Inside informants at Tottie-Train, the Temporary Tottenham Training Turf have revealed that the Tinies have spent lots of time looking at Arsenal and the way they have consistentlyended up several hundred light years ahead of the Totts year after year.
Of course the Tots have had some success – their secret underwater research centre in Hackney Marshes have perfected the Depression Spray Bomb which is regularly aimed at Arsenal fans, to make them feel utterly miserable, and to believe that although they are always higher up the table than the Totties, and don’t lose to Portsmouth, they are actually about to implode.
But the Tots are never satisfied. Having run simulations of Arsenal’s team, performance, pizzas, passing, and lack of portakabins, the Totties have found that the clue to Arsenal’s great success is their injuries.
So Tottenham have arranged to meet Arsenal injury for injury ahead of this week’s 100th anniversary meeting.
Tiddly Widdly captain Ledley King is what the journalists call “a major doubt” after missing the fiasco on the slippery slopes of Wibbly Wobbly Wembly. Following Arsenal’s success in playing Gallas and Cesc, they will play him in the 100th anniversary game on Wednesday.
Aaron Lennon has returned to full fitness and is ready to play but the Tinies have decided that would make them appear unlike Arsenal, so they have knee-capped him.
An announcement on the Totties web site says that “Rednapp also lost Nico Kranjcar”. This does not mean, as some have suggested that they has a suspected fracture to his shin, but rather that he stole Carlos Vela’s passport and is now in Trinidad.
“it is important,” said Mr Knapper of the Lane, “that we copy Arsenal step for step. Arsenal had Song out because of 10 cards so we have Wilson Palacios out for ten cards too.”
Mr Knapp denied that Wilson Palaciosis a renowned soul singer and songwriter with a fiery and edgy style known as Wicked Wilson who recorded “In The Midnight Hour”, “634-5789” , “Mustang Silly”, “Land Of 1000 Dunces”, “Fulham Broadway”, and “Don’t Knock My Love – Part 1”
“Wilson misses two vital games. We’ve got to try and get a fit team out for Arsenal.” Redknapp moped as he mopped his moped.
The report says that it is important to go into every match with a “major doubt” and so have recruited Vedran Corluka who played on the slippery slopes with an ankle which might our might not be injured. “He was pumped full of drugs,” said Mr Redd, and the player was at once arrested by PC Plod and the Plodds whose 1983 record, “Say that again Sonny (and I’ll smash your face in)” was a hit during the extra-time break at Wilson P’s wedding.
Arsenal of course will always retaliate in their own way, and after another burst of depression spray the head of PR, Mr Earsa Story announced that…
1. Following the takeover of the club by someone or other after the sale of shares Lady Iva Loadsofmoney the almighty Lord Wenger will go to Real Mad because they have real talent there.
2. Arsenal miss out on signing everyone. It doesn’t matter if Arsenal didn’t want the player, if we have never heard of the player, if the player has never asked for a transfer, or if no one knows anything about it. Arsenal miss out on signing Messi’s mother-in-law will do. As along as it makes Arsenal look silly, the story must run on someone’s blog. Arsenal miss out on signing Uruguayan goalkeeping sensation Wheresthe Goal, after he signs a new three year extension to his contract with Tierra Del Fuego Juniors. “We never heard from Arsenal” said Mr Goal’s agent, “so what are we supposed to do?”
3. Arshavin is going somewhere, anywhere where there is no tax, no weather, no traffic, no dogs, no other players and no journalists.
4. Eduardo is off to Lyon. It’s not a transfer, he just likes the city.
5. Cesc is going to Man City. “Real Mad and Barca haven’t spoken to me for weeks and I feel lonely,” said the Arsenal captain.
And while all this seems pathetically stupid and utterly silly, the five rumours above all appeared on at least three Arsenal blogs each in the past 48 hours, and the Tiddly Tiny Totties do have a few injury worries.
So there you are. Up to date and hoity toity.
And yes, of course it was Wilson Picket, and no he never went to Fulham and his Mustang was called Sally.
(It’s not easy writing this stuff you know).
(Actually do you know there are some sites that take football very seriously. They must get awfully worked up at times, what with always being wrong.)
Billy the dog McGraw. (You know it doesn’t make sense).
- Why the media’s new statistical analyses of football is just a trick to stop you noticing what’s going on
- Yesterday’s game: how Arsenal won, and where the journalists got things wrong
- Brentford v Arsenal: past exploits and the Arsenal team news
- French authorities issue arrest warrant over awarding of World Cup to Qatar
- Brentford v Arsenal: the history and the build up, with some extraordinary odds