By Sir Hardly Anyone
It is often said that Einstein commented that the definition of madness is doing something, finding it fails, and then doing it again.
Einstein never said any such thing, but that doesn’t stop people claiming that he did over and over without checking the validity of their claim. It is in fact a post-truth quote: he said it because I say he said it so he must have done.
In fact endlessly doing what has been done and failed before is commonplace, and people do it all the time. So do businesses and football clubs and politicians and… journalists. Having failed dramatically to correctly predict the players who were leaving Arsenal last season and failed equally as dramatically to predict the players who would join the club, they are doing it again, using the same divining techniques as before. Their chances of being right this time as just as feeble as last summer.
And so, just for a laugh, here are the details.
1: The Ox
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is ‘frustrated and bemused’ by Arsenal’s claim they have begun contract negotiations with the England international, according to the Independent. Although they also say Mr Wenger last week said Arsenal had opened talks with Oxlade-Chamberlain, who has 18 months remaining on his contract.
“Oh no he didn’t,” says the Mirror.
2: Two stay one in-coming
Monaco starlet Kylian Mbappe is the incoming from Monaco. But according to HITC, the player has attracted interest from Manchester United, Manchester City, The Tiny Totts and State Aid all of whom generally look at the kids that Arsenal follow and then try and pick them up ahead of Arsenal. Only to find it was all a ploy to make them waste money.
But in this case… the 16 year old made his debut for Monaco last year scoring three goals in five games so far this season. And of course that makes him the new Theirry Henry.
The two to stay are Ozil and Alexis, of course.
3: But not this one
Arsenal will miss out on their target Christian Pulisic who the Metro says, is allegedly leaning towards Liverpool, which must be very uncomfortable. But others say Pulisic rejected a move to Anfield earlier this year in favour of staying in Germany. However, it is understood that both Arsenal and the increasingly Tiny Totts are now ready to bid for the USA teenager.
4: In a race to sign
The ridiculous Daily Star suggests Arsenal are “in a race with Liverpool! for Celtic forward Moussa Dembele”. He’s 20, and scored seven league goals in his first 10 starts under Brendan Rodgers and is “almost certainly set to leave Parkhead either in January or next summer.” Or not as the case may be.
Ajax wonderkid Riechedly Bazoer is in the ‘final phase’ of completing a January transfer, according coach Peter Bosz. But where. Barcelona, Arsenal, and Wolfsburg, are the key players.
Bazoer has made more than 50 appearances for Ajax having made his debut as a teenager.
The Sun says Arsenal are making a bid for Manchester United forward Jesse Lingard,
7: Steak and kidney
The Birmingham Mail has pronounced that Carl Jenkinson could be set to move to Aston Villa on loan.
Look, why are all my headlines being changed into one word bits of food related whatnot?
[Steak and kidney is three words – ed]
9: German legend sends Arsenal Draxler warning
According to reports in the Daily Crisp, Arsenal were very close to signing the winger Julian Draxler in January 2014, with Arsene Wenger ready to convert him into a centre forward. Draxler has said he wants to leave Wolfsburg, and Lothar Matthaus said, “I say very clearly: I would currently not sign Draxler as a top club because of his weak character. He might be a talent, but he has not shown he can make a difference at the highest level on a permanent basis.”
OK, so not him then. But who. Up next was….
10: Wenger ready to eat oatmeal?
Look this is getting out of hand. I write my article, hand it in and suddenly it has bits of food all over it.
After missing out on Brazilian forward Gabriel Barbosa during the summer, Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger may be interested to hear he is unhappy at Inter Milan says someone somewhere, but I lost the will to live at this point.
12: Alexandre Lacazette…
has refused to rule out the possibility of leaving Lyon, leaving the door open for Wenger to finally capture his – reportedly – long-time transfer target.
Is that enough? If not here are more…
13: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (Borussia Dortmund)
Aubameyang has been in scintillating form this season, scoring 15 goals in 15 games in all competitions. Arsenal are sniffing.
14: Paul-Georges Ntep (Rennes)
The left-midfielder’s deal at Rennes expires at the end of the season and so he will be free to sign a pre-contract with Arsenal in January.
15: Reece Oxford (West Ham)
After Oxford became West Ham’s youngest ever player to appear in the Premier League at just 16 years old in a match at the Ems everyone was after him. Now having seen what State Aid are like this season he is ready to move.
16: Chris Smalling
“Oh stop it,” I hear you cry.
And I shall. But really, these were all to be found in the English papers in the last few days. Except the bits about food.
Tales from Untold