It was a very subdued Billy the Dog McGraw at the Toppled Bollard public house today as we gathered just beyond our old spiritual home, deliberately drinking in the street, just to annoy the police.
The news had come through about Rob VP, another martyr to the insane stupidity of the international friendly.
I debated who was the more stupid in this matter: Robin or the distribution centre of Amazon.co.uk (see previous article).
Billy was sad, but after accepting my offer of a quadruple rum and coke he refused to blame the Netherlands. “Robin was there, they picked him, he could have said no. Robin knew what the risks were – it is hardly as if he has not been injured before playing meaningless pathetically pointless internationals, but he chose to ignore the piper who plays the tune.”
It was a typically meaningless comment from Billy, but he is bigger than me so I let it go and sipped my diet coke. Billy continued…
“Blaming Holland for Robin’s injury would be like blaming Pink Floyd for the death of Syd Barrett. Syd was a total genius who wrote some of the greatest popular music in the history of the universe, but he went his own way, and others took over the band and turned it into a very ordinary rock n roll ensemble. Syd went into decline and died a few years back, but he had to take responsibility for his own actions, even if he were a schizophrenic.”
This all seemed far too much for me, so I bought Billy a pint of G&T and moved on.
“The game against the KGB,” I said. “Clearly we can expect a lot of the secret police at the game, but what sort of team will we put out?”
“I predict we will use footballers,” said Billy, and I began to wonder if this interview was worthwhile. I could have been watching Kingstonian against Carshalton.
“In goal: Aluminum Man with the Pole with the unpronounceable name in the reservoir.
(I took a quick look at distance between me and the door, and started to edge sideways).
“Back Four: Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Silvestre.
(Now I am not sure that we have the ok on Gallas here, and I would not bet against Song playing in the back four, if Gallas is not there.)
“Middle three: Fabregas, Song, Denilson.
(That makes sense assuming Gallas can play and therefore Song stays in the middle, but if not Ramsey will play I suspect)
“Front three: Nasri, Eduardo, Arshavin.”
(Again this makes sense. Vela really didn’t make it in the Euro game, and Eduardo had a rest. Nasri looked good and came off early, so it seems reasonable, and The Grand Boss has said that he feels he rushed Theo back too quickly before, so he will be unlikely to start – especially against the KGB who would probably tasar him after 30 seconds anyway.)
So it seemed that despite his rambling on about old rockers Billy the Dog was giving me a fairly reasonable analysis
- Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Silvestre (Eboué, Senderos, Traoré)
- Fabregas, Song, Denilson (Rosicky, Wilshere, Ramsey, Mérida)
- Nasri, Eduardo, Arshavin (Theo, Vela).
I think Mérida is still ok to play – he was sent off in a reserve match with a straight red, I think, but is not suspended until the next match – so will miss the league cup game against the Arabs.
I mentioned earlier that the Guardian has taken to following UNTOLD ARSENAL in terms of predictions, and so has Arsenal winning 13-2. I put this to Billy, but he was at the bar, and I was unable to get his attention. So it’s down to me.
I am going to take it that this is the moment that the KGB suddenly notice the Berlin Wall is down, and they don’t know which way to turn.
A certain Cole will be playing and we can expect him to snarl, shout, give v signs, and abuse everyone in sight. He will be sent off for cheating when the ref tosses the coin for the choice of ends.
Terry’s mother will be on the stand, and her arrest for trying to lift shares out of the pocket of Mr Usmanov distracts the man named after the box of chocolates and he will miss the ball completely as Eduardo scores.
Drogba plays, but after seven minutes attacks a ball boy and is deported to Grimsby, reducing the opposition to three men and assorted others. Wilshere scores from the bench – his ninth from that position.
A floodlight failure is blamed on KGB interference at half time, Mr Abramovich is deported, and a vast net (secretly installed over the away supporters end) drops onto the fellow-travelers heads and a wild array of grunts and snorts is to be heard from that part of the ground. A police helicopter drops a grabbing mechanism and lifts the net and captured grunters and takes them to Southend Pier.
With most of the rest of the KGB team being declared illegal immigrants following the release of new FIFA data, the away team demand the abandonment of the match on the ground that they now have less than 7 players on the pitch. A fourth official is called in, but decides that Chelsea don’t have any players anyway, and so the rule does not apply. Wilshere runs onto the pitch with Theo and scores nine goals during the half time interval and we are awarded by game by default.
(c) Tony Attwood 2009
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