02 and Untold together, but Wenger is a cheat

By Billy The Dog McGraw.

Allow me to explain.

02 are doing this thing with Arsenal in which they provide entertainment and hand out some free beer, free tickets, free beer, free fun and games, free beer, free beer, and free beer.

One of these free things takes place in a tent (or “bubble” to use the technical term) near entrance S – just at the top of the steps up from the shop.   They have games in there, and its open to everyone which is rather nice.  (There’s no free beer there, that comes later).

Anyway, one of these games is a reaction timer and they make you do it before you have a beer. There is a huge board (well about nine feet tall and four feet wide) and lights come on.  It is somewhat confusing, but a charming lady explained to me that as each light pops on you have to press the button, and then the next one comes on.  It is a sort of metaphor for life.

Revolutionary you may think, but to us old hands, it was a doddle and simple enough for an anti-Wengerian to understand.

Up on the wall is a chart showing how well each participant has done – and there at the top of the list is the Lord Wenger with 95.  Of course, who else?

Now as you may know I am something of a Wengerian fan, and I am willing to admit that he is probably in fairly good shape.  But so am I and I was certainly expecting to beat his showing.  I approached with the look and feel of a man whose entire life had led him to this moment, and who was now about to fulfill the destiny for which the universe was created and dogfood invented.

But in retrospect I ask: 95?  Now when I admit that I scored 34, you will appreciate the immpossibility of Wenger’s score.  No one scores three time as much as The Dog.   I naturally protested and invited the manager to a play off in front of the press.  I await his response and am expecting him to cycle up to my door at any moment.

In the meanwhile, I recommend the Bubbley Thing, (it is free and you don’t have to have an 02 phone – just go in and do it) and indeed the whole 02 show.  If you’ve got one of their phones (I don’t have but whatever you do don’t let them know) you can also get a ride from Highbury and Is by Norwegian Ski Lift, or, if that isn’t working, there’s a charabanc (a bike that pulls a contraption into which two people fit) .

We took one – you get a ride down to Holloway Road tube station, with everyone waving, putting rose petals in the road and generally bowing down to ensure that no impertinent glances are thrust upon my personage.  I naturally was gracious in the extreme, letting the natives know that I was willing to accept their recognition of my contribution to the consumption of the process of the brewing trade.  They acknowledged my graciousness.

The rest of the affair involves getting free beer, and if you are a winner, either getting a couple of seats in the regular ground, or a place with the powdered rich in the Blue Room.   Quite why it is called the Blue Room I am not 100% certain, but what you get in the room is beer, food, beer, wine, beer, programmes, beer, newspapers, and a chance to blow raspberries at the rest of the assembled club level crowd while showing them what the real world is like beyond the cloistered thingness of it all.

Actually to be fair, it is a great bit of fun, the food is terrif, the wine was fairly nifty, and the view is (as they say in all the blurb) the best view in the galaxy.   We’ve had this debate in Le Maison Untold about what the atmosphere is like in club level, and I was expecting to partake in a discussion of dark matter, the philosphy of Wittgenstein and the psychology of Skinner.   But no, these club level wallahs speak football, drink beer and play table footie just like the rest of us.  True, they don’t sing much but not everyone has a voice as good as mine, they shout a bit, and there is general joviality.

I sat alongside Sir Hardly Anyone, on day release from Dartmoor.  He told me the general policy now is to round the bankers up and stick them inside, letting them out only once they tell the government where they have hidden our money.  Seems fair enough.  Sir Hardly, who must now be in his 90s if he’s a sausage, was there with his 19 year old daughter, and how lovely it is to see such a close and charming relationship between a father and child, although it is perhaps a little hard to see the physical resemblance, especially when they get that close.  I am not quite sure either of them saw Song’s goal, but there you are.  Needs must.

As for decorum in the 02 Blue Room (if you are fortunate enough to win a prize and spend a match therein), dress is de rigour, with leggings in shades of pale green being fairly much the order of the day.  Trilby hats are worn low, brims high, with puce coloured scarves wrapped, breeches circular.  The wind was in the east.

Anyway, my thanks to 02 for a good fun day out for us, and my encouragement to you is to enter the competition.  I am told that if you say “billy sent me” you are certain to win.  If not, let me know and I will have a word.  For the next home game they will have the new helicopter trip from Hi and I station to the ground, with a parachute drop directly into your seat.  Clearly not to be missed but plenty of asprin on hand if you do.

I am anticipating further invites in return for this unusually ebulliant write up, and the lads have got the chairman’s number just in case they “forget” who I am.

As for the game, apparently we won, but after that much free wine it was hard to tell.

There’s supposed to be a link back to the home page, but I just lost it.