How to predict exactly who Arsenal are about to sign. (Honest it works).

By Tony Attwood

Out of all these stories one of them will be true.  The trick is to find which one!

We are going to sign Cesc.  We’ve got first option, Barce don’t want him, the fans who share his DNA (messy thing DNA, horrible twirling stuff that just sits there and controls what you are) don’t like him and boo him when he plays.  Man U want him, so does Man C, PSG, Monaco, and the guy who runs the petrol station in Rotherham on the by-pass just by the sweet shop.  (The Telegraph says some of this.)

According to the Guardian the Real Sociedad winger Antoine Griezmann is a top target for Arsenal.  Mind you they also talk about Carlos Vela coming back via the a buy-back clause for £3m.   So we could have Cesc and Carlos.  Just like the old days.  Typical Wenger, can’t see past yesterday!

The Guardian has also lined up Toulouse right-back Serge Aurier for us.  He’s from the Ivory Coast defender, 21, and told Eurosport France: “It is true that I would be a bit disappointed to stay in Toulouse after a season like this one. I want to try something else.  Typical Wenger buying some kid we’ve never heard of.

The Telegraph goes for Serge Aurier, as well, so they must follow the same phone tapping network.  Apparently our men in foreign parts have been watching him, while the English scouts looked at Calum Chambers, from Southampton.  Morgan Schneiderlin also says he wants to leave and Arsenal would do him fine.

Everyone seems to say Sagna is going to Man City as they can only afford freebies after their FFP fiasco.    Typical Wenger, he’s so mean we don’t even get caught out by FFP.  I mean, what do they teach in the economics lectures in Strasburg?

In different mode, Barcelona have got fed up with Alex Song as well as DNA Cesc, and are trying to offload him (“We’ve only got one”) to Chelsea.

The Star is still sure that Arsenal are going to “battle with Monaco in their quest to sign former Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli” and claim it is a truthful statement rather than a wild drug inspired bad dream.

They are also touting Anderlecht’s defender Cheikhou Kouyate.  Typical Wenger, always buying people with unpronounceable names.  Give us a C.  Give us an H.  Give us an.. an… oh forget it.

Going elsewhere Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea are “in the chase” (where do they get these archaic phrases?) for MK Dons midfielder Dele Alli (18), who has been dubbed the ‘new Steven Gerrard’. (That is in the fanatical right wing anti-EU Daily Express).  Dele Alli makes a better chant though.  It’s a half rhyme, and I like half rhymes.

Back with the bush Telegraph Arsenal are “set to” (yawn yawn) make a £30m bid for Karim Benzema, but that is old news.  Typical Wenger, always old news.  And are “ready to splash out £29 million on Real Madrid’s Angel di Maria”.   Yep that’s the Daily Star again.   “Splash the cash” – where do they get these phrases from?

[The pub – Ima Journalist.]

Oh and here’s a laugh.  Brendan Rodgers says Luis Suárez is “happy” in Liverpool, and “has contributed massively to our success” – a term he elected not to define. Oh and he’s injured and has had a knee op.   And will miss the world cup. No he won’t.  Depends which paper you read.

Worrying news for Walter and co is that José Mourinho recently spent the night in Belgium – studying Thorgan Hazard of Zulte Waregem.

In old news Everton are now trying to scupper Arsenal’s bid for Wilfried Bony.

We haven’t mentioned the Star for a couple of lines – so here they are again.   Bayern Munich are expected to make an offer for him although I have now forgotten who him is  (It’s good stuff this ain’t it?)

Here’s a thought.  One day before we signed Ozil no one was talking about Ozil.  So, choose a player no one is talking about, and he’s the one we are going to sign.

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23 Replies to “How to predict exactly who Arsenal are about to sign. (Honest it works).”

  1. I’m looking forward to new people in the medical department that can work with horse placenta or whatever miracle stuff that can heal players in an instant 😉
    Or better refs that don’t allow our players being kicked all over the place.

    That would be more important than bringing in D’Ont K’now W’ho from some African country for me.
    But it is the funny time of the season time yet again and so we will be bombarded with mostly (conservative estimation 99,99%) wrong rumours about everybody that has ever kicked a ball will be coming to Arsenal. Or should come.

  2. Tony you forgot to mention the ESPN story…
    ‘Arsenal and Liverpool battle for Remy’
    and also from the Express…
    ‘Man Utd, Arsenal and Liverpool in three-way battle to land Inter starlet Mateo Kovacic’
    Poor Arsene is going to be exhausted fighting all these ‘battles’. He will probably be ‘snubbed’ by all of them before the transfer window ‘slams shut’.

  3. Wait… more news… An agreement has been made to buy Juli Draxler for 20 quid and 4 pence… Dennis Bergkamp signs for Arsenal and will take over his original number 10 from jacky (oh how i wish this were true) and Marijuana Fellatio will join arsenal on transfer day !!!! Fun Tusk Tick

  4. Thanks for the round up. I can predict in the fake rumors that some Spanish newspapers will say that Arsenal in interested to sign subs of Real Madrid and Barcelona. Like each year (just remind some of them: Sahin, Krkic, Tello etc.).
    I personally just hope for one signing: a big forward.

  5. Well…some of the eager ones made the announcement that Sagna has already signed for City and it turns out to be not true…

  6. Did U use the phrase: “Arsenal eyeing …..” ?
    If not shame on you 😉

    I wonder how do they do that “eyeing” thing? Staring at him till he gets uncomfortable? Or winking? or giving him the eye. Now that is a bit difficult because you can only do that twice. After that you have no more eyes to give.

  7. Most (if not all) of Arsene’s successful signings were the ones that just happened without advance notice at all, but with the likes of Jeffers, Wright & Chamakh it seemed that the media were picking our transfers for us and pressuring Arsene into buying relatively unproven players. Agents plant these stories about the ins & outs at all teams across Europe, so it’s no wonder that we get associated with any amount of worthy/unworthy additions to our squad, while hopefully the real deals are taking place privately in club boardrooms.

  8. Tony

    I don’t know if you can confirm this but I’ve heard that due to last years monumental cock up Daniel levy has decided to go for a completely different approach in this years transfer window.

    I’ve heard he’s going to write the names of 100 potential signings on different pieces of paper and draw them out of a tombola.

    Oh, Wait a minute, my mistake, my mates just said that’s what he did LAST year.

    Apparently he’s not taking any risks and is going back the tried and trusted ‘Ip dip dog shit’ method he used in 2012.

  9. Walter,
    Your 8.43 caught my eye.
    If we could only have an average injury season, I would cheerfully forego no new signings now and in January 🙂

  10. It’s the whole “Arsene Wenger handed £100 million to spend” that makes me laugh!

    Come on? We all know that Arsenal would never announce how much they have to spend. Everyone would raise prices even more for Arsenal if that happened.

    Secondly,Arsene would never spend that much any way!

    Just switch off the laptop and forget about transfer rumours until about two hours before the deadline on deadline day. Then you will see how much all this hype and paper talk has been thrown out of all proportion because, we all know what to expect from Arsenal. Very little unfortunately..

  11. Oh I am grateful for little mercies.

    Up to 2 seasons ago, the story at this time of the year is usually about important players that are leaving Arsenal. Those used to be sad days for me but thank goodness, the tide has turned and I am so grateful for that. Save for Sagna and Fabianski, we are pretty solid and that gives me so much joy!

    Let the media link us to every two legged human who kicks a ball for a living and I can’t be bothered. I trust the people who are responsible for Arsenal’s recruitment and the only source that I believe when it comes to Arsenal signings is

    The silly season has begun but thanks to the World cup, it won’t be 3 months long.

  12. @Walter, thanks very much for the emails, but I’m having a bit of trouble with my hotmail account! I can’t seem to reply to you or view your contact details. And maybe I’m being blind but I cannot find any contact info on untold.

    So I’ve got a new email you can contact me at! Thanks again!

  13. How could you forget the Griezmann-Vela trade off? Arsenal has valued the buy back clause at 12m and Sociedad are considering deducting that from their 30m valuation of Griezmann so we can have him at 18m and leave Vela for them! You know, Wenger will allow them to have someone with Premiership experience, same number of goals as Griezmann but with thrice as many assists and spend “just” 18m instead of having Vela for less than 4m!!!

  14. The compelling desire of most fans is to see their club improve in some way over the close season, either by bringing in new and better players or by bringing forward junior players, if the latter are good enough. At this time of year the media and blogsphere play on that emotion – out of self interest – as they seek hits to improve their advertising pull.

    My view is that the wild rumours are best ignored.

    The one thing the media does achieve, as indicated in the article, is identify who is not being chased by Arsenal.

    We know that AW will be seeking players for certain positions and will do so in the maximum possible secrecy – otherwise the obscenely rich clubs (and even a cheeky chicken) will try to disrupt our business.

  15. “link us to every two legged human who kicks a ball ”

    why stop there , lets add two legged and four legged animals,

    giant elephants from circus which play football – sry Jose took it so he can park them instead of a bus, rear kicking donkeys – sry stoke has them all in stock and supply to every team when they play against arsenal,
    biting carnivores like tigers from circus again- sry Liverpool have dibs there.

    phew .. last conclusion – we only have to go for 2 legged humans who play football. You are rite Bootomee.

  16. Oh, and Gooner News are saying that Arteta is on the way to Fiorentina because he’s being shortchanged by the no-long-term-contract policy for over-30s.

    (And please: Stay Bac, Stay…loyalty for loyalty.)

  17. Nice article Tony .
    Like you said , one thing we can learn from these transfer ‘rumours’ is who Wenger is not considering . Reverse Psychology 101 .
    The Rags just add Arsenal to a list of other teams who are ‘in the chase’ for player X just to appear on the news feeds and get clicks and ad-views .
    Also I’m pretty sure that 99% of rumour headlines wouldn’t pass a turing test. They are so generic . Kinda reminds me of
    Someone please make this with football transfer – It’d be awesome.

    Jambug @ 09:12 Maybe Levy will rehire the deadline day genius old ‘Arry xD

  18. Daniel levy should stick to what he knows best. Jeans.

    On a serious note, I am amazed he gets such an easy ride off the press for his incompetence and arrogance. Could you imagine what would have happened if he was Arsenal chairman!

  19. The latest talk I hear is that Tony Adams has sounded out Arsene with a view to replacing *Steve Bould as Assistant Coach (and eventually succeeding Arsene no doubt).
    * If Steve goes to WBA as manager of course

  20. Thanks Mr Attwood for the amusement. That’s what transfer news should be for anybody that knows Wenger’s middle name.

    Hilarious comments too from everybody. Thanks all for making my day. By the way, where is Brickfields Gunners?


  21. @ Damilare – Me’s a here ! Quiet and slow week – no AAAAs to swat !Boring !

    Lawyers and Their Possessions.

    One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

    “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

    Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY MERCEDES DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!” he exclaimed.

    “Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?” the lawyer asked.

    “HA!” the policeman replied, “You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.
    The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed: “MY ROLEX!”

  22. Only in the US!

    A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

    The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the Judge that since she had brought the children into this World, she should retain custody of them.

    The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

    After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied : ” Your Honor, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine ? ”

    Don’t laugh, he won . . . No kidding!

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