Shocking revelation as Arsenal to sign amazing midfielder and complete trio of top signings

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Arsenal have a keeper, and still need a defensive midfielder and a centre forward.  That’s the story, so what’s new?

Keeping people waiting is not a good idea, especially when they are waiting in anticipation.  Too much anticipation can cause many awful illnesses including the onset of early dementia.

Of course I am not a medic and I leave those matters in the most capable hands of Dr Billy “the Dog” McGraw, but I would warrant that some sort of forgetfulness was in the (or not in the) mind of the writer of today’s Headline of the day

Breaking: Arsenal FINALLY Make ANNOUNCEMENT Regarding New SIGNING

What does that mean?  Well, I think it means that Arsenal have made an announcement.   The story below the HEADLINE tells us that the topic that the announcement is all about is the shirt numbers that players will have this coming season.  The writer writes

On a number of occasions in the past two years, the club’s official Instagram account has displayed the shirt numbers of new arrivals like Mesut Ozil, Alexis Sanchez and Danny Welbeck.

However, this time there is no information revealed till now and it would be interesting to see what number is given to the veteran keeper.

So the announcement is not an announcement then.  Or no announcement.

But what of these numbers I hear you cry.  Surely there is something!  Well…

Hector Bellerin has gone up the charts from 39 to 24 (Diaby’s latter day number).  Isaac Hayden now has 42 and  Chuba Akpom 32, both confirming the club’s continuing belief in them.  Number 9 is now absent following the farewell of Podolski.

“But what,” I hear you ask, you persistent little bugger, “is your number Sir Hardly?”

Of course I don’t have one, but I am not sure if you realise that these days Untold is getting 800,000 page views a month.  Quite a lot really.  And they all need to be entertained.  Quite a responsibility.

And of course many of those who do attend this august forum of news and revelation do so in order to learn exactly who, what, where, how, when and other things beginning with “w” – except “how” which ends with a “w”

But I digress.  The issue today, as all the world agrees is that Arsenal need a defensive midfielder and an centre forward.  Discussions as to why and what becomes of the people we have got are thrust aside with a rude push in a back, and the mantra is repeated.

And who will they be?

Well now we know:  In midfield its William Carvalho, for it is definitely he who is coming, as I read in a report of a report of a report.   Except there may be a problem because the smash headline Defensive midfielder agrees to sign contract on Goonernews leads to the shocking revelation that the page on the internet is missing!!!!  Shock horror 404.

However not to worry for the centre forward reports of reports of fresh reports say Arsenal are ready to break the bank for Vidal.  Although some sites are still pushing the merits of Higuain.

And what are we to make of all this?  Well, according to the Telegraph none of it is true because

The lesson of this window? Football’s top talents no longer want to play in England

So it is all off.  But wow, no, look….

Arsenal have joined Manchester United in the hunt for Germany international Mario Gotze after his agent slammed Bayern Munich for their treatment of the player.

Volker Struth was scathing in his assessment of the way the Catalan coach has treated his client, who he says needs to feel the faith of the club.

And elsewhere….

The World Cup winner with Germany had been expected to play a starring role last season but was shuffled around positionally by Guardiola before being dropped for crucial semi-final ties in the Champions League and DFB-Pokal.

But don’t get too excited, because this notion of putting up a headline and then contradicting it totally in the body of the text is spreading.

And the 23-year-old’s representative has pointed the finger of blame at the trainer as the reason for the midfielder not fulfilling his potential so far, though he also ruled out an exit as of now .

But still, “Guardiola has destroyed Gotze. He feels like the coach doesn’t have faith in him and yet still he is asked to be decisive when he gets on the pitch,” Volker Struth told Bild , is worth a bit of a read. is the source of all that fun.

In reply, the Telegraph asks,

but fails to answer the question as apparently no one at the paper could remember.

The Metro, meanwhile, says Arsenal have been cleared to sign Karim Benzema, with Real Madrid reportedly open to selling him.   The price is £17.8 million bid for the France international.

But there is always a snag.

Man United are also thought to be interested in Benzema, as they look to replace Radamel Falcao.

Of course we are now deep into the insanity season, so as virtually everyone who can kick a ball has been touted as an Arsenal man we are now in the “not coming” line up.  

Arsenal’s long-term target, Morgan Schneiderlin, is set to join Manchester United as soon as they meet Southampton’s £25 million asking price, while the Gunners are not interested in Arturo Vidal and Ilkay Gundogan has signed a new deal at Borussia Dortmund.

Ospina meanwhile is still waiting for Fenerbahce while his suitors are saying that the keeper is on holiday and can’t be contacted.

But there is a DONE DEAL.   Oh yes oh yes.

Jordi Osei-Tutu from Reading is a 16-year-old, who can also play in central midfield or on the wing.  He has joined up with Vlad Dragomir and Yassin Fortune.

I must say I love these guys names’.  Of course we used to have Geoff Strong, but if you can’t get a Geoff Strong then Vlad Dragomir and Yassin Fortune will suit me down to the ground.  In fact I demand that Untold immediately signs a writer called Jordi Vlad Dragomir Fortune.

You heard it here first.  (If you read this far, that is).

Did you know we Twit?  @UntoldArsenal

And just to prove some transfers do happen on this day

8 July 1990: Anders Limpar signed from Cremonese.  He played 94 league games in a four year spell at Arsenal, before moving on to Everton.  He later won the Swedish league with AIK.  After retiring in 2000 he went into coaching and then business.

25 Replies to “Shocking revelation as Arsenal to sign amazing midfielder and complete trio of top signings”

  1. we want world calss striker dmf and lmf laccerzette videl pedro dima all player reach our team is not easy but we want the premier league champiam they are the best player for our team

  2. I don’t care what man U does or doesn’t.. We need Carvalho asap not vidal that guy is clumsy on the ball.. Carvalho does everything vidal does with more strength more pace more height and more composure on the ball and have you seen his vision to pick a pass and passing range to start a counter attack? That kid is the real deal.. And after we need a striker but then Wenger might want to put some faith in Welbeck.. So I reckon a striker IF we get a striker it’ll be very late in the window after wenger has fully assessed his squad and who might be able to fill the Sanchez void.. And I mean he’ll be looking at the likes of Welbeck and Akpom if they can cover for giroud till Sanchez is back.

  3. Todays big Arsenal story appears to be Wenger considering a move for Di Maria.

  4. I am glad we didn’t follow the advice of the AAA/media and sign Capoue for 22million a couple years back. Previous target for a similar fee, M’vila isn’t doing too much either, not is Lassana Diarra or Tiote.

  5. Dear Sir Hardly Anyone, just got to say a fantastic read. A real as they say “breath of fresh air” article with wit & brilliant humour.
    You get up on a dreary morning read this and it made me smile & laugh repeatedly. Long may you continue writing, now I have found “Untold Arsenal” I will be a regular visitor.

  6. Ants – Sir Hardly has gone for a lay down for a while after all the effort of that piece, but I shall pass on your best wishes when he wakes up.

  7. Sammy I think it was always insane of Sir F Word to put Persie on this long a contract at that sort of salary with his injury record. But then Sir F knew he wouldn’t be there to pick up the pieces. At £200.000 a week I think they would love him to go.

  8. Theo,Oli, Danny,and Chuba thats the four if Joel goes. I agree if we are making one more signing Carvalho would be the one. Our squad is absolutly packed with players capable of playing numerous positions well. Serge,Ox and TR7 can occupy the right hand side if Theo moves in to the centre and even Hector could play in front of Mathieu if needed. We have the variables in all positions even the holding midfield role can be played by Le Coq, Jack, Mikel and Isaac Hayden and even Aaron.
    The biggest importance this season is not a new signing but a clearer injury list.

  9. I suppose it was always a no brainer to re-sign Arteta. He’ll do a good job in his usual quite way of covering the central midfield players and eventually moving to a coaching role in a couple of seasons. I don’t think we even need to sign a so called “world class” DM when the team can function perfectly with the squad we have, but money will probably be spent in other areas.
    I don’t care much for this idea of bringing in Di Maria. He’s obviously a quality player who didn’t work out a Man U, but we have top class wide players, unless of course Theo is being seriously considered as a main striker, in which case………
    I read somewhere today that Ozil is being given his favoured “number 10” role which I thought he had anyway.

  10. Carvalho is from the Mendes-stable, 3r party ownership involved (I think) so 2 reasons why he will not be allowed to go to Arsenal by the forces behind football.

  11. Great news….

    No not the signing of a def/mid or striker, but the shirt numbers…

    But I’m still on edge worrying whose gonna be our new number 9…

    All this excitement is really too much…

  12. Damnation.

    Walter destroys my hopes and dreams. Arsenal won’t be signing a Mendezian Mule? Mmmmmm…..Mangala? Where’s the ambition? Vengarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    How comes none of self-declared experts who always call for Arsenal to sign Jorge’s pawns ever mention that AFC don’t really like that sort and haven’t don’t since ye olde days (Before Wenger), is it all not a little bit incredulous considering these AAA have been bleating on for a while now. Almost enough to make you think that some might be hoping for a little bit commission?:)

  13. Carragher worried about Sterlings ‘reputation’?

    Now that is not so much mindless as completely disingenious and deliberately misleading rubbish. Remarkable.

    When do we imagine that any of these hack dwarves who are not on commission from any agents *coughs*, when will they muster up the footballs required to mention the words ‘Webster Ruling’ (tips hat to all at Untold). The bravehearts that they are? Don’t hold your breath!

  14. re: the troll(s) that has been talking to itself whilst exposing it’s dark tetrad characteristics for all to see:
    It’s a troll. The very same one(s). The AAA. It wants to provoke gibberish and ruin article threads, that’s what a troll aspires to. Especially one that has proven that it knows even less then the sweet FA about the football 🙂

  15. Robert, I don’t know who that would have been to be honest. Mendes is a good friend with Mourinho…

  16. Makes for an easy way of discounting transfer rumours, if it is true that we’ve never signed a Mendes ward.

    Guess who Mourinho’s agent is? Yup, Mendes. Ditto Falcao. Ditto Cuadrado, Diego Costa, Musonda, Di Maria and Garay.

    However, Carlos Vela has Mendes as his agent. Perhaps he didn’t when we bought him?

  17. Arseblog has an article, which nominally looks to be someone reading an article out of Men’s Fitness to you. Might be better to read the Men’s Fitness article. I see nothing absurd in this, I would have expected core training and balance to have been part of the system for at lest the last 10 years.

    One term might need explaining.

    DEXA, something like dual energy X-ray Absorption. One energy is probably just below an absorption edge in Calcium (and hence more easily absorbed) and the other one just above the same absorption edge. The difference in intensity allows one to correct for the bone present, and is a good way to access the density of bones. Can be used to estimate some soft tissue properties. Is complementary to MRI images.

    There is a sports betting conference at the Emirates on Sept 9, 2015. sbcevents is apparently selling tickets to this.

  18. Going back to my 1:29 comment, on “Absurd Fitness” in the opinion of Jack Wilshere.

    I’m an engineer, which means I have a professional attitude to study. I was an Adjunct Professor of Pharmacy, which means I know more biochemistry than my engineering peers. I did athletic first aid for 20+ years, and got injured a lot, and so I understand rehab. And I taught weightlifting for 8 years or so.

    What I think is absurd in Jack’s opinion (in the next issue of Men’s Fitness), is that Jack ever had this attitude.

    And maybe this points to the need for youths in the system to get formal schooling. But, I think Jack (and all youth’s) should start getting core strengthening from when they first start hitting puberty.

    Look at a human skeleton. We have feet. Between feet and what looks like a hinge joint at the knees, we have a big bone and a thin bone. Look a little higher, and we have the ball and socket joints of the hips. Lots of bone. And we have big bones connecting the hip to the top of the knee.

    Above the hip at the back, is this flimsy set of bones called the backbone. Around the top of the thorax, we have rib bones coming from the backbone towards the midline of the chest (sternum).

    Everything below the hips speaks to power, based on the ball and socket at the hip. Everything above the base of the rib cage seems to have a lot of structure. And between the base of the rib cage and the hips, all we have is this flimsy backbone.

    The hips approximate a squashed cylinder, as does the base of the rib cage. The CORE is what connects the squashed cylinder of the hips, to the squashed cylinder of the upper torso.

    The outermost muscle which connects ribs to hip, is rectus abdominus. This is a segmented muscle, consisting of muscle and fibrous tissue. For the fashion industry, this is the six pack. The ability to show a “6 pack” is in part genetic. Some people will not show a “6 pack” regardless of how strong the core is, or how low the percent bodyfat is. Rectus abdominus brings the base of your rib cage closer to your hips.

    In the back, along the spine, we have a bunch of little muscles (erector spinae) which connect the back of the hip to various points along the spine, and possibly some of the ribs. If you are bending over to tie your shoes, erector spinae bring you upright (well, and the hamstrings and gluteus maximus, as rotation at the hip is also required).

    The next set of muscles inside, are the internal and external obliques. They are complementary, and their use is nominally to effect rotation of the spine and upper torso with respect to the hips. Used together, they cause tilting of the spine.

    Inside of the obliques, is a set of muscles which have the orientation of a belt, they run the the periphery of the stomach cavity. Their action is exactly the same as a belt.

    If we have a stomach cavity empty of air, tightening up the core muscles (rectus abdominus, erector spinae, internal/external obliques and the belt type muscles) pressurizes the stomach cavity.

    To run, with a floppy core, decreases how fast you can run. You cannot head a ball strongly without a strong core. You cannot throw in a ball strongly, without a strong core. Because the core is used in maintaining balance, they are typically strengthened via endurance training, not strength training. If you go through a long core workout and tire the core muscles, get on the treadmill and try walking up a steep hill. The change in balance point of the steep hill, makes your core work differently to maintain balance, and the core muscles should let you know they are unhappy.

    I think the most common football injury that needs rehab are sprained ankles. Technically, a sprain is a stretching or tearing of a ligament or tendon. What usually happens when you sprain a ligament or tendon, is that you stretch a nerve as well. The rehab mostly works on fixing the ligament or tendon, but often you see balance exercises as part of the rehab. The balance calibration for that joint was upset by the sprain. We need to do balance work to re-calibrate the joint. And it usually helps to strengthen the joint as well.

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