Arsenal/Liverpool: the pub bore report

By Billy “the Dog” McGraw watching the TV in the Auld Triangle

God this was awful.  Arsenal didn’t have a clue.    Mine’s a pint of Carlsberg.  When Liverpool attacked Arsenal had no idea how to clear the ball, and I’ll smash the face in of anyone who says anything else.  It can’t get any worse.

Ere mind where you’re spilling that beer vicar.  This shirts nearly new, got it down the market know what I mean? What is the point of playing Fran Merida?  A lucky goal, and what else did he do?  Nothing at all.  I’ll have a pint thank you very much.   He should be out on loan.  Walsall or somewhere.  Playing like this we are going to be beaten by three banana trees and a coconut.  Packet of peanuts landlord!

Playing like this, Arsenal will win nothing.  God this beer tastes like its been poured down the front of a Liverpool shirt.  Arsenal have no idea how to finish, they just want to walk the ball into the net.  There is not the slightest chance of Arsenal winning a game.  We should play like Chelsea.   Get a goal, close the door.  The end.  Finito.  Shut them out.  Whose foot you standing on squire?   Where’s the creativity?  Where’s the passing?  Where’s the style?  Where’s my beer?  Hey mate that’s mine.  You owe me a pint vice principal.

All those back flips.  all that playing from left to right, right to left, left to right, right to left.  What is the point of that?  Where is the goal?  It’s down the middle.  I’ll have a double scotch thank you archbishop.

Wenger should be sacked and replaced by a proper manager who knows something about football.  750 games he’s had and we’ve won fuck all.  Sweet fanny adam.  Nothing, and don’t give me all that crap about the doubles and the unbeaten season.  Its a myth.  Like this beer.  We need to spend money now, if we don’t the club will be in the conference within two years.  Did you know that time travel backwards in the string theory of the universe?  Pint of vodka please landlord, and a double for my mates in the white coats.

[Editor’s note:  members of the UNTOLD ARSENAL team do occasionally partake of a pint of the black stuff about an hour prior to a match at the Auld Triangle, standing outside at the junction of the St Thomas’ and Plimsoll Road.  If you recognise me, say hello.  I’m the one supporting Arsenal.]

MAKING THE ARSENAL is about to be published.  Please help me buy another pint by buying just one copy of the book. for the fullest details.   Pint of heavy if you please, Canon.

13 Replies to “Arsenal/Liverpool: the pub bore report”

  1. This is one of the best peaces of satire I’ve ever read on the Arsenal. LOL.
    My evening is getting better and better.
    Great Tony, what a great day.

  2. Great stuff!

    oh btw, while we do previews which are great, can someone also do a post match analysis of some sort or just a player rating thing. I think that’d be absolutely brilliant.

  3. A nice way to start the morning[for me at least],a little chuckle developing into a full guffaw ,with a snide smirk towards all the doubters.
    In your face jerks !More of the same please.
    To those who appreciate satire check out this pro=Arsenal site - .
    Thanks for brightening up my day.Thrashing the Spuds this will lift the gloom of last weekend.

  4. You should blog more like a Man Utd fan. You wouldn’t see them mess around with self-depreciating satire, they’d just be ruthless and go straight for bristling self-importance and a sense of entitlement. That’s how you get readers.

  5. It had some Blackadder in it, Tony. I could see the whole scene in front of my eyes. 🙂

  6. Nice one Tony,

    A good game last night for most of our players. Ramsey had, I wouldn’t call it a bad game, but a strange game. He made some good passes with his visions but he gave the ball away many times last night. Gibbs and Gilbert played awesome though, and Merida was class. And who said Bendtner can’t finish??? More of the same please!!!

  7. Honestly, the way some Arsenal fans go on these days!!! Bloody disgrace!!!

    Brilliant. Kudos to Billy for putting into satirical words the thoughts so many of us have had.

    My own player grades:

    Fab 7 – Could he have done better with the goal?
    Gilbert 7 – Solid.
    Gibbs 9 – Did Kuyt get a touch?
    Senderos 6 – Not to bad at all.
    Silvestre 6 – Ditto. Did nothing disastrous, which is a bonus.
    Eastmond 9 – Star of the evening. What a performance!!!
    Ramsey 7 – As someone above said, bit of a strange game. At times he looked otherworldly. At other times he seemed a bit lax.
    Merida 8 – Cracking goal. More of that please, vicar.
    Nasri 6 – mature and dependable, but still not match-fit.
    Bendtner 7 – At times a donkey, but terrific finish for the winner.
    Eduardo 7 – Always busy.


    This was copied word for word from World of Arsenal, and we don’t allow that. Fortunately Billy “The Dog” is free tonight, and will be visiting the perpetrator of this awful crime. Not that I am threatening or anything you understand Mr Mayor, but you know how it is.

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