PGMO ready to recommend that all league referees should be armed during matches.

By Dr Billy “the dog” McGraw (senior weaponry advisor to Professional Game Match Officials Ltd)

The secretive organisation, PGMO, which is believed to control football refereeing at the professional level in England, have long been rumoured to be closely associated with the Italian Mafia, and it seems that the influence of their patrons is spreading.

While in England PGMO work in slow, ponderous and highly secretive ways however, it appears that they are using overseas venues to experiment with new approaches – including the arming of referees.

A colleague of mine at the Hospital Universitário de Certas Coisas has informed me of a growing number of shootings of players, linesmen, club directors, players and peanut retailers by referees in recent months, and now we have our first pictures of such an incident.

I am told PGMO is monitoring the situation closely and has secretly prepared a series of highly speculative briefing papers which the Independent, Telegraph and other pro-PGMO newspapers are set ready to publish as fact.

At the moment the proposal is only that referees should be fully armed in amateur games, but it is understood that this will be a preliminary proposal by PGMO before the full detailed arrangements of issuing weaponry to all referees as standard kit will be implemented in time for FA Cup games next season.


Referee Gabriel Murta pulls a gun during a match

Amateur games as we all know (well those of us who played them) can either be gentle affairs or the sort of rough and tumble that makes you wonder if working out in the Arena with the lions in the days of the Roman Republic might not be easier.

And here we can see a referee, who has been trained in PGMO tactics, taking reasonable precautions to ensure a game does not get out of hand.

In the picture above we can see referee Gabriel Murta replacing the need for the namby-pamby notebook affair that has so brought the game in England into total disrepute, and instead using a much more satisfactory and to the point revolver to deal with a disputed offside call in the match between Amantes de Bola and Brumadinho.

In case you have not been west of Barnsley in recent months allow me to explain.

Brumadinho is in the region of Belo.  And I know this (perverse and odd person that I am) because the Centro de Arte Contemporânea Inhotim  (Inhotim Museum of Contemporary Art), is in the city of Brumadinho.  The museum is based on the land of a former British engineer known as Senhor Tim.  He sold the land to an engineer, and the new owner  Bernardo Paz brought in a lot of artists to work there.

Now while in England anyone who works in the arts is considered a scrounger, a weirdo, and quite probably a Man U supporter who lives in Cornwall, the Brazillians don’t have this narrow minded approach.  In Brazil they love art.  And indeed in the Inhotim Museum one pavillion is dedicated totally to the work of one of Paz′s multifarious ex-wives, the Brazilian artist Adriana Varejão.

So that is one of the two sides involved – Brumadinho.  The other was Amantes de Bola.  Their name needs little explanation I am sure.   Bola means Ball in Portuguese.  And Amantes means “Lovers”.   So Lovers of Football is a possible translation for Amantes de Bola.

Anyway back to the game.

Officiating the match between the art lovers of Brumadinho and the ball lovers of Amantes da Bola, referee Gabriel Murta was forced to pull out his handgun after being kicked and punched by an Amantes da Bola player.   His action was swift and just.  “This is exactly the sort of refereeing we need in England,” said Ima Turnip, head of the PGMO Weaponry Division.

“The decisions of referees are being discussed and analysed in every corner and we simply cannot have this.  We want the re-establishment of moats around all pitches with crocodiles in place to deal with any malcontents.

“Of course there has been immediate wild hysteria in England as there always is.  But in this case the display of weaponry mollified the teams and the game continued.  The local referees’ association has been offering support to their man and we are offering support to the local association.”

The boss of the Federação Mineira de Futebol’s referee association Giuliano Bozzano said of his compatriol, “He acted in self-defense. Everyone knows the difficulty of amateur championships.

“The referees have already been through difficult situations. We have had several cases of referees being assaulted and even shot.”

“There you are, I told you so,” said Donna Quoteme, head of firearms training at PGMO headquarters in Naples.

The referee, a Mr Murta, clarified his view, which for legal reasons cannot be questioned by anyone.

“I took a slap in the face and a kick in the shin,” he said. “I was pressured by several players and brought out my gun to arrest the offending player. But he ran, jumped the fence and ran away.  Fortunately visitors from PGMO who were assessing our work were at the ready with machine guns and an armoured tank and they quickly dealt with the lad.

“I just wanted to defend myself and take action as a police officer. I was beaten as a citizen, he committed a crime.”

The Referees Association of Brazil have held an enquiry and found that their member had not acted “disproportionately” in these circumstances.

Asked if it was right if a referee’s association should investigate the action of one of its own members, the spokesperson said, “That’s what the FA does in England isn’t it?  Have you ever heard of the FA taking evidence or letting a matter be considered by a third party?  Of course not!   Once we start doing that we’ll never hear the end of it.”

And I think we can all agree.


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19 Replies to “PGMO ready to recommend that all league referees should be armed during matches.”

  1. Tony,
    It seems to me a quite natural progression for the Doc to move from the medical profession to weaponry.
    At least he’s being honest about the connection. 😉

  2. I stay with this 🙂

    “That’s what the FA does in England isn’t it? Have you ever heard of the FA taking evidence or letting a matter be considered by a third party? Of course not! Once we start doing that we’ll never hear the end of it.”

  3. LOL
    I’m considering of changing my flag with a baseball bat with a flag on for my next match this weekend.
    The first player that dares to question my offside decision will not know what hits him 🙂 🙂 😉

  4. Actually there’s far more to this than meets the eye. There’s a certain amount of politics within the PMGO and the Triad arm have had their noses put out by the Mafia arms suggestion. The Triad arm are lobbying for guns to be reserved for PL games only and for the officials to be fully trained in the use of Throwing Stars, Nunchuks, Tonfas, Tekko and Surujin, for all other competitions.
    We wait with baited breath for the outcome of their discussions.

    It should be noted that Martin Atkinson is a fan of the Tonfa and has been known to lend his to John ‘shagger’ Terry whilst on the pitch against particularly skilful players, whenever Mr Atkinson happens to be an official at a Chavski game.

  5. Still good that we signed that petition, I dread imagining what could have happened with Mike Dean having a gun on the pitch;)

  6. Am I the only one to realise that the refs of the PGMOB have all been brain slurped ( not at all a difficult procedure as their brains were already mush to begin with !), and have had it replaced with fine mechanical but fluid nano circuits that can be controlled and manipulated by them.
    THEM , them and not ‘them’ them! That lot are already a lost cause !
    The dead giveaway is those clean shaven heads ! And don’t they all oddly look the same ? You know , Riley , Taylor , Mason , Dean , Atikinson . Anyway ,as surgical sterility is a must , all hair is removed , as any contaminants may infect this new brain and get it to go against the grain and/or regenerate and…..heaven forbid …think !
    In brain picking , hair is not removed ,is messy and after the procedure they seem to have weird hairstyles. As this is a selective procedure , failures and reversal are possible . There is a case study which showed that one of them had reverted to normalcy after attending an Ed Sheeran concert ! He was not seen around for quite a while, as he was taken in for re-adjustment.
    Also the music of Barry Manilow , Demis Roussos , Micheal Bolton , James Taylor and Andy Williams seem also to have a negating effect on these ‘ head’ cases and therefore have been banned for them .
    So the treatment of choice in such cases is to proverbially soothe these savage beasts by playing the above mentioned music before and during the games .
    Conversely , rap , DJ mixes , elevator music ,muzak , stadium announcers and the singing of Arsenal songs gets them real mad and cranky !

  7. Given the penchant the PGMO have exhibited for dishing unjustified yellos and reds to Arsenal players and the disturbed mental state of some of the officials – it might be prudent for AFC to invest in kevlar vests! 🙂

  8. If Mike Dean had the choice, I have no doubt he would take a semi-automatic onto the pitch for Arsenal games.

    After wiping out the entire first team squad, he would then turn his attention to the fans.

    The FFM media and pundits will say that Mike Dean did not use excessive force and that hs actions were the result of Arsenal being too nice. Arsene Wenger will be criticised for failing to control his players, as they tried to defend themselves and Arsenal will recive a hefty fine of £250,000 and a transfer embargo for three years.

    Mike Dean? Oh, he will be promoted to head up PGMOL.

  9. I still want to know what happened between Dean and the Arsenal fans at Moscow Bridge! It hasn’t made the papers, so maybe (as a group of 106,200), we should send the petition to Mike Riley and ask him to explain Dean’s treatment of supporters who pay his salary!

  10. Norman 14

    A few fans on twitter not happy about Deans actions at the Bridge. I think Walter was going to look into this, not sure if he managed to get to the bottom of this? In essence, they claim he warmed up near them, instead of in the middle of the pitch which is usual. They say he exchanged banter with them when they were singing him the usual anti-Dean song during the warm up. They also claim he signalled to them during the game. A Chelsea fan also siad they thought it unusual he and his asstants warmed up in front of the Arsenal fans. Was this a deliberate act of provocation? If so, needs looking into, beleive BT have teh video tapes.

    Perhaps Walter can confirm.

  11. Proudkev and Norman14,

    I was going to delve in to that but…. something terribly happened as I had the match taped and I know on our broadcast with topmatches they give some images of the warming up and I was hoping to see if I could find something. Alas because of me being stupid I erased the whole broadcast by accident. So I lost a possible evidence. And when I try to see the match again on demand they only start the match when the teams come up the field. So a big bummer.
    If anyone has the images from the warming up you can Always give me a shout or link me to them.

  12. So, I assume bringing my gun and downing Mykedean for a valid reason is OK?

  13. Ray from Norfolk, That would be the ‘humane’ thing to do.
    Followed by Atkinson & Taylor…… and Riley if he ever came down from his Ivory Tower!

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