Warning: contains dead bodies, mild peril, partial nudity, swearing, irony and occasional violence.
“West Ham are in dire straits,” said Billy the Dog, as I approached the allotment and offered him a pint of sweet sherry. “That Mark Knoffler has lost it, the new glacier tax is hitting them hard, and their bid to host the synchronized tap dancing in the Olympics has been turned down. The club is mostly being funded by taking in dirty linen and charging for cleaning it up.”
“Money laundering eh?” I said, and Billy just looked.
“Arsenal on the other hand has got most of the first team injured which is when they normally go on a 24 match unbeaten run. But Arsenal won’t have it all their own way, because I expect the Three Stops from Barking team to pull a few jigsaws out of the bookcase.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, but he gave me a look of exasperation. I also asked if he liked Seasick Steve.
“Contemporary blues singer, makes his own musical instruments and sounds like Captain Beefheart?”
I said that was right.
“Never heard of him,” he said, and we returned to the matter in hand.
“West Ham’s plan is to play a team of Norse gods,” he told me. “The Icelandic owners have been reading up on their sagas and have realised that there is no regulation under FIFA rules that players actually have to be alive or human. All they have to be are registered. This could cause Arsenal a problem.”
I asked how.
“Well several of the players they intend using are vampires, three sold their souls to the Horned Beast, and two others are now just skeletons.”
“That’s pretty much the team that they put out in the league match against us,” I said, “and they got a 2-2 draw. Still, fairly pesky creatures, these Norse gods.”
“Fortunately I have the film maker Jean Luc Godard as referee,” said Billy, “so that should even it up a bit. Do you want to know the team?”
I said that might be a good idea.
Fabianski (Mannone as reserve)
Sagna, Senderos, Silvestre, Traore
Ramsey, Song, Eastmond (or possibly Diaby)
Mérida (possibly Wilshere), Vela, Rosicky
Reserves from somewhere in between Francis Coquelin, Jack Wilshere, Fran Mérida, Jay Emmanuel-Thomas, Sanchez Watt and Nacer Barazite. Unless the Lord changes his policy and puts the big name players on the bench.
West Iceland will play
Odin Parkes
Olaf Stewart, Baldur Dicks, Loki Bonds, Valkyries Martin
Ragnorok Peters, Noggin Moore, Wodin Brooking, Freya Hurst
Nogbad Di Canio, Thor Devonshire
“OK so that explains the dead bodies,” I said. “What about the mild peril?”
“West Ham will score first. One-nil to the bankrupt club.”
“Partial nudity?”
“Vic Akers’ knees.”
“Swearing is obvious. What about irony?”
“The singing of ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles.’ A truly post-modernist statement of irony which refers of course to the geysers of Iceland, most particularly Strokkur, Geysir and Haukadalur.”
“I thought Haukadlur was West Ham’s left back,” I said. “But cccasional violence?”
“Oh come on this is West Ham!” Billy told me. “Anyway, today’s score is Iceland 1 Arsenal 6. Wilshire three, Bendtner (sitting in the stand) scores two with his head, and Wenger taps the ball back to Traore for a throw in near the technical area, but overhits the kick which hits two icebergs and then flies straight into the net for the final goal.”
“So what ever happened to that business when the supporters ran on the pitch and danced around in front of Millwall supporters?”
“The FA have convened a hearing seven times but all the jurors keep either being nobbled or are too frightened to turn up. They’ve moved onto investigating the allegation that Arsenal supporters make too much noise and put the opposition off. We expect to be found guilty. After all any club whose supporters go into the ground for a match against a club from Sicily wearing T-Shirts saying “West Ham v the Mafia” is not actually of this planet. Best not to mention that in print.”
“But I just have!”
“Have you ever thought of a life on Tierra del Fuego?”
I admitted that a swift exit might be in order. But before leaving I asked Billy for his predictions for next year. He jotted down some notes which I faithfully reproduce below:
January: we sign two children of Brazil. Match of the Day says “you won’t win nuffink with kids.” Manchester United appeal to all the banks on the planet for “one last loan” which will help them out of trouble.
February: Portsmouth admit they have lost their battle with reality and go into liquidation. Carlos Vela starts scoring in league matches. Torquay United start winning league matches. Sounding rather like the teeny boppers who owned dot coms at the start of the last decade the chief exec of Liverpool FC complains that “the banks don’t understand football.”
March: Crystal Palace admit that they have lost their battle with reality and go into liquidation.
April: Notts County admit that they have lost their battle with reality and go into liquidation.
May: Arsenal win the league and Champs League beating Barca 9-6 in the final, in the greatest match ever seen. Carlos Vela is top scorer for the season. Torquay United promoted to League One. Fifteen OAPs arrested celebrating on the beach in the nude. Accrington Stanley goes into liquidation, citing the fact that “football just doesn’t seem the same any more”. Newport County promoted to the Conference. In an amazing turn around at the end of the season Tottenham, Liverpool, Manchester City and Aston Villa all miss out on the Champs League as Fulham grab the final place.
June: Daily Mail says Arsene Wenger to quit Arsenal over row about the pre-season tour. Liverpool served with a winding up order by RBS.
July: Arsenal lose 2-1 to Barnet, prompting Daily Mail to state that players have grown fat on their triumphs and will struggle in the league this year. The Sun predicts that Arsenal will sign Peter Crouch. England disqualified from the World Cup Finals for fielding a “too ugly” team.
August: Arsenal beat Everton 6-1 in the opening match of the season. Anti-Gravity devices go on sale, middle east economy collapses, Manchester City put up for sale.
September: Several prominent footballing characters lose financial legal cases. The FA, worried about developments, announce an investigation into the transfer of young Brazilians to Arsenal. The Daily Mail starts a campaign to “give football back to the English”.
October: With Tottenham lurking near the foot of the table Arry resigns over lack of transfer fees. He immediately joins Southern League Portsmouth and says it is great to be back at a big club.
November: Tottenham announce they have no money and go into liquidation. Leyton Orient put in a bid. The first 259 comments on a popular anti-Wengerian blog consist of variations on the theme of “Hey I’m second”.
December: Untold Arsenal is investigated by the Office of Predictions, Eternal Verities and Prophecies. “No one can be this right this often,” says Sir Hardly Anyone, head of the Commission of Investigation.
Life? Don’t talk to me about life.
Tony Attwood, Tierra del Fuego, 2010.
“Partial nudity?”
“Vic Akers’ knees.”
Classic. Keep it up my man Tony!
Thanks, Tony. You never fail to brighten even the most boring day. I feel a little apprehensive going into this match, but there again I felt the same way before the Pompey match. What we do know is that whoever plays will give their best for the Lord, and if we lose, who gives a monkey’s left tit. Gonna be a late night for me watching this in Thailand. Come on you goonerrrsss……..
Ha ha ha ha. Very funny. That is me genuinely laughing, by the way. It’s unfortunate that Ha ha ha always looks like sarcasm in print.
And your lineup looks very very likely to be correct, assuming Senderos is fit. Fingers crossed.
Every time you do it again Tony. LOL.
Specially the november prediction… LOL…
I like the sound of those predictions.
COME ON ARSENAL!!!
Cracking read, Tony! I’ve no idea what sort of team Arsene will field, I’d imagine he’d go for something slightly more experienced, not an almost-Carling Cup side. But given West Ham’s form, and loss of three or four key players through injury, we should beat them, especially if they rest other first-teamers too. Should be interesting!
That was almost as good as Leeds at MFU … :o)
Just hope that Pompey last until May 25..if they go now and their results are wiped, it cost us 6 points and 6 goals. The worst by far…and Liverpool just laugh!
Great read ,even though i understood only 60% 😀
Just watched Manchester IOU being beaten at home by a third division team. With Liverpoodle being held by a second division team and both clubs putting out their strongest available XI it shows how the financial climate is starting to decline for clubs in debt.
Interesting too that when our Lord Wenger does not bother to shake the hand of a thoroughly nasty thug the media go beserk, but when Sir Alex F Word breaks a contractual obligation and does not appear in front of the TV cams everyone just shrugs.
Finally, a word of explanation to those who were not brought up on BBC TV several millenia ago. Nogbad was the evil Nog of the northlands in Noggin the Nog, one of the greatest children’s series in the history of children’s TV.
Just thought that might clear a point up.
Just one point.
Fulham actually will make the top 4, and the world will start buying Hodgson jerseys
Hehehehehehehe…..
Big laugh for both this great article and manu’s display. The future superstar midfield gang??? Please…..
In Britain ITV-1 is showed the Manchester U defeat by a 3rd division team, and they are about to show Arsenal’s away gave in Iceland.
In between the two they are showing “Athletes do the funniest things”.
Right.
No wonder that station is in the same sort of financial position as Manchester U.
please tell me any site to watch match live.. plz tony allow links to be posted..
abhishek, just do a search for live football. there’ll be a bunch of sites with links for programs like sopcast, etc. i’m getting a feed from shanghai, which is kind of nice cause the commentator barely ever talks so it’s just the crowd noise…
c’mon gunners!
A hard fought victory in the end. Thanks to goals from Ramsey and Eduardo we put it right just in time. Could have been more in the closing stages as we were all over them.
Merida had a not so good game and I fear the G&D brigade will have their knifes sharpen for him in the next 2 years…..
And what a bad display by the ref at times…… yuk
And next round a trip to Stoke.
Well climate change may still be a debate in some Dante-esque circles, but I hope for his sake that Tony Pulis has got his overflow pipe to the correct specification.
Tony, that is really funny! I mean where are you getting these ideas? Anyhow, well done to the boys. West Iceland scored one and parked the bus and playing only counter attack. Introduction of Diaby and Nasri did the trick for Lord. Should we call him Lord Trick? Wilshere and Merida will come good in time. I hope Merida sticks around though. Ramsey is really coming of age.
Walter, the ref was a joke! Are these guys getting worse or never really good in the first place?
eduardo! vela looked good, too.
that kick on diaby was awful.
night folks! almost 4am from where i’m watching.
Two assists for Vela from the LW.
I’m loving the fearful symmetry in this squad.
Walcott on the right as he develops, Vela on the Left.
I could carry on through the rest of the squad…
There is no debating Global Warming I mean Climate Change I mean whatever the politicians want to call it after they prophesied doom and gloom would happen already. Just look at how warm it is here! Expecting another 8 inches of snow…Too funny! Almost as Ironic as the scoring summary I mean did you see Ramsay’s goal? What about Eduardo’s? I am beginning to think maybe we should recall Simpson for more Front-runners? Maybe Gilles Sunu…
@ Hartwick89
You’re confusing the weather (short-term) with the climate (long-term). Global warming and the consequent climate change are real, unfortunately.
What a fantastic fightback for the boys today. Now please, please, PLEASE can we have no more injuries for a bit and get some players back?
Good & Tidy second half. The substitutions heralding Diaby & Nasri was so very inspiring. The change gave Zest to our passing and therefore helped the focus of our attack.
A very intriguing piece, Tony.
That’s why Weger is a genius. Who amonst us thought he would start with Vermaelen and Gallas at the back!?
Wenger even…
(Sorry for the politics folks I just have to respond)
OK FunGunner, Irony is no one can prove global warming or show it except you and Al Gore. Only he owns a jet and a mansion you helped pay for(Theoretically that you and he say is the root cause of the invention)! In fact I believe the data that was presented from the UK was just determined to be false and purposefully misleading via e-mail because it showed exact opposite of the current lie portrayed. You need utilize the web; it is the answer to truth hidden. Kind of like the daily reporting of The Arsenal. It’s sort of like the reporting SAF gets vs LAW….One sided, biased etc. The good thing is LAW’s proper running of a football club is in the beginning stages of a Golden Era. While SAF is on his way to retiring and MU will begin to fall apart.
Tone: I had a feeling he would play one of the two, we needed the solidity they provided. Good display from Fabianski though
@ Hartwick89
This is not politics, it is science. And the internet is also full of rubbish, lies and distortions. As an Arsenal fan you should know that. You need to utilise your powers of discrimination.
Colder weather in any given place does not mean that the overall climate is not getting warmer. Weather refers to short-term conditions, climate describes conditions over hundreds or thousands of years. Also, paradoxically, the release of cold water from melting ice affects sea temperatures and could cause warm currents like the gulf stream to change path or cease, which would make the UK (for example) colder – as cold as places on a comparable latitude.
There is an overwhelming weight of scientific evidence supporting the fact of global warming. Its existence does not depend on one category of data in one study. The figures from a whole range of indicators over many years point to the conclusion that the earth’s atmosphere is warming up. The evidence of today – melting ice-caps, rising sea levels and increasingly extreme and erratic weather events – are predicted by the model of global warming.
As far as I’m aware, I have not contributed to the purchase of Al Gore’s mansion.
My apologies to Tony and all the regular readers for going into this non-football area. I will now withdraw from this discussion.
Rubbish! All Rubbish! Anyway I have a dear friend who thinks like you do…We agree to disagree…So at least you and I have one thing in common we adore Arsenal! Nuf Said!
“There is an overwhelming weight of scientific evidence supporting the fact of global warming”.
No there isn’t FG……
There are lies, damned lies, and then there’s global warming……
Hi Toni, I’m one of the new bookmarkers from these recent months and must say Untold Arsenal became one of my top three fav Arsenal blogs.
Looks like your prediction for January just come true…
check this out: http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/industry_sectors/leisure/article6973929.ece
Manchester IOU to issue bond for debt interest payment.. wow that’s how desperate their finance are. They’re pledging their fans to buy the bonds (not shares) to pay for the mess Glazers get them in.
Speaking of Vik Akers and his knees, has any team ever before had two OBE’s on the technical bench?
Time to get a third for Pat Rice!
Woah, I just thought I made a bad joke.
‘“There is an overwhelming weight of scientific evidence supporting the fact of global warming”.
No there isn’t FG……’
But Civil Servants who have no political agenda are pleading with councils not to build on any more flood plains, to set aside land for flooding. Why? Building regulations have changed. Some think the construction industry in the UK is five years behind Germany, some think more. Some don’t care. Hence the reference to drain and gutter specifications.
Scientists in Oxford have been researching alternative energy for decades. But I guess the JET Fusion reactor is just a hoax.
Thatcher nearly killed the institute. After all, with such close ties to the House of Saud, and, er, Abu Dhabi Citeh, who needs science? The first successful firing of the JET reactor was on the day Thatcher resigned. How’s that for politics?