How to be a top rated journalist for a big time paper.
1. Look down the list of players of any team you dislike quite a bit. So, assuming your love Arsenal (otherwise why are you reading this, please close your computer and go and lie down somewhere). For this example, let’s take Manchester Bankrupt’s nasty self-opinionated little boy Ronaldodo who (to be fair, and reasonable, as we always are) can play a bit.
2. Now look at the current rumours on offer on BBC teletext page 338. In this case it is obvious – Ronaldodo is going to Real Mad.
3. Next phone someone up. It could be anyone who has some sort of contact with the sport. The guy who lives next door to the guy who makes the sandwiches for the Chelsea manager, for example. Then you say, “What does Big Philly think of Ronaldodo going to Real Mad?” The guy at the other end says, “Well my mate Billy who makes the sandwiches says that Big Philly thinks it would be good if Ronaldodo goes to Real Mad.
4. Then you re-write this as, “Chelsea boss says Ronaldo should go to Madrid” and make up some other stuff about once in a life time, great chance, spiritual home, Iberian thingee whatnot – you can cut and paste here because everyone always uses the same lines. There’s probably a dry cleaning company in Finchley that invents the phrases and hands them out free when you go and get your party clothes cleaned up.
5. Then you stick the magic word “Exclusive” on the end. That’s important. It is actually a meaningless exclamation, rather like saying “Mobile phone” every time you think of Ashley Cole. Harmless, but it signifies something deeper.
6. Call your editor, file the story and you get rewarded financially.
Now you know.
PS: Did you know many of the Untold Arsenal stories never appear on Gooner News and the other Arsenal networks. Goodness knows why – we are awfully nice people really. And it is not as if everything we say is true (if it were then we would be odd). So, to catch every last word, why not subscribe??? There’s a button thing somewhere on the page.
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