale number 6: Messi Goes!
Apparently now that his salary has been chopped, what with the alleged loss of the alleged money alleged by the state allegedly to have been coming his way from alleged illegal deals (allegedly) the old boy is thinking he has had enough of this Spanish court lark and is ready to move anywhere with a healthier tax regime.
Since the Trump victory in the US it could be North America, given that the Trumpets (as Trump supporters with loud voices are called) are demanding the immediate introduction of the billionaires promised tax reforms which mean that the more you earn the less tax you pay.
The Sports Campus provided the “Messi leaving” bit of the story. I added the rest.
Tale number 7: Jack ain’t coming back.
According to the old humorous Italian daily Corriere dello Sport, the Chinese owned AC Milan are interested in signing the very English Jack Wilshere. Apparently Jack has said that he quite likes a Chinese takeaway, and so that’s done the deal.
Roma are also said to be interested, or have been interested. Or could be interested. Jack meanwhile says he likes Bournemouth, and who can blame him.
Tale number 8: Barcelona want Iwobi
There are several rules to this transfer malarkey. One is that every Arsenal talent is going to be stolen from us by Barcelona. Another is that all the players we could get we don’t get because Arsenal are too slow and won’t pay enough. And a third is that stories have to be made up otherwise the bloggettas and the newspapers won’t have anything to publish. Finally, the story can be quashed – thus making another story.
So the Iwobi story has been around for a while, and we are already at the endgame according to Liga Financial which now says, “Confirmed: Arsenal winger Iwobi to stay at the Emirates amid Barcelona interest”. So there we are, from start to end of the tale in seconds.
Tale number 9: The new “This is why” tale
The old “10 things we learned” headline has been done to death and subeditors are desperately looking around for new make believe to keep the stories alive. The Express, daily pumping out its diet of hatred against the less fortunate in the world, is now running
This is the reason why Arsenal may have to sell both Mesut Ozil and Alexis Sanchez
The reason – you will never have guessed – is… well, let them put it in their own words…
Tale number 10: Yes we are going to make a signing
One Nil Down Two One Up used to be a fanzine in the old Highbury days, notorious for having run a series of stories about how close Arsenal came to failure in 1989. I am not sure if the website with this name is related to the old zine but anyway, they have a tale to tell…. once you get past the Sky Bet click bait which tries to trick you into going to the betting site rather than to read the story. Hey ho, I thought that ploy had been scuppered, but it seems not. Here’s the story…
Arsène Wenger is set to strengthen his defence with a £26m bid for Atletico Madrid’s centre back, Jose Gimenez.
Ah, so it is a “set to” tale and the bid is not quite the story we might imagine from a headline that says, “Wenger Ready To Buy World Class Player With €65m Release Clause”
They proceed thus…
The Uruguayan international was expected to consolidate his place in the Atleti line-up this year but a combination of injuries and the form of Lucas Hernandez and Stefan Savic have stifled his progress in the Spanish capital.
Arsenal face competition from Real Madrid for the 21 year-old but it’s understood that both he and Diego Simeone would prefer him to leave Spain if he is sold.
So thus and therefore we have it all. Ten tiny tales from the tiny bloggettas and their little make-believe chums in the media.
Is any of it true? Well, judging by the summer, around 3% of it will be. Which means one third of one of those stories will come to pass. That is to say we will sign one third of a player.