The secret diary of “Sir” Alex Burgundy, manager supreme of Manchester Cowboys, the Yankee owned “soccer” outfit from the wild north-west frontier.
Monday: I’m sure Arsenal get an unfair advantage because of those foreigners they sign, and I demand the FA restrict the number of foreigners allowed. Meanwhile we have to compete so ask Groggsy (who is almost foreign) to find me some foreign players. Instruct solicitors to demand Premier League re-writes match timetable. It is impossible for us to play Manchester City on Saturday in the middle of our prayers for those who died at Munich, while Arsenal do not play under Monday. Demand Arsenal match be awarded to Blackburn Rovers. Hughesie calls me to say he agrees.
Tuesday: Instruct solicitors to send letter to the FA demanding the withdrawal of £25,000 fine for having 14 players cautioned in one match. What they don’t understand is the intense pressure my players are under with the forthcoming 50th anniversary of the plane crash. This is the typical lily livered attitude we have come to expect from the FA. Groggsy says he has found foreigner – he’s called Gafr. Sounds good – invite him for trial
Wednesday: Instruct solicitors to write to Premier League to demand Arsenal goal against Manchester City is ruled offside, the match therefore invalid because of ref bias. Demand a reduction of 10 points as a lesson to everyone. Instruct solicitor to write to Arsenal to find out why they have taken no action against those who abused me when I slowly and elegantly walked onto the technical area after we scored our second goal at their place. Ask Groggsy to translate for me when Gafr arrrives – what with Groggsy being almost foreign.
Thursday: Move into broom cupboard under stairs where I find Bolivian centreforward I signed three years ago, invited round for drinks and then forgot about. Told him to go out and train in back garden. Get solicitor to write to Alexi Sale demanding he changes his name because it sounds too like mine. Gafr turns up – he appears to be a goat. Groggsy says lots of foreign players have four legs – its in the genes.
Friday: Letter from council demanding extra rates as I have rented out broom cupboard. Get solicitor to send letter to council demanding they take extra action about illegal immigrants. Sell Bolivian to Portsmouth. Instruct solicitor to write to the BBC to demand explanation as to why they do not invite me to be interviewed any more. Solicitor says it is because I refuse to talk to them. Sack solicitor. Try Gafr at centre half in practice match. Plays poorly, but American owners order me to keep him in order to increase the goat marketing strategy he has prepared. Reinstate solicitor and tell solicitor to sue owners.
Saturday: Establish “Special Relationship” with Manchester City. Sven and I interviewed. I say “He’s foreign you know.” Sven says, “So are you.” I hit him. Announce the decision to build a 100 meter high gun so that I can send Groggsy to the Moon to search for more players. Chairman says I am not international enough in my outlook. Tell the chairman I am an Atlantisit and to prove it I give Sven a scone. Goat marketing strategy apparently big success – am interviewed by Nordic Goat on MUTV to help develop the interest.
Sunday: All Season ticket holders are now required to give three days notice to the club before they leave the country – by calling an 090 number at £2 a second. The chairman calls to say Gafr has eaten the pitch. No problem – it needed relaying. Groggsy tells me Gafr has appointed him as agent, and he is demanding a payrise of double grass rations on Thursday. I tell him I’ll put it to the board. I demand to know what sort of name “Gafr” is anyway. Groggsy says it is Welsh. I call him Garfy just to make it easy.
Want more? Try http://www.emiratesstadium.info/ferguson.htm
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