By Sir Hardly Anyone
Well, it has been another amazingly over-the-top week for what we are now learning to call the Early Stage Concrete Hacks, the gentlemen of the press whose arrested intellectual development allows them to develop a whole range of extraordinary tales about who is coming to Arsenal this summer and who is leaving.
And yes, the figures are staggering, for we now have no less than 51 players tipped in the last three weeks alone to be coming to Arsenal this summer. I kid you not; fifty-one in three weeks tipstering!!!! (That is more exclamation marks than the now renamed Liverpool? ever got at the height of their exclamatoriness).
We can also see (in the table below) the number of departures is now at nine, which leads me to wonder how on earth we are going to fit all these fit and exciting young men into a squad of 25.
[Steady on with the innuendo there, Sir H. I know you toffs have a different moral code from the rest of us, but even so… – Tony]
Now before we go on I must remind you, dear reader, about what makes an Early Stage Concretian. Such a person is likely to distort language, not use logic, doesn’t consider his own thinking, thinks in one direction only (in this case transfers), can’t cope with the process, only the start (“Arsenal needs a player”) and end (“Arsenal buys a player), is egocentric, and only considers one thing at a time. To the Concretian every other person’s point of view is completely alien.
So, the introductions being made, here we have the complete list of Arsenal transfers as dreamed up by the Concrete Journalists of the Great British Press (and their chums in the bloggettas) so far, ahead of this summer’s “window”.
New entries this week are in bold red.
|Player||Position||From||Current status||Also interested|
|1||Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang||Forward||B. Dortmund|
|2||Carlos Bacca||Forward||Juventus||49 goal striker||Real Mad buy back clause|
|3||Michy Batshuayi||Striker||Marseille||£22m asking price||Chelsea|
|4||Riechedly Bazoer||Cen mid.||Ajax||Barcelona, Chelsea, Man U, Tottenham|
|5||Rodrigo Bentancur||Midfield||Boca Juniors||Real Mad, Juve|
|6||Karim Benzema||Striker||Real Mad||Involved in court case|
|7||William Carvalho||Def mid||Sporting Lisbon|
|8||Edinson Cavani||Striker||PSG||He’d like to come|
|9||Ben Chilwell||Left-back||Leicester||“Arsenal monitoring”|
|10||Troy Deeney||Striker||Watford||WFC captain|
|11||Mario Götze||Attack midfield||Bayern Munich||Flopped after Dortmund||Liverpool|
|12||Goncalo Guedas||Wing||Benfica||Next C Ronaldo||Chelsea|
|14||Alen Halilovic||Attack midfield||Barcelona||Last season loan to Sporting Gijon,|
|15||Rico Henry||Full back||Walsall||Next Ashley Cole|
|16||Gonzalo Higuain||Striker||Napoli||Man U|
|17||Zlatan Ibrahimovic||Striker||PSG||Self proclaimed God||Man U|
|18||Mauro Icardi||Striker||Inter||Man C Man U|
|20||N’Golo Kante||Midfield||Leicester||Won the most tackles|
|21||Naby Keita||Central mid||Red Bull Salzburg|
|22||Toni Kroos||No 10||Real Madrid||£45m|
|23||Grzegorz Krychowiak||Midfield destroyer||Sevilla|
|24||Kalidou Koulibaly||Napoli||Signed and Sealed (Metro)|
|25||Robert Lewandowski||Striker||Bayern||About to break the bank|
|26||Marquinhos||Defen||PSG||Man U Man C Chelsea and Bayern Munich|
|27||Riyad Mahrez||Wing||Leicester||AFC considered him while at Le Havre|
|28||Kostas Mitroglou||Striker||Benfica||“Happy in Portugal”|
|30||Henrikh Mkhitaryan||Midfield||B Dortmund||Liverpool! Tottenham|
|31||Alvaro Morata||Striker||Juventus (loan) Real Mad||Said to be the next one to happen||AFC talking to Real Mad direct|
|32||Ruben Neves||Defend midfield||Porto|
|33||Kelechi Nwakali||Midfield||Reported as already having joined Arsenal||WHU, Bayern, Chelsea, Man U Liverpool!|
|35||Adrien Rabiot||Midfield||PSG||Asked for a move, not liked by fans||Chelsea, Man U|
|36||Rafinha||RB||Bayern Munich||Metro utterly certain|
|37||Jese Rodriguez||Forward||Real Mad||Surplus to requirements|
|38||Daniele Rugani||Centre back||Juventus||Can’t get a game.||Man U|
|39||Riccardo Saponara||Attack midfield||Empoli||Liverpool?|
|41||Dominic Solanke||Chelsea||Chelsea want to keep him|
|43||Daniel Sturrage||Striker||Liverpool?||“Will reportedly…”||“Tried last year”|
|44||Jon Toral||Attack midf.||Arsenal (loaned to Brum)|
|45||Yaya Toure||C Mid||Man City|
|46||Arda Turan||Attack midfield||Barcelona||Struggled at Barca|
|47||Victor Wanyama||Def. midf.||Southampton|
|48||Julian Weigl||Midf.||Borussia Dortmund||£20 million|
|49||Granit Xhaka||Defend/ midfield||Monchengladbach||“Deal done”||Chelsea. Sources|
|50||Andriy Yarmolenko||Winger||Dynamo Kiev||Tottenham Liverpool|
|1||Alexis||Forward||Asking for transfer|
|2||Arteta||End of career|
|3||Debuchy||Been on loan|
|5||Rosicky||End of contract|
|6||Santi Cazorla||Mid/For||Back to Villareal|
|7||Mesut Ozil||Midfield||Delayed talks|
|8||Szczesny||Goal||Roma||Happy in Rome|
|9||Walcott||Wing||State Aid Utd||£20m||On the verge|
|Thierry Henry||Under 18||Accepted post|
|Up from the youth|
|1||Jon Toral||Attack midf.||Arsenal||Loaned to Birmingham|
|2||Gedion Zelalem||Attack mid||Arsenal||Loaned to Rangers|
|3||Chris Willock||Attack midf.||Arsenal||Played in U21s.|
|4||Jeff Reine-Adélaïde||Wing||Arsenal||Kept at Arsenal and not loaned|
This is getting to be quite a list, and there is no sign of the names drying up. Indeed if previous transfer windows are anything to go by the list will expand and expand all the way through to August 31.
Of course we must spend a moment contemplating the sad lives of these concrete journalists, whose view, “if it looks different it is different” was so ably defined by AJH recently on Untold. Here’s what they have to say about our current squad.
|4||DF||Per Mertesacker||Too slow|
|6||DF||Laurent Koscielny||New captain but too old|
|10||MF||Jack Wilshere||To be injured with England|
|12||FW||Olivier Giroud||Being replaced|
|14||FW||Theo Walcott||Leaving to WHU|
|15||MF||Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain||Leaving to Southampton|
|16||MF||Aaron Ramsey||Prone to back heels|
|18||DF||Nacho Monreal||Had enough|
|24||DF||Héctor Bellerín||Off to Barcelona|
|25||DF||Carl Jenkinson||Won’t come back|
|27||FW||Serge Gnabry||Can’t regain form|
|28||FW||Joel Campbell||Off to get more games|
|34||MF||Francis Coquelin||Made a mistake v Spuds|
Thus and hitherto, op cit and viz [what exactly does that mean? Tony] there you have it.
Meanwhile, if you think Untold is worthwhile, and would like to help, please do follow us on Facebook (UntoldArsenalToday) and on Twitter @UntoldArsenal. I thank you.
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